anna

[anna]

sending a hug, its horrible when you try to tell someone how you feel and they dont seem to get it especially when its a health professional.
Excema is so uncomfortable and itchy and sore and then everything feels even more horrible. I hope the cream works and also if it can be hidden under clothing so you dont feel self concious some soft bandages to help stop the air getting to it and the itching. Sometimes different foods can trigger it like milk if you have an allergy or things like dust mites. And your mum is probably right about the excema being caused by stress also that will flare it up.
I am sorry you are having such a rough time thinking about your ex totally understandable to think about how horrible it was and to feel nervous or triggered around certain times of the year. As time passes it will get more liveable with but in the meantime be kind to yourself and do lots of kind loving things for yourself take care

[anna]

oh thats so lovely. its so nice in this difficult time when you will be very stressed about that upcoming date that your sister would surprise you in such a lovely way. And like you say its the emotional support that is the great thing.
I have a lovely sis in law that is nice like that too. Hurray for lovely sisters!!!! Have a fab rest of the day and enjoy those cupcakes!!!!!!

[anna]

Thats so wonderful that everything is starting to work out. Keep up your yoga and other mindful things as so helpful for you!
its hard to know about the furniture. If you buy something new like a bed they usually for a small charge will put it in the room you want. And it might be worth in the first instance to buy small things like a chair, fold up small table as these are lighter to carry if you have to and keep costs down while you are job hunting because if the job hunting goes well you will beable not only to get more things but pay a company to bring the things.
And the other thing is as you get more confident and go out and about you make friends and friends usually are happy to help occassionally. For instance once when we moved my husbands best friend kindly helped empty our house and bring our furniture to our new house and recently when i went away my neighbour offered to water my container plants in my garden. In turn i am happy to help others.
it sounds like its going really well and im so pleased you look like you are also going to have a decent landlord. keep us posted and let us all know how the job interview goes I have my fingers crossed for you!

[anna]

That is very sad flashback but very brave you managed to get him out. I have no experience of the courts but i agree it seems really hard to procecute. You are right i think that we are in a male dominated society my theory is that it starts in childhood when we teach our children that girls are weak, not as clever as men and are just there to be pretty and men are taught they have to be manly and not show their feelings. We do this in unknowing ways such as telling boys not to cry and man up and telling girls they are only allowed to be interested in makeup. That sort of thing. obviously a trivial example but you get where im coming from! There was a hugely interesting programme i saw the other day of how we inadvertantly influence our children with these automatic subconcious beliefs and how negative that is. on the surface it seems harmless but it causes problems down the line. What do you think?

[anna]

Hi you refer to your post as setback but actually its sounds like you are doing absoulutely fantastic and being very couragous! You are dealing with things really well and helping your teenagers to cope too. It does take a long time to recover but meanwhile you are doing all the right things you have also shown your children that abuse is not acceptable and you will no longer tolerate it. Poweful stuff! You will cry and be upset that is totally understandable in your curcumstances and not a sign of setback or any type of failure rather it shows you are starting to feel safe enough to process what happened to you. Keep posting!

[anna]

Hi I have had mixed experience with therapy, when i went years ago i saw a mental health nurse who obviously was not trained in trauma or domestic violence and it was a big mistake! I blurted out the extreme abuse that i had recieved and she actually said to me if you are lying the Sh**** will hit the fan! it was horrendous the next week when I was due to go i was very unwell with a cold and cancelled. Probably due to the stress! And the mental health nurse came to my home to speak to my husband to confirm if i was telling the truth. This was not said in so many words but when she came through the door she looked at me looking like death on the sofa and said ‘oh you are unwell!’. She also grilled my husband about my experiences ( totally ridiculous as how would he know about my childhood) all my husband could say was as he had witnessed abuse to me from my mum as an adult he would assume i had the same treatment in childhood ( he said words to that affect) So she then graciously ( yes i am being sarcastic!) allowed me to carry on therapy with her and i went because i was desparate and bizzarley even though she thought at first the abuse I was describing was extreme enough to assume i was lying I was then encouraged to stay with her with statments like it’ cant be that bad if you try and visit her once a week! so you get the rest of the week to yourself’.
After that i never told anyone for years only my husband knew. What was the point no one would believe me and even if they did the unwritten law of the universe is you never leave a parent honour your mother and father!
Eventually i went to a fantastic support group which i am still in for something else not abuse but it inadvertantly helped me as we deal with emotional stuff. There was still the wrong advice of stay with your mum and dad and give them boundaries( it seems there is still this universal invisible law of mum and dad can do whatever they like to you! ( but in fairness my friends in the group are not experts ) but they was so kind and really they are my main support i understand their limitations but i know i can ring someone and say i have had rubbish in the post and where they cant do anything as such they can say that must be horrible for you, have a hug! And emotional support goes a long way! I also eventually ended up with a lovely mental health nurse and after four years told her what was going on and even though not trained she believed me straight away and though she could not tell me what to do ( she isnt allowed to) was supportive enough that i was able to ring domestic support helpline and i was reassured that i had rung the right number as what i was describing was domestic violence and a criminal offense.
I also ended up having both NHS therapy and private paid therapy with trauma trained psychotherapists and they was brilliant. Validating supportive and most importantly believed me. I went for about 3 months as it was all i could afford. I now no longer see my mental health nurse or have medication.
So i guess i wanted to give you the good and bad experiences. I would recommend psychotherapy but i really strongly suggest they are trained in trauma or there is potential to have bad experience like i had. Also to be aware that my own experience and some friends i know found that going to a trained expert was fantastic and supportive but once you leave the therapy room you are back in real world with people who usually dont get it. So they quite often think or say things different from the experts its not that they are mean they just dont understand but if you can find someone supportive it helps. My group which is basically free apart from a small donation each week is a lifeline. Hope that helps my therapist cost £60 an hour I also had hypnotherapy/meditation with her meditation is a fantastic help to me. but mainly in my area prices start from £40 an hour

