BakingQueen

[BakingQueen]

Thank you both. Although they are differing opinions some what.

Just for additional context:
His parents have expressed to me that they want to see my child. I told them I wasn’t comfortable with him being around his dad. They said they would not stop him from see my child. So I refused them access.

There has been neglect towards my son prior to that. It’s mainly what my son has expressed has happened and I have one photo evidence of neglect too.

Even though the CMS are taking maintenance through deduction of earning does that count? I’m well off so without his money we wouldn’t be struggling, would that still count as financial abuse? I’ve spoken to the CMS and they don’t really get involved in this, only concerned with payments of maintenance for the child.

I’ll seek some legal advice.

[BakingQueen]

Thanks Ladies!! I’ll be taking all this on board

Xxx

[BakingQueen]

Hi Eve1,

I’ve been in the same situation as you. Left with over-payments that I need to pay back. Pretty much a similar amount to you.

When I phoned they were REALLY helpful. They set me up with the minimum payment which is £15 pm (at the time it was around Christmas and I was panicking about how I would afford it) and as long as I keep to that it will expire in a few years. It is worth giving them a call and explaining the situation, it worked for me so I hope it works for you too.

Good luck! x

[BakingQueen]

So proud of you I.dont.know!!

I knew you had it in you. Keep pushing forward even when things get tough, they’ll get better in the end.

Xxx

[BakingQueen]

Hi stay or leave.

Like so many ladies experiences on here my ex two moved on to another within weeks of me leaving I reckon. He tried to mention it during a pick up one time “So you know about me and so and so?” He really thought I would be jealous. I left! Good luck to the pair of them, she especially will need it.

I also had those same feelings as you. I felt lumbered with all the responsibility. But i view it in a new light now. We love our kids, we do right by them. Its best if they aren’t around and the longer the better.

My ex hasnt been around to see our kid in ages now and let’s not even get started with child maintenance. But that’s ok because I did the right thing in leaving and so did you. This just shows you, what kind of man wouldn’t miss his kids enough to keep contact? And that right there highlights the complete selfishness these men have.

Stay strong lovely xxx

[BakingQueen]

Hi Imfree. Can’t say I’ve had much luck either. It’s been ages since i left and he has plain outright refused. Still do this day nothing has been paid to me and they are supposed to be collecting it now

His family know he doesn’t pay and they are disgusted by him. But of course that’s his family so in the end they will forgive me.

His reasoning is he knows I earn well and so doesn’t think his son is going without. But it’s the principle and the responsibility of paying for a child you made. It’s got nothing to do with my wage but that’s how he justifies it.

He’s not currently working at the moment and I can guarantee you he will get his new gf to pay for all his living expenses or have another kid so he pays me less.

I won’t stop the fight for payment and in the mean time the debt is wracking up but I doubt it’ll ever get paid. It’s a joke really.

Sorry your suffering. Wishing you all the best xx

[BakingQueen]

Good Luck! I hope it all goes to plan and if not, improvise but most importantly, stay safe. Thinking of you xx

[BakingQueen]

Thanks Lisa and Ftc.

I’ll make the necessary preparations and give the helpline you mentioned a call.

So grateful for this site and valuable advise from all it’s members. X

[BakingQueen]

Good Luck my love. I remember when I left I tried to take everything but some sentimental things got left behind.

To this day I remind myself those things are material. What really matters is you and the kids. So don’t be too hung up on grabbing everything. Make sure you have paperwork, birth certificates, passports etc, essentials and then anything else that means something that you can carry.

Good luck and don’t forget why you’re doing this. It’s safer this way to leave in secret x

[BakingQueen]

Hiya, sending you lots of love and support. What you’ve written is absolutely heart breaking. No one deserves to be treated that way.

Don’t minimise his behaviour, none of this is ok. Even if he didn’t hit you ‘this time’s all those horrible words are unacceptable.

I hope you find the courage to throw him out or leave yourself. Reach out for support. Call the helpline, your GP. Be honest with them. You’re PTSD won’t get any better with him around.

Wishing you all the best xx

[BakingQueen]

Maddog,

I’m so pleased for you. You give me hope that I to can find enjoyment in meeting someone new.

I know it’s early days for you but enjoy it.

