Flowerchild

[Flowerchild]

No, it doesn’t. We tried three times, at my request. He was furious that I mentioned his violence and the police involvement to the counsellor. Apparently I should not have ‘betrayed’ that.

He tried to subvert the counsellor to his side, saying he felt unloved. I felt sick being asked to list the things I lived him for.

When the subject of him snatching a huge knife from the knife block and brandishing it in the air came up, counsellor’s comment was, “That must have been very scary FOR YOU BOTH.”

I walked.

Couples counselling is for couples who love each other and need help to communicate that effectively. It is not for abusers and their victims.

What did finally make a difference was him committing to a perpetrator programme and going every week for over a year.

[Flowerchild]

He has most certainly broken a law by (detail removed by moderator), darling!

And your reporting will help keep that baby safe. Well done. Take courage.

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

He really has lobbed a grenade into the situation here, darling!

You may just need to avoid situations where he can confront you in front of the children in future, I think.

As for saying you’ll get nothing in a split, that’s nonsense and he knows it. You will be likely to be entitled to stay in the ‘marital home’ if you have the children living with you and he will have to go on supporting the children of course.

Arrangements for contact with his children can be made that mean you don’t need to have him come over the thresholdnor see you at all.

Don’t worry any more than you can help, lovely; he is talking up a storm of distracting flak, that’s all. It means nothing.

As for your son, a quiet but firm and clear chat when he’s calm and listening would help him to understand that you have no plans to get back with his father and your reasons are things he won’t really understand until he is older. He just had to trust you to look out for your and their best interests because you love them.

Stay strong,

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

The truth is the truth, darling, whatever anyone else may or may not believe. The authorities will be taking your report seriously, if course, and if in the end no action is taken, it won’t be because you aren’t believed.

I’ve no doubt he will be busily denying it all and recruiting supporters, but that needn’t bother you, need it? You can cut off contact with anyone who gets confrontational with you.

I think if you can let go of needing other people to validate your experience and hold on to what you know to be true, you can probably weather anything!

You will be free and that is what really matters.

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Try googling “If you can’t stand being tickled, why are you laughing?” darling. It explains better than I could!

F

[Flowerchild]

Liar, not list!

[Flowerchild]

Tickling is such a weird thing. Pinning you down and tickling you against your will is nearly as bad as hitting you, in my opinion. The breathless laughter is a primitive response that you have no control over; it certainly doesn’t mean you’re happy or having a good time or enjoying the experience, does it?

What do you imagine his response might be if you did it to him unexpectedly? That is always the question: what if it were the other way round?

He may well be telling himself that this defensive laughter and the forced fake avowals of love mean that you’re OK with his clearly abusive behaviour when clearly you’re not.

If you pick a calm moment to tell him you don’t enjoy being mercilessly tickled even if you respond with laughter and you don’t want him ever to do it again, would he respect that?

If not, it’s assault, darling. None of this is OK. None of this is normal or respectful or loving, is it? It’s just one more way of violating your boundaries while pretending he believes you’re fine with it.
And look, he gets to tell himself you’re a miserable so-and-so who says she doesn’t enjoy an innocent tickle and a list too, because you’re laughing all the way through.

Clever tactic. Nasty tactic.

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Thrilled to hear your news! Well done, darling, and we all wish you every success in this exciting new season of your life.

It won’t always be easy, but just think how proud of you your child will grow up to be.

Flower xxx

[Flowerchild]

No, not sexual abuse, Lovetravel, darling. When you said “No, no, no,” and he said “It’s OK,” and persisted until you said yes or just gave up and went quiet, that was rape.

Rape doesn’t have to be a stranger in a dark alley. Rape is penetration without consent. So yeah, he’s a rapist. Not nice. Not what you were entitled to expect from someone who was supposed to love and cherish you. Not what you deserved, darling.

None of this was your fault. I’m so sorry you experienced this. There is help out there to support you through your recovery. If you decide to report him, there is support for you to do that, too. You are not alone.

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Hi, Lostmonkey, darling. So sorry you’re going through this hellish patch!

