WalkerInTheRain

[WalkerInTheRain]

I kept a diary before I left so every time I doubted myself, I read a section to remind me of some of the awful things he did. I struggled with reading or following anything on TV for a while so I started hand sewing. They were only little fabric yo-yos but eventually they all joined together to be a beautiful table runner (plus there’s something very satisfying about stabbing something thousands of times).
I reconnected with friends and things I used to enjoy doing before obstacles were put in my way. Those little freedoms and space to breathe cemented in my mind that it was so much better to be alone than lonely in bad company.
The biggest cutting of ties was doing something new that I’d thought about for a long while. I joined a choir and met some gloriously lovely people. This was something that was just mine without the stain of someone telling me I couldn’t/shouldn’t. Choir has given me some wonderful experiences and taken me to places I’d never have had the opportunity to otherwise.

I’ve probably made this sound easy
It wasn’t. Some days it was very much baby steps. Some days I had to leave the temptation of the mobile phone elsewhere. Some days were broken up into getting through each hour.
Our brains want to protect us from the hurt and trauma but it can help in the doubtful moments to reflect on some of the reasons you have left.

[WalkerInTheRain]

BDSM activities, whilst based on power play, should always have enthusiastic consent and absolute trust.
The things to examine would be if you were ever badgered and coerced into doing things you’d said you weren’t comfortable with, safe words were used and not listened to or if you were taken past pre-agreed limits. Also, if you ever expressed discomfort, was this listened to or denied and minimised?
If they’ve done any of these things, what they have done isnt right.

[WalkerInTheRain]

I was miserable and ground down for ages and it took my friend to open my eyes to his behaviour. It still took months of hemming and hawking and careful preparation before I left.
For me it was reaching that rock bottom and realising that there was no amount of anything I could do to improve the situation as it stood. A couple of other things also happened to cement my plans; a friend sadly died in their early 30’s and I thought “if that was me, would I be happy with what I’ve achieved in life” and a colleague said she was marrying her best friend and I couldn’t even have a proper conversation with my husband let alone consider him as a friend.
I also kept an event diary for a few months before leaving and that was a huge support every time I doubted myself because I could refer back to it and drink in some of that anger and indignation to spur me forwards.

[WalkerInTheRain]

I tried that ‘getting on with it’ philosophy and I just ended up crashing and burning.
Trauma isn’t going to be resolved by stoically carrying on as if everything was normal.
Your friend probably wants to see you happy but these things take time.

[WalkerInTheRain]

I used to think my situation wasn’t bad enough to seek help until I kept a secret diary and it opened my eyes to the horror. Our brains shield us from the worst of things to try and protect ourselves.

Support is there for everyone.

You can absolutely be happy again. What if you lived into your 90’s. Could you survive more decades of this? You deserve happiness and all that comes with it.

[WalkerInTheRain]

Oh god. So much of this has resonated!

We rarely went on holiday together as he seemed to have a preference for using his annual leave to sit in his underpants all day. So many times I’d have time off work and spend it alone somewhere in the UK (I later found out he was tracking my phone so he knew exactly where I was).
When we did go away it was always rediculously expensive. Taking out a personal loan for five years expensive. Everything that went well was his doing (even if I suggested it or organised it) and everything that he wasn’t happy with was my fault. Quite often it was like holidaying with an oversized toddler. Of course, it was MY responsibility to make sure he’s packed enough underpants and topped up with sunscreen!!!

[WalkerInTheRain]

I can have a bath without someone bursting in to pour cold water on me, dunk my head under the water, threaten to put my phone in the water or accuse me of touching myself (instead of servicing him)
I can get dressed without being called fat and discusting, without having photos taken of me to ‘prove’ how disgusting I am, without being forced to (detail removed by moderator).
I can sleep soundly without the treat of being sexually assaulted or without being kept awake or pushed out of bed.
I can spend my money how I want
I can pursue hobbies without being told I’m sh!t at everything and I shouldn’t bother
I can see my friends and family without being told how they’re not good for me
I can move freely without my movements being tracked on my phone

And many other things…

[WalkerInTheRain]

I get numbness and pins and needles down one side of my face. Took me a while to connect it to being strangled and smothered.

I’m reading The Body Keeps the Score at the moment and it explains the physiological changes our brains go through during trauma.

[WalkerInTheRain]

This echoes the relationship with my perpetrator so much.
He was hardly ever angry but would seemingly take pleasure in shoving, slapping, biting, strangling, smothering etc. If I objected then it was dressed up as a joke or I was accused of being too sensitive.

It is definitely abuse though and strangling is high risk behaviour. It’s designed to question yourself and your perceptions and also to ‘keep you in line’ as he’s demonstrated some of the things he’s capable of.

The tension is part of the abuse cycle. Sometimes we do something we know will provoke them as, although the consequences are awful, the tension of not knowing the retaliation can be worse and it’ll hopefully lead back to a honeymoon stage. The cycle will keep repeating itself through.

