Pinkvelvet

[Pinkvelvet]

I feel like I’ve been seen! I haven’t logged onto this forum for nearly 2 years, and I’ve had to come on tonight to speak about this very issue. This forum is a godsend honestly. Helped me through so much when I first left (number removed by Moderator) years ago now.

Found out (timeframe removed by Moderator) my ex is engaged and it’s brought up all sorts of feelings I thought were healed. Crying myself to sleep and bursting into tears at random points of the day. I haven’t thought about him for so long, and now I’m like… woah. Where has this come from.

Trauma bonds are so real. It’s almost unbelievable what the power of abuse can truly do and how long it can affect someone for.

I echo what the others above have said, it’s the thought of ‘what if’ and self-doubt. I’ve even been questioning my own reality and having to re-read messages of the abuse endured just to remind myself it did happen.

And similarly, I feel fear for the new woman. Helpless in protecting her out of fear for myself. And equally devastated that I went through hell, but could he now have changed? Is it a possibility?

I know he went to therapy, but honestly I doubt it. I don’t think he even recognised what he was doing, and blamed it on depression. I do think he suffered with a personality disorder, but I know that does not justify what I endured. And I know I was right to leave.

What I’ve taken away from it is this: I can’t change the past, but I can control my future. It hurts now, but I know it won’t hurt forever because I’ve been there and come out the other side once already. I will put my hurt into helping others in some way… some good has to come out of it. And lastly, I won’t dwell on what could have been, but now accepting I can have something true and real and loving with myself and with someone who can give the healthy love I deserve.

Love yourselves ladies. Think about the situation as if it was your friend, or relative going through this situation with their partner. What advice would you give them? What kindness would you show them? Do this for you ❤️

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StrongLife – the fact you’re applying and sticking to it is a success in itself! I too have just applied for a new job… no idea if I’ve even got an interview yet.

One thing though, I was made redundant in my last job (a long while ago now!) and I remember in the process of applying for new ones, I was rejected from 2 that I really hoped I’d get. I cried about it (especially because I really needed a job at the time, and my self esteem was already lacking).

I then went to my third and final interview, which I’d applied for on a whim because it was the highest paid out of the lot and a sort of dream job that I just had to go for.

I got it. And I’m still there now, though I’m wanting to now push myself into the next stage of my career.

Basically, I’d been sad about not getting the others and was focusing on my losses, and then ended up with the biggest win of all.

Keep going, something magical is about to happen! All the best for 2023 x

[Pinkvelvet]

Happy New Year all. Wishing you all a healthy and happy(ier)2023 x

[Pinkvelvet]

Hi gettingtired,

It’s normal to feel this way after being subjected to abuse, I guess it’s almost like a fight or flight response because our bodies really don’t want what’s happened in the past to repeat itself, and on top of that after being told and ‘shown’ that we’re unworthy repeatedly, that’s always going to have an affect. I’ve been in 3 abusive relationships to date (hadn’t quite realised that till the last one opened my eyes to what I was enduring) and I can relate with the cripplingly low self esteem issues.

The thing is though is that, the outcome of this relationship is not dictated by any other previous events that have happened in your life. It’s like reading a new book but being worried about the disappointment of the ending before you’ve even started, because in the last one you read, the main character died at the end. But I also completely get it because despite knowing this, it’s almost like it’s programmed into us and it can’t be helped. The problem is, is that your new partner doesn’t deserve to be punished either – so I think like what you’re already doing with open communication is key.

My suggestion would be to try counselling – I did this earlier this year and it helped so much. I’d suggest speaking to your doctor and asking for them to either refer you, or send you links to organisations in the area that you can sign up to (that’s what I did). The waiting list was long but it was worth it. And don’t opt for online CBT (unless you feel it would benefit) – try and push for face to face. I’ve done both and the latter was much better.

The other thing that’s helped me is anti depressants. It’s had a major impact on my feelings both about myself and how I feel generally in day to day life. It may not be for you, but it’s worth talking through options with a mental health professional /your doctor if you think it could benefit.