[anna]

Hi tiffany,
I would do wall of silence. Dont even bother saying to your friends to tell him you are fine. To be blunt he is not interested in your wellbeing but he is trying to reengage with you and get your friends to inadvertantly do his dirty work! plus he gets to look mr reasonable nice guy to your friends.
The best thing is polietly tell your friends you dont want to know about him. If they keep on change the subject if they repeatedly break your wishes on this ( im sure they wont when they understand) then maybe see less of that person your recovery comes first.

[anna]

Hi, (yes if its typical abusive behaviour and you know him well enough to feel its a tactic then it probably is!) its being done to upset you a case of you wont be seeing the kids at xmas for no good reason as he isnt either! He probably hates the perfectly reasonable request to have alternate xmas with the kids so wants to rile you up about it. My mum does similar rubbish.
Best thing as you said ignore it if you feel the kids are old enough to decide and that his mum is a safe person then let them go. chances are when he sees you seemingly not upset he will drop it or at least not pull that stunt in the future.
Meanwhile breathe a sign of relief that they may not be seeing their dad thats got to be good news and maybe make sure you plan to do something nice yourself over xmas like being with nice friends or family so it wont feel so horrible that hes doing this nonsense to you., if he goes ahead with it

[anna]

So sorry to hear about your frightening experiences.
I guess its hard to know that sometimes people want to hurt us and of course it would be hard to spot the red flag afterall we dont get up in the morning wanting to hurt people so its totally understandable that you would not see that bad behaviour would potentially get so severe with your partner.
I guess in regard to other women its hard but it sounds like you tried to do something and that is all you can do at the end of the day. I think now its processing your own feelings and being really kind to yourself you did your best and now you have to take care of yourself. I guess there is no right or wrong way of coping for me it is reaching out to a support group i go to i struggle with fear when my mum harrasses me and i have lots of guilt and shame so im trying hobbies and things like that. Before i wanted my feeling to change where i think now it might be better for me to accept i may have these feelings a long time. its hard isnt it but you are brave and should be proud you got out.

[anna]

I dont know really. I have been quite a while without being with my abusive mum. And i still think of it even though im better. I guess i will for a long time as i have stalking and harrassment. For me now im thinking of doing a course and working and that might help me and ive decided where possible to not tell my husband if i get stuff in the post as discussing something i cant change does not help. Though i have to say i respond better to the harrassement stuff like letters where at the beginning even seeing her handwriting freaked me out! so i guess it gets easier to live with as time goes on maybe.

[anna]

Well done serenity if they dont go call the police . Like kip said no experience is wasted the next people iron clad contract and they can pay full rent and totally no other people staying!
Just think every time you feel anxious because in the past if you set a boundary it was violated or worse you had a bad consequence from it remember you are in charge. Its your home and to be blunt you hold the cards!
Do you think it might be better to rent to a lady or younger person? it might be less intimidating and triggering? I find i am more anxious around women then men. Because my abuser was female.
I have also found time helps with our boundaries. At the beginning i was terrified to set them as when i was little if i did something wrong ( what my mum percieved wrong) she would threaten to kill me. So even if as an adult someone was doing something bad to me i could not say no..
A very sad example of that was once i sexually assulted and i knew what the perpetrator wanted to do but i was to scared to protect myself in the first instance as i was conditioned if you say no or fight you get in danger maybe even killed. This person was abusing a position of trust and i was definately not in danger of getting hurt or killed if i had said no . But my emotional response was fear so i did what the person wanted. And then bizarly with that conditioning i was brought up with i had the treatment i wanted to avoid I also felt shame after and stupid. but nowadays im different i say no straight off to anyone lol! over anything i dont want to do! And boy do i dig in if anyone trys to inappropriately challenge my right to say no!!
So i totally understand the boundary thing and i think your pretty awesome sticking up for yourself and getting these men out. take care
So

[anna]

