deathangel

[deathangel]

Byzantium, this sounds like my story. I stayed for (details removed by moderator) after we bought the house together. He had suffered “depression” (details removed by moderator) solidly at home from work in this time…yes, abusers do leave, but not usually straight away, not without a fight/struggle/a bit more push/pull. Mine threatened to leave, to sell the house several times when things did not go his way or he lost the plot, had enough, became angry at me, etc. The first threat to leave it all was just a few months after we signed the mortgage papers, etc.

I told him he had to go this time. And he has. He already has a new girlfriend (victim), though, this time, so he has had something to move onto and focus on…

Concentrate on you, your exit plan and stick to your guns. I waited far too long, scared of the unknown, when I should have acted and moved forward! Don’t let anything he says manipulate you, it is all lies and meant to hurt, manipulate, coerce and cajole you…do not be fooled.

[deathangel]

Thank you for the replies. I will get on and do what needs doing, so there is a “paper trail” beyond my counselling and the Freedom Project. I must remember to write a list, as in my head I have so much going on, I forget, little steps, one thing at a time and breathe….breathe…first time ever last week, after getting so angry with him before I told him to go, I had a panic attack, I had no idea what it was. I headed to the gym like I normally do and had to leave again without finishing my session as I could not breathe, my throat felt like it was closing over and I felt really nauseous…and was shaking terribly…the fresh air outside helped.

One day at a time…ugh!

[deathangel]

So I had a tag team of him and his mother on (date removed by moderator) putting me down, telling me I was making faces and asking why I got funny with something she said. I got funny because they were (him and his mother) running people down who were not even there. My opinions never count. They can moan, groan, be nasty and absolutely horrible about people, yet two of the most controlling people I know point fingers and project their own inadequacies and faults onto others. I pulled a face because I can see the hypocrisy. Funny how my partner thought his mothers’ hubby making a face and smiling knowingly about something horrible she was saying about someone last weekend was okay, yet when I do anything remotely similar to something that was deemed funny at one point, I get it in the neck. I might as well not breathe! I cannot just sit there and take any of the bull**** anymore. I just cannot stomach it, listen to it and pretend it is okay, because it jolly well is not and it is unhealthy for people to be so negative all the time and expect others just to take it and listen to it droning on and on and on.

How can people be so horrible like that most of the time? And why do people tell me to just ignore it. That is what I have done all this time and is the reason I am where I am today, just soaking it all up, not saying or doing anything, just ignoring the nastiness, just being the nice little under the thumb girlfriend who sits and looks pretty and does not say or do anything, because if she does, it is always the wrong thing. Oh yeah, I forgot I am opinionated and not allowed to be, yet everyone else can spout their opinions and I just have to sit and listen. No more!

[deathangel]

Thanks KIP.

I know I need to take the next step to phone  (detail removed by moderator)…but I am afraid…I am scared of the unknown. Scared of having to fight for what is rightfully mine. Scared of being worn down. I already am worn down. I am on the list for one to one counselling and other things. I have been doing all the necessary work for me to stay strong and have been told a few times now how strong I am. But I feel so weak, so stupid, so worthless and so alone. I feel lonely and inept. I have all the numbers for all the helplines and help sources. I have phoned a few of them. I now need to make the right move. He is on the list for a perpetrator course. Why am I waiting? Why am I still expecting things to still change? Why am I still waiting for him to do the right thing and just go away and leave us to live healthy and happy lives? Why am I still hoping, I don’t even feel any love anymore, and that is deadly serious. What is wrong with me?

Gah!

[deathangel]

Please go back and read your very first post oaktree and then come back and say you got it all wrong. I do not think you have (got it all wrong) reading over your previous posts. As others have mentioned try and see a counsellor who has specialized in abusive relationships/trauma. That will be the tell-all…hopefully…both me and my abusive partner attended [detail removed by moderator] months’ of weekly relationship counselling together. It did nothing to address the abuse, as it wouldn’t, relationship counselling is based on a relationship of equals. Nothing changed, he still does the same things he always has done and he will keep doing them, until he goes to a perpetrator group and even then that is no guarantee, as men like this rarely change.

