Same-again

[Same-again]

OMG, just logged on and this post came up. How strange. I think mine has been watching me since 2020. My mind has almost lost it at stages..
I tried to tell the police – they referred me (without my knowledge) to a phyc eval. I then started my own private hell. Sorry if this isn’t a great reply, I feel your pain. I still live it. There is no safe place.

[Same-again]

I have felt the same.
The really nice thing (which also reflects my change) is that you’re talking about you. As in your focus is your life. Your recovery, your healing.
Finally, I feel that shift. Thank god, I rejoice.
I can deal with the journey of healing now I am my focus.

Much love to all, whereever you are on your journey. I’m routing for you all and me. Xxx

[Same-again]

Hi, I found my GP to be brilliant. It took time to build a trusting relationship so I didn’t tell her the whole story.
In the end she was ringing me every week (I was suicidal at times) and she was a rock.

Reach out, it’s hard at first. I found for me it was very much in bits & never really the whole. However, she was there for me.

Best of luck, you do right. Reach out. Xx

[Same-again]

Hey there AM,

Were we dating the same weirdo?! It sounds so familiar It’s uncanny.

Anyway, just wanted to send my support as I’ve been where you are now so I understand.

Cling on & keep posting.

Happy New Year!

[Same-again]

I like that phrase and yes, it resonates with me.

Like I’d put my heart and soul into us/him and couldn’t/didn’t want to (but did want to) let go.

I also feel very much that I was fighting my own mind (cognitive dissonance) & that was/has been very powerful.

XX

[Same-again]

Hi all,

I just wanted to add to the thread. My thoughts for what they are worth.

Without a doubt he is abusive.

I think we shy away from the word rape (I did, and many women do) because it seems too strong perhaps. I think as women it’s often easier to acquiesce if someone is pushing the issue. This is hardwired into us (I think) because if we make a stand we know unconsciously we can’t back that up physically. He pushed past consent and he KNEW it.

This is dangerous and at such an early stage extremely worrying. Mine started with that type of behaviour and it escalated.

Think about it this way, if you knew somebody wasn’t responding/wanting/consenting to something you were doing sexually would you continue? No, and I’ll wager that sentence makes you feel uncomfortable like ‘god no’.

My advice (and I didn’t take it) is run.

For me, with the benefit of hindsight/knowledge and much pain he’s a wrong un. No doubt at all, for me those red flags are flapping.

xxx

xxx

[Same-again]

Sad to say, it’s not just your community. It’s society as a whole who engage in victim blaming. I hear you, I feel your pain also.

My family victim blame, as to th neighbours he’s managed to convince he’s the victim. Sadly the police too.

But, they’ve not left us with nothing. Hope is what you have inside you and also the truth. Hold both things close. This time for us both is hard and challenging. I hold your hand from afar and say hold on. It won’t always feel this bad, squeeze my hand because I feel your pain. I am there with you. Hold on, we will prevail.
You are not alone.

Xx

[Same-again]

Hi Lisa, couldn’t find the place you mentioned. I’m technology challenge d and maybe too late but I would definitely take part. Xx

[Same-again]

Hi Scapegoat,

I just wanted to reach out to you as I have been where you are and felt that worthless. Almost identical threats – In the end I left a really good job due to the abuse.

Firstly, you’ve got to be kind to you. It can be very hard to leave especially when they admit stuff and apologise. Listen to this – mine didn’t even really do that and I took him back. Doh. I spent a lot of time hating myself but in a way you are helping him/doing his job for him!

You are amazing and it’s not you. Sometimes it takes a few goes to get someone support wise who you can work with. Repeat, this isn’t your fault and defending yourself is instinctive. One thing I would say is that THEY want you to fight back – more fun that way and easier to muddy the waters. Trust me, I know this from dreadful experience.

You’ve not made your bed hun, not at all. It often takes a few goes at the leaving thing to make it stick. Don’t be mean to yourself about it, it’s the past and your future is out there. Cling on and quietly gain strength. xXx

[Same-again]

Hello Ladies, thank you for your replies and your wisdom and encouragement.

Yes, I will do nothing for now and concentrate on looking after ME.

Thank you again 🙂

[Same-again]

Hi, a lot of things you said resonated with me. I did also self harm after ex had been violent. For me it was a way of coping with the emotional pain/trauma.

I have also acted out of character and in ways I would never have before. Abuse in all its forms can really twist your head. Don’t blame yourself but I think you’re right about your (detail removed by modertor). He sounds great btw and is behaving professionally and sensibly. I’d be careful your husband doesn’t read your messages to him as well.

I think you are understandably wanting to message him as he’s been there for you but I think he’s sensibly trying to navigate back to being professional.

I think he’s doing right as well – for you and him. You don’t want to jeapordise his friendship either because it’s great you have that (detail removed by moderator) time away from hubbie and keeps you strong mentally too.