Hi antimoth,
I have quite severe learning difficulty but hidden so you would not notice unless you ask me to do practical tasks and they can be very simple indeed but i struggle to learn and I dont learn instinctively. So an example would be my husband has to show me how to use garden tools even simple ones like secateurs basically everything has to be shown me once or i dont get how to use it! Also ive been pretty much sacked from every job i did because i cannot follow sequential instructions and get in trouble ive also been called lazy by my abusive mum and even though not diagnosed with autism i have different diagnosis i am really sure i am on autistic spectrum i speak very monologue and struggle to understand the give and take of a conversation its worse when im anxious.
Where for some people its hard for them to understand our difficulties and they irritated Thats ok not to understand ( it is absolutly not an exscuse to be abusive) its one thing for someone to think this relationship is not for me and even though that would be sad that is the right thing to do if you dont think the relationship is working. ( and that goes for any type of relationship) but quite another for someone to think they can hurt us because they have an excuse that we are annonying them or bizarley that our behaviour is being done on purpose!
It is not your fault and stress will make ‘tics’ or any ‘stimming’ behaviours more pronounced. Have you looked up any autism websites? im sure you have as you have been formally diagnosed.
No this is not your autism but your partner being abusive and using your autism as a feeble so called justification for his actions. Dont believe a word and well done for posting

[anna]

Thanks so much for your reply. I think you are right about my mum wanting a reaction. On one level i think her sending me stuff is actually more about proving to family that her smear campaign about me is true. Rather than getting me back into a relationship. Though if she could get me back and abuse me that would be the icing on the cake!
I think its an exercise in image and status damage control!
Its been enough of a length of time for my mum now to realise I might actually mean what i say about not seeing her ( At the beginning she indicated by her reaction that she thought i was just trying to argue with her)
and now she thinks oh if anna goes it might encourage the others to go so i better say she is bad.( i have a diagnosis of mental health issues but since leaving mum i am no longer in secondary mental health care and being taken off all meds) as funnily enough!!! i dont feel depressed or suicidal anymore! theres a surprise not!!!!but she has been saying anna is depressed blah, blah, but when my siblings see me well and happy and reacting totally normally her words ring hollow. So i know mum thinks i will send stuff to Anna to poke to see if she gets aggressive or angry thereby proving with evidence to the family of how its my fault!
My brother for a bit tried lowering contact with her hence why she and dad came to the house so in reality i think she would only be a real problem to me if one of the other siblings leave her. Judging by their reaction to my brother trying to assert himself . But theres no point getting worried about a future event that may but probably will not happen .
Thanks for your support.

[anna]

well done for staying strong and refusing to add your xs sister.
I know how upsetting this is getting 3rd party contact. The abusive person does this to wear you down and the implication is they have told this other mutual person that you are aquainted with that we are the horrible one, and it relys on the fact we dont want a bad reputation for being horrible, unforgiving, mad or whatever nonsense they have said about us. it is to get us to reengage with them so they rely on the fact we will want to justify or explain our actions because we dont want people thinking bad about us.
You know at the beginning i really worried what people would think of me and now i think let them think what they want as im free of the abuser!
it is hard though and so you should feel proud you held strong. it gets easier with time and of course the abuser will do it less when they dont get a reactiom.

[anna]

Hi sunshine,
its okay to share those feelings. I know what you mean. I was abused by my mum and when my husband says about his mum being loving and nice and how he could tell how much she loved him when she tucked him up in bed at night I feel like crying lol! I of course am so relieved and happy he had such a good relationship but boy does it emphasise i do not with my mum and dad!
Though like you said yourself you cannot tell on surface appearances what someones relationship is and like kip says we have to love ourselves first.
My husband is lovely and non abusive but i definately over rely on him to solve my problems and in the past thought he could fix everything. In fact my most recent post is about that very subject. But now i am learning since leaving my abusive relationship with my parents that even though its perfectly okay to go for support to my husband and his family I can also look after myself and make decisions for myself and get a job.
I think you are doing great and it sounds really positive the steps you are taking and the power to change course will really help im sure.

[anna]

Hi Sunshine,
Totally understand your feelings. Here are some suggestions to help with your thoughts about feeling like a loser. Here goes, be warned its quite a long list but you did ask! Oh and yes from my experience of myself and others I support in a self help group they help a lot. Please feel free to do any or none!