I do not think you need to feel confusion. What you wrote in the first post was you doubting yourself due to being traumatised by someone emotionally and psychologically abusing you. That is how it came across. I do hope you get the help you need. I do think you need to see what he was doing as abuse, but only you can come to terms with that. Do not leave it [detail removed by moderator] years like I have. It really screws with your brain! I know you want to address your past issues and baggage, but clearly your boyfriend is not addressing his behaviour and taking responsibility for it. Anger, mood swings, mental health issues, alcohol, drugs do not cause abuse. Abuse is not an anger issue, it is abuse. Please go and read your very first post again. I have read it over twice and I can see what he has done to you clearly.

Unless of course, you just made it all up? That is an entirely different issue and I do not think you made any of it up, you sounded upset when you wrote it.

[deathangel]

Thank you for all the replies Bridget Jones Is Free, Cuppa and Mixedup. A place to vent safely is really appreciated!

My head is spinning again today because I brought up (stupid, stupid me) something I remembered we chatted about in Freedom Programme, in conversation to my partner. It was to do with the projection and how abusive men will accuse you of being a feminist, a militant feminist, a feminazi, a militant advocate of women’s rights (especially abused women) when you point out your rights, the fact that they are disrespecting you and encouraging your teen son to do the same. I feel I really need help with my son, he says exactly what my partner does, has the same reactions, treats me the same disrespectful way, says I love you when he wants to feel better and turns nasty when I ask him or remind him to do his chores…my partner said (he is so good at mind reading and predicting the future) that I was becoming a militant advocate for abused women a couple of months back now. I reminded him of this, [detail removed by moderator]. Too right! I will stand up for my rights and the rights of other women….he said it like it was some kind of bad thing. He is always putting me down. Oh yeah, obviously because he knows he is wrong and wants me to feel bad about doing the right thing again.

[deathangel]

Way to go KIP.

So happy for you. Stories like this give us hope. Thanks for posting it : )

[deathangel]

Thanks SunshineRainflower for the reply!

We are still together. Mainly because I have nowhere to go and I do not want to give up the house which we jointly own. I know his behaviour is affecting my son (beyond normal angsty teenage hormonal stuff) He has been physically intimidating towards him since the get go, pushing, prodding, embarrassing my son in a public place once when he was younger, making him feel small and worthless by his comments. I feel so guilty, but at the same time I should not have to be the one to leave, if it is my partner’s behaviour which is causing all the problems. Yeah, sounds belligerent, I know. I have asked him to leave. He refused. I have told him to leave. He refused. He says I should be the one to go. Nope. Not budging an inch. Then he says he loves me again. Same vicious cycle.

He just phoned me again, complaining that my daughter is not answering the phone to him or his texts. And? We also have lives, we also get busy (hmmm he chooses not to answer/ignore, not read my texts, so how on earth is this any different, oh yeah cos he is the almighty and we must jump and obey!)…phoning me just to rant, complain, have a go, nothing has changed. Same selfish behaviour. He thinks he has changed plenty. Says all the things that abusive men say (have read the Lundy Bancroft books) when they promise to change. Then puts it all back on me.

[deathangel]

It says it is about mind management. I am sure it would work for a normal non-abusive person. Abusive people have skewed thought processes, ideas and what-not, I don’t think that this book addresses abusive THINKING. Which is what an abusive person has. I suppose in one way it shows he wants to change, but I do not think this will help with the abusive thinking and reactions. Unless there is a section in the book, specifically for that?

[deathangel]

This book will give him excuses and it will not change his abusive behaviour, as is evident by his blaming the chimp already. Another way for him to excuse hi behaviour is all this is and the cheek of it telling you that you need to read it cos “your chimp” is out of order. He knows that changing is too hard, so he is dragging you into his way of thinking. The chimp side of our brains (if such silliness actually exists) does not cause abusive behaviour. There are no excuses.

