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Yeah it’s a safeguarding board. I just read your housing post and from what you wrote it will be looking at the safest way to get you and your daughter moved. They will probably move your urgency band on social housing if you are registered if not they will look at how they can help you. Less than a month after my MARAC meeting i was collecting the keys for my new house! You may get a social worker but if your taking the steps to protect your daughter, which you are they are good. Mine used to play with the kids while I cooked dinner (I know this was a tactic to speak to them alone but I had nothing to hide). You are definitely in a good place! Good luck x

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No they will not put you in danger if you still live with him. MARAC is a risk assessment board, every so often they get together it’s usually housing or a council member, the police, social services, education etc they will assess your need for housing and what’s best for your welfare and your kids if you have them. MARAC deal with high risk cases. It’s good you’re with the right people MARAC helped me loads! x

[bubbles]

Just re read your post it sounds like your mum is the (detail removed by moderator) and your dad the enabler. I always thought it was my dad but it wasn’t it was her! My parents stayed together my dad is calmer now and my mum can’t win because I will call her as soon as she starts and so will my daughter we had a minor incident over christmas and my daughter said don’t speak to my mum that way before I could even speak even my sis said she was wrong.

I think my mum is envious of me now, well she tells me she is because of the bond I have with my kids and how well i’m doing alone! I think this has come with a healthier environment she has no influence what goes on in my house take the abuser out of an environment and away from people they can abuse and they are no longer an abuser. It’s very odd how the power has shifted in my family I am now the go to person for issues.

If you find what I am saying has any relevance and you want to go on a research around it I’m here for you to talk to just PM me x

[bubbles]

Hi Serenity

Have you heard of (detail removed by moderator) parents? I don’t know if this relates to you but it’s a similar dynamic to the one you describe!

There’s a Scapegoat the rest are golden children there’s another type of child , can’t remember what it is it’s not as talked about as the other 2.

There’s the (detail removed by moderator) parent who is the one causing the trouble the other parents is either an enabler sometimes joining in on the abuse or enabling it. The golden children are well golden children the (detail removed by moderator) projects their desired self image onto them and molds them to what they want to be themselves. (I have read stories where this could be to the point of even meddling in teenage childrens sex life!) Then the scapegoat everything is their fault because the (detail removed by moderator) wants to protect the perfect family image they put out into the world so they need someone to blame and punish when things go wrong. They are there to shift the blame onto and they are treat like a naughty child because if all their failings are your fault they can’t treat you well can they?

Just have a quick google it’s all very interesting as you know through DA where the stories are all similar they are the same with this kind of the abuse too! I also read will I ever be good enough which was written by a woman who was the scapegoat and now has a healthy relationship with her (this is something that can happen when it’s the parental abuse you just need to emotionally age which is something a (detail removed by moderator) parent won’t let you do they keep you a child mentally and make you feel you can’t stand up for yourself).

I went through this after because I always believed I was bad and deserved the treatment but my therapist told me I wasn’t and it was all them it was the first time anyone had ever said that to me! Working this out helped me with my abuse and I felt like I got closure for her treatment too!

My sis the golden child was a vile person but it was because she was a mental mess from being the GC (they suffer too) she started working on her MH and now we have a relationship, we are friends, she is nice and she is now like another parent to my children whereas before she was too selfish to consider them as human beings!

x

[bubbles]

His girlfriend said she would put the money in I just say him because this is clearly his plan and doing “get one girl to pay the other girl and let me have control over the whole thing”. Just goes to show how bad things are for the poor girl! I think with the amount offered I could get a good pay out from him. Trying not to get my hopes up though before I would have been happy with base rate I don’t want to raise my expectations, mentally spend the money and feel let down.

[bubbles]

Keep a log of when he comes to see you and try gather some evidence. Is there a friendly neighbor that will vouch for him coming to your door? this is harassment and stalking it is a cause to contact the police you don’t want this man at your door! He could get aggressive even though you may not think it because he’s being nice trying to get his claws in but if he is unsuccessful he will turn nasty
Stay safe x

[bubbles]

Hi

Please do not hate yourself, you are not a bad parent, he is and a bad husband. I don’t know if you have thought of an escape plan or getting out but it’s a good idea to start planning if not.

