Scapegoat

[Scapegoat]

Thanks for the advice ladies.
Strongenough-Sorry but I have been told the police cannot accompany me back to the property as they don’t have the manpower to do this anymore-this was something I was told when I first left by the local WA. They also said that apparently I am not in danger as I am not in the property-which I cannot get my head around!But if he attacks me or damages anything then I can contact them. It has been so unbelievably hard and I’m not surprised I’ve been there for so long and others are too afraid to leave. The law is not on our side. I’m just worried if I go in I could be arrested or accused of taking something that was never there in the first place. I guess I’ll just have to endure the crap by going back when he’s there.
Tried taking all my names off the bills the other day to be told by the broadband /TV provider that I have got to return the equipment within (detail removed by moderator) as will be charged (detail removed by moderator)!!! I explained the situation again and again but no use I have to hope that I can get it or pay the fee!!All in my name of course so would affect my credit rating if I don’t return or pay.

[Scapegoat]

Thank you all. I’m still out. Have seen him as had to go back with my son as needed to collect some important meds. He’s hoovering me now thinks I’ll go back if I have time to think. Made it quite clear I don’t want to. Not the reaction I expected so starting to think it really is me. Staying in between with friend and fam member. Head all over shop. Know I have to start sorting the serious stuff out soon.
Counselling has helped me massively.
Am expecting it to kick off at weekend as his bday soon. Making the most if the peace.

[Scapegoat]

Thanks wantstohelp . I haven’t even got enough clothes to wear – am considering going back later with my grown up son to get some but not sure it’s a good idea.
The mortgage is joint and comes out of my account so will have to continue paying for now – as do all the bills. So my credit rating shouldn’t be affected and I do have savings but won’t I have to surrender half of those to him?
I really can’t take time off work (detail removed by moderator) and already got lots of staff off due to Covid so really not an option. Will probably give me something to focus on. Work aware of situation and the things he’s threatened to do and done.
I even feel guilty for having what I’m entitled to – half the house – as if I tried to that from him (& wouldn’t want to) he’d be furious. I did consider buying him out ( if I could get the money/mortgage together but am no spring chicken so doubt the mortgage lenders would even consider me.However the mortgage is almost paid so the equity in the house would go in my favour I suppose.
As I’m not really in danger now, am I able to get advice from WA? Sorry for all the questions. I don’t want to involve the police as never found them to be of any use in the past. Just really need to get somewhere rented and get my belongings.
Heard nothing from him today which is making me more anxious & am going mad sitting doing nothing. Can’t eat can’t sleep just wish I could shut my eyes and never have to open them again 😞
Thank you for all of your advice xx

[Scapegoat]

I’m (detail removed by moderator) ( yes laughable I know!) Honestly, speak to a teacher that you trust. They will know if somethings up but they are a great source of support and won’t judge. Any incidents where police are called , reports will go straight through to school. They won’t do anything you don’t want them to unless they feel the child is at immediate risk. You will feel much better for doing this and it’s better for you to have school on side. They will understand your dilemma and know things aren’t so clear cut. Domestic abuse has been made a priority in safeguarding this year.

[Scapegoat]

Thanks Eyesopening, what you have written completely makes sense and certainly resonate with my life/relationship. Can’t leave but can’t stay. Am in limbo

[Scapegoat]

Hi Daff, I was prescribed anti depressants after suffering from anxiety, depression amd panic attacks due to abuse. At first they made me feel awful ( I have tried others that weren’t good)I felt nauseous, dizzy amd v detached but then I changed the time I took them ( take them as soon as I get up now rather than before bed) and they have helped me to see things much more clearly, they have calmed me down and also helped me to button my mouth! They can leave you feeling quite numb and empty but opposed to the constant panic that suited me.
Could you try them at beginning of weekend maybe? They do take a while to work and you can’t just stop taking them.
It took me about 3/4 attempts to find ones that suited me – (detail removed by moderator).

Hope that helps xx

[Scapegoat]

Hi Eyesopening, your post caught my eye. My husband is like this, even with people he doesn’t like or know well, suddenly he is affected by their death. In my opinion he uses it as an excuse for everyone to feel sorry for him and also uses it as an excuse to behave how he wants and if you call him out on it OMG! You are then the worst person in world as he is grieving and plays the victim which is his favourite role.
Take care and stay strong xx

[Scapegoat]

Definitely report it! (detail removed by Moderator) a good school will support you all the way. They won’t judge you and like Eggshells says if police were called, any report of DA will go straight through to the school so it’s much better to come from you first.
Is there a teacher you know better than others or a secretary. Most schools will have a support team in place for this.

