Daff

[Daff]

Thanks everyone, I’ve had a lot of time to myself recently and I think I’ve kept myself busy to avoid dealing with it fully. Knowing that it’s OK to feel like this helps, all I’ve wanted to do today is cry. My mind is over thinking and it’s not in a good place at the moment.

[Daff]

I have a court order in place and it states school hoildays are 50/50. Everything is left until last minute with him and if I say no I have to explain myself, not even to him but the 3rd party whos involved. He’s even arguing with the kids about it. It’s unfair the kids can’t arrange anything with their friends because they are worried about upsetting him. Its all a mind game to them.

[Daff]

Thank you both for your kind words. I’ve been out for a long while now and while we have no direct contact he still seems to find ways to get around this through others. It affects the children and i cant stop it. Sometimes it hits we like a brick wall, and I feel like I should have stopped feeling like this. The flash backs had became less frequent but have started up again. I will contact the doctors this week.

[Daff]

Thank you. I haven’t been in it for a good while now. But things seemed to get on top of me that day. I just felt like I couldn’t cope that day and didn’t know how to carry on. I had been doing well, so a disagreement with someone took me to a place in my mind that I couldn’t deal with at that point. I’ve been taking things at a slower pace this week and trying to stay in a routine as i find this helps. I feel guilty then as well for making the people around me worry, trying to put on a smile but isn’t always possible.

[Daff]

My ex became obsessed with sex, everything was about it. When I said no it turned into I didn’t find him attractive, I must be getting it somewhere else. I felt like there was something wrong with me and did a lot of things that I was uncomfortable with. I did things for forgiveness, believing I was making his life miserable. He even told one of our children about an incident and it made them question whether or not everyone understands consent, if sex in marriage is a man’s rights. I’m starting to miss intimacy but don’t know if I could ever trust again.

[Daff]

Its the sexual stuff, that really affects me. Things I did to keep the peace, things I did because I was making him so unhappy, things I did so he would forgive me. The silliest of things take me back and I forget how far I have come. I need to find the corner to take instead of going a round and around in circles.

[Daff]

I have been able to manage dealing with it until yesterday but the things hes accusing me of now are life changing and in no way have anything to do with me. I was in contact with someone from womans aid but haven’t heard from them for a while. I have tried to message them but with no answer back. Feeling alone and scared and dont know anymore how to carry on

[Daff]

Do they stop you feeling happiness, I lost myself during the relationship and want to find out which I am. I’m afraid that it would stop me from learning about me.

[Daff]

A decent night sleep sounds good. I didn’t want to take them but after the panic attack I feel like I need something. I’m just so worried about the side affects and feeling spaced out. I look after the children by myself and need to be able to do things with and for them. I just want to try and move forward.

[Daff]

I eventually went for testing today, it took me a while to pluck up the courage and to get an appointment. But it’s done it’s just waiting game now for results. Thank all for your kind words

[Daff]

Hi not sure I’ve been out as long as you, but I can be having a good day then I receive a solicitor letter and I’m taken back to everything. I can’t think what the method is called but I look for 5 things I can see, 4 things I can hear and 3 things I can touch. It grounds me, reminds that I am safe. I hope you feel better soon

[Daff]

Thanks for your reply, I’m just so used to being busy. I’ve started looking into things to help me. I thought I would start feeling different/better straight away but I guess it’s about finding who you are as a person is well. I lost me somewhere along the lines and I’m finding that difficult.

[Daff]

Hi I changed my number as soon as I left partly due to needing a new contract but he had other ways to contact me so I said to use them instead of giving my number out. I’ve had messages from him and his girlfriend plus her family members and the police told me to block them all. I tried to work with him for the children but there are safeguarding issues with him and his girlfriend. Hes not the person I thought he was especially when it comes to children. Our break up was very calculated and manipulated to ensure that I was seen like the bad person by every one we both know. ive come to realise it’s his way of still having a hold over my life but its still difficult and to see a time when I can fully move forward.

[Daff]

I never usually do but struggling to get an appointment with the doctors. I have googled the sexual health clinic and I will phone tomorrow and will see if they are running with all services available. Thank you for your reply

[Daff]

I agree they will never change, he moved on pretty quickly and if you listen to anyone who has seen him with his new partner they say how good he is to her. He likes people to see that he is someone who will do anything for anyone but in reality it’s all a front. I think this was another reason I thought it must be me, I’m starting to learn what the signs are now and have found some of them really surprising. Something such as them calling you love etc is away of taking your name away from you, your name is such a big part of your identity but its something as simple as that which can start to take a part of you away.its taking time to find out who I am again and I’m lucky to have the family I do, everything from emotional support to helping me financially when I neededtoget backon my feet. I don’t think I will ever tell them everything but they just ensure that I know they are there whenever I need them and I’m getting support from different agencies. I hate the fact that I feel sometimes that I’ve wasted so much of my life but I can’t change that now and can only hope I make the right decisions for me in the future. This site is full of strong females and its horrible to think that so many have gone through it, but it makes you feel that you can do it when you dont feel alone in what life has thrown your way. Sending hugs back your way

[Daff]

Over the years my ex had affairs which I believed him when he said the rumours weren’t true. He also talked to women online, when I said anything about it I would be told to get over myself it meant nothing or if I was giving him what he needed it wouldn’t be happening. When I started to stand up for myself he became violent,acted like I should give him sex on demand. I believed it for a long time it was my fault and I was mentally unstable. When he realized I wasn’t taking it, he moved onto someone new and started telling people I had been abusing him. He will never believe that things happened because of his actions. I shouted and pushed him when he was drunk and that’s the only thing that’s remembered. I dont understand why I didn’t see it before but hoping that I wont be there again. Learning who I am again is hard but that’s what I need to do at the moment

[Daff]

It wasnt until I stood up for myself that things become violent sexual, he left me. I think that may because I did stand up to him. Hes moved on very quickly and I wonder if hes playing th nice guy now he wants everyone to think hes amazing. Concentrate on yourself and moving forward. Talk to womans aid to get things put in place for your self, talking has helped me understand things more and see things I never would have noticed before.