Your comment about your boney bum made me smile. Thank you for that, it was needed today xx (although I’m sure that’s not true lol

[BakingQueen]

You don’t need a reason. He’s done so much to you already. I was the same way, I tried to tell him but he didn’t listen and he got it in my head that if i did leave it would be for nothing and that it would sound pathetic explaining that I left because he didn’t do the washing up but he was minimising his abusive behaviour. No.1 you don’t need to explain to anyone why you leave, your happiness is deserved and no-one should get in the way of that 2. You don’t need to justify anything. You’ll learn in time that you don’t care if people believe you or not. You know it happened / is happening. You KNOW the truth. Screw what other people think. Just because someone doesn’t believe you doesn’t mean it never happened.

I really hope you get out soon. I understand the thought process and it does take time but you’ve got to shift your thinking. Good luck xx

[BakingQueen]

Anonon,

I’ve been where you are. It feel as like there is no way out. But I can assure you that in time you will find the strength to leave.

No.1 those practical assumptions are true but like the lady above me said you deserve to be happy. My ex can’t be trusted with my son and in the beginning I allowed him access. Now I’ve refused. Supervised or court. Simple as and he’s lost interest already and moved on to the next poor soul so me and my son have been left in peace (for now)

I can sense from what you typing there is a lot of doubt in yourself, but learn to trust your gutt. This man isn’t nice to you, he is physically abusive to you and there is NO excuse for that behaviour. Don’t minimise it. You are NOT as bad as him. In fact you are not bad at all. Remember that.

Gain support when you can. Make a plan and get out as soon as. Think of yourself and your kids only. His mother isn’t your responsibility either. Sounds harsh but in these situations your safety is key. I know it’s hard, trust me I’ve been there but the more you see this for what it is the more you find strength and then the amazing freedom you’ll feel when you leave

Always here. Feel free to message me if needed. X

[BakingQueen]

@still here. Thank you!

You’ve put something into perspective for me. It is true I was an object to him. Someone to pay for everything and did everything around the horse while he sat on his games console. I was nothing more and that does hurt but I can’t change the past.

My ex was the same, he don’t care that I was juggling a million and one things while he didn’t work and added debt to our lives. He cared and still does only for himself. The way he’s acted towards our son after the break up proves he doesn’t even love his own flesh and blood.

Thank you for sharing. I’ve decided to make it my mission for the rest of the year to fall in love with myself. Keep a diary, try me things, plan holidays, save and read new books. I’m quite looking forward to it. At least that way with the diary I can track my feelings and maybe I’ll see some emotional progress that way xxx

[BakingQueen]

Ladies, thank you.

@fridges thank you for such a detailed response. I’ve been doing so many things I wasn’t able to do before, holidays with and without my son, studying, online shopping, I have no money worries anymore since leaving. I really can’t complain as life is so good for me. Seeing my son be happy and thrive reaffirms the right choice was made. I guess my self confidence has been dented and I think to myself “who would really what me and my saggy tummy and saggy boobs” even though on the contrary I tell myself everyday how amazing I am and how lucky someone will be to have me and I’ve got so much going for me and really I’m a catch but it’s going a long way to believing it. And then in the same breathe I tell myself I don’t need a man because really I don’t. I am doing this on my own and doing a good job so far. You are right. I need to fall in love with myself again and I will take that on board

@KIP I allow myself to feel sad but not for too long. I tell myself it’s ok to hurt and I’m allowed to cry but I know no more tears should be wasted on him. Thank you for responding to my post.

@itwillbeok in time you will find the strength so set those boundaries and we will work on healing as with other ladies via this amazing space. Good luck with it all. I have faith in time we will look back and feel nothing like this soon enough. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me x

[BakingQueen]

Hey bubblegum.

You are so right. I know I’m so much better off not being with him. Every time he continues to act this way it proves to me each day how good the choice was to walk away. I reckon it would be a lot harder to get over it if he was being nice to me. But that hasn’t happened.

He loves to play victim and act like he is so sad but I reckon he is incapable of any emotions at all.

At the moment I’ve stopped visitation and if he asks for some time I’ll tell him it’s supervised or not at all. I’m sure that will go down well but I don’t care. What you’ve said has given me the power to make that choice. I was always so sure that later on my ex would manipulate our son and say “but i wanted to see you and your mum didn’t let me” but what’s best for him is to have nothing to do with his dad. I’m glad that has worked for you.

X

[BakingQueen]

Thanks Ladies.