[deathangel]

Just had a phone call. Instead of collecting his medication on the way to work, he has left it (detail removed by Moderator). He has counselling (detail removed by Moderator). He did not realise until now. So he is trying to get one of us to collect his prescriptions for him. My daughter who hates his guts, is not answering the phone to him, me (I do not have means to make my bike safe if I pick it up on the way home from work)…oh well he says….trying to make US feel bad because he did not get his medication sorted out before it ran out, etc AGAIN, this is about the fourth time he has done this and the last time I ran around for him while he was out with friends (detail removed by Moderator)(yeah I had to collect his stuff while he was out hahahahaha!), was defo the last time I will help him out with his irresponsible ways. AGAIN! Unbelieveable. I do not feel guilty because he has a right go and rant at his son and my son and other people who leave things until the last minute, yet he does it all the time. So annoying. Does stupid things, panics and makes a mess. Well he needs to be more responsible and to grow up. So now he has to cancel his counselling session (for his mental health) so he can collect his prescriptions. And that is our fault, my fault. Him not remembering to order it on time, in the first place, is not the issue, though is it? Nope! I am not helping him when he gets in a mess anymore.

[deathangel]

No, he won’t change. I am still with my partner. All the groups I go to and even in here I feel like the odd one out. How many more verbal/emotional/mental beatings will I take before I just call it quits? Ha! No he will not change. Saying sorry is nothing. It is just a word, a word that abusers do not usually mean and if they do and are remorseful, it does not last for long. The nice phase will wear thin, it will all be too much to put on the same face he gives to others at work, at his friends’ places, out socialising, with his family. That face is not the face he wears with you. Not for long. I have been with my abuser for too many years (decade). He says sorry, says he is going to change, says he will never do or say those things again. But he keeps doing and saying those very things. He never stops, he never changes. Oh he will for a few weeks, maybe, if you are lucky. But it is too hard. Too hard to put others first, have to think of others’ feelings. Listen to others. Acknowledge the damage he has done and is still doing by not changing. Too hard to keep the promises (he keeps breaking those, he cannot stay constant, reliable or within normal perameters) He does not change, not because he cannot, but because he chooses not to. It is easier to keep the abusive mindset than it is to face reality and deal with it head on. It is easier to coerce, to manipulate and to cheat, lie, steal and do all those dishonest and hurtful things than it is to look in the mirror, point at himself and do something about it all. It is easier to blame everyone else, outside things, you. It is easier to not face himself and his abuse. It is easier to deny, minimise, degrade and belittle than it is to admit he is a bully.

No, very few abusive men change. Abuse is also rampant. I just want me and my kids to have a normal life. It is all so messed up!

[deathangel]

Yes, me too. Felt like I was part of the problem. Felt I was contributing to the “misunderstandings”. Was told I was a nag because I had to remind him to do stuff he forgot about constantly. Felt like a failure for not trying hard enough. Long enough. A decade is plently long enough! Felt I was a failure because my previous long term relationship (married the father of my eldest) failed also. I felt broken, so blamed myself a lot. Even though I had a full (removed by moderator) year break from relationships and men after I was divorced. Felt guilty because my children have seen and heard it all and I have put them through this.

I know I am not a failure. It was not about mis-communication. It is all about his thought processes, his thinking, his mind-set, his ideals, his attitudes and values. His need to control and disrespect me at every turn. Nothing to do with me.

[deathangel]

Well, from experience, it was not just the once with me. I don’t think it ever is. He lied about most things big and small. And was a constant let down from very early on in the relationship (being very late or not even turning up sometimes, promising to do something and it never materialising, etc) Compulsive lying, supposed memory issues (blame it on the short term memory) and irresponsibility as well as unrealiability seem to be common traits with abusers/perpetrators.