Have you any other support? I found my GP really helpful. Anyway, I’m not much good at advice. Just wanted to say I understand really and that I’ve been there too. Xxxx

[Same-again]

Hello Ladies,

Just wanted to add my thoughts. Mine was the full spectrum abuse wise (physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, financial) and I’m afraid I do have to agree you with you that the video does rather feed into the stereotype of what people think abuse looks like.

I think it’s just too simplistic and doesn’t really tackle the hidden abuse which I for one think is the most damaging. It’s their desire to destroy you with maliciousness and conniving. I often think of mine as a modern day Rumpelstiltskin, dancing round his fire with an evilness I cannot comprehend.

Mine also did the crocodile tears and very effectively. The whole neighbourhood thinks it’s little old me who’s ‘crazy’. Good old victim blaming – love it.

I think the video is well intentioned, I watched an interview of Mel B. discussing it and I think she’d be gutted by our comments.

I think perhaps we could petition for a further video to tackle some of the issues raised. The police always say “so you were arguing” and the last time they said that I tried again to correct them. An argument involves two people, in the end it was just a one man rant of verbal aggression and vile, vile words (criticism, put downs, ridiculous accusations). How is that an argument? The only unpleasant thing I said mostly was “get out” which started as “please leave” and became the former after the 10th request and being raged at.

My rant over – wishing you all a lovely Sunday or at least a peaceful one.

[Same-again]

Yup, it’s a powerful drug oxytocin. It’s called the cuddle drug and makes you feel safe, warm, loved. As you can imagine after an abusive episode you crave that feeling because your mind/emotional world is so shattered.

Mine could be a good lover when HE wanted to be ie when it served a purpose. At other times not so – all about him. They use the feeling oxytocin gives against you having created the need/want for it in the first place.

I want to get my hands on the ‘abusive man’s handbook’ and burn it. Manipulative little gremlins that that they are. Push, pull, push, pull and repeat – all whilst keeping you off balance in a variety of different/evil/abusive/cruel ways.

[Same-again]

*nose

[Same-again]

Hi,

Just wanted to add my bit about different types of abuse.

Mine dished it all out. Physical, emotional, mental (gaslighting) and sexual.

Hand on heart the emotional (criticism, belittling, raging) and the mental (gaslighting) were far and away the most painful and continue to be so. I have scars on my face from where he hit me but they are nothing compared to the scars
underneath that can’t be seen.

Recently the police officer did a bit gaslighting & victim blaming and it has honestly sent me off into a black hole of mental anguish/rage/self hate and physical symptoms too.

The wounds of phycological abuse are painful indeed. Much more so than the physical abuse and that
included (but isn’t limited to)
1) breaking my ribs
2) kicking me in the head – and I mean a full on kick
3) smashing a glass in my face
4) Head butting me and breaking my nose
5) Kicking me so hard (me on floor-full swing kick) the bruise on my leg was a foot wide, raised, an evil
colour and so painful
6) Smashing my new glasses on my face (detail removed by Moderator) resulting in nasty
cut right across my head

These all pale into insignificance compared with the hidden pain. x

[Same-again]

I will ruin you and your family
I will burn your car
I will burn your house
You will need to change your name
You will spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder
You will live in purgatory
Your life will not be worth living
You are a drunk
You are mentally ill
I will send people round to your parents address to tell them
about some previous abuse from a close family member (30+ years ago)
I will send people round to the family members address
I will contact their children online
I will lie about everything and make you out to be the abuser
I will tell details of our sex life but twist it so that I look like a deviant
I will make you out to be a whore and shame you in court with all the vileness I possess

It felt good to write all that, kinda cathartic. Phew.

Happy Sunday to you all. xxx

[Same-again]

The R word as I think of it in my head.

I still can’t say it/think it/hard to acknowledge it.

Strange isn’t it. No is no. Should be no.

Had an awful meeting yesterday with the police – some nasty victim blaming going on. Alas I can’t go into detail – for me that bit is heartbreaking – that I can’t share with the ladies on this forum. The ladies who get it, don’t judge just support. Thank you WA for this forum.

Anyways, enough of that. Glad to hear it’s not just me. I literally dance around it. The incident (sounds like I peed myself), when he forced himself on me (errr), the time I gave a statement… Ridiculous and funny. The R word.

The police say it’s hard (indeed) because you were having a sexual relationship with him. No shit sherlock.. so that means I can never say no? Really?!

Pah. Bollocks to them and all those who think that way. When I say no I mean it. No.

[Same-again]

I thought the same about my ex-husband but it’s so true when people say the only person who can effect change is oneself.

Also, does he deserve your support? Your loving kindness? Most probably not. The abuse is nowt to do with the drinking, it’s a smokescreen.