KIP, sorry you had to be the next victim. They just hide it so well. You believe that everyone else is the problem. Like you rightly described I’m sure he is telling her I’m the bad one for not letting him see his kid and that he’s chosen her over his family so she feels indebted to him.

We’re all more educated now and if another man like that came along I’d run a mile. But I guess this is her lesson to learn.

People that don’t understand think men like that can change however I highly doubt it. I think he will get his new gf pregnant just to trap her even more.

I feel I so dumb not to see what he was and she’s falling for it the same way. But that isn’t my problem. You live and you learn.

Thanks for replying ladies xx

[BakingQueen]

Well done on all those achievements.

It’s so warming to see people move on from this and continue to live life, even after hitting rock bottom

Good luck with everything. X

[BakingQueen]

I love this. Thank you for sharing.

[BakingQueen]

Thanks for your reply ladies.

So the wedding isn’t a family wedding it’s a long time mutual friend and my son is (Detail removed by Moderator) for her. The bride herself was in an abusive relationship. She asked me if he’d been physical and i told her yes. She knows exactly what these men can be like first hand.

And in a crazy turn of events I found out his mum and dad have both wiped their hands of him. He’s successfully turned everyone against his new gf and now no-one wants anything to do with either of them. They all blame her for him going AWOL. but i know the truth, this is what he wanted all along, so he can play on the isolation. I did tell his dad about him paying no child support and not turning up which he want impressed with. He was actually really angry about it coz that’s not how he raised him but yes they knew he had this side of him and he’s beyond help.

Anyway, (Detail removed by Moderator) he can’t be trusted.

Thanks for responding to me. X

[BakingQueen]

Hi lemon cup and welcome 🙂

I echo what Poodlepower has said, practice self care, work on yourself. Focus on things that make you happy.

It is tough but remember the good times weren’t real. The nice person isn’t actually them and it might seem like they have moved on and are happy but understand these men are fundamentally flawed. What they lack in, they drain from their partners. She’s in for the same and it is nice for you to try and warn her but these men are clever. He has already built a wall between the two of you to ensure she doesnt like you so whatever you say wont be taken seriously. This is her mess now, she will deal with it as she see fit.

Do what is right for you and your child. Feel those feelings, allow them to come and go. The more you fight them, the harder it is to move on. You are allowed to miss him, nothing wrong in that but you are also aware that you wont go back, that’s a positive thing.

Stay strong, take this moment to finally be free from him and get everything legal and documented from here because he will mess you about.

The worst is not over yet, but you WILL get there. Have faith xxx

[BakingQueen]

Hi ladies,
Thanks so much for your responses.

So he is in hospital his family have confirmed that. He us actually in a really bad way with a whole host of injuries.

Thanks for bringing me back to earth through, I haven’t forgotten what he has done to me but I feel sorry for him. As horrible as he was to me and his idiocy of (Detail removed by moderator) is how own fault, I don’t feel responsible for that, I guess I feel like this could show him how short life is and to be a better person I guess. I won’t hold my breath.

Holiday plans aren’t postponed though. X

[BakingQueen]

So happy to hear of your small victory. It’s horrible what’s happened to you but you are taking the steps to move on and it seems you are taking it one step at a time. Thanks for sharing. X

[BakingQueen]

Itwillbeok,

I used to feel a lot like you. I never wanted to be a single mum, heck I didn’t even really want to have my child at the age that I did. I stayed because I didn’t want to be a single mum and I’d tell him many times I couldn’t do it on my own. Then I started to believe in myself that I actually could do this by myself.

I too used to feel like a burden to my family but so many people have told me “it takes a village to raise a child” parents, grandparents, aunties, uncles; we all at some point take part in raising the youth of today and I doubt your family or friends would view you as a burden. I am sure they have understanding of how hard it is to raise children as a single parent and are most likely so proud of you for making it work as you do. I know how hard it is, so from me, WELL DONE YOU!

It may seem easier to stay in such a horrific relationship, but actually the best thing you could do is leave. And that step in itself takes so much bravery. Your first sign of putting your foot down and taking no more rubbish!

I had counseling and it was a God send. It totally changed my mindset of how I view myself as a mother and a person. I now love the fact I am a single mum, I don’t feel like a mess anymore. I understand that woman who haven’t experienced what we have can still feel useless. It’s that good old fashioned ‘mum guilt’. You will realise most of your feelings are totally normal and with the right help you can sit in a safe space to express yourself, deal with what has happened to you and have the tools to move on with the rest of your life

Good luck my love. I don’t know you, but I am proud of you. X

[BakingQueen]

Hello BrokenWings and welcome.

