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I’ve just started a group and we’ve only done one week so far. But I feel reassured that I don’t need to speak unless I want to and if I do participate, I won’t be judged. After just one session I felt vindicated in what I’ve been feeling and realised I’m not exaggerating his behaviour and what’s he’s done isn’t acceptable. Please stick it out and I’m sure you will come to the same realisation. I know it’s not easy and it’s an emotional, difficult journey but you will
benefit by the end of the course. If nothing else you will meet women who understand and who would support you 100%. Xxxx

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Well done you!

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You may be able to do private browsing on your phone that won’t show up in your history. If your partner is like mine he will get worse if you put a lock on it so don’t do it if it is likely to put you in danger. Could you get a cheap phone off eBay that he doesn’t know about just to post in here and make calls to support agencies?
So sorry you are going through this. Xx

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Mine would say I shouldn’t be so sensitive, it was just a joke. Other times we’d make plans to meet somewhere or at a certain time and he would ‘appear’ to struggle to find me then say I wasn’t where we agreed or it was the wrong time. For years I thought I’d made a mistake, my eyes are open now!

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Well done you! It will may you time to get properly back to you but you’ll get there. You are doing so well. Stay strong. Xx

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Definitely try Rights of Women, they give advice on how to do certain things on your own so you don’t need to pay a solicitor. I’ve just started this process so can’t advise further but I will be doing as much alone as I can. Good luck and sending hugs. X

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He sounds like my ex. I’m living with my parents as I couldn’t stay and I’ve applied for an occupation order but no idea if I’ll get it. I feel so guilty for even trying and wonder if I’ve exaggerated the abuse over the years. Stay strong and stick to your guns, don’t make it easy for him, he has brought this on himself. Xx

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Call the helpline and see if they can give you details of any local organisations who can offer you support. Go back to you GP, tell them you’re struggling on the Mexicans see if you can be referred for counselling or some other therapy. You don’t need to feel alone, there are people who can help. Sending hugs. X

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Hi, well done in getting to where you are. I went to make a police statement today and I’ve also posted forms to try to get an occupation order and non-molestation order, I’m terrified I won’t be beloved and that this will all just make things 10 times worse. Since I told him what I was going to do he ramped up the nasty comments to the children and sent me horrible texts blaming me for everything they are suffering. He even had me doubting myself and wondering if I’d exaggerated everything.
I keep being told he’s panicking now and things will get worse before they get better but it really is terrifying!

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This is abuse, plain and simple. Me ex would always say our problems were my fault and I had to to no about my behaviour. I tried everything I could to placate him and tried to be the perfect wife. Nothing was good enough and I realise now, nothing would have been.
Calling you names and putting you down is not acceptable, you are worthy or love and you don’t deserve this. Please seek support from Women’s Aid or the Police.
Thinking of you. Xx

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I’ve left my husband but whilst he is still in the family home alone, my kids and I are living with my parents. People keep telling me I need to kick him out but I still feel guilty as he has nowhere else to go. From what I understand, guilt is a typical emotion and that’s linked to the way we’ve been treated in the past. It’s so hard to say, “No! I and my children deserve better!”
I wish you all the strength and love as this is the hardest thing you’ll have to face.
Keep posting. Xx

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I’d like to hear others experiences too. Me and my children are currently living with my parents but this is not sustainable long term. I’d like to ask him to sell the family home and split the money, can I do this? I’m. Awaiting a solicitor appointment. X

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Thanks for sharing, that really give me hope for the future. Xx

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Well done for starting to talk about it. I was scared too at first but I’ve told the Police and Women’s Aid, a solicitor and my kids school – everyone has believed me and been so supportive. It has given me the strength to stick to my guns and stay away from him.
You will be believed, if you encounter a sceptic, move on and speak to someone else. There are plenty of people and organisations out there who will support you through this.
Thinking of you. X

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You sound very brave and much stronger than you probably feel. Can I ask how you got him to leave, I had had to move out to family as he refuses to leave the family home. The children keep asking when we are moving back in and I can’t bear to tell them I can’t. I’ve only been gone (detail removed by moderator) and so far he has barely spoken to me or messaged me. Only contact has been regards the children. I want to start moving on but feel like I’m In limbo.

 

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Focus on the fact that this is him trying to mess with your mind and not you. You do not deserve this. Please see the solicitor and find out where you stand. Xx

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What an absolute arse! Demanding you say you love him when he won’t reciprocate is shitty. My husband did this in the early of our relationship and I don’t think he ever actually said “I love you” to me after 2 decades together.
If I disagree with his opinion then I am mad/mental or an idiot. I got to the stage where I never made decisions or responded to his posts through fear of reprisals.