[deathangel]

Wow, Blueberry! I am just nodding and clapping. You have said almost everything I have thought at one time or another. Thank you for posting this : )

[deathangel]

p.s. I would recommend one on one counselling for yourself and how you can improve your self-esteem and your own mental health, etc. Apologies for being so vociferous, but couples counselling is not recommended for relationships where abuse is happening, it just does not work.

[deathangel]

No, no and no again. Been there and done that. Been to Relate. Completed (detail removed by moderator) months’ of pretty expensive weekly “couples work” sessions. Relationship counselling works on a relationship of equals. Both parties being responsible for their own stuff. Abusiveness and abuse is not a relationship of equals, it is a relationship of one up manship and control by one of the parties. It will not work, I promise. It did not work for us or for me. I did get to vent in relative safety (though you might find he may take all the stuff ou on you when you get back home) All that was addressed was his mental health, in fact most of the time spent was on how well he was doing on his new meds and his mental health. Which was extremely frustrating and not why I went there. We were not communicating any better and he was still behaving in the same ways he always had. He would come home and say how we (the counsellor and I) were ganging up on him and he felt picked on. Also the counsellor told him after our separate sessions, which were the first two sessions we had, that I wanted to leave the relationship (even though I was only discussing an exit strategy if the worst came to the worst). Luckily he did not do what most abusive men do and flip and totally go ballistic on my butt. He was shocked. He could not believe I was planning to leave, etc. This really freaked me out, as I thought safety was paramount in/to all situations. The counsellor obviously did not take safety into account despite me describing abuse, intimidation and verbal cruelty in great detail. Never would other organisations (I would hope they wouldn’t) discuss the abused partner’s exit plans or thoughts to the abuser.

Unless he has been to a perpetrator/abuser group and worked on his issues and changed totally for the better (which is said to take many many years) then couples counselling will not work. He will find some way to make it all about him and try to make you accountable in some way for his abuse and behaviour.

Just no!

[deathangel]

As usual Serenity has nailed it!

I also thought my relationship trouble was all about misunderstandings and miscommunication. It might have been in a non-abusive relationship of equals. What you are talking about is abuse. If he cannot listen to what you have to say, whether positive or negative, then he is ignoring your feelings. This is what abusers cannot get a handle on. Our feelings, it is all about them, their feelings and their control. It is a myth to believe that he has poor communication skills. Does he not talk to others and debate even, without becoming aggressive and abusive? Basically he is unwilling to resolve conflicts in a non-abusive way. He is not unable, he just does not want to, he actively chooses not to, with regards to you. I bet he has long, drawn out conversations with many other people, but when it somes to you, BAM, nothing, nada, not happening. This used to upset me, how come he can talk for hours to his cousin, nephew, work colleague, work client, yet when it comes to me specifically, he cannot and will not? He chooses not to engage with me. He chooses to blame the fact that he is upset on me, because I draw attention to something he did that really hurt me, so I am to blame for him being angry and not wanting to talk. It is crazy-making stuff. I started to think I was the most useless communicator ever, until I thought of all my other relationships with family and friends. Nope, not me at all. An abusive man refuses to communicate normally with us because it keeps us unbalanced, uneasy. Under his control. He has a problem with our anger. We are not allowed to be angry.

[deathangel]

Thanks for your reply AppleNinja.

There are so many emotions swirling around in me at the moment. The biggest one is sadness. An overwhelming sadness that is heavy and tired. I feel leaden. I was reading through something I noted from one of the many self-help books I have recently binged on.

Establish healthy personal boundaries. What are you no longer willing to tolerate? Make your boundaries firm and clear. Boundaries are limits on what you’ll accept from others.

Having weapons in our house is not acceptable, it never was, but I brushed it aside, just as he did and is still doing. He does not like/accept my boundaries. He never has. Get a grip? No, I do not need to get a grip, this is not acceptable. He needs to get a grip. He is fine? No he is not fine pushing what I will and will not tolerate aside yet again. I am fine…no, no I am not fine. I am very angry. That he thinks this is okay. That he thinks keeping loads of weapons in the house is okay.

