seaglass

[seaglass]

Hi, yes I have done it via zoom. I was actually still in my relationship when I started it but it gave me the courage/ information and support to get him to go. I found it very helpful and the other woman on it were so supportive.

[seaglass]

@living warrior thank you so much for this information – really helpful as it lays it out very clearly. I think, for me having this kind of information is really valuable. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a prohibited steps order.
I understand now, as I had a chat with woman’s aid last week that as it is my house I’m automatically the parent in residence so I can lay out what access he has. This in itself feels odd as I’m not sure how confident I am telling him what I think is best. But they advised I write it in an email so this is my starting point. Thanks again.

[seaglass]

Hi, I was / am in the same situation. It’s my home , we are not married and we have a child. I spoke to a solicitor to ascertain he had no hold or right over anything. I felt it would have been easier for me to leave, but it’s my home, it’s my child’s home, he has not invested anything into it. I tried a couple of times to get him to go , amicably, for space for us to think etc he would never leave. Eventually one weekend some things he said really scared me, not physically, just psychologically and emotionally and I knew I had to do it. I put dog and child in car and went to school to drop him off for the day. I then spoke to the head teacher and asked if I could stay in the school grounds while I made phone calls etc as I was worried he would follow me. I then called woman’s aid who advised me to go and speak to the school as if they knew they could make it a safeguarding issue and I could get help / support quicker if needed than they could offer. I also phoned the police to tell them I was going to ask him to leave but wasn’t sure of his reaction- they came and did a risk assessment and logged my concerns and put a marker on the house so if he was difficult it would be high priority ( he has never been physical before but I am aware that can change). I wasn’t sure how to tell him, considered getting someone to be with me but as it transpired he drove past me and stopped so we had the conversation through open car windows. I just told him he needed to go as he frightened me. Of course he argued, was rude to me etc etc but I just kept repeating it and then drove off. He went home and thought about it and wouldn’t go, not for hours and hours. He wouldn’t leave till he’d seen our child, I eventually relinquished on that, probably unwisely, but then he did actually go. It’s all been pretty difficult since then as I am so bad with my boundaries but, having had the locks changed, I at least feel safe in my own home and whilst this situation is up and down and ongoing at least it feels like my house again. Sorry for the ramble, it is possible for sure but just make sure you put support in place. School have been amazing at the support shown to me and my child .
Also we have not sorted contact/ custody officially yet. I’m worried about how to proceed with that but have an appointment with woman’s aid next week. I don’t want to do it face to face as for some reason whilst everyone else I know believes me to be eloquent, intelligent reasonable and rational the minute I’m with him I feel terrible and unreasonable and slightly unhinged! I don’t think mediation is advisable when there is abuse involved though I could have got that wrong so I’m not sure of my next step, and I’m also very worried he will get 50/50 which is what he says he wants. But he doesn’t think hes done anything wrong……
I am glad you posted as it has pushed me to respond, I wanted to write something about the fact I had managed to get him to go as the support on here when I originally posted last year was brilliant and so helpful, but I hadn’t been able to get in the head space to write. I hope maybe some of this helps, speak to woman’s aid and solicitors etc – for me having information was really important. I have not got a non molestaion order but know how to, the police have my information logged as a ‘ non crime’ but I know that if anything escalates then I have already spoken to them. School know so therefore it’s another place I have reported it.

[seaglass]

Hi, I just wondered, as you have children, if you had mentioned it to school? They may be able to, through safeguarding, offer you some help and support?

[seaglass]

I spoke to school, they were really kind, really helpful and supportive. I felt a bit vulnerable opening up to them but I’m glad I did, this was during the first lockdown so I spoke to them in person at a distance. I hope you get the support you need.

[seaglass]

Thank you both for replying. I think it’s because I had, for the first time ever, apologies and tears. It completely threw me, because I hate seeing people sad, I have sat with it as my initial reaction was to start thinking how we could fix things but there is also a part of me that is like this is the newest tactic as nothing else was working. I’m so confused, but my body doesn’t want to respond to him, even to talk much, the lady from WA had a name for this but I forget what it was.
But in spite of all the I’m sorrys when our child was being angry and shouting at me he still did not step in to back me up. There is too much of that ‘non action’. Which feels like condoning aggressive behaviour and undermining me at the same time in such a clever insidious way.