I’ve also tried switching my mindset when it comes to dating. So I haven’t been ready to date for long while and have only recently started opening myself up to it, and what I tell myself is this: I’m not trying to impress them, they’re trying to impress me. What do they have to offer me?
I feel like this has actually really helped in a weird way because, it suddenly puts me at the top of my own pedestal, instead of me questioning what I have to offer them. Switch the dynamics.

I hope this helps lovely. I know it doesn’t mean much if you don’t believe it yourself, but you’re worthy of love, compassion and a peaceful and happy life. Sending love x

[Pinkvelvet]

Hello lovely. You don’t need me to tell you how horrific this is. It’s truly terrifying. I think you’re addicted to this man, hoping perhaps he will change? But you deserve so much more than this. I know it’s super hard to take off the glasses but this isn’t what life is supposed to be about.

I really struggled coming to terms with not being with my ex and I still feel, at times, empty without him. Despite everything. But you’ve got to want more for yourself and from life. It’s such a cruel thing to happen and a twisted way of our brains developing this addiction to an unhealthy cycle. It doesn’t make sense, does it?

It’s been a while since I’ve been out, I also started dating my ex at the same time as you, and whilst it’s been hard, I think about the times I’ve been put in dangerous situations, or driven to the point of sobbing into the carpet on a daily basis, literally wasting away lying in bed, depressed. I experienced emotional/psychological and verbal abuse, nothing physical, but the threats of being driven into walls / being told I’d be to blame if he killed himself and hanging up not knowing where he was or if he was ok, and smashing things was enough to cause distress. I cannot imagine enduring this alongside physical abuse as well.

You need time for you, to heal. To break the addiction. It’s bloody hard, but it’s doable. It can be done. It does get easier, but in an almost exponential way. Sometimes it feels like it’s getting worse, only for it then to get better later. And so on.

My advice to you is to seek some therapy. Not CBT, actual face to face counselling. This helped me enormously. Speak to your GP and ask for recommendations, put yourself on waiting lists in the meantime. Or ask at work if they have any schemes in place.

I’d also recommend writing things down, here or elsewhere, just to get it out your system. The first few months for me were the hardest so it really helps having an output.

Grieve as much as you need to, and look for small wins in every day. Some days will feel impossible, other days you will have a bit more energy. Utilise that time when you feel able to, as I found doing things, even housework, really helped my mentality.

Watch films and tv programmes that will uplift you and give you a distraction, even if you don’t feel like doing. I’ve found I’m actually more positive the next day if I’ve watched something good on Netflix the night/day before.

Read articles online, recognise what you’re going through and why it’s unacceptable. Know that you are not alone.

Finally please do seek advice from your GP, from womensaid and whatever other support networks you can access. Utilise all the resources available, if you can. And just know this isn’t an overnight fix, but you deserve so so much more.

Please don’t go back (I know easier said than done) and keep yourself safe 💕 x

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Thank you both 💕 will take what you’ve said on board and just try and relax about it! I do usually get a bit nervous anyway before going on a date but it’s just the fear of the unknown I think! Just thought I’d push myself a bit and ease my worries (hopefully) about dating again.
And I’ll try not to run away from him 😂 cannot guarantee it but I’ll try haha! X

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Telling me he’s just not been very well but has been working to improve things in himself. We’re just strangers now, so we may as well go on a date, ‘as friends’, and just see. That’s what he’s most sad about, losing the friendship. Losing his best friend. Sending cute pics of his dog that I also really miss.

And then when the answer is no, sending me a ton of verbal abuse after being nice.

[Pinkvelvet]

Hey Kellym,

This is not your fault. In any way, shape or form. It’s normal to doubt yourself, because you’re a trusting person and probably take to heart what people say. You don’t want to believe your partner could really be this cruel because you love him, and you’re looking for anything to excuse his behaviour – even if this means believing you’re to blame, for his inexcusable behaviour.

You’re not to blame. I’m so sorry this is happening and has been happening for a long while, it’s not your job to be his punching bag. You were not born to be a slave to his cruelty. You deserve love and respect and above all to feel safe and happy.

Sending you lots of strength. I know it can be hard, especially because psychologically people who act this way are master manipulators, and know they can say what they need to say to twist perspective and confuse the other person to the point of insanity. It’s totally normal that you feel unsure in this situation because that’s how you’ve been scripted to feel.