Question: do your children get to choose their own bedtimes? Their diet? Their viewing and internet activities? Their shoes and clothing? My guess is that you step up as a parent and ensure they are safe, properly fed, rested and clothed, whatever they might say they want!

So why on earth would you let them decide YOUR life partner? They are children; that decision is not theirs to make; they don’t have the information and understanding of adults yet. That choice too must be YOURS as the adult involved.

Of course they want mum and dad happily together; I guess you’d love that, too, but he has failed all the tests, hasn’t he?

Imagine 10 or 15 or 20 years down the track when they are grown adults with mature understanding, bearing mental scars from his abuse and seeing you broken by decades of abuse. What will they say? Probably, “Mum, why didn’t you just leave when you realised?” And if you say you stayed for them because they asked you to? “Mum, that was a bad decision. We were just kids. It was your life and our safety and happiness. You shouldn’t have listened to us!”

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Sex in your sleep (waking up to find he’s started) is rape, darling. You can’t give consent in your sleep.

Threatening you to control you is just as illegal as throttling you, too.

I’m afraid you’ve normalised a lot of abnormal, abusive behaviour. Not your fault – no blame – they work at this!

Is it time to start planning your escape?!

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Do consider the possibility that he had landed you with an ‘anchor’ dog, darling!

Anytime he likes he can pester you to see the dog or be told about its welfare, can’t he?

It might be ultimatum time: you could tell him to commit to a monthly direct debit for the costs (include food for a year, vaccinations, de-flea and de-worm treatments, pet insurance and two weeks’ kenneling costs in case you take a holiday and divide by 12) and give him a deadline to set it up by: a week should be enough. The alternatives are to take the dog back or, if you love the dog, want to keep it and can afford to keep it, tell him he can hand over the animal to you and guarantee in writing that he will never contact you again about it.

Why should you pick up his responsibilities?

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Just a thought, J@j, since you were canny enough to record the incident, if you report to his solicitor, why not attach the recording?

That should lead to a difficult and expensive series of communications for him!

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

It seems the person appointed as ‘supervisor’ is actually another abuser!

I’d consider you justified in refusing to subject your children to this again. It must have been terrifying hearing the shouting, seeing their mother intimidated, bring herded and separated like prey.

Did you report the incident to the police? I do hope so. It’s not too late. Some urgent phoning on Monday morning might quickly put you in a safer position where you don’t have to hand your precious children over into danger.

Others can advise better than I who to call, but the police would come first for me: 101 initially; 999 if anyone turns up or starts kicking off at the next handover, if there ever is one.

Do you know how to record sound on your phone while it’s in your pocket, darling?

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Isn’t it odd how blind we are, calling an abuser’s behaviour an ‘anger management’ issue and telling ourselves he can’t help it?

They are managing their anger alright! It never pops out around anyone they respect or fear; they never smash up their own treasures; they cope at work!

It was when I dialled 999 after he’d let go of my neck and stopped banging my head against the kitchen door that I saw his ‘uncontrollable’ rage pop like a soap bubble and he slunk into the sitting room and curled up in the corner of a sofa like a scolded puppy to await their arrival.

They manage their anger perfectly to exert control. It’s all choices!

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

You promised you’d never seek half the house? Hmmm.

No 1, he’s broken his promises to you all over the place, so I’d say that’s a deal-breaker for any that you made.
No 2, this is the children’s future home we’re talking about, it’s not just about you, darling.
No 3. If you want to stick by your promises, 49% is less than half…

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

University will open up whole new areas for you and allow you to build a great life for you and your children!

Is it possible your mum feels threatened by this prospect? Would she feel more comfortable if your life were smaller and duller and there was no chance you could outgrow your family?

She sounds as if she’s systematically undermining your confidence as an intelligent woman and as a mother, whatever her motivation is.

I totally understand your doubts about having her care for your children; I would feel exactly the same!

As your daughter is resident with her father, surely he could take the lead in finding – and funding – more appropriate care for her? As for the younger one, have you investigated childcare availability at the university itself? Many sites have crêche facilities for staff and students with very young children. Your financial situation would be taken into account, I think.

If you put it off for a year you may well be so talked down that you lose your confidence altogether! This kind of negativity is like a dripping tap and it can do a lot of damage.

