starqueen

[starqueen]

Well done for cutting contact, it is an incredibly brave thing to do and it’s you starting to put your needs first, which is only right and exactly what you deserve to do. I cut contact with my abusive father a few years ago and yes it is hard, but honestly if abusive people wanted us to be in their lives, they should have treated us better. Especially where parents are concerned I believe that if they’re not going to step us and give us the love and nurturing that everyone deserves as a default and a baseline, and instead they’re going to abuse us and force us to put our needs last, then they only have themselves to blame when we get tired of it and cut them out of our lives. I wish you every success on your healing journey. <3

[starqueen]

My father was also my perpetrator and while the abusive behaviour was different, I can relate to what you’ve said. When I was a teenager I used to wish he would leave, or my parents would get divorced. He could be like two different people as well, honestly when he was nice when I was an adult it would make my skin crawl. I really just wanted him to get away from me, or to get away from him myself but because we were “family” it never felt possible until a few years ago. Sometimes I used to feel like I was being difficult if he upset me and like we had to “be friends”.

Contact your local Women’s Aid and get help. You don’t deserve to go through this, you deserve to be safe and in an environment where you’re loved.

[starqueen]

Hi Lisa and Hetty, thank you for your replies. The abusive person in my life was a family member rather than a partner, and I think there was mental illness and abuse. I think even if he hadn’t been mentally ill, he would still have been abusive.

[starqueen]

Hi everyone, thank you for those replies! I’ll reply more fully a bit later when I’ve got more time but just wanted to reassure everyone that I’m away from the person now. They actually are no longer here and I’d cut off contact with them so I’m safe. I just sometimes feel the lingering effects of it so I think it’s helpful to reach out. <3

[starqueen]

Just adding here that yes it is abuse. It doesn’t have to be physical for it to be abuse by any means. I’m a survivor of abuse by a family member and he never was physical with me but it was still abuse. I can also recommend Why Does He Do That? reading that book was a total revelation for me.

[starqueen]

I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you thankgoodness, I really do hope that he changes his ways. I have some experience with this, my abuser had worsening health issues. I have to admit that in my case it didn’t get better, the abuse escalated with any kind of stress. Although I hope that this isn’t the case for you, I think it would be useful for you to consider what you might do if it doesn’t change, and how you can support yourself if that does happen. Also, you’re not in any way obligated to someone if they’re abusive towards you – the notion of family works both ways, and if he’s failing to be a decent family member to you, and to give you the support and love that we all deserve from family, you don’t have to put your wellbeing at stake. You can support and love yourself first. Wishing you the best of luck and hoping for a positive outcome for you.

[starqueen]

Alittlelost, it sounds really good that you’re working with your therapist to set boundaries, they can be so helpful in dealing with these things. Stay strong.

[starqueen]

Oh, mashedpotato I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it sounds awful. Have you tried the helpline or your local Women’s Aid, they may be able to help you. There is no right or wrong way to handle anything like this and it’s not okay that you’re being treated like this by your family.

I get the accusation of having no empathy, my dad accused me of treating *him* badly! If you had no empathy you wouldn’t have done all the kind things you’ve obviously done to try to help your daughter. Sending you lots of love and solidarity.

[starqueen]

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate your comments and I’m sorry that some of you went through the same thing, sending you lots of solidarity and good thoughts. I already see a counsellor so this is something I think I need to explore a little more. I think also to be honest his death wasn’t a loss to me, which makes it even harder to talk about. The biggest loss I felt is the loss of the father I deserved. I think one reason I struggle with this is because he would dump his problems on me and then try to force me to keep them secret and silence me. So I feel like having my own voice and my own story is really important and yet it’s so hard to tell it in a way that keeps my integrity because I don’t want to be or come across as a hateful person, but nor do I want to betray myself by keeping silent about what a bastard he could be. It’s definitely something that needs working out through counselling I think!