I wouldn’t say much to him at the moment. Try and talk to one of the advisors when you can do so safely xx

[WalkerInTheRain]

The first moment I started to look at his behaviour was when one of my colleagues said she was going to marry her best friend.
Friends? We might as well have been strangers. I was never allowed to express any emotions and we never did anything together. I was so deeply unhappy that I couldn’t be myself with the man that I married.

Secondly, I started to secretly record all the incidents. I’d decided I wanted to leave if only to alleviate the ingrained misery. This diary opened my eyes to the extent, severity and patterns of abuse and gave me the catalyst to go. I could see in black and white that the abuse was escalating. If I ever doubted my experience, I could refer back and remind myself that it really was a living nightmare.

[WalkerInTheRain]

I’d write lists of things I needed to do. Having even the tiniest task written down helped keep me functioning day to day when my brain was too noisy.
I maintained a hobby and set myself little challenges. I have two hobbies that are quiet and solitary and were useful when I just wanted to empty my mind.
After I’d finished active treatment, if I had any nightmares or flashbacks I’d try to use some of the techniques from CBT. It wasn’t always easy and I didn’t always have the time to go into that memory but if I did manage to pick it apart, it would either reduce the intensity or recurrence of that particular incident.
I also try to be clear with people if their behaviour is likely to cause problems or politely excuse myself before it goes full blown although this isn’t always possible.

The biggest part was accepting it was a process and (detail removed by moderator) years of crap wasn’t going to resolve itself with a standard course of NHS therapy.

[WalkerInTheRain]

Date only when you are ready.
Sometimes we can get caught up in what ourselves or other people think we should be doing with our lives post abuse.
Being advocated to get ‘get back out there’ can not only be misguided but also dangerous.

Have you been through the Freedom Program? It’s useful for spotting the warning signs for potential abusers.
When you are ready to date, take some time to think about what you want from a relationship and what behaviours/attitudes will be unacceptable to you. There will be some compromise but you don’t have to settle for less than you want and deserve.
There are plenty of weirdos online and you’ll be able to weed some of them out fairly quickly.
If you do want to meet up with someone, coffee in town is always a good idea as it’s in public, it can be as short (if it’s horrific) or can lead onto a longer date if it’s going well.
Trust your gut and don’t be afraid to say “thanks but no thanks”.

[WalkerInTheRain]

I was starting to get completely seized up by anxiety, I couldn’t focus, was getting flashbacks and couldn’t sleep properly.
It was hard (I nearly walked out of the waiting room) but I did approach my GP.
I’d avoided antidepressants for so long as I didn’t want to admit defeat or appear weak but they really have helped me. I’m not farting sparkles and rainbows but some of the fog has cleared, the anxiety has lowered and I can think more clearly.

PTSD is incredibly common after an abusive relationship; you’ve been living with live ammunition, putting all your energy into trying to prevent it exploding.

[WalkerInTheRain]

So many times I acquiesced just to keep the peace. It was easier to give in than face a tide of insults.
It wasn’t uncommon for me to wake up to find him touching me intimately in the early hours of the morning.

I could never win though; if I didn’t want it I was fridgid and if I did, I was a wh*re.

I was an object to be utilised at his will.

[WalkerInTheRain]

I don’t have any children but I have had the ‘pleasure ‘ of reading a CAFCASS report.
You are in a more favourable position if there is any evidence of abuse; police logs, doctors statements, non-mol’ order. All too often the man will deny any abuse and there’ll be a ‘finding of fact’ hearing where both sides get their say.
On balance, you have not denied visitation just merely placed some restrictions on caring for a very young child. HE has chosen not to continue with visitation. Wouldn’t most people put up with a bit of family politics to see their child?

Agencies can be a pain in the bum but they can also be an ally. The trick to dealing with them is to try and stay calm and focus on your child’s wellbeing.

I’m sure others can provide more guidance.

[WalkerInTheRain]

Well done for making that first step. I know it takes an unbelievable amount of strength to do what you’ve done.
He hasn’t hit you but he has still subjected you to physical abuse. Strangling is very high risk behaviour.

There is a very high chance that he hasn’t gone to work. My ex rushed straight home after I’d text him (I’d been gone hours by that point).
I wouldn’t risk going there on your own. I say this not to frighten you but to make you aware of the dangers. Leaving an abuser is the point where you are most at risk of a more violent attack as he lost control of you. He may use the Mr Nice Guy routine to lure you in.
Speak to the helpline on how best to keep yourself safe at this time.

[WalkerInTheRain]

I think they make that accusation during a relationship to restrict your movements and isolate you from people. If you get a load of grief for going to see a friend, eventually it becomes easier to not do that activity to save a barrage of accusations.

As for afterwards, it can’t possibly be their behaviour that’s caused you to leave. They are so perfect!
When they can no longer control us, they try to control what the people around think of us.

[WalkerInTheRain]

I realised yesterday just how much life has changed.
I had an invasive procedure done and was feeling pretty uncomfortable. I was allowed to rest in peace, someone made my dinner for me, I was allowed to express my fears and concerns without a commentary of put downs and expletives. Aaaaaand relax 🙂

[WalkerInTheRain]

It sounds like you need an outlet for your experiences.
Have you had any counselling since you left?
It’s still relatively early days for you and the emotional repercussions can come in waves.
It may be possible that you have PTSD (obsessive thoughts and nightmares are symptoms) which is incredibly common after being in an abusive relationship. There are a number of different therapeutic options to treat it.

