EbonyRaven

[EbonyRaven]

Hi. Well done for getting out. I can totally understand where you are coming from regarding the texting etc. It’s difficult to guess isn’t it? If you have time during the day maybe you could text someone with a message such as “I have to go into town/the shops/whatever. If you’re about do you fancy a cake and a cuppa? I’ll probably stop for one at about 1.30pm (for example), but am flexible on that.”

Something light and non-committal like that maybe. If they are busy and can’t make it don’t be disheartened though.

Or, if you are planning to buy a new dress/kitchen appliance, you could say this and that you’d really like their opinion if they’re available to come with you or meet. Then say, we could get coffee/tea at that lovely cafe afterward if you have time.

Give yourself time. It sounds as if people at work are happy to welcome you as a friend.

[EbonyRaven]

Before you diagnose yourself with depression; make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by a**h**es.

[EbonyRaven]

We were out at the pub, so it must have been early days because that stopped after a while because he’d accuse me of having affairs with any man I spoke to there. Anyway, pub…he was relating a story of something that had happened, and he embroidered it, also subtly altering it and leaving his part out, to make me look stupid. He brushed off my attempts to interject with the reality.

When I confronted him later about it, he said I was overreacting, and he’d only told a funny story but it had been me that had done the stupid thing. After a very circular conversation he then said he was sorry I didn’t want to admit to what I’d done and would rather call him a liar.

Got the silent treatment for a couple of hours and was then coerced into ‘make up’ sex, which I really, really wasn’t in the mood for.

Ah distance and cold logic. In the eye of the storm all you see is the storm.

[EbonyRaven]

Hope everything went well today. xxx

[EbonyRaven]

Try giving Rights of Women a call, they should be able to help with the phrasing.

It could help to put it in a way that sort of explains. For example: My partner devalues me often by invalidating my thoughts and memories of events. He does this by attempting to explain that his actions were not voluntary or chosen, and that they were due to substance abuse for example. My partner does not act toward any other person in this way whilst under the influence, however tries to persuade me that my recollection of events is incorrect, and that he had no responsibility for them.

[EbonyRaven]

We do care. I totally understand how it can feel like there’s no-one out there for you. After an initial flurry of activity from the police etc. you hear nothing from anyone for ages.

Have you spoken to the student’s union? They may be able to advocate for you.

Please keep posting. We are hear for you through this. You can get through it and come out the other side.

x

[EbonyRaven]

They can’t handle being alone with themselves. They need someone around to absorb their awfulness.

[EbonyRaven]

Apparently she cheated with his best friend. They were very young and I can imagine how awful she must have been feeling.

[EbonyRaven]

If he hadn’t behaved in the way that has brought you to this, you wouldn’t have to be making this choice. You don’t have to feel guilty for his behaviours, give them back to him. He caused this.

You do not have to carry his burdens.

[EbonyRaven]

Police bail only lasts a certain amount of time. Try contacting your local domestic violence unit on 101 to find out if he is still under the bail conditions.

[EbonyRaven]

That’s brilliant. Well done you. xx

[EbonyRaven]

Showing complete disinterest in anything you have to say. For example telling you to hurry up, or get on with it. Eye rolling, scrolling through their ‘phone when you’re speaking.
Interrupting you to change the subject to something about themselves, or waiting for a pause and then changing it.

Lots of passive-aggressive behaviours. Pretending they are into something you like, or want to do then ‘forgetting’ and just brushing it off as not having been important anyway. They’re often very smug about things.

Everything was an insult or criticism of them, and they were a martyr at all times. He was a master of turning something ordinary I’d said around and saying I’d ridiculed him.

They had very few real friends and were nice to people’s face then talked horribly about them behind their backs. They also thought they were so much better than everyone else. In his case more intelligent, but they can choose all sorts of characteristics to feel inwardly superior about. He never did anything that could be deemed to be reaching out and had no hobbies, no social interaction beyond what I instigated.

Any compliments were back handed in a very subtle way, leaving me confused as to whether I’d actually been complimented or criticised. He would seek reassurance that he was clever or special all the time too. He would say he was a victim of my behaviour, that I didn’t give him enough love or reassurance, enough physical cuddling, and that I took my bad days at work out on him and caused him stress. Anything to make me feel small and as if I had to raise him up. He used lots of shaming, mentioning things he knew I was sensitive about often and throwing them into a bad light. Anything to make me feel small.

He questioned everything I said. Shaking my confidence and belief in myself because he seemed so confident that his way, his knowledge was the right one, and mine was not. Somehow, even with evidence he’d make me feel I could be wrong.

If he gave me anything it would usually be in front of others, so they could see his generosity. He’d big me up in public too, as a way of having people look at him as a nice person, or to make them admire him. It was never about me. He’d always find a subtle way to knock that pedestal over in my ear afterward.

Those are some of the behaviours.

[EbonyRaven]

Hi. I can well imagine that you must feel so tense about his silence. They are like snakes hiding in the grass aren’t they. It feels like the most dangerous times are when we can’t see them.

I’m guessing that whilst he was in the first ‘lovebombing’ stage with the new victim he needed someone to abuse to keep that part of himself appeased, and so you got all that. Now, maybe he’s onto the next stage of devaluing her, so he’s getting that need filled.

I hope he leaves you be now, and that’s the end of it for you.

[EbonyRaven]

Hi Rainbowdrop. Yes that’s abuse. He’s trying to make you at fault and using something terrible that happened to you to justify it. It’s a form of manipulation, and a vile one. He knows you are vulnerable about that, and knows that it is confusing and hurtful to use it against you. It is a way for him to unload any responsibility for his own terrible behaviour onto you. He blames you and then tells you it is because of what happened to you in the past, thereby giving you nowhere to turn.