I really pray you can see through the fog and recognise you are being subjected to abuse, NOT that you are encouraging, accepting or deserving of that abuse.

I hope you are able to safely leave your relationship for a better future for yourself and your children. It’s so tough, but you’re so brave and strong to be going through this. ❤️

[Pinkvelvet]

Thanks for this. Needed to read it today. Really missing the initial period of time that I thought I’d finally found my ‘soulmate’ kind of love. I think it’s mostly mourning the loss of that love, or the love you thought it was, than of the person. It’s the cruelest twist of fate.
Hope you are doing okay. I’ve been out for a while now, and mostly I’m fine but the downs still pop up time to time.
Xx

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Hi Canon,

If it were me, the next time he stands you up or cancels last minute, I’d call him out on it and just be very transparent about what’s going on and what you need/ how you feel about it. I’d say something along the lines of ‘listen, I’m having a great time getting to know you on the occasions we’ve met up, but I’ve noticed a few times now when we’ve had plans you’ve cancelled last minute or not turned up. Whilst it’s fine if you’ve changed your mind or have to work overtime occasionally, it’s been leaving me a bit in limbo when I could’ve made alternative plans with friends had I have had advanced notice. I’d still like us to go out if that’s also what you’d like, but equally I need a bit more communication so I know where I’m at and where I stand. I hope that makes sense x’

I’d nip it in the bud now anyway, and you’ll also come across confident and knowing what you want and what you won’t put up with, which for most people is a positive thing (and is most definitely a win / win for you because this guy will then either step it up and stop being flakey, or he won’t – and then you’ll know what to do, without wasting any more time). Hope this helps 🙂 x

[Pinkvelvet]

He sounds like he has such anger issues, pushing things over and slashing the bed!? Then blaming you? You’re right for sticking to your guns and leaving. That’s no way to live. Also he grabbed you and pushed you to the floor… all his actions are ones of aggression and it must be so exhausting for you, let alone frightening sometimes I imagine 🙁

Let’s be clear though, this absolutely, categorically, 100% is abuse and his behaviour you’ve described is abusive. And your daughter shouldn’t have friends over? This man cannot see his own issues and just wants everyone else to take the blame. Your child should be allowed to be a child and have sleepovers with friends. His behaviour is extreme and unreasonable.

I hope you’re okay and keep safe. Don’t doubt yourself or your gut for a second ❤️ Get yourself out, but do it safely x

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Thank you all for your replies and support 💛 night time is the worst for thinking and thoughts. I know I’ll get there, it’ll just take time. Time and posting on here to get the thoughts out! Hope you’re all doing well X

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My love, you need a break. I can hear the pain in your writing. I’m so sorry this is happening, but don’t give up.

I’m really surprised that women’s aid never got back to you. Have you tried their chat feature to speak to someone in real-time? I did this when I first discovered womens aid and I was given links to my local DV organisations and charities. That could be a good place to start, as those organisations could be the stepping stones you need to help you form a plan and give you additional support as you leave.

Whilst I can’t offer advice personally on making a plan to up sticks and leave (I haven’t been through this aspect of it as I didn’t live with my partner), I want to reassure you that there is support out there and help and I’m sure some of the women on this forum will be able to contribute to suggestions on that.

Mentally, I understand how difficult this is. I was in emotional and mental torment by the end of my relationship and I couldn’t take anymore. I think we know when our bodies and minds have had enough don’t we? I was a mess but somehow through all that managed to break up with my ex. It was very difficult as we also worked together so that added a layer of complexity, but you just have to believe in yourself that you can do this. Your number one priority is keeping yourself and your child safe, so once you’ve made the decision to leave, plan to do it at a time that poses the least risk and in a way that gives you maximum safety.

You mention in your post about housing. Have you received reasoning as to why you’ve not been successful in receiving private housing? Again probably not something I am knowledgable enough on to advise on, but please don’t give up. Do you think maybe you’d be able to afford to rent somewhere, even if for the short term whilst you sort things out?

I’m sorry I’ve not been very helpful, but I hope it brings some comfort to know you’re not alone in what you’re going through and there is another side to this and you can do it. There are happier times ahead. Just hold on and keep going 💛 and maybe give womens aid another try on their online chat, and I hope some more advice comes through for you on here too. Sending encouragement and strength to you.

