Sunflowersandstars

[Sunflowersandstars]

I am sorry you are in this position 🙁 can you call womans aid or another organisation? Hugs x

[Sunflowersandstars]

Hi have you tried to properly process all your thoughts? I found until I addressed it, let the memories flow and feel and deal with the emotions related to them I was the same- every weakened hour and nightmares while sleeping. It’s hard to let it all come to the surface- I know writing helps for me so that’s what I done- wrote them all down, acknowledged them and reassured myself I was away from him and would never allow anyone to make me feel the way he did. I feel like I’ve came out the other side- my bad days are now bad moments. I have had to address other relationships and have lost some people due to behaviours having a negative affect on me but it’s a small price to pay for being free and feeling strong and confident in myself. I still have wobbly moments but I try to think positively about the situation- I used to think about all the years I wasted with him etc now I see it as I’m a much better person for it, I learned so much from the relationship and grew so much after leaving and I’m more conscious of others feelings too. Good luck on your journey- don’t rush it, allow the hurt and anger to flow and use it to build on yourself, it does get easier I promise. You deserve to be loved and respected- first and foremost by yourself ❤️

[Sunflowersandstars]

I would do what’s right for you. Don’t think about him, them or anyone else. What would you do if it was just you you were considering? Don’t think about them, in fact they will likely turn further if they think they can get away with being that way towards you. Tell them not to contact you or your work and that things gifted will not be returned. Good luck
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

Can so relate to this! I’m trying very hard to work on understanding why my mum was the way she was with me. She was an adult with a very toxic best friend and I can’t even begin to explain how many of my ‘issues’ relate back to her. I’m at a point now I’m just tired at always having to work on myself so I now try and ‘check in’ every day. I’m learning to listen to myself, my gut, my feelings and bodies reactions. It’s very tiring huh. I think I feel emotions quite intensely- regardless of the emotion I struggle to express it so have often suppressed in the past. Something else I’m trying to work on. My counsellor told me recently that she knows people in their 70’s still trying to pick apart and find answers for things from their childhoods, and she knows people a lot younger than that who decide to not spend as much time and effort finding answers to their past as they prefer to look towards the future. I’m trying to find balance lol.
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

Please don’t direct your anger at your friend, so many of us have been here before and you know what I wish now? That I had called the police and told them how scared I was. I always felt too obligated towards him and feared what would happen to him more than worry about myself. I feel so stupid now. Your friend has done you a huge huge favour- it may not seem like it now but you will see this in time. You will not have your babies taken away- the only chance of that happening is if you choose to stay with him therefor putting them at risk, and you will be given support you just have to reach out and ask for it- and there is so much strength in this even if you don’t feel it. You can do this- you and your children deserve better- you deserve LOVE. Good luck
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

I’ve never reported anything- I’ve only spoken to a couple of close friends and my current partner. I can’t bring myself to tell my family never mind strangers. Most of the abuse was emotional and even when physical I only had to attend hospital once and it was so long ago now I don’t think it would even be an option. However I do have some messages saved of him admitting abuse and apologising then being threatening then being apologetic again. I told him if he continued bad mouthing me after I left that I would not keep quiet- I’ve never heard from him since. Good luck in your journey.
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

Hi
I would call the helpline and they will be able to advise you and let you know of agencies that may be able to help. It sounds awful, be strong. You can do this.
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

So inspiring! I was you a few years ago- I didn’t acknowledge it at the time but I done things gradually to get out safe. Wishing you all the best- please stay safe, you are on your way to being and feeling free ❤️
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way, I can’t offer any advice other than find out from your local job centre, council or citizens advice bureau what benefits and housing arrangements you may be entitled to and go from there.
I hope things improve soon, maybe visit your gp for some advice and maybe some meds to help keep you calm during the fear and anxiety. Good luck
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

Hi
I hope things improve for you soon- no matter how hard it seems getting away from him is key to improve your situation. No matter how hard or how unfair to you just get away and break contact. It’s the only thing within your power to control. You can’t control his words or actions, only your reaction to those words and actions. Wishing you strength. You can do it.
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

Thank you ❤️
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

Start doing things you want to do and spending time with people you want to be around- get in touch with friends/family. If he isn’t willing to talk about things and he isn’t keen on you doing your own things a few times a week then leave- you aren’t being allowed to LIVE! You deserve better. Start thinking about the things you love/hate/like/dislike about him and your relationship and write them down- writing helped me a lot. It made me see things a bit clearer and start to question things.
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

I’m in the same position at the moment- nightmares, flashbacks, memories swirling around in my head. I ignored it for a number of months and it just got worse, my anxiety was through the roof most days, the other days I was grateful to be out and felt strong for getting out safely. I ended up visiting the doctor and getting referred for counselling (should start soon) and have tablets for anxiety to take when it gets a bit much. I’ve been very up and down but try and keep myself grounded and do the following things;
Meditate
Yoga
Exercise
Write
Listen to music
Self healing (reiki)
Some days it feels like such a chore to do these things and I just want to curl up in bed with my dogs. I feel since I went to the doctor it’s helped. Actually things didn’t properly register with me until I had a really bad nightmare and it was like a switch was flipped and I seen him for what he was- an abuser. This was some time since I left and it’s all been a bit of a shock. I think my mind and body has waited until it’s safe and then it’s all came out. I can relate to where you are right now and you are not alone -good luck with what you decide to do.
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