So even if (big if) he stopped drinking you’ve still got an abusive toe rag to deal with..

We do deserve so much more… and while were using our energy on those lost causes we are depriving ourselves of joy and happiness.

xx

[Same-again]

I did too, feel guilty. That’s because we’re fundamentally nice people who’ve been left with no option. It is a choice and he chose to abuse you because he felt entitled to do so. They also think (alas they are often right) that there would be no sanctions.

He will be blaming you trust me. Mine did/has. They are predictable as you say KIP.

xXx

[Same-again]

Like the CS Lewis quote KIP. Just wanted to say thanks for all your lovely and supportive posts & replies.

Funny thing was I was having a mini meltdown – my dealings with the police seem so confusing and frustrating.

Anyways, your post cheered me up – was nearly sending a txt to say forget it (police/prosecution) which I haven’t sent!

Deep breath. xXx

[Same-again]

Hi, decades of abuse….?! So many horrible scenes to process (or re-run atm) for you.

Be kind to yourself and remember his hate is just that. I sometimes think of the power play visually, it seems to help.

I see me and I have a warm glow, a light which emanates from me/my soul. That light isn’t as bright as it was but it’s still there. Then I see him, he is surrounded by a dark insidious mist and the dark mist is enveloping him, choking him. He looks on at my light and even though it is diminished he see’s that it will always be there and he cannot steal it or extinguish it.

My light and yours will endure and shine brighter as we journey along this path.

Their darkness also endures. Sometimes I wish he would put his cloak back on to shield me from that darkness. The cloak though is tatty and worn, I’m amazed I didn’t see it before.

They can’t escape their darkness but we can, we have. 🙂

[Same-again]

Love this post. Thank you so much for sharing it. Mine said so many vile criticisms and put downs that sometimes it’s hard to block his voice out of my head. Your post made me smile and feel hopeful. Thank you 🙂

[Same-again]

P.S. Not just sexual assault – the whole shebang of abuse.

[Same-again]

Hi there,

(detail removed by moderator) the last incident, there have been so many. Nasty, cruel, mean acts. Violence.

The latest was rape which was a new one (as in new abusive tactic) although he’d been having sex with me in my sleep all along. Weirdo.

I felt really guilty at first but thankfully the fog is clearing. I’m starting to see the times he’s manipulated me and I can see that his vile behaviour was intentional. It’s like a horrible movie playing over and over and the clearer the picture becomes the harder it is to face it.

It is sooo up and down though I agree.

To Dolly, I wish I had given a statement before. I’d have saved myself some truly horrendous abuse and pain.

Take care. x

[Same-again]

P.S. No, I would not wish it upon my worst enemy. The fact that we (women mostly) suffer this is a sad indictment on society in general.

Oh, hear me. I’ve been doing the pity party for a few weeks. Nice to hear me sounding more rational. xxx

[Same-again]

Titanium, get out. RUN.

Me too – honest, open. With normal people that isn’t bad.

I know. Horrid. They are. Sorry.

You aren’t alone.

Big hug to you/and me. W*****s. Excuse the language.

Titanium – take care and good luck. xxx Be your namesake.

[Same-again]

Also, you probably know this already but your upbringing means you (me too) are so much more likely to experience domestic abuse. Sad isn’t it. We often don’t have clear or strong enuf boundaries and are already struggling with shame/lack of self respect/self blame.

We must present as the perfect victim. Damn. Bastards. Sorry Lisa, excuse my language.

P.S. Like the name. Very strong titanium. xxx

[Same-again]

Hi Titanium,

In case you were wondering, he’s defo a wrong un. Please be very careful about what you disclose. THEY love us to disclose our history/secrets/weak spots. Then they use them against you. Mine did. It’s a thing they do I’m afraid.

In some ways the only definition that matters is how does he make you feel?

Does he lift you up and make you feel special…?

Anger & personnel issues do contribute to why people are abusive but it’s ALWAYS A CHOICE. Their choice.

Perhaps if you could give some examples of his behaviour?!

Got to say, the fact that you’re on here and asking the question almost always means YES.

XXX

[Same-again]

The relationship is a dictatorship and you need to do as you’re told?!

What the actual f**k. Argh….. run. Get out of that shitty situation if you can.

You wake up and think ‘I don’t want to be here’ is your answer ie NO – you don’t want to there/with him.

IT DOES NOT IN ANYWAY sound like he’s changed.

I’m so mad for you on the ‘you will do as you’re told’. Fuck you/him/them. Grrrrrrr.

WHO.DOES.HE.THINK.HE.IS?

Also, they’re not minor things. Just saying. 🙂

[Same-again]

P.S. Not a lifetime I guess 🙂

Am taking my own advice and being less critical of me. A work in progress.

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