Your son loves you and you are not a bad parent. Every child deserves and wants a mother just like your son deserves and wants you. I remember going to the doctors because i got so bad I thought i was undeserving of my kids and they were better than me and the environment we were in I was even considering putting them into foster care myself. But I got out and now I know i’m a fantastic mum doing a fantastic job.

It’s HIM doing this to your family not you you are a good mum and trying your best in the circumstances you’re in. x

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I don’t get flashbacks I never did but even now I get triggered and the feeling of how I felt comes back. I usually breakdown cry until I fall asleep and wake up feeling my normal sunny self again. It doesn’t happen often maybe once every few months I tend to feel allot better after the meltdown though I think it could be me chipping away at the feelings i’ve covered for so long x

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I’m going through the divorce process now and I will be keeping my married name. My kids are my family and I see them as no part of him as I see the name I have now. His name is so much prettier than my maiden one too and easier for people to understand when I talk on the phone lol. When the kids hit the legal age i’ve talked to them about changing it but they don’t like that idea as I said my maiden name is not nice x

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I went through the exact same thing serenity. My abuser would leave me and vanish for days and in those days I would get myself into a state and usually go drinking for days just to be around people. This was a vicious cycle as firstly I was drinking with HIS friends as he had cut me off from my own and secondary alcohol is a depressant and everything seems worse when you drink allot.

I moved myself far away from his area with all his friends and decided to cut contact with everyone he knew and build my own life. He was in prison at the time. I vowed my home would be a happy home I spent a month before I moved getting the house looking immaculate and well decorated. My old home had been smashed up so many times it was a horrible place to live.

The first weekend in my pretty house I realised I’d forgotten to sort the sky out so I had no TV the kids were away with family and I had no friends in the area so I faced the dreaded fear of my first weekend alone! I thought i’ll just push through it! That weekend I got to learn things about myself. I became addicted. The more time I spent alone the more time I got to become me again and the more I felt better about myself. People became worried about me being alone all the time but being alone made me love myself

Few years down the line i still like my alone time but in moderation now. I work full time and volunteer so there’s not much isolation I can do but friday is my night! I drop the kids off come home, get a bath, order food, crack the wine open and put a film on. I usually end up with the music on singing away at the top of my lungs. My friends think i’m weird but to me time alone is a really good thing! Whenever I have a bad day or have to deal with horrible people that trigger my feelings I come back into my safe space for alone time. It just helps me rearrange my perspective.

For me being abused so much it’s hard not to believe it’s me with the problem but when I have alone time I can reflect and understand what happened. Usually I am more confident after too. I don’t think it’s anything you need to worry about I think you are just finding yourself again! x

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Thanks guys I dunno what to make of this all. This morning I got a note through my door telling me he was moving far away so just wanted to say goodbye. Iv explained my situation to another survivor here it’s very difficult and complex there’s allot for me to lose by calling the police more than protection registers etc it could seriously change my life and ruin opportunities for me. It’s hard to explain without giving too much details. I seriously don’t know what to think of this note at best I can hope he’s telling the truth and he’s going at the worst it’s a part of his plan to try jilt me to get back with him (which will never happen). I watched the “Married single dead” doc which was quite worrying because he never smashed a laptop but there was a time in my life where I was lucky to keep a mobile for more than a week and just gave up on having one at all. In my old house there was actually an impression on the wall where my phone had hit it so hard the buttons and everything had left a clear imprint in the wall! He’s not very tech savy though never has been so the internet is a very safe place for me! I just dunno what to make of all this x

[bubbles]

Thankyou I will just send it to spam for now hopefully they will get bored. I will also only be using good forums set up by actual establishments. From what iv seen the ones which have not are snake pits and you’ll only get abused further.

[bubbles]

it’s not often a one off. Can I ask you were his exes horrible unreasonable people when he spoke about them? chances are if they were they weren’t if you get me.

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That’s horrible ayanna I would’ve taken the blazer off as soon as I got there and told him it was too warm. And well done in your achievements!

