iamme

[iamme]

No they won’t. By leaving, you will be showing social services and the courts that you are trying to protect your children.

Talk to someone at your local DV charity. Get them to help you plan for your safety. Statements from a DV worker can be used in court and it can help you get legal aid for a non molestation order.

We tell ourselves that they are mentally ill but they don’t behave like that with anyone else. I have a friend who is mentally ill and her behaviour when she is unwell is the same for everyone. You’re a loving, caring and nurturing person. It’s time to use that for yourself and your children.

Look after yourself, don’t reveal your plans to him or any of his friends. Keeping us isolated is how they warp our thinking to suit them. Reach out to DV workers, your GP, anyone who can help you. When you feel alone, come on to this forum and look at all the stories women have told. You’re not alone. Your pain and suffering is just as valid as anyone else’s. You deserve a happy life for yourself and your children.

Take care, stay safe and be brave. You have a beautiful life waiting for you and it will all be worth it in the end.

[iamme]

Hi Daylight,

I think if he goes to court for access, you need to tell CAFCASS about all the things he’s done to you and how he neglects his son. You mentioned guns, instantly that a red flag. You said he shot you with some type of gun. I think you don’t actually realise all the types of abuse he’s inflicted on you. I would suggest reading up on the types of abuse when you are ready so that you know what has happened to you. I am saying this because I didn’t realise I was being raped because I was so shut down until I rang the national domestic violence helpline. That was only one of the ways I was being abused and I had no idea because my mind blocked it out.

My husband reported me to social services because he said if he couldn’t have the kids, then neither will I. He wanted to hurt me where it would hurt the most. SS’s advice was to not allow contact because he wasn’t putting his children’s best interests first. Thankfully my children were old enough to tell SS about what was happening.

He’s made threats against you, so would your child be safe if he really wanted to get back at you. (detail removed by Moderator) He dragged me through mediation which is inappropriate in cases of DV which the mediator picked up straightaway. I was honest with CAFCASS and they appreciated the honesty. They asked about my mental health and I told them the meds I was on and the lady said from what I’d told her, she wasn’t surprised that I was on them. She said as long as it wasn’t affecting my ability to parent, which it wasn’t, then it was fine. My solicitor said it just backed up my side of things.

Be honest with CAFCASS, and with yourself. If he’s a threat to you, he won’t be allowed unsupervised access but you will need to make a statement to the courts of the things he’s done and you’ll need a good family law solicitor. Look on the womensaid website. There is a questionnaire about different types of abuse. There’s a lot of resources and links there as well. A solicitor will be able to help you through the process.

Your worried because you don’t trust this person with your child. I was the same. Be strong and don’t try to protect your ex. He’s a grown adult and wouldn’t hesitate to throw you under the bus. Work with everyone involved making sure things are in place to keep you and your son safe.

Take care, be strong x

[iamme]

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to watch a little TV. The drifting apart is an argument I’ve heard before. The thing they don’t realise is, it’s their behaviour that make you want to shut down and be as far away from them as possible.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to do something you want to do. Your not a child, you don’t have a bedtime. As an adult you can set your own bedtime. I don’t know enough about your relationship but breaking a (detail removed by Moderator) door because he wasn’t getting his way is a major red flag.

Stay safe, look after yourself x

[iamme]

Hi Whatislove,

I hope you’re doing ok. The confusion and the messed up feelings are just a legacy of what they did to us and are still doing. I find the police useless sometimes. When my friend saw that my husband was following me, she was worried and called the police. When they arrived they asked me to phone my friend and they told her off for wording her call the way she did. She genuinely thought he was trying to attack me.

Clear your head and think about what you need to do to feel safe and what you want from the law to make you feel safe. Remember you have people around you who love and support you and you have the support of all the ladies here. You are strong and brave and an inspiration to your children and to others.

You’ve got this! Loadsa hugs for you x

[iamme]

Hi Isthisright,

You’ve left a few times. How do you feel when you are away from him? What makes you comeback to him?