Start a meditation practice. ( dont worry I dont mean hours of silence in the lotus position unable to move!)
If you go on youtube they have thousands of guided meditations lasting from a couple of minutes to over 1 hour. These are guided. (Which I would recommend for a beginner) I suggest you try the sleep ones first as you have to go to bed every night and sleep so easy to do. Get snuggly and comfy in bed, set your alarm write a list of anything you need to do the next day so you can concentrate on the meditation. They have beautiful sleep meditations, floating among the stars, skating with a loved one in a skate park, walking on a beach, you name it. I have used these meditations for two years ( they are all free, though you can buy them too if you want) And wonderful, relaxing, full of imagination and most importantly fun. They have some for trauma and ptsd basically every problem you can possibly have as a human being will be covered by a guided meditation.
Within 4 to 8 weeks you will see a huge improvement in how you feel about things. It will also help you to sleep.
Though as you have commented on previous mental health issues avoid the meditations that focus on lucid dreaming, or spiritual ones that suggest out of body experience or meeting a spirit guide as that may make you feel anxious or worried. And in a very small amount of people can trigger a mental health issue. simply because they rely strongly on an imaganitive componant. But everything else go for!
Also i suggest listen to positive affimations but yet again avoid the ones that say I am confident, I am beautiful or whatever as that just reminds you dont feel like that at this moment! Instead go for ones that are bridging phrases such as ones that say I am becoming confident, I am becoming happier as they recognise how you feel now but allow you to see you can feel different in the future. (detail removed by Moderator)
Instead of setting yourself targits, I must go to the gym I must do such and such which will make you feel bad if you dont do them. (you need to be kind and compassionate to yourself. you have had a hard time.) instead of that think about being not doing.
An example about being not doing is to play ( yep im an adult suggesting to another adult to play) Get a big plastic box decorate it and put fun stuff in it that makes you feel good. My own has a scrapbook of photos of people i love photos of places i love images from magazines i like, anything to make me smile. I have a bubble blower, a cuddly toy, mindfulness colouring book a cd of nice music. Its yours do whatever you like hide it away if you may worry what people think.
Get out in nature if you dont want a long walk thats fine, The other afternoon i spent 2 hours watching bubblebees on the cornflowers in my garden.
If you are spiritual or religious you could go sit in an empty church or suitable religious building that aligns with your faith and take in the holy peace if not suitable with your beliefs find somewhere like a quiet wood, stream, or other place for quiet contemplation. ( the other day my husband and I saw a lady praying well we assume she was praying or meditating who knows! on a dramatic cliff top overlooking the sea!
Do something nice each day for another person. ( you sound like a lovely person) and when we do something nice for other people it reminds us we have value and are nice. ( im sure you do lots of nice things for people already, but dont give yourself credit for that or realise how tiny gestures make a huge impact on other people) Nothing time consuming or dramatic, just something small like letting a harrassed mum with a screaming child ahead of you in supermarket checkout. ( i remember a nice man holding my hand and getting me a cup of tea when i was struggling with depression, other people saw i was unwell at my self help group, i was sat with my head down and obviously struggling but he reached out and helped and i never forgot that kindness though he probably forgot all about it)
These are just some suggestions that people in my support group got me to do and I found this had a follow through in getting me to do the things i wanted in my case learning to garden, going to a hobby group, and now deciding to do study for a job i want to do. So now I pass on the suggestions that was given to me. Maybe one of them may resonate with you and you might want to try it. And if none of those things appeal thats okay too. Its mainly about reaching out to a community and knowing other people understand the boat you are in and care (which we do.)

[anna]

Hi Copperflame,

I think maybe that she will keep being abusive and will send you things regardless and think about, instead of sending her messages to stop, ( they usually send more as its about power and control) think about not opening and reading. So if for example she sends texts is there a way on your phone to block it. If you have emails can they go to a spam folder unread? if you get a letter and recognise her handwriting not to open and read? if you have a trustworthy partner for instance could they intercept the post or whatever and discretely remove offending item without telling you.
This is what I do with my mum. She is highly abusive and I get all sorts, but not reading the letters she sends not having a social media account having a safe telephone list which means my phone only rings out loud if its a person on my trusted list and if its a number i dont recognise I never pick up ( if its important they will leave a message) I can keep myself emotionally safe.
Basically your ex friend is having a fine old time of it sending you horrible stuff which you, by your understandanable reaction of the cease, sending me abusive texts message, are confirming they are being read.
I think its a good idea if you wish too to make a note of any contact and keep evidence such as having a drawer for any mail that is sent in case you want to take further action but please dont read!
At the beginning I opened and read things because I thought if someone sent me something I had to be polite and read it. But that is not true. if someone knocks on your door you dont have to answer, if someone sends a text you dont have to read, we make choices and have a right to decide who we want in our lives and what level of interaction. The other reason I read the things was i thought it would give me the inside take on my mums state of mind. What if she was threatening to beat me up and I missed the important warning! Well actually abusers are usually far to smart for that and also not very likely in advance to warn you. I am not sure if wether you are reading the messages for those similar reasons? If you think it would be to stressful not to read maybe you could hand everything over to your dv councillor and she could check it. That way you dont have to read the horrible stuff but feel safe too.
So sorry you are having a horrible time

[anna]

No Contact,
you handled that so well and more important by being calm and not arguing you have ‘modelled’ appropriate good behaviour to your daughter. If you had started arguing she would have focussed on the argument and not the issue behind it.
Your adult daughter probably knows what her Dad and gran is but probably cannot face it ( understandable as who wants to face that)
My son is the same. He knows exactly what his gran is as it was him that encouraged me to get out! But for him to face the truth would be painful. It would mean totally disconnecting from my side of the family. As like your husband no contact, my mum would influence my siblings not to see him and he is so kind hearted he would hate for people to think badly of him. Even if it was unfounded.
My attitude now is I am consistently supportive of his decisions with regard abusive family. ( I tell him he can tell me when he visits them or rings them if he wants to as I explained to him it would be horrible for him to feel he had to sneak about, (plus if i did that I would be being very dysfunctional.) I just ask him not to pass on their messages.
Basically I show him as much as I can with my behaviour that I love him more and want what makes him happy then acting on my dislike for them.
I cannot say if in the future he will leave them. ( I hope he does for his own sake as he told me my mum has started being abusive to him) but the bottom line we can only be responsible for ourselves and just show them love which is just what you are doing no contact.
It sounds like you are making good choices and hopefully your daughter in time will realise her Dad and Gran dont have her best interests at heart.