For me I try to stick to a sleep/wake routine even if I feel shocking. I avoid caffeine in the evening and I restrict alcohol.
Quiet activities before bed help me wind down; sewing, colouring in, reading.

[WalkerInTheRain]

When abusers can no longer control us they try to control what the people around us think of us.
You will be wasting your time trying to prove to people that you are the good person. The people that don’t matter will either believe his lies or they’ll sit on the fence (which only validates him further).
Keep your head up and plough your focus into yourself and your children.
I asked people not to report back to me with updates as we were free to live our own new lives.

Abusers use a new relationship to ‘prove’ that they’re the good guy both to the people around them and sadly to CAFCASS/courts as well. They’ll have manipulated this new person to do a lot of their bidding while they sit back smugly with their hands behind their heads. Once he’s achieved his next goal, she’ll be on the receiving end of his abuse.

[WalkerInTheRain]

For an abuser to change would involve them changing their entire core belief system.
A few sessions with a counsellor wouldn’t make you or I believe that paedophillia or animal cruelty is acceptable as in our core beliefs these things are abhorrently wrong.
Abusers believe they are entitled to hold power and control over other people/things and that they are the centre of the universe.
As others have said, they may change their tactics but fundamentally they still want that power.

[WalkerInTheRain]

Are you still together Tinkerbell?

I had to turn a lot of the location services off on my mobile phone as he’d installed an app that allowed him to track my movements.
I also changed all my passwords. I don’t use check in services on social media and have blocked him in every way possible.

[WalkerInTheRain]

I know it feels hard for you but do you know what I see in this post?
I see that your son sees you as a safe place. That he feels comfortable and confident confiding in you.
That, despite someone trying to ruin you and your familial relationships, you still have this close relationship with your son.
This is testament to your strength to rise up against someone hell bent on trying to destroy you and for fighting for what is right.

Your sons current mental health problems may be part of living in an abusive relationship but equally, it may be completely unrelated.
What’s important is that he has chosen you to walk by his side.

[WalkerInTheRain]

Do said bank have a twitter account?
Sometimes it’s the only time large companies sit up and take action these days.

[WalkerInTheRain]

My ex used to ‘tickle’ me and would make out I was overreacting if I complained. In reality, he’d hold both my wrists in one hand, restrain my legs with one of his and would the rasp his knuckles on my ribs until I was wheezing.
He later escalated to smothering me with pillows and later his bare hands.

Abusers like power and control over anyone. They have to be number one.

The helpline is there for any victims of abuse; current or historic. It’s difficult to comprehend and can take a long time to process. They can signpost you in the direction of further assistance.

[WalkerInTheRain]

Are you involved with my ex???

We all make jokes and sometimes we step over the line. However, if it’s made clear it’s upsetting, then most people would apologise and never repeat the “joke”.
These aren’t jokes. They are carefully constructed to undermine your confidence and cause confusion in one swoop.
He’s not treating you with dignity and respect and he’s trying to coerce you into what may be fraudulent benefit claims. He may also use this against you in the future to silence you “if you don’t do x then I’ll report you”.

I used ADHD as an excuse for my ex’s behaviour for years but it was just something to divert my attention away from what was most definitely abuse.

[WalkerInTheRain]

Yes, this was definitely a physically abusive relationship.
He sounds quite dangerous and calculating if he’s willing to force you into submissive positions and restrain you.
I’m guessing it wasn’t his own belongings that he threw around and broke?

None of this is your fault and you have done nothing to warrant his behaviour. This is entirely his choice in order to retain power and control over you.

Have you phoned the helpline? They can help you understand your situation and what your options are.

[WalkerInTheRain]

I’ve read a lot since I left, Bubblegum. It’s helped me to understand how I came to be in an abusive relationship, to understand it wasn’t my fault and to learn how to avoid another abusive relationship in the future.
I’ve re-read certain books as I couldn’t take it all in to start with.
I have found it useful to connect with other survivors as it’s made the journey a lot less lonely and isolated.

[WalkerInTheRain]

He will have the appearance of changing initially but he will soon start to manipulate and abuse her.
Think back to how he treated you when you first entered into a relationship.
Were you put on a pedestal? Were you told all the wonderful things you wanted to hear?
If our abusers were horrible from day one we’d probably have run a mile on the first date.
Once he’s hooked her in, he’ll start his regime.

Have you been on the Freedom Program? I’ve found it really helpful in understanding the behaviours of abusers and spotting the red flags. Once you have the knowledge, perpetrators really are quite transparent.

[WalkerInTheRain]

Personally, I would send her an email politely advising her that you don’t not wish to discuss your relationship with her, you do not appreciate her turning up at your door and request that she refrain from contacting you in the future.

If she continues, then consider reporting her behaviour to the police. Yes, she’s going to stick up for her little precious (he’s more than likely twisted the version of events) but she is continuing his harassment of you.

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