[starqueen]

Overwhelmed, guilt can definitely factor into these things when we choose to do something. I felt guilty about going no contact with my dad, and about not being able to help with things that transpired after. It’s important to remember though that guilt is meant to be felt when we do something wrong, but abusers can weaponise guilt to make us do what they want instead. Society can also reinforce that when it comes to family, without necessarily intending to. However, the actions of abusers are what lead us to do these things, and responsibility for the consequences of their behaviour is theirs to bear, not their victims. IMO guilt is meant to be a way for us to correct our behaviours when we do genuine harm or wrong, or we diverge from our core values, and it’s based on actions. Guilt is not a weapon to be used to shame us into believing we are bad and wrong for standing up for ourselves or seeking to protect ourselves from abuse and disrespect, but this is what abusers will try to do. I hope you can get the help you need for you and your mum.

[starqueen]

Thank you both, so sorry to hear you’re both going through some hard times with this too. Sande, I agree that it’s inappropriate and exhausting. Sometimes I struggle with knowing what is mental illness and what is abuse, especially as my dad used his own mental health issues as an excuse not to be accountable for his behaviour. I think after reading Lundy Bancroft’s book I’m starting to get clearer on where that line is though: I use the idea of control, deference, entitlement and freedom from accountability as a guide. It was difficult to deal with all the anxiety etc and it did have an impact on me, but my dad was the one who wanted everything to go the way he thought it should, sought control, tried to impose his will on people, threw tantrums when he couldn’t get what he wanted and tried to dodge accountability for his actions. I sometimes think that if my mum had had a different partner, things could have been a lot different for her and for me. I hope you both find some peace. <3

[starqueen]

It sounds like you’re in an awful situation girlvoice, sending you lots of love. If it’s safe to I’d suggest ringing the helpline for some advice, and writing down what’s happening. If it’s not safe to call you could also try using the live chat on the Women’s Aid site. You shouldn’t have to put up with this from people who are meant to love and support you.

[starqueen]

You’ve received some great advice here and I’d urge you to act on it. Document things, contact the police and Women’s Aid to help you. I wanted to add that yes you can get through this. I know it feels awful and while you’re going through it is the roughest thing imaginable. I also want to tell you that I went through emotional abuse and controlling behaviour with my dad, while my mum was ill. I won’t go into details here but it was so bad at one point that I seriously thought about ending it all, in fact I thought about it more than once and got pretty close to taking steps to act on it. The whole situation nearly broke me, and I stress the word *nearly* because it didn’t. I’m saying all this so you know that there are those of us who’ve been through family abuse and come out the other side. In fact only today I found myself smiling because I felt calm and had done for a long time. It’s a new feeling but it’s one I’m savouring. You deserve the same. You can do this. 💕

[starqueen]

Thank you both for your replies. They’ve both passed away now, and I did talk to my mum about these things, I think she did understand, I always felt the problem was more my dad because he was the one who had the more controlling and uncompromising attitude about things. I sort of felt that he reinforced it rather than supporting me to live my life and supporting my mum to manage her anxiety better. So the situation is resolved now as I don’t have to do those things anymore, it was just something that had been rattling around in my mind.

[starqueen]

That’s really helpful re the rational brain and trauma, KIP. I’ve found that now I’m feeling more relaxed and my abuser is no longer in my life, my thinking has improved. I do sometimes struggle with concentration and memory (I’ve not been diagnosed with PTSD or CPTSD although I think I’ve got symptoms of both – might not be severe enough for diagnosis though and I’ve got a counsellor already) but now I notice that I can think much more clearly. Journeyupwards I hope you manage to find some good support for yourself – I think it is possible to see improvements for sure!

[starqueen]

Alittlelost, you deserve to be cared about, and you deserve a life beyond abuse. Your family and partner are wrong to behave abusively towards you. It’s so hard when the people who are supposed to care don’t, but you are important and what they’ve done is wrong. I can also recommend the Samaritans too, I’ve had good experiences calling them before. You deserve a better life and caring people who will support you the way you deserve. 💕

[starqueen]

Hi HLJ this is a really brave post and I’m glad you’ve been able to deal with some of your triggers. Do you think it might help to write out how you feel? I’m wondering if that would help you get these feelings out and process them. I feel like I’m only just being able to connect with my anger in some ways although I used to feel absolute rage towards my family abuser, and sometimes I used to think about doing violent things. I think it’s a reaction to feeling so powerless, we don’t want to be in that position again. I experience it less with other people but I think because I’ve grown up people-pleasing and putting myself last it’s going to take me a long time to learn to assert myself.