[anna]

Sorry to hear no contact, about your daughter. It is so upsetting when they are still in contact with the abusers and more so if they are influenced and start copying dysfunctional behaviour.
My son is still in contact with my abusive parents and siblings who have nothing to do with me.
My son tried to get me to leave the relationship for a long time. and when I did, I asked him if he would be okay with it and explained that my siblings would stop speaking to me and probably him too.
I did this not because I needed his permission but if he was not going to understand it would have made it to stressful for me and unlike you brave ladies who totally made the right decision to honour and respect yourselves when your adult children are doing these things, I think I would not be so good with my son and having boundaries.
Though I have had a few issues with him.
Such as reminding him not to pass on messages from them. He kept doing it and eventually I had to point out the messages/comments was manipulative and they know perfectly well he would be passing them on!
He gave me a furious look Presumably because he thought I was saying something unkind/untrue!But he found out I was right because the minute he told her he would not pass on messages she abused him verbally down the phone
it must be sad and incredubuly stressful for you No contact, that this is happening to you. I think you handled the situation brilliantly with your daughter. Big hug

[anna]

Thanks KIP,
I like the rock of truth imagery!
Yes I think I am letting the manipulation get to me. My sibling is only doing it to get me to go back to my abusive mum. She knows They cannot directly force me ( my parents tried forcing their way into my home) with me trying to hold the door shut the other side! Wont fall for that again locks and peepholes now! and ‘lovebomb’ letters which I dont read.
so the only way to make me go back is shame and guilt and convince me I have lost the plot! my sib is not doing this because she loves me but in reality furious I left and she ( understandably) is to afraid to go so is left with mum and dads wrath!
Just writing this has made me feel better and i think the only way to get rid of misplaced guilt and shame is to make new friendships. I am allowing their treatment of me to work by making my world smaller and smaller not going out that sort of thing. ( i am not agrophobic or anything like that) but have lost confidence and seem to be very much concentrating on trying to keep myself safe to the detriment of getting on with my life.
I am lucky that my parents wont push it to physical harm of me now i have left ( this fact is starting to dawn on me) not for any moral reason but my mum does not want to get caught. She told me that frequently as i was growing up.
So now I have to take responsibility of making new friends and networks so I dont feel so isolated.
Thanks again KIP and sending you a hug back!

[anna]

Hi Flyinghigh,
Its sounds like a very scary horrible situation for you. So well done for posting. Just make sure you cover your tracks with using the forum if boyfriend spies on who you speak to and harrassess you about it.
Yes it is definately abuse. And particularly worrying about the cat. Its symbolic and also real re directed violence to frighten you.
My mum did symbolic violence alot. Such as saying ‘if such and such, did this or that, ( insert trivial thing) I would make up lies to the police that they had hurt me’ that sort of of thing. implication being thats what she would do to me if i didnt comply
So your instincts are spot on.
No one will tell you what to do on here. But it seems your own wise , smart instincts are telling you to get out.
But understandably you may feel frightened and ashamed like you are to blame. ( I assure you most heartily you are not responsible for his mental health or to blame in any way)
When he talks about his mental health (regardless whether he is suicidal or not) it is done to manipulate you. He knows you are a loving kind empathic person so he is using those excellent lovely qualities against you. (Think how in martial arts how the fighter uses the opponants own weight to bring them down)

He knows if he is abusive you would go so if he can make you feel responsible for his wellbeing and make you feel mean and horrible about going, he can get you to stay with no effort on his part. He is basically using the human need we have to belong and feel we are a good upstanding person against you.

It may be that you are not quite ready to leave yet and that is ok. You want to feel that you can do it safely. I would not jump in a deep lake without learning to swim first and researching what wildlife was swimming down there!
So what I suggest and its only a suggestion is read up as much as you can online about the abuse cycle. I am sure this very site has lots of resources. Also read up about ‘hoovering’ which is the manipulating tactics abusers use to keep you in the relationship. My mum who is very abusive has used most of the hoover tactics. But because I knew all about them they lost their power to trick me.
Also about psychological emeshement where in abuse relationships a person tries to make you feel like you are in charge of their feelings. And finally Trauma bonding.
Though please keep yourself safe. If necessary go to a trusted friend who has no connection with your boyfriend to use their computer or maybe a public libarary.
Once you have read up all these things it will give you better insight into what is happening. plus you will see you are in no way to blame.
You may feel not quite ready to go but it is a small step toward safety. Keep talking to trusted friends. If necessary tell them boyfriend tries to keep you from seeing them so they can be sympathetic and understanding if you only have limited contact. ( yet again safety is paramount) dont talk to anyone who would go back to your boyfriend and repeat what you said. Or anyone who would try and negotiate with him thinking they were helping you.
Keep posting!

[anna]

Thankyou peaceful that is so kind to respond.
I am really glad you are with your sister now having a relationship.
But I agree it must be so hard not to be able to talk about your experiences. I think my sibs would do that to me if ever we was back in contact. My younger sib once waxed lyrical how loving and kind our mother was and we was so lucky to have her! My elder sib said my abuse had been the worst ( i have a disability so was particularly in the fireing line of her rage as she found me annoying, fustrating and felt embarrissed I was not the perfect child to be proud of) and they were all witness to my extreme abuse and yet still say invalidating comments. Even my mum apparently admitted to my elder sib the abuse had been extreme to me but of course deninied the adult abuse and sent me a letter ( before i wised up and stopped reading them) that my experiences was imagined! So they all know but cant face the truth.
Maybe one day your sister will talk about it but at least by being with you she is partly admitting you are right. Not that you need any one to validate your experiences or your truth but like you said it does help.
So i think I am going to stop the card sending. My elder sibs grownup kids has stopped sending me cards too but I know they agree with me and my son says they no longer see their gran as she has shown abuse to them. So i think they have stopped sending me cards as it is to stressful for them and I understand that and dont want to cause them added worry. Thanks again for your reply peaceful.