I’m not really sure if I can offer any helpful advice but the first thing would be to sit down with your partner and talk- explain how you are feeling and let him know you need to discuss the things that bother you. How is your relationship otherwise? Do you spend time with friends? Get along with his friends? I hope you feel better soon
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

Looking for answers I hope you and the kids are okay. He is playing mind games with you- can you call someone? He is trying to make you feel sorry for him, tell him to go and leave his key this time- be careful he maybe dangerous if he feels he’s losing his grip on you. I would definitely call someone and get them to be there when you tell him this. I’m sorry you thought he was leaving nicely. Good luck
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

This sounds awful, you can’t do anything to control his words/actions, only your own. Take time for yourself regularly- yoga, meditation, reiki, writing, bathing with candles, exercise and music are all things that help me and if I don’t take the time to unwind and do these things I end up tense and on edge. Are you on any prescribed meds? I was always apprehensive but this past week they have been a life saver for me- the heart rate and lack of appetite were out of control and they help to mellow me out and stop me thinking too much without affecting my work etc. I hope it’s all over soon- you are nearly there, hugs.
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

Thanks shipoffools, I’m due to start counselling soon just waiting on them giving me my first appointment, I’m really struggling to come to terms with how much it’s affecting me now and overthinking everything so hopefully getting it all out will help me relax.
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

I don’t believe they can change- I listened to this and believed it numerous times and felt bad for him if he cried and apologised etc saying he couldn’t control it. Begged him to get help and he did- AFTER I left. But before it came to that he went to the doctors and was referred to mental health, even went to a stress management class, these things didn’t help him. He only ever put effort in if he could see I was giving up, as soon as things settled he went back to his usual. I often think of all the times they claim to love- if I thought I was mistreating someone I loved I would love them enough to remove myself from their life, not continue to abuse them. Be strong and think of the worst times- can you go back to that? I would recommend zero contact so you can clear your head, you don’t owe him anything, you deserve to be loved and treated well.
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

Thank you, I’m really hoping once I start counselling and get things out that things will improve, I will try the above tips, thanks ladies.
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

His ‘good’ behaviour won’t last. I’m sorry you are in this place right now- but you have said yourself you don’t think you love him anymore and that is a huge thing to accept, it was for me anyway. He will see and feel that he is losing his grip on you hence why he’s trying to be nice, you do not have to have sex with him and it’s horrible that you are too scared of his reaction to say no. Is there anywhere you can go? Maybe call a helpline? Or speak to a family member? You are so close, I can feel your desperation- and realising you don’t love him and that his behaviour is wrong are what you know and feel- you can get out, you don’t even have to say anything above leaving, just go at the first safe opportunity. Good luck
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

I love this, I write poems/lyrics too and find they help.
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

That’s great! Glad you had a nice time,I’ve been struggling recently as thoughts keep coming to me and it’s extremely difficult to switch them off, I’m hoping once I start talking to a counsellor the thoughts will become less intense and I will be able to meditate again. Good for you, long may it continue 🙂
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

From my point of view I left and he refused to give me my belongings including things like my birth certificate so I contacted police who escorted me but couldn’t do anything and when he wouldn’t let me enter the property for my things they told me there is nothing I can do about it other than go to a lawyer but that he will just say he’s got rid of it all. So I would say you would be fine to toss it all if you don’t want it.
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

Wishing you all the best for the programme. We can’t escape reality for long and I found the more I tried not to think about it the deeper I went inside of myself. I hope you have the strength to do what is right for you and the kids, once you have disconnected from him things become much easier.
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

Sounds like things are going well for you and you should be so proud of what you have achieved 🙂
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

My ex did apologise now and again after an incident but only after he had calmed and became rational again then apologised AFTER we split. It’s not helped me any. I don’t believe it. I feel he was saying it more to make himself feel better and because he wanted me back, not because he was sorry for his words and actions but sorry that I had left. Of course I don’t know what it feels like to not have it acknowledged in some way but I don’t feel any differently from being in that position to getting a sorry. It was just a word and there was nothing in his actions or words since the apology to indicate he was sorry. He was still nasty.
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

I was similar to KIP, his mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and asked me to look after his younger sister- I wasn’t even 18 at the time. I ended up staying almost a decade after she died. Don’t let anything feel like an excuse to stay, visualise yourself free from him and stick to the plan to get out regardless of what is thrown in your path. You deserve so much better and I found in times of grief and sadness his moods were worse because he felt that gave him a valid excuse for his behaviour. Get out sooner rather than later
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

I haven’t told anyone either- maybe a couple of hints here and there to closer friends/work colleagues but I’ve only spoken more openly with one friend who wasn’t someone I was friends with until after the relationship ended but had met a few times through my ex. I would be too scared of being asked loads of questions when I just don’t feel ready to talk about it.
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

I’m not sure I think it would have depended on who it was and the manner in what it was approached. I doubt it would have made me leave at that point but it maybe would have made me think about things and if I hadn’t felt so alone I might have had more strength. It’s hard to say. It’s a tricky one eh.
SaS

[Sunflowersandstars]

I hope you have the strength to leave him, your post screams at me that you are o close to that point, put a plan of action into place, try not to think about the future too much the thought is always worse than the action. You will be so much happier, even if it is a bit hard in the first place. Try not to see it as a bad thing separating your children from him and his behaviour towards you. My ex had an abusive father apparently (I never met him was only told his and his mothers side but his older sister disputed this) and he was only in his life regularly until the age of 6. Break the cycle for your kids sakes or they will either grow up thinking it’s okay to treat future partners badly or accept bad treatment. You can do this.
SaS

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