[starqueen]

You are definitely right to see this as a heap of red flags. He sounds like he’s aiming to control your clothing, who you can see, what you have to do in the home (cooking and cleaning etc) and how you express your sexuality. None of this is okay at all and not how a relationship should be. You deserve better than this

[starqueen]

I think the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward would help you too. Also Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, and Take Back Your Life by Janja Lalich and Madeleine Tobias. The latter is a lot about escaping cults and abusive relationships but I’ve found it really helpful in considering abuse particularly in families as well.

[starqueen]

I will say it: you matter. And I’m going to say it again: You. Matter. 100%. My dad was abusive to me too, and it is so hard to acknowledge that one of the people who is supposed to love and accept you can’t do that. That isn’t anything to do with you though – he could make different choices and he hasn’t. All bullies like to play the victim when they get caught but he’s an adult and he is responsible for himself. I can relate to what you said about being an adult because it is hard when the abuser is a parent but you’re not a child anymore. You are however still his child and I think that power imbalance never truly goes away. I think people forget that parents can abuse their adult children and it can still harm us. Sending you lots of love, courage and strength. Please know that you’re not alone, there is nothing wrong with you, you are not at fault and once again you matter. 💕

[starqueen]

The advice you’ve been given is really good. I’d also say if you can document what’s happening. Any instances of any kind of abuse, write them down and the effect it’s having on you. Then you have evidence if you need it for the police or housing association. good luck! It’s horrible to have an abuser for a parent, sending you lots of love.

[starqueen]

Braelynn I totally get what you said about being emotionally immature in some cases but not others. I can see that in myself. I can also see myself chasing love from others and being preoccupied with people who might not be good for me while running from those who might show me love. Not just in romantic relationships but generally. I realised the other day that part of it was trying to be loved by people who didn’t love me the way I needed to be – or at all – and the need to fix that. I had a lightbulb moment when I read something which said we have to accept that the person we wanted love from can’t give it. For whether reason they don’t have the capacity and so we have to learn to give that love to ourselves. I realise I’ve pretty much always accepted less than I really deserved. I read something which said we accept the love we think we deserve and I’ve always just accepted the scraps while feeling terrified of being offered more.

[starqueen]

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. Also on a more general note for those who have experienced childhood abuse/trauma I can recommend Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko. It’s all about how early maladaptive schemas (which they call Lifetraps) can influence what we do and how we feel. A Lifetrap is a way of thinking and behaving that we might have had to adopt to deal with trauma but which is unhelpful and holds us back.

Also a bit off the wall but I really enjoyed Take Back Your Life by Janja Lalich and Madeleine Tobias. It’s about how to recover from having been in a cult, but I think there are a lot of similarities between cults and abusive relationships. I think also when mental health issues have intersected with abuse this kind of book can be really helpful. A lot of the paranoid kind of us and them thinking and unusual beliefs that some cult groups can have are similar I think to some of the beliefs of abusers who also have mental health issues.

[starqueen]

IWMB I absolutely did at times wish my dad had hit me rather than shout, get aggressive, mess with my head with guilt trips etc. I think because it’s we might feel that if there was something physical happening it would be some form of proof to ourselves and others that it really is a form of abuse. When is emotional and psychological the scars are all on the inside.

I honestly haven’t had that many relationships so I can’t say whether I pick partners like my dad, but I’m doing the freedom programme so I can spot abusive behaviour and understand it so I hopefully never do end up with a man like him.

[starqueen]

Thank you all, it is indeed a wonderful lightbulb moment. I’ve recommended the Lundy Bancroft book to quite a few people now, I find it so helpful. I think I’m probably at the stage now where I don’t really want to analyse why my dad did and said what he did. I think that was a bit of a defence mechanism for me, I spent a lot of time trying to work out what was “wrong” so I knew how to react to stop the abusive behaviour. I also think he likely had so many issues with his mental health that he didn’t know what the truth was, so how an I supposed to know? I also know that isn’t an excuse, and the entitlement etc were separate from the mental health and other stuff going on.