[anna]

Hello twins mum’
well done for reaching out to the forum. It is really scary when we are being controlled like that. In my case it was my mum doing it. Though I did not live with her still very damaging.
Like lisa and the other ladies have said reach out for help and support if you can.Just keep very safe and make sure husband does not know.
I too had lots of family and friends tell me to stay with my abuser. Some friends who were well meaning but did not understand the power and control dynamics of an abusive relationship told me I should just set my mother boundaries. They thought I should just tell her not to do such and such!
setting boundaries with an abusive person does not work as they know perfectly well what they are doing and dont care! Most people outside of an abusive relationship with normal families mistakenly think ( based on their own experiences) that an abuser would be mortified if they knew they were hurting us and would stop if we just had the gumption to ask!
Not only setting boundaries does not work but invariably make things worse as the abuser increases the control/abuse when they see us trying to assert our own rights.
It also made me feel to blame that I was allegedly so unforgiving and bringing the abuse on myself by not setting boundaries! This made me further isolated.
My husband also strongly encouraged me to stay in a relationship with my mum and he would constantly minimise the abuse saying just to ignore her! ( she was lovely to him and abusive to me)
He has apologised since and I now realise how frightened of her he was ( when I left he thought she would hurt me) so he was aware of what was happening. So I fully understand how you feel about family members telling you to stay!
Obviously no one will tell you to stay or leave as that is your decision and anyone who has been in abusive relationship knows how terrifying and also guilt inducing it is to even consider leaving.
In relation to your comment about your children My own experience with my now adult son has shown me that even though he was not abused by my mum and the majority in fact nearly all the time he did not witness any abuse toward me ( my mum would wait till he had left the room to be nasty and be abusive over the phone that sort of thing) it has affected him badly. As an adult he struggles to assert himself. for instance when he has to tell me that he cant come for a visit to see me he gets quite anxious. I love my son and totally understand he may want to go off and do other things and have never been abusive with him. But being conditioned to put up with granny, ( i did the whole we have to ignore granny, she is mentally not well and does not mean to be horrible to me blah blah) I feel what I was actually teaching him was not only do you have to tolerate abuse it is normal and acceptable behaviour! So now my son struggles with boundaries and thinks he has to explain at great lengths to people his reason for doing things and he worries extremley about upsetting people and thinks he is responsible for their feelings. And I worry I have inadvertantly put him at risk of abuse in future relationships because he has seen me tolerating abuse and thinks thats what relationships are about. And of course he heard his Dad telling him the same message.
But equally I am kind to myself because no one understands the fear that happens when in an abusive situation our survival instincts kick in and it becomes about getting through each day.
I think you are very brave to reach out on the forum for support. Take care and keep posting

[anna]

Hi alone,
wow you have been through a lot. Firstly I am sorry to hear about your mum. Even though she was abusive it would still have been shocking and upsetting to find her in bed. And we often still love our parents when they have been abusive. In fact we usually have various emotions towards them that seems to vary from day to day! it sounds very much that you are still in shock and grieving. All made harder by the nature of the relationship. And you talk about feeling ashamed so it sounds like their is misplaced guilt and blame toward yourself too.
I would suggest if you can to make it a priority to get into a new place away from your uncle. He has no right to tell you that you cant sort your mothers things. But right now that is not worth the battle. And realistically even though you may want some things of your mothers to help with your grief they really are not items that would have come from a loving happy relationship with her so maybe it might be better to walk away from that. And if you feel responsible for the practical side of sorting your mothers things. Well as uncle is so keen to be in charge he can sort them.
Right now its time to care for and honour yourself nurture ‘your inner child’. And be your own advocate.
Ask for a different GP at your surgery. You are allowed to change what GP you are registered with if you are not happy. You could if you wished complain to the practice but that would be be stressful and not really achieve anything. ( i have learned since leaving my mum to choose my battles wisely and only do things that get me results and benefit me in a good way) Many years ago I was not believed by a mental health nurse when i told her about the severe abuse from my mum. She said right out that I would be in trouble if I was lying and visited my husband at our home to see if he would confirm what i was saying! it was dreadful so i totally understand how you feel. See the GP about your nose though as whether it is stress or damp/mould in the house, it still needs treating.
So really work toward getting out as the previous poster said its just not worth it being abused by your uncle. I am not surprised in the least uncle is doing this as its very regular for abuse to run in families as it is learned/conditioned behaviour.
Would there be a possibility to pay for private therapy? To help process everything and give you support and someone to talk to? I would reccomend a properly trained and registered BACP therapist who is trained and familiar with Trauma. As its unlikely to get it on the NHS with lack of funding. If you contact your MIND organisation in the area where you live they often have greatly reduced private therapy sessions or at least they do in my area.