I have a right to expect a certain level of respect and consideration from others. Yes I do. And this is something he has never done. Not consistently. Not for very long.

[deathangel]

p.s. I did not threaten to grass on him, he came to this conclusion on his own.

[deathangel]

Lightning-Jet I am where you are now. AGAIN. I have been here a few times, but today my mind is veering more towards the leave than stay. I feel for you and with you. I wish I had not made all the wrong decisions earlier on. I wish I would have stayed away and not had him back all that time ago…

[deathangel]

Oops! I am the one in our relationship who does not like bleach very much. Still use it occasionally, but my lungs go ballistic when I use really harsh cleaning products.

Anywho…I always joke about the Homer Simpson-esque arse shaped groove in the sofa where he sits like a king or prince for hours and hours on end in front of his laptop screen or mobile telephone. And complains about this that and the other not being done around the house, working himslef up into a frenzy and usually exploding all over me. And there’s me doing most of it daily without a word/complaint and still being called lazy. Man if I could add up the list of things that I do every day that are taken for granted…

[deathangel]

Hey Blueberry!

This (what you have written in your post) is why I am so afraid (wrong word I know, maybe unmotivated is better?) to leave, let go, because I know the dealing with the fallout is going to be massive (financial, familial suffering, starting from scratch). It feels like I would rather sit in the fire which wafts and wanes, gets really hot and burns me often than jump away from it (and take my beautiful children with me), out of it and tend to the burns, the singed hair, the confused mental state, cos look I have been sitting in a really dangerous place for all this time, I am free now, shoot, what do I do now?! And am I addicted to the bad behaviours, is that why I cannot let go and leave? Am I so used to being hurt, that without all the chaos, life will seem meagre? Gah!

[deathangel]

Thank you Dragonfly for putting into words what I have not been able to the past few months because I am so worn down. I am grateful for this place, even though I am a relative newbie. The lack of validation and empathy from others who do not see, hear, experience what we do.

Why did I put up with it?

Because I am a decant human being who wanted to make my relationship work. I had one failed marriage and really wanted to try everything to make this work.

Because there was hope between the episodes of control/coercion/abuse. There was the man we first met, acting the way non-abusive men act between the ugliness. Even a glimmer of hope is/was good enough! That song One Million Reasons by Lady Gaga keeps coming to mind lately.

Because I did not realise I deserve(d) better than this and there was/is better, this was/is not normal or within normal parameters of what loving relationships look like.

Because I thought I was partly to blame, the old “it takes two to tango” line always ran through my head. Plus I began to believe the blaming – bad mother, bad girlfried, picky, something wrong with me, etc.

Because I began to question myself and be very, very confused. I was like a deer in the headlights, whaaaaat? Am I the mad, bad, sad one?

Because I thought moving out, making a new start, having to start from scratch was way too hard. It feels way to hard at the moment in my mental state, to be frank. Besides I paid for half of everything if not more, why the hell should I move out?!

Because he promised to change, it was never, ever going to happen again. This was it. Oh but it did and it does. Just in less explosive ways for a bit.

Because I loved him. I am not sure I do now, in fact sometimes I dream of revenge and really, really hurting him. I don’t feel like I love him anymore, I feel numb.

I could ramble on and on, but these are some of the reasons and excuses as to why I put up with it.

[deathangel]

Blueberry this all sounds familiar.

Yet when we dare to get angry and it is usually justified, what happens then? They get angry because we are angry and upset. Our anger is too much for them to bear, but theirs is okay, they can flare up, be negative and sulk and do very bad things to hurt us.

I am not sure how I will function normally when and if I eventually do free myself from this (or he decides to actually DO something about his abusiveness)…I seem to be pre-empting things, expecting the worst. I do know that it feels wrong/uncomfortable and I am so irritable and tired.