LONC it’s nice to do that for your child when or if mine do it (my daughter seeing this wants it too and she stole my graduation cap all day and told me she was so proud of me) it will be a big thing and I’ll probably end up crying because like doing my degree alone I raised the kids alone. But it’s how graduations should be and congrats to yours too!

Things got worse last night I got a call from my sister because my father is so proud of her he bought her a brand new car outright to say well done for just booking her driving test! so yeah she’s older than me has more money than me as she still lives with my parents and has no kids! To make it more of a slap they told me they were all gonna drive to mine to show me. I try keep my house to myself it’s a very nice house that I work hard to fill and keep with positive energy so I couldn’t have them coming to mine. Me and the kids were in our pjs so I said grab your coats let’s go for ice cream. We went for ice cream in our pjs lol but then to avoid the visit we stopped by theirs. When I was telling my kids to leave my mum said one day I’ll be able to give up work and you two can come live with me! And my daughter just looked at her and said no I’d never leave my mum my son then said no I don’t want to do that which wiped the smugness off them.

This is what all the narc books say they are punishing me for achieving something so when her friends say well done her graduating she can talk about my sisters test and the fact she’s hacking my emails because she things I’m back with my ex see as the scape goat I cannot look like a good person!

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Thankyou KIP, It has all pushed me to do more this is only the beginning of going as far as i can with my studying and seeing the jealousy of my sister well it all just wants to make me do better and go further I might aswell be educated as far as my brain and finances will allow me to be!

Iv worked through the abusers in my mind im over all the domestic abuse it’s just the child abuse i suffered and the adult child abuse i’m still suffering which i think im only beginning to work through. They are all just so unreasonable!

[bubbles]

Thankyou ladies

I’v noticed though although nobody asks to be the scapegoat we allow it to happen. It’s just us it’s how we naturally behave. I dunno about you but my problem is, is that i cannot be bothered to go out of my way and make other peoples life hell. Nor do i have time for malice or hate its poor wasted energy plus i don’t like confrontation at all i’d rather put a face on and just accept someone and the situation for the duration i have to spend there.

I’m at uni and a girl in my class was “jokingly” hitting me and speaking to me like rubbish all the time. It was making me dread going and she was hitting me hard too. One day she hit me round the head with a book very hard i saw stars and i just screamed at her in her defense she said it’s just a joke over and over again and i just roared at her “it’s not effing funny though is it?” nobodies had a “joke” with me since and she’s as quiet as a mouse now.

The trouble is people growing up with narcissistic parents have had limited “social training” so we don’t know how to behave around other people. My parents limited my contact with other people and my peers so socially i have not developed at all. This causes a problem when we behave around other people if you hadn’t of had your upbringing you might of nipped it in the bud when the workplace bullying started so they would of sniffed out somebody else. I sit and tolerate things for a very long time then just explode. The only thing i’v learned so far is how to keep my explosions clean. a year ago id of cried and not been able to say anything now i can express what i need to say when things have gone too far another few years I might be able to stop it all together!

Iv moved past hurting over the DV now and this is my focus however my mum hacked my email yesterday cancelled holidays and lunch dates then called me crying and apologising saying she thought i was back with my abusive ex so thought she needed to basically cancel my life. This has put a heavy dark cloud over the last day iv not been coping well today at all.

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Iv done the dating thing i just cannot allow myself to have feelings anymore it’s a natural thing in me. This guy wasn’t supposed to be anything but the way he waited about to find out who i was the more i let myself feel for him! it was not good. It’s been a few years single now i’m not lonely i’m not bored infact im still enjoying being free from the abusive ex! i don’t know if i’ll ever get over being able to be so free as i was so restricted with him. and i certainly will never move anyone in my home ever again unless they have proven themselves to be very special.

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I ended it last night. I went away for the weekend i drank and went to the casino he asked me how my weekend was and what did i do? I told him and now I have a drinking problem and a gambling problem according to him then when i said “look i was having a weekend away” he went all “you’re an adult you don’t need to explain yourself to me” so iv told him it’s done!

Yes i do worry i will push away any good guy “just in case of abuse” I’v kinda come to terms with the fact i am me and solely ME never to be a we again because i just don’t have the energy to put into another relationship! There will always be a red flag that will pop up with any guy to me.