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I was scared to report my husband, I was shaking as I waited for the call to go through. But the police were brilliant, it was such a relief to be taken seriously by the authorities and an officer came to see me within a couple of hours.
You can ask them to not take it further and unless they have serious concerns they will respect this. At least you will then have it logged and they know that a call from you is serious.
Please think about telling someone, your GP if not the police.

Good luck. Xxx

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My husband is the same, we’ll have a row, he’ll sulk for a few days then act like nothing happened. Throughout our whole relationship I don’t think he ever apologised or accepted his behaviour was unacceptable.
Why didn’t I see it earlier!!

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I’ve only very recently left. He hasn’t responded how I imagined so my advice would be to try to prepare for different scenarios and confide in a family member or friend who can support you. I’ve had some really good advice from Women’s Aid and the Police so consider calling them to help you formulate an escape plan.
Good luck and keep posting for support. X

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Thanks all. I went back yesterday when I knew he was out to get some more clothes etc. Later I got an text saying, (detail removed by moderator)
I’ve heard nothing.
The kids are starting to get more upset and worried because they don’t know why daddy hasn’t asked to see them yet. I know he’s trying to punish me but the only reason his behaviour bothers me is because they are so upset. I’m determined not to cave though. They will see it’s for the best in the future. X

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Still no contact from him. It’s not the reaction I expected, I thought there would be abusive texts and demands. Friends say maybe he’s shell shocked, he never thought I’d actually go through with it and maybe he expects me to go crawling back in a few days. My eldest keeps asking when he’s going to want to see them and if he actually wants to see them, I have no answers. 😢
All I can do is take it a day at a time and keep my support network close to me. I’m very lucky to have a number of people on my side and ready to help in anyway they can.
If I can do this, you can too. X

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Thank you so much for your comments. I wouldn’t have had the strength without some of the advice on this forum. You guys are great. X

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Thank you for your kind words Escapee, I’m pleased you’ve had support with your situation.
I’m still at home but I have a suitcase packed and in the car, I just can’t bring myself to devastate the children further by taking them away. I’m so torn as I know it’s not good for them to see what’s going on but at the same time they are happy here with us all together.
It would probably only take one word for me to go but I know he will now not speak to me for days unless it’s unavoidable. I can’t bear this anymore.

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It’s so hard making that break, they are so good at confusing you and making you doubt yourself. Don’t feel bad, it takes time to finally break free. I’m still stuck in he relationship. X

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Thank you KIP your advice really helps. I’ve been to the GP, that’s what made me face up to what’s happening, it was so good to hear someone describe what was going on as abuse and to feel supported. It was her who told me about Women’s Aid so I will keep trying to reach someone local if I can’t get through. I have also started a log after reading someone’s post on here, it’s scary seeing it in black and white but I know I might need it one day. X

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I actually pressed 999 on the phone but didn’t make the call as I was scared what he’d do if I did. I will call them tomorrow and at least have them log it even though I don’t want them to come out. I’ve tried to call Women’s Aid a few weeks ago but it was constantly busy and sadly he rarely leaves the house so I’ve not had a chance since. I also fool myself into thinking I can live with it when things are ok but today just goes to show I’m deluding myself. I feel so guilty that the children are being so hurt by it. He actually had the nerve to say I ruined their lives letting them be born as God did not think I should have children. They are all IVF babies as I can’t have them naturally, I just cannot believe he could even utter those words. I hate him!!!

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Too Far
This is definitely abuse, you need to speak to someone, have you called the helpline?
My husband is the same, when we argue he will then give me the silent treatment for days then suddenly act like nothing happened. I tend to go along with what he wants now for an easy life and because I’m worried about the backlash there will be when I stand up for myself. I know this isn’t right or healthy and I am working up to an exit plan but it is hard, so I know where you are coming from. In between the bad times, he can be very nice and we get on fine, but when I “disobey” or do something he’s not happy about it’s horrible and affects the whole family.

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We tried it, I think he thought I would get told my past flirtation with another man was terrible behaviour and I should try to be a model wife. However, the counsellor was very good and saw through him. She pointed out his controlling ways and unachievable expectations. We went twice and I felt it helpful for me but he won’t go back saying the counsellor was ‘mad’! Typical of his behaviour.
I would say try it, even if nothing changes you’ll have proof you’ve tried to address things if it ever gets to a you vs him situation.
Good luck. X

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Dragon, I completely relate to what you’re saying. I switch from being sure I will leave next time something happens to letting it go once again. When things are bad it is clear I’m in an abusive relationship but we can go weeks/months without a major incident and during those times I think am I imagining it or blowing things out of proportion?
Almost daily are the sly little remarks or put downs but I’m almost immune to them now, I’ve come to expect them.
I’ve told him if he physically hurts me again I will the Police but he says I won’t get the chance cos he’ll kill me. Even this isn’t enough to make me leave – why??

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