[anna]

Hi Tiffany,
As others have said well done for leaving the abusive situation. It sounds like he was very abusive. My mum constantly told me I was lazy, useless unattractive etc its what they do to keep us down.
if you have supportive parents and they are willing to help take up the offer of help. You need every bit of support after leaving an abusive relationship. My in laws and husband and son have been fantastic at being their for me after deciding i no longer wanted to see my abusive mum. It would be a much harder lonely road without them.
Ignore if you can the doubts he put in your mind suggesting your parents would not want to help or that you are weak. He did that to stop you having/getting support. My mum constantly tried to undermine my relationships with my in laws infering they didnt really like me and things like that. She knew perfectly well they would help me if they knew what was going on so it was in her own interests to try and stop me having a relationship with them.
Get your mobile phone and email changed so he cannot contact you and any letters he sends do not read. Either bin or maybe if you think you may need to, give them to someone very trustworthy and totally unconnected with your boyfriend to keep them to one side in case you ever need to have an restraining order. Dont worry mostly if you totally do not respond in any way they often give up after a bit.
My mum sends me letters and i dont read or respond.
There are all sorts of useful articles on line about the tactics abusers use to try and trick you back to the relationship. The tactics are called ‘Hoovers or push/pull. Have a look and when it happens you will think ah ha I am not falling for that!
My mum has tried most of the tactics but because I had read up about them it was much easier not to be manipulated. If you feel you may need further help and advice ring the domestic violence helpline they are very good.
Stay strong it will get better

[anna]

Thankyou KIP.
I feel you are right. All it does sending cards is get me so upset and anxious. I still really struggle with being confident to make decisions. One of my ‘in laws’ who is really nice but does not really understand my situation thought I should carry on sending cards regardless as i have ‘no axe to grind’ with my sibling and she is a separate person/relationship to my mum. This is true in normal families but in abusive/dysfunctional families its all about power and control so people are bullied/influenced to take sides. plus shunning me/ not sending cards is my siblings way of telling me they certainly have’ an axe to grind’ with me! From siblings perspective I am angry and punishing mum. when I last saw sibling they were on the side of the road doing frantic ‘calm down’ body language to me. I was sat in the car going by! I am not angry but sad and removing myself from abuse was purely self protection and finally accepting I could not change mum but sadly my actions are viewed as unforgiving, punishing and retailaratory. Very sad. But I respect their right to their own viewpoint and opinion on my actions.
I think a lot of me hanging onto sending cards is I did not want to seem really horrible to siblings children but realistically that horse bolted out the stable door long ago. I would like to say it was because I was only thinking of a chance of a future relationship but really I am mainly desperatly trying to avoid conflict and being thought badly of. But its totally making my anxiety worse. You gave good advice before kip about not meeting up with my other sibling who was being abusive and I have felt loads better since blocking my email and phone. Its just this last sending/receiving card thing.
If my siblings did want to come to me for support or just be in a relationship I would but that is hugely unlikely.
I am sad to hear you have had to separate from your son and step daughter. My adult son is still in minimal contact with my parents he does support and agree with my decision but even though i totally support his decision to see who he wants it is hard as she uses him to pass on messages to me. ( He is starting to not do that) but it takes huge diplomacy on my part to keep our relationship ok. My mum does not like or love my son its purely to cause difficulty. And she has started being abusive to him but I am hoping with patience and love from me and his dad and not trying to stop him ( i just ask him not to talk about them to me when he has visited and speak to his dad or the nice in law if he is worried about anything regarding them) He knows she is horrible but so hard to let go when its a whole side of a family. And maybe if he sees them minimally it will be the best decsion for him. There are no winners in abuse situations and my thoughts go out to you that you have had to make the incredubly difficult decision to not see your children and thankyou so much for replying and understanding

[anna]

Hi Serenity,
How hurtful and abusive to both you and your son. It sounds like your mum wants your son to do A levels and is being controlling.
As all the other posters said its totally up to your son what he chooses to do with his life.
It sounds like you are doing a great job as a mum and giving your son appropriate guidance.

Maybe to suggest to him not to discuss big life choices with his gran. That takes him out of the ‘firing line’ of her advice/control! If he knows he can come to you he will soon realise its more hassle than its worth chatting to gran! She then has a chance to moderate her behaviour or lose out hearing lots of interesting chats with your son. This is not being mean but helping your son to care for his own emotional boundaries and gently letting gran know she does not have the influence to bully. much better than arguing as they never change their behaviour and often telling them a boundary no matter how gently or kindly said makes the abuse worse. As they see it as you trying to control them.
As your son is (detail removed by Moderator) he probably will start getting a bigger sphere of influence anyway with new friendships and what have you, so the natural course of things will mean he sees less of her anyway. ( parties and girls are far more intersting at that age than visiting relatives ) so it will to an extent sort itsself out. And i doubt very much he is even in the will as parents usually leave money to their children first and if they do leave something for grandchildren its a token amount of money or piece of jewllery that sort of thing. Meanwhile take a deep breath and know we all understand and know what you are going through my own mum told me she was cutting me and my sibling out of her will and when I said people will think you dont like us she said I dont like you!!! Now what can you say to that!!!!