[Scapegoat]

Could you get the number of your local women’s aid and either phone or sometimes they have online chat. They will advise you what to do first.
Do not tell your oh.I tried this earlier in year but received begging, pleading, lovebombing which I wasn’t expecting. I’m still here now and things are even worse.
Get yourself a good solicitor but definitely contact wA they may be able to put you in touch with one
Take care and stay safe 💕

[Scapegoat]

That’s shocking. Can you complain? It’s exactly what puts me off involving the police they just seem to make things worse and make me feel like I’m at fault.
Don’t give up,you have come this far. I hope you get the help you deserve 💕

[Scapegoat]

Thanks KIP, I know you are right. A counsellor told me a coup,e for years ago I was living in fear but I disagreed as I was managing to carry on with everything but was a complete nervous wreck and wanted strategies for how not to react to him. He says his threats are idle and wouldn’t stand for anything with the police as they are not carried out. However he has hurt me on many occasion but I guess I normalise it as I see as just a slap, kick, grab round throat, push etc not really beating me up. So feel it is minimal physical and more mental.
My son is grown up, still lives at home. Unfortunately he has been affected mentally which I feel responsible for as any decent mother would have got him out of there. He too can see straight his lies and b******* but my oh says I’ve manipulated him to turn against his dad.
I hope I will get there as I have wasted almost (detail removed by Moderator) decades of my life believing he’ll change. I think it’s safe to say now that he won’t.

[Scapegoat]

Thank you again for your messages, it helps me feel like I’m not a complete loser.
Well he still isn’t speaking to me (detail removed by Moderator), normally I would attempt to make amends but I really can see past his behaviour now. (detail removed by Moderator)- because neither my son or I had made effort to speak with him, he tried causing a row saying one of us had stolen some money from him. When we both said we hadn’t, he then changed it to I must have given someone else a key. Not likely as never have anyone round and don’t have any male friends as he was suggesting! He then got even more aggressive and said it was justified as I’d spoken over him and was a control freak. Walked away with him ranting and actually went ahead with a gym class when normally I wouldn’t dare go and would cancel. So I’m feeling stronger.
When I tried to leave earlier in year, he said to me that although he makes all of these horrible threats he doesn’t actually carry them through ( other than terrorising me at home) so why do I believe them? I’ve been thinking a lot about this and feel a bit stupid, like I’ve been over reacting but the manner in which he threatens all of these things is very aggressive, intimidating and with him jabbing at me or towering over me.
I’m starting to unpick things a bit more such as if he does something wrong he will always find a way to blame me for something else instead to take the focus off him; if I don’t react he will continue going on and on like pointing a stick at a dog until it reacts; if I don’t react he then says other people are talking me saying I’m having affairs or am a psycho; he is a downright barefaced liar but gets really angry if I even suggest this.
I’m feeling ,much calmer now whereas I was very angry before and wanted him to pay for treating me like crap. Now I don’t even feel like reacting as I really don’t care anymore. The only thing is I can’t help but feel sorry for him, he knows how to pull on my heart strings and I know he can easily manipulate me to believe anything which makes me just feel stupid.
I’ve had a couple of calls for counselling this week and have an assessment (detail removed by Moderator) so hopefully I can sort my head out. I know I need to emotionally detach myself from him and learn to love myself and that it’s not selfish to do so. If I’m going to leave I only have a few weeks in which to do it but not sure if I’m better staying with someone ( but then he’ll know where I am) or renting somewhere with my son but then worried about him turning up here too and having no one to help me. I guess I need to get in touch with the (detail removed by Moderator) I have the number of but again am worried if I get in touch things might get taken out of my hands as I really don’t trust the police. I guess I just need to get used to the fact that I will lose everything ( which I find really unfair – given all the shit he’s put me through but know if I try and get him chucked out my life won’t be worth living and he may carry out his threats.
Thank you for letting me rant, I know this post is probably all over the place and nonsensical.

[Scapegoat]

Thank you both I just can’t do what I need to do and it’s pathetic as I’m a grown adult.
I do try and keep an online diary and voice recordings and after looking back last night at it hit home how many times he actually physically hurts, although that’s not the main problem. He is v manipulative and calculated and is a person who helps all our elderly neighbours. He is not like this behind closed doors, though I fail to see how they can’t hear him. He’s intimidating, aggressive, belittling, a hypocrite, denies responsibility for anything saying it’s justified, possessive to the point it’s obsessive, hates my job, family, friends, lies, accuses me of all sorts and threatens constantly to lose my job, hurt someone or finish me ( whatever that is supposed to mean)
On the flip side, he’s loving, generous, complimentary but I guess it’s only when wants something or has ulterior motives.
I’m worried about phoning my local women’s aid again in case they think I’m a loser for bottling out last time and running back like a little puppy just wanting to be loved.