This man was different to any other he thought more like a woman analysed and tried to figure people out every conversation would be later scrutinized and picked to pieces when he was alone. I know this because I’v seen him do this with other people not to throw it back at them as an insult but to analyse the situation. This is exactly what he was doing with my “what happened today stories” and I guess i put his weirdness down to this.

The guy was apparently “reformed” an ex heroine addict and spent allot of his life in prison but was supposed to now be making a real go at life although the reason i met up with him was because he was in bad shape physically because he’d (Detail removed by Moderator) (apparently after taking no drugs) but then he never really admitted what happened i’v just had to put the pieces together.

Thankyou ladies x

[bubbles]

Hello ladies

Thank you for your time and responses.

I met this guy some time ago and I kinda thought “your abusive” I went to go s e him as he was a friend in need at the time and I was helping him through his personal issues. He does talk about himself allot and his past but until we started seeing each other regularly did he start discussing deep personal things. I barely knew a thing about him or his personal life beforehand!

Mainly I asked this because I cannot and will not waste any more of my time on an abusive relationship and since there were so many strange things about this guy he peaked my worries.

See it’s how an abusive relationship is in the way of if he actually turns out to be the guy I think he is, now, in the beginning this could turn out to be a very rewarding relation ship. Which is what you could say about an abuser.

It’s a very scary concept for someone like me as you’ll all understand to get involved with someone again I always swore I never would after what happened. I needed a perspective from other survivors.

My best friend doesn’t dislike him just says she want to set me up with a good guy one that is more stable in life and says I can do much better.

I think I need to back off and get to know him specially after hearing what you all have to say.

Thank you x

[bubbles]

Hi Anabela
Years out of my terrible relationship i still love and miss him. He still stalks me and i could have him back today if I chose that. However, once you leave and develop your own life you have a different outlook. I had therapy and learned the normal way to be tret in life.

It’s not easy, infact it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do. NC seems a horrible thought at the minute the first few days will be very long. You will realise each second as it passes and it will hurt. But as the days go on you do become stronger as much as that thought seems impossible from where you are now it does happen!

I made the decision because i looked at my life as a whole, you only get one life, and i was not living the life i chose for myself. I’d given him many chances and he’d refused to change (or agreed to it at first but it lasted no more than a day or two). Like i said before i could go back but i don’t want to live that way. My life may be lonely but iv developed a few good friendships and there’s a man in my life now although we have both decided to take things very very slow. I know when it’s a positive relationship with any person, Man or friend, because their reactions shock me i don’t expect people to behave so kindly or so maturely to situations.

Also i wouldn’t exactly say i was lonely. Alone time is not so scary asmuch as it is a gift to process, heal and find yourself. I enjoy being alone allot of the time it heals me.

also you mentioned you hadn’t fallen pregnant yet……. if you did are you willing to be a single parent with constant court battles? him using the kids to get to you? and if you stay and things do get physical which they may as the relationship gets further social services will constantly intervene and things don’t work well for the mother who doesn’t leave the abuser.
x

[bubbles]

Thankyou ladies. Relocation is a difficult one for ne I don’t want to uproot the kids again its not fair on them moving school etc plus he’ll only find me again.
I keep the notes until I get 4/5 the take them to the police its too time consuming to take them each time I get one. I have a restraining order on him already however he cant be found. I know where he drinks but the police are reluctant to get him from there. Iv reported him for driving wothout a licence most times drunk just so they’ll pick him up but they don’t seem to do anything about that either. I don’t see the issue as dangerous as it stands its only when I want to move on I think he’ll become violent. These men never let up do they? X

[bubbles]

Its the mind set you’re in at the time. “what do they know we’re different” you believe they love you, don’t. You believe the sincerity of their offers to change, they wont. The mind manipulation of the abuser is the most dangerous part of the abuse and the most hurtful in my eyes. If a man walked up to you and hit you on the street and hurled verbal abuse at you what would you do? Say its ok and carry on doing what you were doing? No you’d see him as a monster that’s unsafe to be in public. The guy on the street hasn’t had the time to manipulate you.