[Pinkvelvet]

I came here to make a post about this and it’s encouraging to hear that for the most part you feel like you’ve been able to move on and progress, and actually have something to compare that progress to, which is great.

I think it’s normal to have triggers and things that may sometimes affect you. You’ve been through trauma and pain. I’m not sure it’s so much about healing, but about dealing with and managing emotions in response to memories and feelings that were once a threat. It’s a biological response to fear and something that once was a threat to our survival and happiness.

Don’t be hard on yourself for being impacted by a trigger or something that has re-sparked a painful memory. You are human. Let yourself cry because thats how your brain is enabling you to cope and get through this moment. Remember how far you’ve come and this is just a blip in your progress. I’m not sure whether we ever fully heal as such, I guess that depends on how deep the trauma was. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe having these responses to a bad memory is our brains way of keeping us safe. It feels shit for sure, but normal.

I think we’d be really lucky to get through life without any pain. No matter where the source comes from and how it originated. Doesn’t make it any less shit, but your strength is in how you choose to respond to it.

Give yourself time to grieve and feel sad, and then remember how far you’ve come and celebrate yourself for getting there in the first place. I hope this helps 🙂

Sending love x

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Hi I’ve come here because I’m struggling with this too. I feel like I never got to say my peace. I never got to tell him how hurt I was and to ask why. I carry the burden of it around with me, and then I see things that remind me of him. I’m not good at confrontation, and I’m not good at unresolved conflict so this situation is crippling me mentally. I started counselling recently with a domestic abuse charity, and it’s been helping so far.

I don’t think I’ll ever get any answers as to why. Maybe they don’t truly know? Maybe the pain of admitting what they’ve done, because they know it’s wrong, is too great that they manipulate even themselves to prolong victim status, to protect themselves from further pain. No one likes to be the bad guy. They want sympathy. In my case, my ex was so focussed on his own shortcomings and poor mental health that I don’t think he even realised the bigger picture. He shifts blame from his own conscious actions to ‘I couldn’t control it’ ‘it wasn’t me, it was the depression’. It’s always how could I leave him when I supposedly loved him? How could I do this to him? Never ‘why did I cause her pain, which destroyed the relationship’. They never want to face what’s truly going on inside, for whatever reason.

We’ll all get there eventually. It’s so hard. I think about it every morning, every evening when I’m going to sleep. I know I need to figure out what steps I need to take to let go, and detach myself. I need to make peace with what’s happened, forgive and accept it as it is, instead of constantly searching for a solution or reconciliation. The good memories are painful. The bad ones are painful. Heartbreak is an awful thing. Don’t know about any of you, but almost feels like I’m grieving the death of someone close to me.

Wishing you all well and hoping we all find our peace! X

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Twisted Sister, I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through right now. Are you able to contact the police and express your distress and concern? Can you flee to a family member, friend or colleague? Can you confide in someone you know?

Could you potentially rent an Airbnb for a few days whilst you get your thoughts together on next steps?

Sorry if none of these suggestions are helpful. I haven’t been in this particular situation myself but I hope you can find the right support.

You’re incredibly brave for doing this and to fight for your right to a happy life. It shouldn’t be a fight though, but you are strong and I hope you find the strength to keep going. There will be light at the end of the tunnel even if you can’t see it just yet x

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Hi MarchRose. I’m in a similar position myself. I’ve been wanting to date for a little while, but I’m also not in a position I don’t think in my head yet where I feel totally comfortable with the idea. I think like you were, I’m still in that phase of not wanting a relationship (but also kind of wanting one at the same time). I think I’m just not over my ex and the trauma of it all.

It’s encouraging to hear that you are feeling more confident and that you’d like to give dating a go. Sometimes I think maybe taking the first step and putting yourself out there, and being brave about it is signalling that you’re ready for the next bit of your life to happen, which is great.

I have used dating apps in the past and have had a mixture of experiences, but most of all I think it’s nice sometimes just to meet people, have a good time, eat some nice food or do a fun activity and enjoy the experience. It doesn’t always have to lead somewhere or to something serious. I say give it a go!