The constant dramas and arguments, being on eggshells, it never changes. It erodes away at you, making you weaker and making you feel like you’re going insane. My husband would do the same thing. He would divide assets and say he can’t stand to be anywhere near me, that I didn’t know how to behave like a proper wife. Now that I am out, he files for divorce, thinking I’m going to beg him to come back. I signed the petition he sent and returned it. He has now put proceedings on hold, while he and his family make life hard for me and my family to force me to take him back.

Next time the house becomes too toxic to stay in, think about what is stopping you from completely severing all ties. Weigh up pros and cons. Is it a misguided notion that marriages are forever and that you can change him? He’s said himself that he won’t change. Even when they do say they will change, they very rarely do.

I hope you have supportive people around you and I hope you are doing ok.

Be strong and stay safe. Lots of hugs coming your way x

[iamme]

I’m hearing a lot of good things about inner child therapy, it’s definitely worth trying. Thank you, ladies x

[iamme]

Thank you, Braelynn and cantmakedecisions. I’m feeling a little stronger today. Long sleeves, jumpers and cardigans when it was blazing hot. I used to tell people I was feeling cold.

I haven’t heard of inner child therapy before but it is something I would like to look into in the future. I was going to ask my GP about EMDR because I have heard it drastically reduces symptoms of PTSD but I’m willing to give anything a go to see some sort of result.

When I come on to this forum, I feel less alone. Thank you, ladies x

[iamme]

I agree with WTH; you’re not an abuser but you are in an abusive relationship.

I was on a bus once and a baby was crying. The mother kept apologising to other passengers. The father said, “I’m not sorry. It’s what babies do.” You’re worried about your child behaving like a child because it might upset your husband. Does that sound right to you? If someone truly loved you, they would go out of their way to make your child feel welcome. What if it had been the other way? What if he had a child? How would you behave towards that child?

You’re on edge all the time and from what you’ve posted, I think you may be having emotive flashbacks as well (not medically trained but is something I experienced). When you can’t process emotions, they eventually come out when in non-threatening situations and compound what abusers tell us.

Do you receive counselling as well as taking antidepressants? It might be an idea to speak to your GP or a counsellor about what is happening and how you are feeling.

My brother does a lot of DIY jobs but he never shouts if anyone messes something up. He just laughs and gets on with fixing it. He doesn’t put anyone down. His only demand is for big jobs, the tea has to keep coming but even then he’ll brew it himself. You’re being told you can’t do anything because that’s how he wants you to feel. I was told I couldn’t cook or do anything right but now my children ask me to make dishes from scratch for them because they like my cooking. I’m sure you are more thank likely capable of doing everything. He may work hard all day but so have a feeling you’re working just as hard if not harder.

Think about what you want to do. Getting out isn’t easy but neither is staying. Please talk to someone, a friend, relative or even a colleague. I have found words of wisdom from strangers have been far more helpful and give more clarity.

It might not seem like it at the moment but life has a lot to offer.

Stay safe and take care x

[iamme]

Yes, it is the little things. Well done, just take one day at a time. Being independent is scary if you’ve never had to do it before. Counselling should help you feel that little bit better and a little more competent everyday. It did for me. I was able to support myself and my children.

I bought myself some pink chrysanthemums a few days ago, just like you; no one else ever bought any for me. It’s my way of saying well done to me and thanking myself for everything I do for me, big or small.

Make the most of counselling, the more you engage with it, the better you are able to heal. Your bit about talking on the phone resonated with me. I hated talking on the phone, it was scary and people would ask questions I couldn’t answer and I honestly thought I couldn’t speak. But now, I can talk with anyone quite easily and honestly, counselling helped a lot.

You’re doing all the right things. Hold your head up high and smile from inside yourself. You can do anything you want and anything you choose to do.

Stay safe and start living for you x

[iamme]

Abuse happens when your defenders are lowered and you are pulled into thinking you are safe. It’s happened a few times, but even once out of the blue is one too many times. Some men know how to hide and disguise anger. Getting angry for no apparent reason is a red flag.

Walk away. Work on becoming your true self again. You shut down, which shows you may be dealing with PTSD. Learn to love yourself and be kind to yourself.