I look back now on my past and cringe at how stupid I was but that’s unkind to me you shouldn’t think less of yourself for not seeing. Unfortunately thousands of others have fallen for their trap and thought exactly the same as you when the police notes came through the door or someone pointed out what was going on. You’re not alone with what you’re thinking be kinder to yourself. When I look back and cringe I think about what I would’ve said to past me and comfort myself its like looking at your inner child x

[bubbles]

Thankyou

Iv managed to see him and my mother and i asked her about why she’d done what she had done. She said there was nothing to tell us (only the fact he’d had a stroke). Doesn’t excuse the fact she was swanning about and not visiting him either!!

It would be nice to see my sister pull away and maybe a major life event would do that! She’s extremely selfish and treats very few people with any respect but she has no independence whatsoever all most likely due to her upbringing. Its sad and just shows me which out of the scapegoat and goldenchild has the better life in the end!

I will do that next time and call directly it’s the difficult part the divide and conquer of the narc parent i don’t believe i have any rights or importance in a family members lives. sad really x

[bubbles]

Hi
Welcome to the forum. It’s hard to leave for good and we have all been there going back and forth. I hope this forum gives you support and strength you need to break free.

Good luck x

[bubbles]

Hi serenity

There’s no child contact as he is deemed unfit to see my kids by social services I am very lucky in that respect 😀 . He used to go see them on their birthdays but even that’s dropped off over the last couple of years as he will “come when he can be bothered” (his words). Now they are getting older they would rather eat paste than see him.

We had a cash payment before that was also from her pocket well that’s what I was told but he gave it to me (guilt tactic maybe, you’re taking it from her?) didn’t last long. The week before christmas he cut it when I asked him where my money was he said they were going through a tough time so went out drinking and she left her purse in the taxi. They didn’t have a penny over xmas so needed my money they had safely stored at home! Then he went on to say “and you’re not the type of person that would want to see her kids go without at christmas are you?” PFFFFT

It would last a month if that he’d say he didn’t like how I was spending the money or something cropped up and they couldn’t pay! I just know CSA give an option now of how to pay and he doesn’t need to have that type of influence over my life. If he chooses the direct pay if he can’t do the card thing he’ll default pretty soon and I can get them to take the payments.

I thought CSA must have contacted him already for him to make the offer which was fast but I got a welcome letter today so I don’t think they have unless he thinks I will pop it on the court forms for the divorce and he’s worried what I will demand.

I’d rather accept the base rate and know it’s coming than take 100s and get it cut when i’m expecting it. Plus through CSA I don’t have to deal with him anymore it’s like pulling teeth!

He always said to me like yours I won’t give a penny because I don’t want you sitting pretty I want you to suffer for leaving. In truth I feel guilty claiming like I have no right because I don’t even see the kids as his anymore! Just reading the reviews on the card and it doesn’t look good x

[bubbles]

Thankyou I couldn’t agree more! I also think I am happier because of what happened to me. It takes someone who had been in a deprived situation to be ecstatic because they have food in the fridge and freedom! If it wasn’t for this the little things in life wouldn’t get me excited and make me smile!

[bubbles]

Hi KIP
I didn’t know that thanks for the answer!

I’m concerned what he would do too. He asked me to put money in the account too so he can see what is being spent on the kids as a whole which he can control, close down and withdraw as he pleases. He says he needs to make sure his money is being spent on the kids which annoys me greatly as I would never see my children without and their extra classes alone cost more than what they’re offering! Plus the fact I solely have funded the kids pretty much since we broke up.

The nerve of the whole thing has left me a little annoyed TBH I’m just curious as to what CSA will come back with now as I know nothing about him like where he works or if he works. The whole thing screams control freak and there’s usually a backlash when he doesn’t get his way!

[bubbles]

Thankyou KIP

Yes Ayanna I too was more struck with rage and anger to the point where I would black out I was so angry about what he’d done to me. As I got help for things I calmed down allot now I spend allot of time alone evaluating things when I’m in a bad situation I step back and evaluate it instead of just seeing red. Unless you can vent that anger its horrible to be stuck with it.