[anna]

hi ladybird, i have left an abusive relationship with my mum and you are being very brave particularly as you live with your dad. I am married but it has still taken me years to break free. only just today have i got the courage to close my email account that my family still send abusive email to. I have been so conditioned to obey and be the dutiful daughter that I find it hard to realise I dont have to respond to things they send me but just ignore.
I know the reason I worry about my siblings and mum sending me nonsense is not so much because i feel guilty its because i feel if i stand up for my basic human rights not to be abused they would hurt me. sadly my husband feels just as anxious when i told him i would no longer take aggressive phone calls from my sister he thought i should speak to her a bit so as not to antagonise her! So his attitude was it was safer to be abused on the phone than risk her coming to see me in person. He states that it was only that I would be upset if she came but really we both have visions of a torch weilding mob!!! ( very unlikely to happen, just where fear takes you)
Anyway the point of my previous paragraph was to let you know you are not alone in feeling frightened. But the good thing is you can take steps to look after yourself emotionally and physically if need be and
break free. And each time you make healthy informed choices to look after yourself you feel more empowered and confident.
For instance one of my healthy/empowered choices now are never to meet up with any of my siblings in their homes as they were abused also and do my mums bidding so that would be an unsafe thing for me to do at least emotionally in case they told her i was there plus they are mean to me also.
My husband sorts through any mail i get and any phone messages anything off my family gets binned and he does not inform me. This helps stop me feeling frightened,upset/angry or worried.
I am doing other things too. all feel scary but not as scary as staying in an abusive relationship with my mum!
You will be okay. The forum is here for you and you will get through this and out the other end. Take care

[anna]

Hi both the previous posters are totally correct. Your husband is doing 100% typical abusive behaviour. Its called Hoovering and is part of the cycle of abuse. Basically you tell your husband you want to leave. He realises he is about to lose you. ( don’t take this to mean he loves you and is sorry Thats what we want it to mean) What it actually means is him thinking, ‘oh wife is on to me, better behave and tell her everything she wants to hear, otherwise she will go and I will no longer be able to have power over her and abuse her.
As you noticed all the things he was saying was things you have been asking him to do like stop drinking. So no surprise those are the things he tells you he is going to do. If you had told him previously that you wanted him to to go to AA 12 step fellowship to quit drinking he would be rushing around now googling when the next meeting was!
But what you have to remember is actions speak louder than words. We can all talk the talk but for real change to happen we have to want it and take action. We have to walk the walk. There is a little saying, There are 3 frogs sitting on a log and one decides to jump off, how many are left sitting on the log? three because the frog only made a decision to jump! ( and in your husbands case he probably has not even
made the decision, he is just pretending to manipulate you) Also its important to remember that people drinking to much does not cause them to abuse it may or may not influence their behaviour but the bottom line is I have never seen a bottle of beer fly off the supermarket shelf and hit someone! We are all responsible for our actions and its easy to hide behind excuses.
You also do not need moral permission so to speak, to leave. if you are unhappy even if there had been no
abuse you are allowed to go. An abuser deliberately hoovers as they know a person with high empathy/morals will think oh I had better give them a chance . Recently I told a friend I was no longer in contact with a sibling as she is being abusive and i would no longer read her emails and my friend said, oh but what if she sends an email apologising and you have not read it! indeed that is a risk but chances are i would read 30 more unpleasant emails before i got to the apology one if at all. And just because someone may apologise it does not equate a change in behaviour. Abusers know this is how you and friends will think about their hoover techniques.
Its hard though isnt it. I am getting hoovered by my abusive mum and have to throw her letters away without reading as they are nice. And even though i know whats shes doing I cant read them as i so want her love even after all my life of being abused and I want her words to be true. And when i read them i think maybe im overreacting and life with her was not so bad.
Keep strong and take care

[anna]

Hi yes your right you cant go totally no contact if your daughter is young and you have shared access. What i would suggest as he is probably a narcassist. is play the broken record technique. this is basically non aggressive and you put boundaries in place but very subtle as A if you give them a boundary such as I will only talk to you about our daughter he will just go !great this is winding her up i will do it even more and secondly if he sees you withdrawing he will increase control/power behaviours.
Examples are anything he talks about which is not asking you a question such as a statement like i wish you had cheated on me. Reply in the way you did. it comes accross friendly and interested but is not giving him the response he wants. He wants you to feel manipulated to go back so he can abuse you again or if he cannot do that to get a response from you that is angry,upset or scared. if you get a direct question such a why did you do such and such or what do you think about such and such answer with a question or go goodidea! An example i heard recently was a narcassist person i know was trying to bait?goad their daughter by saying when she was younger because she was noisy ( not true by the way) she had to walk into the night as she had no peace in her own home so daughter calmly replies that was a good idea the night is so beautiful! if your ex says something more like a question such as why are you angry say why do you feel im angry? when he answers because of such and such say oh thats interesting why do you feel like that? And keep putting the questions but no answers also have the phone on hands free and comment a friend is with you he will be forced to behave if he has an audience, pretend you have got rid of your mobile and just use the landline. the more he accesses you on his own the more he plays up. my mum would wait till husband was out the room or ring me when i was on my own and swearat and abuse me and be nice as pie in fron of other people.

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