[seaglass]

Hi, I managed to get through to my local womans aid ( not the national line) and they were able to set me up with a solicitors telephone appointment where I got 20 minutes free advice, That may be worth a go? I hope you can get some more advice, help.

[seaglass]

Well mine denies it’s silent treatment or stonewalling…..he says it’s simply disengaging from my ‘rubbish’.
At the beginning of our relationship I used to desperately try and find out what was wrong, what I had done, I’d apologise, even though I’d done nothing but after a few days I was so brain addled I thought maybe I had?
It felt like when he had ‘punished me enough’ or needed something he would then suddenly come round. By this time I had usually apologised as well.
He can’t see it’s wrong, and even worse when he’s doing it on front of our son, as he basically disengages from him too which is highly confusing.

[seaglass]

@clarityneeded I recognise so much of what you have written, I know exactly what I need to do, I have no idea why I can’t actually do it. I hope you can get brave soon too x

[seaglass]

This is also how I feel, I just can’t summon the courage or something. I went away with my child last week to stay with a friend and it was great, my child was beautifully behaved and happy and there was a feeling of lightness, I think because I felt better. I almost feel it would be easier to go than to try and get my partner to leave, I feel bad about doing it, I feel sad for him. It’s crazy, only last week I felt intimidated by the way he spoke to me, nothing nasty but that’s the whole issue, small jibes and words and the manner in which he does it which causes me anxiety, but then that anxiety leads to doubt.
Those who have asked them to leave, was it ok? Did they make it difficult whilst still in your home? Was it confusing if you have children that they were they but you weren’t together ?
Sorry for so many questions, I have to do this and I can’t find my moment.

[seaglass]

Hi, I don’t know, not quite the same but I get bombarded with questions, over and over, if I don’t answer he keeps asking. If i do answer he doesn’t like my reply, or my facial expression.Its endless and exhausting.
He keeps telling me he reads people really well so if i frown or squint or just anything really he will tell me its because I don’t care, or can’t be bothered etc etc And yes, similar in that he will deny ever having asked or discussed something before, I’ve almost given up standing up for myself as it just leads to an argument.

[seaglass]

Thank you for taking the time to reply, it is so appreciated and helpful in reminding me I am not alone.
I think he has ‘trained’ me ( or I have allowed my self to be trained) to believe I am really unreasonable and difficult, so I dare not expect much of him. I feel quite intimidated and anxious tonight as he has swung from asking pleasant practical questions to challenging me on something. I have not responded, I know this frustrates him hugely and am sure he will keep at it until I crack and then there will be a ‘discussion’ where it will be all turned around on me. It is ok to not respond? Im trying to keep myself feeling emotionally strong and the minute I let him in he twists and turns and constantly tells me how awful it is for him.

@beautifulday I have also spoken to a solicitor, just in case , as i Think he will not be happy unless he gets 50/50 childcare, with our son who spends as much time as possible with me, though he of course thinks thats my fault rather than his as he considers he is a great dad.

[seaglass]

Hi, I have recently spoken to 2 solicitors, the first one through my local woman’s aid, which was a free telephone appointment. I asked a similar question as The house we live in is not my partners at all, he has no claim over it so legally. However we are not married so I don’t know if this changes anything? My local WA were really good though, and I very quickly was able to get some free legal advice, so they may be a good starting point.

[seaglass]

I think it’s fear that it’s my fault, that I then become the baddie to our child. That maybe I’ve been overly dramatic. I actually think if I was the one going I would find it easier. He’s been taking advantage of our living situation for years yet I feel the unreasonable one. He knows none of this is ok and yet still stays without any apparent conscience, doing all the nice stuff with our child, never the ‘parenting’ stuff and he’s on best behaviour ‘dad’ wise.

[seaglass]

Thank you for all this information. I have had a look. I’m still stuck, with no reason other than my own fear that I have done nothing. All I need to do is tell him to go, and I don’t know why I can’t.

[seaglass]

Braelynn – thank you and thank you also for ‘the hook’ post. Much appreciated x

[seaglass]

Gosh, I feel so the same. I’m frozen. I’ve spoken to everyone I need to, I know what I need to do. But I feel bad for doing it when at this moment in time he is not doing anything ‘wrong’.
I’m boring myself with the lack of oomph, I just need to jump and I can’t quite do it……

[seaglass]

@rubymurray Well done! May I ask what you decided regarding the child contact ?