In terms of dating apps, there’s Bumble, Hinge, Tinder (Tinder wouldn’t be my personal first choice but it’s an option) and then some of the longer running dating sites like match and another called elite singles. I’ve personally only ever used Bumble, Hinge and Tinder so can’t comment on the latter.

Hope all goes well for you. Glad to hear you’ve come out the other side smiling and more confident. It really is very encouraging 🙂 x

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Congrats wildandfree 🥂 enjoy that bubbly. It’s deserved!

I’ve been struggling a lot at the moment with accepting everything. I’m out, but still working through the trauma. So glad to read this and know it gets easier. Lots of love to you xx

[Pinkvelvet]

You can do this @searchingforhope, you’ve got this. Think to the future and the lifetime of happy memories that are yet to be made. Happiness is just around the corner, keep positive and look forward. Stay safe and keep going lovely xx

[Pinkvelvet]

Hi lovely, I really empathise with you on this. I’m having a few bad days too thinking about my ex and it’s such a cruel thing to think you’ve met your one and then it turns out not to be. Especially because, if like me, you thought at the beginning everything was so perfect and you felt happy and settled and that finally it was your turn. I’m of the age where all my friends are getting married, engaged or having children and I think that is a subconscious weight on my mind as well.

Tonight I got very down because I was tidying up and found a matching set of aprons I’d bought us, and I just clutched his apron and cried. Something so small, but one of the more positive memories, triggered me. And that’s what this is about, it’s the loss of the love we THOUGHT we had initially and those times that were actually good. It’s like mourning someone’s death that we can’t get back.

Please know you’re not alone on this. I’m on dating apps too but literally swiping left on everyone… it’s like I want that excited feeling back and to have someone to experience things with, but in my heart of hearts I know I’m not ready yet. I felt so close with my ex, he was my best friend and treated me the best I’ve ever been treated in my life, interlaced with being treated the worst I’ve ever been treated. And that’s the part we have to remember – the tears, the constant worry and anxiety, the praying and wishing things to change but they never did. We’ve done so well to get out of a negative, soul crushing situation, it would be unjust to send ourselves back to a lifetime of imprisonment.

Sometimes it just takes a little patience, a little realism and clarity with ourselves, and to not pressure our bodies into doing things they’re not ready for yet 💕 and we just have to remember to look forward and not back. We were fine before we met them, and we’ll be fine after too.

I’m going to spend this next year focusing on myself, improving my mental headspace and health and my career, and wait till I know I’m truly ready to try again. You just never know what’s around the corner.

My colleague said something the other day that made me really think and apply it to my life situation. Instead of looking at the bigger picture, or end goal, or thinking my life’s a mess I need to do xyz and get everything in order… just start. It can be really overwhelming if we think of everything all at once. Instead we just have to take one step, and then think about the next step. For me this week, that’s looked like: signing up to counselling, running myself a bubble bath, food shopping after work, and buying/assembling some new furniture. It doesn’t matter that I’ve had moments I can’t get out of bed. I’ve just started and I know eventually I’ll get wherever I’m headed.

Hope this brings you some comfort and to know you’re not alone x

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I’m so glad you’ve posted about this issue. My ex used to complain about our lack of intimacy and make me feel guilty saying I just wasn’t attracted to him and I didn’t like him. When really, the issue was because the way he spoke to me and disrespected me was so disgusting, it physically turned me off, as you’d expect. That, coupled with the depression I developed due to the ongoing emotional abuse.

It’s such a painful process, that creates an atmosphere of distrust, negativity and low self esteem – the perfect recipe for a disaster when it comes to sex. In addition, intimacy in a relationship is built on trust, openness and love, all of which are total opposite connotations of abuse!

Yet of course, as always with abuse… it’s never the fault of the abuser. They are responsible for nothing.

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Hello Pea2020, I have to agree with the other women here, this triggered me too and I felt compelled to comment. The IG Stories thing is insane, and the fact he made you guess what you’d done wrong… when you’d done absolutely nothing wrong, like a game to make you all worried and stressed. My ex did this to me too and I’d be wracking my brain like omg what did I do… the amount of times he’d cause an issue just so he could be annoyed at me over something, and this sounds similar with the toilet story too. Trying to actively find something to get cross about. It’s hugely disrespectful to you as well to suggest you should just wait, especially since you have a condition that means you, well, can’t wait! Your partner should be understanding and patient, not cruel and make you feel bad for something you cannot control.