I just wanted to say that from reading all that you have typed you come across so strong, so determined, so ready to make a change. You are opening up and telling what has happened to you (no more shame and hiding) and that is a great first step.

You have made your choice and you are doing all you are to stick to it so GOOD ON YOU AND WELL DONE! Nothing makes me more happy than seeing woman who have been in that position become the strong powerful beings they ought to be and put their foot down.

Keep going, Keep moving forward.

I would say though, keep those messages, they show a pattern and you could get him done for harassment if he doesn’t ease up so bare that in mind. Message can be used as evidence.

Good luck with it all. x

[BakingQueen]

I remember feeling so anxious every time someone rang the doorbell because I wasn’t sure if it was the bailiffs. I used to get worried that if I let them in my ex would be upset with me. Now I have left I don’t have that stress either. I didn’t realize it until I read your post and it’s a nice feeling to have.

We can also have nice times away and enjoy our time and money as we should. Properly enjoy our lives and be truly happy. I am so grateful to be out.

It’s funny that, feeling like they have won because they aren’t paying. The real win is the fact that you left. That was the true battle. You stood up for yourself and didn’t take his rubbish and that is the REAL win 🙂

[BakingQueen]

To be honest with you, he wont be civil. These men don’t work that way. In his head you leaving him is a giant slap in the face and so why should he be civil when you broke the family up. That is how he will see it.

You don’t need to give him any chances. Like I said, it wont be easy. Forewarned is forearmed right? Be prepared for him to really get in your head but ALWAYS remember why you are making this choice. They are so clever at turning things around and their messed up logic is something no-one can contend with. It’s impossible to reason with them.

I’ve seen a lot of woman say that when you leave and stand up to these people this is the most dangerous time, so please be careful. As they realize they are losing control they can turn nasty. Stay safe x

[BakingQueen]

Wow. Sounds just like my ex.

Refused to pay child support. So I told him he is leaving me with no choice but to contact CSA. Then when they did, I got a text demanding to see our child more. Like kids are pay per view. I told him I’d rather leave things as they are. He left it alone. Until they recalculated the amount (as I told them I was expecting more) all of a sudden I am ruining his life and how could l do this to him and if I loved our child I wouldn’t this. Ha! Pity party for one.

I love how karma is working it’s way on him and I sit back and enjoy it. He’s got a tonne of debt (which according to him is my fault – not his stupid choices to want something now instead of saving like a normal person). He expected me to foot the bill but when I left I stopped paying for everything (he didnt have a job – again my fault too even though I told him not to leave it. That made me selfish apparently)

Sorry, rambling on. I guess my point is karma will catch up with them. The desperation for control means they will come up with anything but it won’t stick. You keep standing your ground! X

[BakingQueen]

Exactly. I don’t quite understand how a woman can get with someone who doesn’t give a damn about their own kids. How can you sit by and watch someone put you before his own flesh and blood? For the new lady it probably feels good because she feels special, but really it just shows how he will be if she was in that same situation and she wouldn’t enjoy that at all.

Sadly, as we all know, it’s only a matter of time before he starts again and of course it will be so subtle they don’t even see it happening. I’m so glad you are out. I hope he doesn’t ever come back and pester you again MsTaken.

[BakingQueen]

Idontknow,

In time you feel find strength to leave that message.

It is strange because you know they have done you wrong but you somehow feel guilty for telling on them. And that is due to all the mind games they play. Making you think everything is your fault. That they are never to blame when really they are ONLY to blame. Your only crime is giving someone who wasn’t worthy a chance and I for one can not begrudge you for that. It is so subtle like confused-and-alone said.

In time you will be ready and when you make that phone call and start that plan and finally get out. You wont regret it. It wont be easy. They will throw everything and the kitchen sink at getting you to stay. I was lectured for well over 3 hrs after I told him I wanted out and in the end I went from “I am leaving” to “I just need some space” but I knew I was never going back and when he realized WOW. The mask fell off in front of my family (and the waterworks too)

Hang in there. It will get worse before it gets better but we are all here to support you and help you through it. Keep sharing. I would love to follow your journey xx

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