Imagine years down the track being ridiculed for even thinking you could get a degree and better yourself and your children. Don’t let it happen, darling!

You know students get a slack time, really, as the universities know they’ll be socialising like mad? You will easily cope with the workload, even around children, I promise!

Perhaps if you even start talking about and investigating alternative childcare arrangements it will bump your mam into looking hard at her attitude? You could tell her you aren’t happy for your children to keep hearing her relentless negativity and she needs to be 100% positive and supportive of you if she is to be trusted to help raise her grandchildren?

If you are to be successful, you must be able to trust those who care for your little ones. I’ve been there and it makes all the difference! I never relied on family…

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Ultimately, though, it will be your reality – the family court’s reality – that matters, not his fantasy world of denial that he projects to friends and family and tried to keep you captive in.

The world does not run by his rules. He doesn’t realise that yet and may never accept it, but that cannot be allowed to influence your behaviour and the way you protect your child!

You do absolutely right to listen to professional advice and stick to no contact. Imagine in court someone saying you put your child at risk by allowing contact or by keeping in touch with the abuser!

No contact is the way to go and if family on either side thinks you’re hard-hearted, tough. You’re in charge here, not them! The child’s wellbeing must come first. Parents have responsibilities, not rights.

Well done you; stay strong for yourself and your child.

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

More from me, darling!

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Hang on a minute, GMLB, darling – you’ve left him, right? So what gives him the right to pester you – AT WORK – demanding attention and trying to dictate how long you have for lunch?! Let alone stressing you about time-keeping for phonecalls!

He is harassing you and there are laws against that for exactly this kind of situation!

He needs a shot across the bows. There are children so you cannot go fully to no contact; I get that. Always Sorry is spot on suggesting email only, though. That way you can change your phone number or block him from calling and if his only way in is by email, it’s all on record: when he gets in touch, how often and exactly what he says. That will give him a moment of pause for a start. He’ll be imagining it all printed out and read in court, which you can’t for voice calls.

Suggestion from me; when you agree to anything, like children calling him, NEVER commit to a time, not even a range of times. That just hands him a stick to beat you with and creates stressful deadlines. The children will phone him ‘when convenient’ or ‘after the evening meal’. If he pushes for time details, just refuse, saying something like ‘family life does not run to strict timetables, especially outside school term-time, and there will be no commitment to externally imposed deadlines.’ That should stop some of the pestering.

Do you supervise his calls to the children? He sounds such a stress merchant that perhaps you should, just to be sure he isn’t undoing all the good being away from him has done them. If he is grilling them about you or ramping up the pressure on them he might need a carefully worded warning about that, too!

Good luck, darling, and remember, you’ve left him now! There is absolutely no reason to allow him to reach in and interfere with your day-to-day calm and happiness like this. He can try: you need not comply.

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

If family are letting him in, they’re colluding with him and you aren’t being supported. If you express your wishes and they’re ignored or undermined, you’re living in the wrong place, darling. 😟

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

It hardly matters what you tell them, really. They rarely see themselves as abusers. That’s always the other guy with the can of st*ll* and the wife beater T-shirt. They’re not like him!

It will make no real difference to what happens next. If he ever asks why you didn’t tell him, well, it’s because he IS an abuser and a) you knew he wouldn’t accept the label and b) you didn’t feel safe saying it!

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

If you stay a few months, he’ll only have another six reasons you can’t leave, won’t he?

Ask yourself why he keeps saying such hurtful and ridiculous things; it’s to keep you spinning your wheels and going nowhere! You don’t have to really listen, you know. It doesn’t need to be taken to heart. He’s just pushing your buttons.

I bet your daughter has a pretty shrewd idea what’s going on. She could be a great support for you, and your sister too, by the sound of it. Do talk to them, darling!

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Dear Escapee,

Be sure that whenever you plan to leave, he will cook up a big pot of guilt stew and hand you the spoon!

Have you actually asked your daughter whether she will fall to bits if you aren’t there? She’s an adult with a partner, so I’m guessing she’s probably OK. After all, she’s lived away from you before and survived, am I right?