Hearing about this sort of manipulation makes me so angry. How dare they take something so traumatic, so painful to us, and use it to bend and break us all over again.

[EbonyRaven]

Thank you for that. Excellent talk. The site signed me out for non-activity just before the end. so anyone else intending to watch (if it is left on by the mods) might want to do it on the original site.

I can’t post it on my fb (detail removed by moderator) so I don’t want to be seen as being inflammatory. It’s very validating though.

[EbonyRaven]

So pleased at your news. Now you can focus on you. Allow yourself time for that. x

[EbonyRaven]

That sounds wonderful, I’m so pleased for you, and very well done on your persistence. xx

[EbonyRaven]

You’ll get there. It’s so very difficult that sometimes we really have to work ourselves up to it.

If he’s already hassled your family before then they will understand. They can block him too, and I’m sure they’d support you. Don’t let being embarrassed keep you there; I was so very surprised by how supportive and lovely people have been in my area once they knew the truth.

A time comes where you can feel pride in having removed yourself and your children from the abuse.

x

[EbonyRaven]

Great news. Treat yourself for certain.

[EbonyRaven]

I asked my doctor to refer me for counselling/therapy. They referred me and the counselling service referred me to a local agency that runs the Freedom Programme and counselling. There I was allocated a support worker.

I understand that you can also self refer by contacting them.

[EbonyRaven]

That puts it so well, and really clearly.

[EbonyRaven]

You are doing your best in an extremely difficult situation Minimrs. Don’t beat yourself up about it, you were in the midst of confusion and that’s a terrible place to have to make these decisions.

Now he’s out try to take some peaceful me time to think about your next steps in keeping him away and gaining your control back. Jot down your thoughts maybe so you can refer back to them to ground yourself if things get busy again.

x

[EbonyRaven]

So this!

It’s such a sneaky way for them to make us take all the responsibility on isn’t it? I can think of so very many instances where he would make all his miseries my fault because I had decided to go to a certain place/event, with or without him, and that had been a catalyst for him feeling ‘down’, drinking heavily, starting up an emotional affair, and on, and on.

Always when I attempted to discuss going places or doing things he’d say ‘it’s up to you’.

Now and again there’d be the opposite, just to chuck a curveball at me. He’d want to go somewhere, knowing I would be feeling particularly exhausted or in pain at that time, I’d agree to go and then that day he’d sit about making no move to get ready and not mentioning the event until it was too late to go. Then he’d blame me for us not going and say it was because I hadn’t bothered. On using it against me at a later date that story would become that I had deliberately avoided going, and had suddenly said I didn’t want to go. (None of which happened).

[EbonyRaven]

What would you do differently if he was to travel back to this country? Is knowing that going to really help you? Are there things you can put into place for if he were to turn up, for example always having your ‘phone charged, having new locks fitted, or a door bar etc. Maybe if you set these up you can relax a little and know that if he were to turn up you are ready and can call the police immediately.

You can then take the hard steps of cutting him away from your life. Get his bank details now, or get a 3rd party to, and do an international transfer when it comes to sending the money. You needn’t contact him further about that.

I imagine it was horrible to find out he was messaging others whilst with you. This is all the more reason to delete your door into his messages. Make it so you can’t see them and not hurt yourself by reading them. You can begin to really walk away and heal then.

[EbonyRaven]

Hi and welcome. If he ignores a restraining order the police can take action against him, so it’s not something he can do over and over again.

If you do tell him it is over maybe change your ‘phone number so he can’t contact you. Block him on all social media and don’t respond to any contact. Get contact set up through the courts and use a third party for handovers. Use an app or similar to arrange parenting duties.

I’m sorry to hear about your friend, that must be so painful for you.

I’m glad you’re speaking to W.A. that will help.
x

[EbonyRaven]

I know how you feel Yellowflower. I’m on floating support because I am apparently coping so well and so strong. They don’t contact me at all, so it’s up to me to contact them. That’s where it falls down for me as I’ve always been the type of person who finds it nigh on impossible to ask for help. No idea why, probably some upbringing thing, my father was hugely keen on my being independent.

So I’m in the position where I soldier on until someone contacts me. I am strong, and I know that, however there are times I’d like someone to talk to. I feel like I’m bothering them though, like there are ladies who need that time with them far, far more that I do as I will carry on through it, continue doing my day to day stuff, going to work, not breaking down.

It’s been months since I went there. I know they are busy but it would be lovely if she rang me or emailed me now and again just to ask if I was ok.

This is why this forum is such a massive help for me. Everyone here chooses to be here and answers if they want to give that time, and have that time to give. So I don’t feel I’m wasting anyone’s time by posting.

[EbonyRaven]

Sending strength to you today.
x

[EbonyRaven]

I went through feeling guilty and it took me a while to realise that it was his behaviour that had led to my having to speak to the authorities, and I had nothing to feel guilty about.

It’s one of the things they do to us with their manipulation, is to make us feel as if everything is our responsibility. It’s not. He’s responsible for his own behaviour.

Sending you strength today. x

[EbonyRaven]

You’re a loving, caring person. We’re not vindictive and can see how such a thing would be a horrible experience for any person. You’d probably feel bad for anyone who’s facing this, let alone someone you’ve been close to in the past.

[EbonyRaven]

I didn’t have to ask, however when I went to bed early I’d hear about how I abandoned him, and how lonely I made him feel, for days on end after.

[Author]

Posts