[seaglass]

Thank you – I have only just seen this post. Yes i listened to the exact same book on Audible! I have found it so hard as it has been a really slow steady drip feed of stuff, never really bad enough for me to really sit up and take notice but a gradual eroding of my life and confidence which i thought was all my fault. x

[seaglass]

Thank you, this was a free chat but I have now booked a telephone appointment with a fixed fee. I will get my list together! Thanks again.

[seaglass]

Thank you, yes this is the beginning of what i see happening. My beautifully kind and sensitive little boy becoming aggressive and verbally rude to me, only me and generally only when it is me and his dad around. That is what worries me most, I have a feeling he is also looking for approval from his Dad maybe? Until this last week or 2 his Dad would also sit and observe this behaviour in silence and if i suggested he back me up when i was telling our son that it was not ok to hit or shout at me or anyone he would say it was up to me to tell him and that he didn’t do it to him!

[seaglass]

Sorry I have only just seen these replies. Thank you so much. He is still here, I will look at the book and that chapter and also, thank you Balloons that is helpful. I have delayed slightly but that is me bucking up the courage, Im just not sure what to say, which sounds daft. He’s being well behaved so I don’t have that opportunity when he says something terrible to respond.

[seaglass]

Hi, I am in a similar position and can’t seem to find out much. I had a telephone appointment for some legal help through the local woman aid and she reccomended an APP you can use to make arrangements to avoid talking etc. But I am unsure how to work out the contact etc – legally it seems that the suggestion is to do it amicably but I think my partner will push for 1/2 and 1/2 care which if it were just an usual situation may work but I don’t know that it is appropriate for him to have our child for 50% of the time, and I’m not sure I want him to. So what then? I have another appointment with a solicitor on (detail removed by Moderator) to find out more, but I don’t feel I can ask him to go until I understand how it may all pan out.

[seaglass]

Thank you x

[seaglass]

Hi,but how do you go no contact with the child? Doesn’t that cause an issue straight away with his rights? So confused as solicitor I spoke to through local woman’s aid said to keep it out of courts and if he was ‘ safe’ with his dad then to just co parent. Should I get more legal advice?

[seaglass]

Thank you fir the helpful advice. I ended up not doing anything (detail removed by moderator) as unfortunately had to have my (detail removed by moderator) put to sleep. I have an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow so will take advice from her. It’s just so weirdly mellow and quiet here that I feel like I’m the bad one doing something wrong. Thanks again

[seaglass]

Thank you! It’s madness going on in my head, I’ve got friends and support people I’ve sooken to all saying he’s a bully and it’s emotional abuse yet I’m still doubting I’m right.

[seaglass]

Hi, I did it through my local womans aid. I had spoken to them a few times and they suggested it would be really helpful for me. It was on Zoom with a group and someone leading it. I didn’t pay anything so not sure if what you have seen is different? Maybe worth giving your local WA a call and enquiring, I hope that helps x

[seaglass]

@ISOPeace thank you! Can i ask – do you know regarding legal stuff, can you just get a solicitors letter outlining what contact/ access you think is in your childs best interest without actually going to court? I don’t want to discuss face to face as I know he will just push and shove for what he wants and i will feel powerless and unreasonable . But i don’t know how to go about it? I see mentioned a lot on here to make sure you are the resident parent, but how do you do that? My solicitor originally told me that as my childs address is my address and therefore the one at the doctors, school etc that i didn’t need to do anything else. I have people telling me I’m obviously the main carer and always have been, but that in itself won’t stop him believing he should have him 50% of the time and he also does not think he has done anything wrong! I find that hard to get my head around as it make me feel worried that I can not prove anything and therefore I don’t have any greater right than he to say what is best for our child.

[seaglass]

Oh mh word, Kip this piece you have written above about being bombarded with responsibilities…I hadn’t thought of this but it is exactly my world. He then has had the audacity to suddenly say he needs to blitz the kitchen as its so dirty or that i don’t really do anything around the house and suddenly ( for a day) becomes domestic. It always triggers me as i get defensive, it has been happening for years, and then he has got me as I bite to stand up for myself.

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