So now I’m trying to focus on living my life without that influence and learning how to protect myself from other abusive people.

[starqueen]

This has been mentioned already but I want to reiterate it that it’s the intention that matters here I think. You’re trying to protect yourself which is very different to controlling and abusing someone. I’ve asked myself this question in my relationship with my dad because when I was visiting him and it was just me and him I used to try to do things to distract myself, didn’t really talk to him much unless I had to and didn’t really show that much affection. Now some people might say that was mean or cold or even abusive on my part. However I was always doing it because when we did talk about things there was the possibility of an argument or him wanting me to do something that I didn’t want to do. So I limited my interaction with him. I didn’t show that much affection because why would I open up to and trust or share that with someone who was hurting me? So it was about self-preservation and protecting myself. So although I’ve questioned whether I was abusive too I have to say I wasn’t. There were times when I was a teenager that I would say yes I was quite nasty and unpleasant to him and I actually wish I hadn’t been, but I also think teenagers deserve a degree of latitude and he was s pretty nasty adult sometimes so it wasn’t all me even then!

Trying to protect yourself absolutely does not make you abusive. As has already been said too the fact that you’re soul searching and asking these questions demonstrates that you’re willing and able to reflect on your own behaviour and take responsibility. That isn’t something an abuser would do at all. Just make sure you set an appropriate boundary with yourself. It’s healthy and good to take responsibility for things we’ve done wrong, but it’s too far when we take responsibility for things that aren’t our fault. In my experience that can be a tactic abusers use, pushing responsibility onto us for things we haven’t done wrong.

[starqueen]

Thank you IWMB, thankfully I went no contact with them for a number of reasons so only really had to deal with their attempts to contact me, which were actually few. They’ve also since passed away, which is a whole other level of stuff to deal with. They could sometimes get aggressive with other people over certain things, but more with family I think, although they used to interact with very few people.

[starqueen]

Oh they definitely wouldn’t have liked it if someone had done it to them! This person had a go at me for disagreeing with them and saying things they “didn’t like” so absolutely would have gone off on one if someone slapped their hand like that. Trying not to give away too many details but it was in public and I didn’t respond to it, partly because I was too shocked, partly because I was trying to control my own feelings and also because I didn’t really know how to react. I think the best I can explain it without giving specifics was that I was touching something — not a person — that they didn’t want me to. I’m sorry this is a bit vague!

[starqueen]

A useful way of looking at this kind of thing that I’ve found is *why* a person is sulking or withholding affection etc. I’ve kind of been through this thought process with an abusive family member, was I cold towards them, not supportive enough etc. Then I stumbled upon the distinction between giving the silent treatment and setting boundaries/grey rock type techniques. It’s all about why these things are being used. Yes I didn’t spend much time with them, yes I wasn’t close to them, but that was because I was trying to protect myself. It was never about trying to get them to do what I wanted, or punishing them, it was as KIP said not wanting to be close to someone who was abusive and who I felt unsafe around and couldn’t trust. Abusive people use these tactics to punish and gain control and power, those who are being abused pull away because we’re scared and protecting ourselves. I’m guessing anyone here who is thinking about their own behaviour is actually motivated by self-protection and responding to abuse.

[starqueen]

No problem Overwhelmed, I hope it helped, and I’m sorry to hear you’re still struggling. Abusers like to put the blame on others and suggest that their victims are the ones who are at fault. They use a kind of twisted logic where they’re entitled to call the shots and treat everyone else as awfully as they like, but as soon as anyone stands up to them they retreat into playing the victim. It’s simply not true, and I think the fact that it’s affecting you this badly is another line of evidence that what is happening is not okay. Abuse is not just about what the abuser does, it’s about the impact it has on the person they’re abusing, and this is obviously having a serious impact on you. You don’t deserve to be living like this and nor does your mum, you can do this.

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