[deathangel]

Thanks Confused123, I am booked onto a Freedom Programme (Project?) course locally and in (removed by moderator) I have some (closer by, the one that started earlier was too far for me to cycle after work) NHS sponsored mental health help. I am also thinking of one to one counselling (which he categorically said I could not pay for out of our joint bills account) soon. Looking for someone who deals with psychologically abused folks. Nothing else seems to have helped. I have been to the local depression group, I find group work tends to make me feel worse/lower and I cannot figure out exactly why. I have been on an art therapy course, which was the best feeling ever, discovering my creativity again (I got phone calls nearly every week I was there from guess who) I also did a day course on managing stress a couple of years ago. I was the one who suggested the relationship counselling for us, which did not sort out the abuse, obviously. It did help me vent safely and get some thoughts out, but primarily the sessions revovlved around him and his depression and what not. Yeah always me doing the footwork, trying to work on me. He had the cheek recently to ask, “Don’t you think you ought to find some help for yourself?” It took me all my strength not to effing pummel the man to a pulp!

[deathangel]

The fussy-ness about what he wants to eat gets to me, yet I see all the junk and other stuff he wolfs down other times and know my cooking is fine. He complains I burn things a lot. I do sometimes head off and totally forget that I have put food on (head all over the place syndrome anyone?) but I do not burn everything. I am capable of cooking restaurant standard food if needs be. Yes, lies and sometimes as someone else said, they praise it up (usually to other people), but at home they complain. Anything we are good at they seem to tear down and break in the process (self-esteem smashers)…all about control. All about making us question ourselves and our versions of reality.

I admit, the nice stuff I used to cook is less frequent as I just want to get out of the way and out of the kitchen. This is the place some of the worst stuff has happened.

[deathangel]

This is what bends the mind. One minute they say one thing (and it is possibly really negative)…then when they are what I call “lucid” or saying sorry (for outburst/abuse, or trying to make everything right) they say something totally different, in direct opposition to the first thing. Which thing do you believe? Head-twisting and when you try and explain that everything is so confusing and you do not and cannot trust them, this is another thing that is used against you. It’s all just so awful. I agree, it is the long-term lies about the smallest and the biggest things that need to be remembered/noted. And the excuses as to why they are/were dishonest are equally pitiful. The favourite “you made me lie by asking so many questions and not trusting me!” WHAT?!

[deathangel]

Wow, Serenity, excellent post and thank you. Yep, this to a t!

They say they love people, but then are so very cruel, how does that even compute?

[deathangel]

This is what stresses me out the most. The financial ties that I now have to my partner (we never married and there is no way I am ever getting married again to anyone, in any case), via mortgage, huge loan for home improvements (on his suggestion, cos you know buying a house and doing it up will fix all the crud that he has done, it will make him happy and he will no longer be depressed. Yeah right!) I still feel that moving in with him was the second biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. Cannot change it though. I can so empathise with women that are lied to (oh the I only earn such and such statements, but when you see their payslips and see the “secret” savings account bank statements, they have been lying to you for a very long time), they have answers when they challenge you after accusing you of spying on them, going through their stuff (neither is true, I saw all this stuff when he asked me to find his daughter’s birth certificate in his paperwork folder, yeah me finding stuff for him yet again!), passive aggressively accusing us of being untrustworthy when hey dudes, there are three fingers pointed in your direction when you point at us. Making us pay for things directly and indirectly (oh the I am skint again excuse). I had to fork out £500 of my own money for our cat when it was sick because we have no insurance and this particular thing would not have been covered anyway. Yet he buys me “presents” from our joint bills account (I have a separate account for my own money that I earn, not all of it is joint). Fills the car he bought on a loan he got from our joint bills account, pays for this car to be fixed from aforementioned account. So very unequal. So very unfair. If I sit down and really think hard and analyse how much he owes me, sheesh…the time his children stayed with me for six months while he found a property for them to live in. Who got the child benefit and the child tax credits. Ha! Not me….

Gah!

[Author]

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