You deserve better than this man. You deserve to be in a safe, loving relationship. The freedom programs teaches you to listen to your gut instincts. I think you already know what you want to do.

Take care, stay safe x

[iamme]

If you’ve already agreed to FaceTime calls, you could make it so that the children have a designated area to make and receive calls or use a computer. With my ex, the children were just a way of getting to me. He didn’t really care about them. He eventually gave up because he didn’t want cafcass knowing the things he did and what the children thought. He also couldn’t be bothered to spend money on seeing them. He wanted unsupervised but he had never been alone with them before. He was planning on brainwashing them but my children were old enough to tell social services how they felt.

Don’t worry about contact, if he’s not getting to you, he’ll give up. And in the event that he is actually interested in his kids, it’s a good thing. The rules you’ve set out are sensible and keep you safe in the contact process.

I hope all goes well x

[iamme]

Thank you, a few kind words make a world of difference x

[iamme]

Hi 54231g,

Hope you’re ok. I can relate to your experiences. Sometimes you have to cut family out of your life to start to get your life back together. It’s not easy but start making plans for your safety. It took me years to get out and even now I have family members trying to get me back into the marriage that almost destroyed me and killed my soul. I ignore phone calls from family and don’t open my door to anyone I don’t trust. I’ve started getting my life back together and don’t ever want to be back in that place. My children are doing well and it was worth the initial upheaval.
Don’t give up hope or think any less of yourself as people like to make you do. Staying in a marriage like this will will kill you in every possible way. You and your children’s lives matter. I had a good friend that made me see the truth and I hope you have someone you can rely on. It’s time for you to give up on all those who have wronged you and think of yourself.

Take care, stay safe
Your sister standing beside you in spirit x

[iamme]

Hi notagain,

Won’t the social worker take into consideration what your children tell him. Also contact should be about maintaining a relationship with the child and not playing mind games with the kids. Obviously, grandma’s going to overlook abusive behaviour from their father. He will also try to make the kids make life difficult for you in place of him. Is contact court ordered? Surely the children telling the social worker that they were hit would make the social worker think twice about contact?

Mine could never physically hurt my kids while he was with me because it was the only thing I would draw the line at. The social worker would not allow unsupervised contact and she told me that she was going to tell him to go to court because none of my kids had any overwhelming desire to see him. Perhaps suggesting contact at a contact centre to your social worker would help. Their father would have to pay for contact but the centre workers would be unbiased and put the kids first.
Also, you’re not rambling or boring. What you have to say matters. Don’t think you shouldn’t be heard. You’re worried about your children, so the social worker has to listen. Children can be manipulated and controlled. The children should tell the social what he says about you. It can have a damaging affect on children when someone makes comments about their mother.

Don’t worry too much though. It’s just another hurdle you have to jump but eventually the kids will see through him.

Lots of hugs your way x

[iamme]

Hi everyone,

Just an update. Yes it was as simple as a council tax bill and talking to the people on the helpline made things a lot easier. Even managed to deal with the passport office and get my daughters documents back on time for her trip (detail removed by moderator).

It goes to show, a few kind words from you ladies here and I was ready to kick ass. Thank you for all your support x

[iamme]

Thank you ladies for your advice and support. It’s good to have people talk sense when you think you’re going crazy.

I’ve been trying meditation and most days it helps to calm the voices in my head. The nasty voices are still there but not as loud. Some days the nasty self doubt kicks in and actually makes me physically sick.

Self talk and finding your rationality seems like a good idea. I’m going to have to train my brain to stop the train of negative thoughts and look at practicalities instead.

Thank you ladies, I feel so much better after reading your posts. Lots of hugs to you all x

[iamme]

Hi Harper,

My husband has used my own family and other relatives to get to me. I stopped picking up my landline and only took calls from people I knew and trusted. Unfortunately my mum is someone who is easily led and quite gullible. He gets people to talk to her to get to me. Most of the time I keep myself busy and away from judgemental people. My mother tries to get me to go along with what she says like it’s some kind of profound wisdom but only I know what I had to live through and how bad my mental state had become so my wisdom is better and my scars deeper. I don’t divulge much to my mum either as she can’t keep things to herself. Once you stop caring what he does, people won’t bother you if it doesn’t have an affect on you. More than likely he’s putting on a show for people to talk to you about because he knows he still has power over you even though he’s not there.