I think everyone feels the same pain but peoples perception of strength is based on how the person deals with it. Iv been feeling very down lately suicidal even i think it’s the weather but I have never shown I feel that way to anyone. Iv woken up this morning after a good nights sleep and I have the no more head on. Today i’m determined to get myself back on track no more moping I’v got tonnes of work to be doing so yesterday I was so weak and a mess but today i’m the total opposite and that’s just how I work.

I use the other forums because I can be personal on there where as on here it’s very restricted which suits most but since my main abuser has never used the internet in his life I have no worry about being found the internet’s probably the safest place for me.

The course sounds good I might see if there’s any in my area too. x

[bubbles]

I read the book daughters of narcissistic mothers that was very useful!

We don’t see it’s wrong at the time, when something bizarre and wrong happens they have the rest of the family to back them up! Even now in arguments with her i tell my story to my friends and they are gobsmacked where as my sister and father will back my mum up. However if we didn’t have that opinion of our friends how would we know their behaviour was wrong? This is why i think my mother stopped me socialising as a child because there was a possibility i would speak!

The golden children come off allot worse than us. I am very good at anything that comes with looking after ourselves cooking, cleaning,DIY This is thanks to my upbringing i had to learn! I’d have furniture bought for me as a child and just given to me in the box if i wanted that set of draws i had to build it myself if i wanted that food i had to cook it myself. My sister unfortunately is a long way from seeing it and she still has the tough to come her behaviour toward myself can be disgusting sometimes to say the least. She’s very self absorbed and doesn’t care about anyone elses feelings.

(detail removed by moderator)

The thing about us as scapegoats we can see the wrong. All abuser are really to be pitied they live in their own torment. For the first 16 years of my life i spent my days locked in a room talking to a stuffed animal because i had nobody else and a good proportion of my adulthood has been taken by abusive relationships. However, my life will change and get better theirs wont!

The therapy is teaching me that we are tret this way because we allow it. The problem with parental abuse is we are brought up believing their way is the right way. Once iv started changing the way i behave the way they behave changes too! To become the reasonable adult in the situation and then they become the children. It does work but it’s keeping conscious of what i am doing or saying all the time that’s hard. Now when im with my mum and sister the positions have changed i am now the parent and they are the children to the point where they’ve been bickering and i’v had to sort it out like a mother would do with her kids!

I’m the opposite now i push my kids to be independent because that’s what i wanted i push them to believe they can do anything because thats what i wanted. Also going to uni shows them you can do this too! The contrast between me and my family is massive to the point where the kids notice my daughter picks up on some of the bullying towards me and falls inlign with it but it only takes a little reminder “in this family we love and respect each other so please don’t do that” and she’s back to her usual self! my son is quiet and observes and he has noticed my sisters behaviour is bad. x

[bubbles]

Thanks Anabela.

Be very aware his behaviour may be very different to what you expect when it comes to you walking away. Like other have said he may get violent. When I walked away from mine and before he went to prison I’d walk away for weeks at a time and go nc and hole up in my parents house. But I never thought he’d do what he did when I walked away! He turned pathetic, a crying mess following me everywhere still does to this day X years down the line. He’s not posing a threat to me he’s broken and cannot move on. years ago if you’d of told me this all would’ve happened and he’d behaved the way he has I’d never of believed you in a million years! He behaved like I was a burden to him like an anchor tying him down and never wanted to spend anytime with me unless he was abusing me.

So you’ve set your sights on something you want a family, but you know it won’t work with him so there’s your goal! Not all single parents to abusive men have a rough ride though I was in two bad relationships and have 2 children to the first one. He made a fuss at first but he’s now vanished and I couldn’t think of a better situation me and my little family are in! We are really happy although I do see tv programmes with “normal” families on and think that might of been nice.
But yeah you’ve set your sight on what you want now and yeah it might take leaving a few times before you go for good but each time you’ll just prepare yourself more for when it fully ends! You will see who really holds the power between you two and you’ll see how many ch more you mean to him than he’s made out.

Please be persistent though don’t feel ashamed to post if you’ve gone back you need support now and we’ve all been there! I don’t think iv come across one woman who left the first time for good.

Good luck x

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