If she has a phone and your number, she can be in touch I guess? If you tell her what her father is suggesting about her mental fragility and general neediness, will she laugh? Why not try it and see?

Ask her whether she actually needs you to be there when it forces you back into his bed where you don’t want to be. If she’s the woman I think she is – her strong mother’s daughter – she will put you straight. And she’ll be forearmed against any badmouthing her father tries about you, too!

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Are you a mental health professional, darling? If not, how do you propose stabilising him? If you are, you already know it’s unprofessional for you to treat him.

He might be acting up in an attempt to stop you leaving, or he might be having a mental crisis. Either way, there’s nothing you can do to help him. Your children’s safety and your own are paramount here.

Get yourselves to safety and alert the professionals to his state – your GP is a good place to start. A phone call is enough responsibility for you to take. Make sure the GP knows you’re feeling unsafe and getting out.

All the best, lovely. You aren’t helping him by staying where you’re not safe.

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

No, not you, Sparkle, darling.

He’s showing you that he doesn’t think you’re entitled to an opinion of your own, or any respect or airtime to express your views. Look, he’s even suggesting you can’t have an original idea but must have been told what to think by others on social media.

There is complete contempt for you being shown here. I wouldn’t see his silence as punishment: I’d see it as convincing evidence that fundamentally he is completely unchanged.

If he trashes your opinion on something like this, what will happen when it’s a deeply important and personal topic you’re disagreeing on?

He’s not to be trusted as half of an adult, mutually supportive, intimate relationship, is he?

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

That is financial abuse, darling. Who goes to work and has their salary paid into an account they can’t access without permission? That’s outrageous

If all you have to do is ask, just ask for the password. He should give it, or he will have to admit why not.

Whether or not he parts with the password, if your name is on the account, the bank will surely help you change the PIN and password if you ask, to one that only you know. Can you slip in at lunchtime from work? You need an extra car key cutting, too, for emergencies!

As far as future earnings go, if your account is still not accessible to you but only to him, you can open a brand new account, ideally with a different bank altogether, and switch your salary to it.

Preventing you controlling your own earnings puts him in breach of the married women’s property act of 1880-something, so his reality is nearly 150 years out of date!

This can’t go on, lovely.

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Your feelings prove you ARE getting there though, darling!

Going back to work is huge and challenging, but look – you’re doing it. Of course your feelings will be almost overwhelming, but if you try to ride them out rather than fight them off they will roll on by. You won’t get stuck with them and feel like this forever, I promise.

Progress often feels up and down, but you are travelling in the direction or recovery and you WILL get there. Be kind and gentle with yourself and be sure to eat well, rest lots and quiet the bullying voices you might hear in your head; that’s just a memory of your abuser, not reality.

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Yes, Dragon, darling, this is totally part of it!

An abuser like him can never be in the wrong; that’s a given. So it follows that your place, your role in his ‘Me Show’ is to be the one in the wrong. The blame game he plays is just so much flak, distracting noise and fuss, to silence you this time and all the times you might protest an injustice or defend a boundary, while he steadily encroaches and takes over your entire life.

There’s nothing – nothing! – wrong with you.

This is his problem, his mindset, his pattern of behaviour, his MO. He’s probably been like it most of his life, so don’t worry you’ve somehow caused him to be like this. He won’t change, either, not unless he realises and wants to and puts in the work (at least a year’s worth) – three things that are very unlikely to happen.

I’m afraid all you can do to make it stop is remove yourself from his reach as quickly and totally as it is safe and practical to do so.

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Think about it , Champ, darling. If you really were the only thing stopping him killing himself, how was he alive when you met? And why isn’t he endlessly grateful for the stability you bring him?

Yeah, it’s rubbish. One person just cannot supply mental stability and a reason to live to another human being.

If he does claim to be suicidal after you leave and manages to let you know, check where he is and then dial emergency for the police. They have to go if a life is at risk. If he’s bluffing, they’ll be plenty annoyed. If he’s genuine, they’ll get him help. Either way, it will be out of your hands and he probably won’t try it again!

You are not the cause of his problems; you are not qualified to fix his problems; you are not responsible for trying to fix his problems.

Flower x

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