Meditation and mindfulness is quite good. Takes practise but you start feeling better and more positive. Think about you, what would you like to do? What would you have done before he dug his claws into you?

[iamme]

Missnobody,

If you’re anything like me, you probably don’t want to bother anybody. You probably think you’re out and safe so you should be ok. Please call someone when you are down, even if it’s just the samaritans. Just talking to another human being will make you realise you’re not nobody. You’ve had a pretty hard time of it and it’s ok to not be ok. x

[iamme]

Hi Rainbowcloud,

For me it was when my father died. Everyone was dealing with their own grief and problems. I thought I could depend on my husband to at least be there for me through my grief but (detail removed by moderator) . I flipped on him that night and told him to stop talking. I didn’t swear or anything. I had three kids to look after which he couldn’t be bothered to watch. I had no time to grieve or process anything. He then went running to my mum and my brothers saying I had gone crazy and they took his side. He expected an apology. I never gave one. I pointed out all my family had friends and relatives that had come to comfort them but I couldn’t even rely on my husband. To that he said friends are nothing, he was the one thing that was important. From what I said all he got was I wanted friends. I thought omg, it’s all about him. Even my grief is not more important than anyone elses. It was less. I was less important than everyone else unless it was of benefit to him.

I now wish I had left sooner but maybe it was the right time at the time I left. My children don’t have an idealised picture of their father which makes things a lot easier.

To all you ladies that are trapped, that moment of realisation is your soul telling you, you’re worth more than this; there is something better than this no matter how hard it seems x

[iamme]

Hi,
If he thought his kids were worth it, he would pay to see them and go through courts for them. He’s only showing interest in them as a way to get to you.

Mine is trying to take me to mediation. He doesn’t care about them, just trying to use them against me. He’s sending all the emotionally blackmailing texts and audio files of him crying cos he’s suffering after being kicked out. He’s even still trying to get me to cook meals for him like it was my only pleasure in life to serve him. These men don’t think they have done anything wrong and try to convince you of that so you let them back in.

Put your safety and the kids safety first. Ignore him as much as possible although I know its hard. Give yourself and the children time to heal and work on strengthening your bond with your children. I have seen a dramatic change in my children since their father has been gone. My more reserved child is starting to speak up. My teenager is enjoying spending time with her siblings and going out more whereas before she would not even bother getting dressed unless it was for school. My youngest child is not turning to food for comfort anymore. All this in only a few weeks.

Take care, stay safe x

[iamme]

Hi runner,
Hope you’re ok. They are trying to affect your mental state. Voodoo, black magic etc. is only real if you believe it is. My in laws were/are trying to use Black Magic and religious talismans on me. They’ve been doing it a while now and I still have not taken their son back. Stay strong, look after your kids. Social services won’t take your kids away from you as long as they can see your putting their needs and safety first.

My husband reported me to social services. My social worker was young and inexperienced and had no real idea what it took to look after kids cos she commented on the kids have a messy bedroom. Anyone with kids knows that it only takes a minimum of a few hours before the room returns to its chaotic state. Other than that, she could not find anything wtong with my mental state or my kids. My kids told me what she asked them and they were quite annoyed she’d come into their room without asking. My kids also said she was trying to eavesdrop on them cos they knew the floorboards would creak near the stairs. I don’t trust social services fully because I don’t think they are trained very well in dv. I know for a fact that I am a good mother because of how well my children are doing and how normal they are but SS make you feel like you’re doing a bad job, and like they’re trying to catch you out.

You keep doing what you need to do. Can’t you have their father removed from your home? Could you move? If his family are involved aswell I would be careful. I’ve had community members report my whereabouts to my husband so he can intimidate and stalk me. What about your family? Can they help you in anyway?