[Scapegoat]

Hey, I felt like this for first three weeks or so on antidepressants but after a month I tried taking them at a different time of day and they worked much better. However now after being on them for 3 months I feel like they’re not really doing their job and like you I’m taking them for anxiety caused by oh as was having major panic attacks. Initially they stopped the panic in that I really didn’t give a toss what happened any more as knew I couldn’t control it so accepted it was what it was. Been told can’t just come off them have to stay on the, for 6-9 months then gradually stop taking them.
Speak to your Dr again, May be that it takes time to settle or that particular type doesn’t suit you.
Take care xx

[Scapegoat]

Having suffered both, I think emotional is worse.It remains unnoticed by others and is enough to drive you crazy. Hate it to the point where I think I wish you’d just hit me as generally after being assaulted the abuse calms down a bit.

[Scapegoat]

Hi Overcom, I’m sorry you feel let down. I was like you …got already to leave then stupidly let my emotions get the better of me, took it upon myself to tell him I was leaving as couldn’t just go ( didn’t think it was fair on him) what a complete idiot. I was sucked in hook, line and sinker to how sorry he was, how he would change, blah blah. Then was lovely, really lovely for (detail removed by moderator) weeks and now I’m all the effing so and so’s under then sun.
I’m sorry things kicked off for you but I’m glad you seem to have gone ahead with things and are currently sorting them out. I’m sending you love, positivity and courage. You go get em girl 💕

[Scapegoat]

Thank you for the advice ladies. Mentally, I’ve lost it. I went against all the advice and told him I couldn’t be with him anymore. I expected him to go mad, smash things up etc…none of this which makes me feel like an idiot. He ended up begging me to stay and give it another chance. I said I couldn’t as my head is all over the place but would stay for now so he can get help, sort himself out with a job not for me but for him.
He’s been lovebombing me with all different promises, cookng for me, telling me how beautiful I am, how he can’t live without me, how hell never accuse me again, how hell support me in my job. How I need to go out with my friends etc. I asked him why now and never before . He says he realises what a dick he’s been.
But now I’m anxious about everything. Firstly I don’t trust him. 2 I’ve got a really shit, worthless opinion about myself. 3. I’ve got terrible mood swings going from sitting with him talking to screaming and crying and saying I can’t do it. Now I’m terrified I’m going to lose my job as I haven’t left him I’ve backtracked. I really have gone mad. I feel permanently sick. I feel trapped. I feel like a baby who’s not capable of running their own life. I feel like I’ve let everyone down who I asked for advice or disclosed to. I just need space. I go from one being feeling okay to the next feeling like I want to take my own life.my only conclusion for this is that deep down I know it’s wrong.
I can’t do it their way, with all this cloak and dagger stuff. I want to be open and honest and grow a backbone. But I can’t . What the hell is wrong with me?

[Scapegoat]

You hit the nail on the head when you said ‘he’s saying things I would love to have heard before all of this. So why didn’t you? Sorry if this sounds harsh but they know when to turn it on and off like a tap to get what they want.
Be kind to yourself, yes you’re used to more drama and chaos but like Kip says it was an experience that became everyday life you. I spoke to women’s aid today about an incident that happened last week where he head butted me. When asked why I didn’t phone the police I replied I didn’t think it was that bad because that’s what I’m used to and actually I find the mental abuse far worse, You are used to it too. We dust ourselves off and get on with life but what kind of life is it really? It’s not, it’s an existence. Stay strong, you deserve more 💕

[Scapegoat]

Of course he’s telling you he loves you and trying to suck you back in, he has nobody to abuse now. Did he behave like that when you were him? Doubtful unless he benefited from it.
It’s not your fault he was a (detail removed by Moderator) and treated you like crap. Why is everyone else stressed and in pain? You need to do what’s right for you. I understand how stressful and exhausting it must be to organise help with the children. How old are they? Are there any other mums you can chat to or friends at work you could speak to online it must be difficult with all of your family being abroad. But don’t be fooled by his charm. You know what he’s really capable of. Sending love 💕

[Scapegoat]

I can only imagine how you are feeling. Having found the strength to organise things for yourself and take the plunge to leave, you must now be on high alert. Do you employers know? Can you talk to them and arrange another day off as well? I don’t know if you had removals etc booked or other people involved but I’m guessing people will be quick to support you if you explain. Hope you find a solution, stay strong 💕

[Scapegoat]

happierversionofme-
Take the time to love yourself. Give yourself the life you deserve. Don’t rush into anything else yet, you need to realise what a beautiful woman you are and how you can make your own choices in life.
Enjoy doing the things you enjoy doing most and spending time how you wish. I agree with Darcy-give yourself some time to be at peace with yourself. I can imagine you are hurting at the moment. Lick your wounds and take time to heal.