I was talking to a male friend the other night about my ex and our past relationship and the trauma it’s caused (he too was absolutely lovely in his moments and exactly the kind of partner I wanted, which made leaving all the more cruel and heartbreaking), and he told me that the next time I enter a relationship, any sign of a red flag at any point 🚩 I should do one thing and one thing only: run. I know it’s easier said than done, and I’m so sorry as it’s horrible and you don’t deserve it xx

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Hi wanttoleave, firstly the fact you have a plan in place to leave is great and you’ve started making the necessary preparations and really thinking about how to go about it with work etc.

I know how stressful this can be but please know that this is heightened because of the anticipation of leaving. It won’t feel like this forever, and having a completely fresh start will allow you to draw a line and move forward. It’s great that you’re self employed and have a skill like (detail removed by Moderator) that you can move to absolutely anywhere. So that’s a really big positive.

I just wanted to say although it’s scary now, you’re doing this for the benefit of your future and future happiness. I hope you find the strength to power through and work through your worries as well. I empathise with the anxiety and depression. I have it bad at the moment and it’s really tough, but you’re doing great and sounds like you’re really thinking about things ❤️ Sending positivity and encouragement your way and hope you feel a lot better about things soon x

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Hi Lola, it makes me so sad that it can come to this after enduring so much pain, and continuing to feel a different kind of sadness afterwards. I really feel you about dreading nighttime. I find it difficult to sleep and even more so recently, for some reason. The depression and anxiety is just the worst at night. Hence why I’m now on here posting so late.

Please know you’re not alone. We are here, always. It’s very easy as well to feel alone especially if you live by yourself and have lots of time to think and think some more. I am guilty of overthinking everything too which is probably why nighttime is the worst.

Don’t put pressure on yourself to move on quickly and gain a busy social life. Take your time and cherish being alone, with no one to answer to but yourself. Watch whatever you want on Netflix. Make yourself a cuppa and light some candles and read a book or listen to music. Give yourself the peace that you’ve been craving for so long and haven’t been allowed to have.

When you’re ready, there’s lots of ways to make new friends. My mum went to a Pilates class and they have social nights every so often, and she now goes for a meal with some of the other women from the group too – and the best part is, turning up on your own is the norm for exercise classes so that could be a winner if you’re a bit nervous. I’m personally thinking of maybe learning a new language and going to a class. You could also maybe do an evening course in something you’ve always wanted to learn… or join a walking group or craft club. Or if you feel like you’re able to adopt a pet and can offer one a home, that’s something else I’m considering! And that also opens up a heap of opportunities for meeting other people, especially if you get a dog.

I know it’s easy to sit and suggest things though and it’s totally fine if you’d rather just not do any of that too. But be kind to yourself and know that it’s totally normal to feel alone and you’re allowed to feel sad about it. Just take care of yourself and know even though you may feel alone, you can always come here and someone will be there for you to talk to ❤️

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Hi searchingforhope, so sorry to hear what you’re going through. It’s a total stress and causes such mental exhaustion we often end up feeling like we don’t know which way is up. This is very reminiscent to me of a particular situation I found myself in with my now ex. He suffered with mental health problems, but was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. I neglected my mental health to help him through his, not really realising what was happening to me and that I was becoming depressed. This one night I’d really had enough, and told him I needed to sleep. I couldn’t cope anymore, I was totally drained of all energy. He didn’t want me to go to bed, so threatened to hurt himself to try and keep me awake. He’d also say things similar to your partner, like he just needs me to cheer him up or he just needs me to check he’s okay in a morning, and would say it’s all me and why can’t I just support him etc, I’m selfish and I’ve ruined his life. He’d also throw in the cards about how he can’t lose me and that we can’t lose us. Not to throw it all away, when I was trying to have a break or end things.

Allow yourself a moment to focus on your emotions. Cry and feel how you need to feel. I found being in the shower gave me that 15 minutes of alone time to process and grieve and accept, and move on to the next step. It’s a very complex and challenging time, and I’m so sorry you’re going through a family illness on top of all this. I too lost a close relative whilst the abuse was going on, and he made sure the attention was still on him and didn’t support me very much through what was an already difficult time. So I really feel your pain with dealing with this too.