[Daff]

Hi, my ex told me I was crazy and that everything that was ever wrong with our relationship was my fault. He would question me on things and say are you sure until i wasn’t. It wasnt until I wasnt in the relationship anymore that I was able to realise what had been happening and this lead to other things in the relationship.There has been times when I have felt I cant go on but looking at my childrens faces makes me smile. I have more bad days than good at the moment and at times feel guilty and maybe it was me. I think it’s so they are able to do what they want and dont think there should be any consequences for their actions, they want us to be at the point were we allow and dont question anything that they do or say. Hope your getting the help you need to move forward and feel better, his actions have got him were he is and not you. Need to start thinking that myself

[Daff]

I haven’t had contact with him for a while now and since hes got a new partner he seems to be concentrated on making people think hes the most wonderful person in the world. I would hear if anyone come onto the property because of a gate etc. There was no one there but I just couldn’t get the feeling out of my mind, I just felt scared. My eldest said she woke to me screaming the other night but I don’t remember a thing. Something has triggered something and I dont know what. I use the app calm and find it helps me drop off but its staying asleep is the problem. I want to try yoga so will look for something online. Thank you for your reply, some times I just feel like I’m losing it.

[Daff]

I’m finding it hard to sleep and feel like I’m running on empty, I find myself trying to avoid thinking about it which clearly isn’t working. Hopefully this will help me get a place that I will feel stronger. I’m only at the beginning of this programme and I’m hoping to understand things more when its complete and when it started and the signs. It’s good to hear that it has helped women and is continuing to do so

[Daff]

Its online at the moment.i felt a little out of place like I was intruding. I lost all my friends and he become sexually abusive later on in the relationship but I can’t put my finger on why I stopped going out with friends, I know he would always think I had done something with other men but I xant rememberwhenit started. But I don’t know what he said or did was it in my head. I’m lost and don’t know what to think anymore.

[Daff]

I’m having this problem as well. It only come to light a few weeks ago as I dont have contact with anyone from when I was with him and at the moment theres no contact between us because theres no contact with my children. A person just started randomly telling me about it. I knew he had spoke to the school. I don’t have a understanding of why they cant just leave us alone. I hope your feeling better, I seem to go through waves of feelings about it.

[Daff]

In the top right corner is a person click on there then onto forums. I think that’s how it works. X

[Daff]

Hi I have had these, it has felt like that my heart was beating in my throat. It happens more when i start remembering things or if something has triggered me. I was given breathing exercises to do not only it’s happening but to practice when ever I can. It has helped me calm and realise I’m safe, I have left so understand it may be different for you, but might be worth a try. Definitely talk to the doctor, I hope your feeling ok now

[Daff]

Hi thanks for the reply, I think I’m not going to say anything.its been so much calmer not having contact, trying to concentrate on me and the kids but second guessing things. It’s just nice to have a little advice from someone who understands

[Daff]

Hi I’m going through the same thing at the moment, by everyone I feel like I’m being told by everyone theres no point trying to prove it because I didn’t go to the doctors etc to get help. Hes going around playing the victim and I feel like I’m hitting a brick wall constantly. I don’t know if theres anyway to prove it but all we can do is keep on trying and hope they see them for what truly are. We need to do it for the children because if dont who will.

[Daff]

Thank you x.
I have found out my ex has done this as well. Its like its never ending. I just want to be left alone and don’t think I can cope with much more. I know there’s people out there who are believing him. how do you move on when they wont let you.

[Daff]

I was anxious all the time worried about what i was going home to. If he’d had a bad day it would be my fault something i had said or done, or even being told something reminded him of something that happened with me years ago. I would always be thinking what can i do different to make sure that his day was good. I asked every single day how was his day going but never got asked once. Its hard to understand why i couldn’t see what was going on but he would manipulate things so i would question things. In the end he didn’t even have to say anything i would automatically believe it was my fault. I didn’t even realise what had been going on until i left, but i left because of him becoming abusive in a sexual way. It was like he knew he could control me mentally and was moving onto his next stage. Im trying to concentrate on the future now not the past and one step at a time. I do understand that its not my fault but at times the question still pops up in my head if i had done things differently would he have been different. Realistically i know the answer is no but sometimes it doesn’t seem that simple

[Daff]

Some days all i want to do is cry. Since not being with him he seemed to take it out on my eldest. Stepping out of the relationship i can see the control he had. We have to give ourselves time, sometimes i believe if i had been better things would have been different. There are still things to sort out but im hoping i have the strength to get through it.

[Daff]

I can see the toll its taken on my parents, i hadnt intended on telling them but things happened and they knew there was more than i had told them. Since finding out the both haven’t been very well and im sure it has made them worse. They are hoping to do things in the future with the family and im hoping planning and doing stuff will help everyone concentrate on building new memories. Im hoping for a better future than past and thats what is keeping me going. Sending hugs hope your having a better day x

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