[Scapegoat]

It’s their whole opinion of women and our society supports it. Get married- woman takes mans name. Even in the vows – I now pronounce you man and wife …man gets to stay as man woman becomes wife, status to man. Men and women in same jobs, a lot of woman get paid less. Who should look after the kids, shopping, cooking, cleaning? Women.
Don’t get me wrong I’m not a feminist by any stretch or the imagination. My oh insists women are the weaker sex.If I don’t give him sex he thinks he is entitled to go elsewhere and get it as I’m failing in my duty as a wife. He is so arrogant he will say things like, take a photo of this and send it to your friends, ask them if they want a real man in bed come on round. It’s repulsive that he thinks he’s this sex symbol, makes me want to vomit. Now I earn more than him , he hates it and gives me constant grief about it. No matter what boundary I set, as I finally realised it’s my life and I’m a person he bulldozes over and takes no notice of. If I complain it causes a huge row with me coming off worse. Quite frankly I wish he’d get abducted by aliens and left on another planet.

So sorry this bloke turned out (detail removed by Moderator) When I finally get away ( I have to live in hope) I won’t ever go near another bloke as long as I live.

[Scapegoat]

Hi LottieBlue,
I’m pleased you made the break to leave as this must have been so difficult and if I’m honest a little envious too.
I too realise that things are never going to get better, I have grown up children, one of whom is affected mentally by the marriage which makes me feel so shit as a mother. Yet I’m still here, knowing I don’t want to be but really not knowing what to do about it as I don’t want the drama ( even though I get lots from him). It’s ridiculous as I’m financially sound ( though this worries me too as know he will be entitled to half of what I have got and slogged my guts out for while he sits around getting stoned. The other issue is I’m in a professional Job and I worry I could stand to be embarrassed and defamed by him if I leave which will leave me with no job. Although currently my job is so stressful it puts just as much pressure on me as he does.

I will have a look at the ebook you mentioned. I too went to counselling but ended up not finishing the programme as I was accused of meeting someone else by my oh and it made me have panic attacks just going. And eventually I think she thought I was a lost cause. She said I was so brainwashed by him , I couldn’t do anything for myself and others would find it quite draining to listen to me as I was so down on myself! This just made me withdraw, shut up talking to anyone about and continued to suffer in silence.
I really have had enough now so I will give this book a shot. Thanks for coming on and recommending it. I hope you stay strong and find peace with yourself. Take care 💕

[Scapegoat]

This is really difficult and something I struggle with. Like you my oh is the product of poor parenting and he really has endured some crap treatment form his parents when he was growing up. But he’s not growing up any more, he’s not willing to get professional help, which he feels makes him some kind of hero. And I’ve come to realise no matter what I do, it will never be enough.
Whatever I do , whether it’s pay all the bills, tidy the house, pay for holidays, buy presents, sort things out for him none of it is enough and now I’ve reached the point where I don’t want to as it’s constantly thrown in my face, unrecognised or appreciated and the goalpost keeps moving further away.
Like you I’m questioned about what time I got to bed, what time I get up, if I go to the toilet in the night. But he has some kind of pass to do what the hell he likes without question. Hypocrisy I think. My counsellor told me I’m completely brainwashed by him as everything I do revolves around thinking how will he react.

I feel it’s selfish to think about me and even if I do speak out to someone about him, I feel like I’m being devious and going behind his back despite how he’s treated me both physically and emotionally. I think it’s because we are decent people and can recognise right from wrong and I’m not suggesting they don’t know right from wrong, more that they feel they are superior to others and entitled to adoration, attention and basically being able to do what the hell they like. And actually we are supporting that by going along with it and tolerating it. In the same breath when I fight back and defend myself and say I’m not tolerating it, things will really escalate and he will always flip it to being my fault. And because I may have behaved irrationally I end up feeling guilty as I can see traits of him appearing in me.
You are a person. You deserve respect, love and to make your own choices too. Why shouldn’t you? It’s not unreasonable. You feel guilty as that’s how he makes you feel and you are being conditioned to act to tend to his needs. Would you be offended if he got early, or came to bed late? No neither would I and mine does quite regularly if he can make it to bed at all.
You are not being selfish by wanting something in the supermarket or getting up to do whatever you do. You deserve so much more but you’re not even getting it from yourself as you’re so hung up on how he’s feeling and keeping him sweet ( I’m so guilty of this)

I used to think mine couldn’t help what he did. Now I know it’s all part of control and getting what he wants. He is manipulative, calculated and only out for himself. A good read his Mind Games by Pamela Kole and Emotional Abuse Breakthrough by Barrie Davenport.