It sounds like you’re really making some positive steps to end this trauma though, even having had the conversations to end it means you’ll already consciously and subconsciously be processing it ready for when you know it’s the right time and the final time. It is very hard but you’ll know when the last straw is the last straw. I wasn’t even planning on ending my relationship when I ended it, like I knew it was going to happen because I just couldn’t cope thinking about a future with him abusing me, no matter how much I loved him or felt guilty about it. It’s still raw now but it was the best decision I made for myself. It didn’t really feel like much of a choice by the end, though.. more a necessity and force of hand to protect myself.

I hope you find the strength you need to get through your challenges and know that there are brighter days ahead for you. It will be okay x

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Stay strong Twisted Sister, you’ve given such great advice on other peoples posts. You’ve totally got this. It’s scary as hell going through this but you can do it!

If this person can potentially help you out of this situation, in totally black and white terms, that’s got to be worth considering right? In terms of repercussions… can you explain how delicately this needs to be handled, and also, that they absolutely cannot challenge the abuser or it could put you in harms way? You might be surprised how well people on the outside cope with the information. I’ve shared it with people and they’ve kept absolute integrity the whole time. People who know us both, in a professional setting (we met that way).

Praying you’re able to navigate this minefield and get the break you deserve x

[Pinkvelvet]

They do, and so can we. It takes time and pain unfortunately, but there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel, just might take time getting there. Sending love x

[Pinkvelvet]

No problem lovely I hope one day you find the peace you need, and until then I hope things get better. I’m glad this brought some comfort xx

[Pinkvelvet]

That period of fog inbetween is tough. I was taking myself to bed during the days I was at home, crying for a bit and then carrying on. There comes a point you need to ask yourself what do you need – is it someone to talk to? Is it a release from overwhelming sadness in your head? No doubt the situation traumatised me and left me depressed and the best thing I’ve done since then is speak to my doctor and ask for help. Give yourself some time to heal, be kind to yourself, but if you’re like me and it’s been a while and you’re still feeling low – make that call. I hope this helps x

[Pinkvelvet]

Hi Ariadne, it’s a very difficult thing because it’s very easy to put the blame on the mental health. It took me ages to realise it was abuse because the whole time I was thinking about his suffering, and how awful it was that he was feeling and acting out because of his depression. (detail removed by moderator). He’d always apologise after and I’d excuse it and would be relieved the abuse was over… for now. It was only after a while I realised it was happening in cycles, and after speaking to some friends it made me think twice about what was really going on.

I don’t think there’s a lot of resource out there about the fundamentals of why people abuse other people. We know it’s about control, but it’s hard to find scientific knowledge online, I’ve found anyway, about why it exists in the first place. I think this is why it’s easy to pin the blame on poor mental health.

I don’t suppose it matters too much to the victim about the whys, but I think for me it was too difficult to just accept that people do bad things because they are bad people. It feels too black and white. And ultimately, that made me stay longer than I should have – because I felt sorry for him that there was an undiscovered root cause for his behaviour, and I just really wanted to help him find a way out of that darkness, so we could both exist together in a happy fulfilling relationship – especially because I knew he was, at times, capable of that better than anyone else I’ve known or been with.

Sadly, sometimes you have to accept that you cannot ‘save’ someone who doesn’t want to be saved, and someone who cannot step out of their own shoes and see their behaviour for what it is. I think leaving wasn’t only right for me, but for him as well. When he was in his ‘right mind’ as ill put it, he actually encouraged me to leave and said he was making me miserable and that he wants me to be happy. Part of me thinks this was his moments of clarity of the bigger picture, other parts thinks it was a guilt trip to see if I’d stay.

And that’s another reason I won’t go back. I’d never know, for certain, what’s a manipulation tactic and what’s genuine. The trust is gone.

I’m glad you’re out of your situation too, I’m not quite sure how I got out really, it’s a bit of a blur. I’d just reached my total limit and accepted whatever would happen next.

Wishing you all who’ve experienced this hell lots of strength and peace for the rest of your lives x

[Author]

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