Take care, be strong and stay safe x

[iamme]

Hello stressedout,

It sounds like you’re situation is to do with immigration. I am not familiar with home office problems but have you tried talking to womensaid outreach team. You need to explain everything clearly to them and ask them for the kind of support you need. I have sometimes found when speaking to ppl they tend to be emotionally supportive but aren’t very clear about how to go about doing things the best way and the procedures that have to be followed.

Are you actually in a refuge? Do you have family anywhere that could help you? Have you spoken to your GP? I had the same problem of ppl, professionals saying there was lots of support but I had no idea what kind of support they were offering. Sometimes I felt, people were playing games with me. I couldn’t trust anyone. The only ppl I felt were listening to me was my IDVA and my solicitor.

It’s a confusing and frightening time trying to get out and even afterwards, so please be careful and be strong. Things take time to fall into place, but I’m sure everything will turn out ok.

[iamme]

Thanks Kip, my brother said the same thing. He told me to stuff his money, he’s going to use it to control me further.

[iamme]

Get yourself some support. Talk to womensaid. Leaving is the right thing to do but it is also one of the hardest things to do without support. Make a safety plan with them. Keep important documents to hand. Pack an emergency bag with stuff for you and your kids. When you feel you can’t take it anymore and you’ve had enough just take everything and go. You can turn up at the housing offices and declare yourself homeless, ring womensaid to help you find a refuge place, or ask the police to help you cos you don’t feel safe. I don’t know how old your kids are but the sooner you get away the better. Do it at a time when he won’t be around so it will be easier to take the kids with you rather than them get caught in the crossfire.

Beware, he will use the children against you.

Stay safe x

[iamme]

Hi Ayanna,

thank you for those wise words. You’re all right. My children seem happier than before and everyone is starting to see him for the person he really is. I just wish he would calm down already.

[iamme]

Thank you maddog, hope it all works out for you and you’re finally free of him.

As for me, social services removed him from our home last week and he has been trying to get my family on his side. He even broke the no contact SS imposed on him. I am going to take out a non molestation order today but I’m scared he might get angry. I have the curtains drawn to stop me looking outside everytime cars go by. I keep lights off as much as possible so he won’t know we’re at home. I can’t predict what he will do which makes it worse than if he was here. I’m afraid to go out or answer the door or the phone. The only reason I go out is for the kids. Even then I’m constantly watching the surrounding area to make sure we’re safe. At home everytime I hear a noise I think he’s come back. The kids seem much more resilient than I gave them credit for. They seem happier at the moment but they don’t like how I’m fussing over little details like not letting them run ahead to school.

[iamme]

Thank you benson and anabela. You’ve given me hope that things will be ok. You’ve made me feel I’m not stupid for speaking out. Hugs to you all x

[iamme]

I hugged you too ☺

[iamme]

Thank you Kip.

I wish I could hug you right now. I’ve been so scared and worried. My children are the only reason I have for living. I seem to fail at everything else. I thought I could be the best at being their mum. But I have even started to question my ability at that.

Thank you for reassuring me x

[iamme]

Hi Snowdrop,

Well done for posting here. You will find everyone here is very supportive.

I would say it’s definately abuse. Emotional, financial, psychological and sexual. Your children are older so let him fight for custody. The courts will have to listen to your childrens views. He’s trying to control you with all his threats. He’s the one in the wrong. I would speak to the national domestic violence helpline and womensaid. The fact that the children are beginning to learn how to behave so as not to set him off shows it’s an abusive environment.

You are an amazingly strong woman, battling cancer and living with a man like that. Reading your story makes me feel stronger. If you can balance so much on your own while being sick, think how much you can do without his constant critisms and controlling behaviour. It may feel like you don’t have a choice or are stuck but ultimately you do. You just have to summon that courage inside yourself to make life better for yourself and your kids. It’s scary, I know, I’m on my own journey through it at the moment, and it’s hard. Sometimes I just want to give up and hide away. That’s when I come on this forum and just reading through posts gives me strength.

Be strong, stay safe. You are not alone x

[Author]

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