Sending you lots of love and warm wishes 💕

[Scapegoat]

You poor thing, I hope you manage to reach out and get the support you so very deserve. Could work support you with this, most HRs are very good nowadays and DA is on the increase and more employers have access to resources?

Please find the courage to tell your work friend. You haven’t let her down. I can understand why you would feel embarrassed but there really is no need, you haven’t done anything wrong. This man has abused his position in your family and is completely taking advantage of you.

Are you able to email your local WA or the online live chat is v helpful and supportive on here.That way he wouldn’t hear you but you could get some support.

This man cannot keep doing this to you. Have you tried contacting the police? I just wondered if something had put you off involving them. You would have a very clear case as no one deserves this.
I truly hope you when you are ready that you find the courage to leave as you cannot live your life like this.
Keep posting, it helps. Sending love 💕

[Scapegoat]

Hi midnightshadow ( lovely name) I totally get what you are saying. I was all meek and would just hide way and cry for years, waiting for a moment when he would finally speak to me again. But after years of this ( emotional and physical) I fought back as I did become really angry and was an emotional wreck.I would feel guilty for standing up for myself and he would use it to his advantage every time.
He would slap, punch, kick, poke, prod, push, grab me round throat but the minute I pushed away and then eventually slapped him back he would go on for weeks about it.
In the same breath I don’t think it’s helpful to retaliate either as I’ve found it just makes me feel worse and even more guilty. It’s one of those things that goes round and round in my head.

[Scapegoat]

Hey GT they are such great actors are t they and of course it’s all about them. Mine regularly tells me how he’s stayed up all night sobbing as he just doesn’t know what he is going to do (I don’t believe him anymore – is more likely to be sat up watching porn!) of course any support you offer will be wrong and if you don’t that will be wrong -as nobody is a knowledgeable as them. You won’t ever satisfy/please him as the goal posts further every time .It’s just part is their sick, twisted games. I can see all of this so clearly now but unfortunately like you I cannot make the move to leave even though now I know 100% that I don’t love him, I can’t live with him and all of his shit just pisses me off!

Like you I am worried about the consequences and repercussions but I know that it’s never going to work ( hasn’t in almost (detail removed by Moderator) so why the hell would it now) I’m hoping as I’m no longer in doubt about the fact it could ever work that one day I will just the find the right answer. Stay strong, keep reading, believe in you 💕

[Scapegoat]

I know I will never please him Kip, but I also know I don’t have the strength to do this either.
I just meant make him think it’s all hunky dory though to be quite honest I don’t think I can do that. But these blokes know when somethings going on especially when you have no privacy and can’t even make a call. There is a camera in house in which he records everything to listen to conversations. I just don’t see a way out at the mo and if I say f*** you, things will just escalate.

[Scapegoat]

Thank you Swan123, I just don’t understand how to go about it. I can’t just whip up a plan in a few hours. It could take weeks to find somewhere to rent. I would just be interested to know how others have gone about it when he doesn’t leave the house and without him catching on?

[Scapegoat]

Hi True blue, I’m with you and in exactly the same place. Told my oh (detail removed by Moderator) didn’t want to be with him due to the abuse. He suddenly became charming, understanding and attentive which made me wary but was persuaded to stay here as friends until Covid over ( ?)
Well now things are back to normal, the abuse physical and mental has started again though I don’t actually believe a word he says anymore. I don’t trust him. I’m stuck in lockdown working from home again while he slobs round all day bored out of his mind saying I don’t pay him enough attention ( that’s because I’m (detail removed by Moderator) live all day online).
They cam pull it out the bag whoever they need to but when he cries and begs me not to go ( rarely) I feel guilty and sorry for him so I stay ( not that I have a plan or anywhere to go)

Have you read Lundy Bancroft Should I stay or should I go? Or emotional abuse by Barrie Davenport.

Hope you sort things out True Blue, know it’s so tough to make that step xx

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