Ayanna

[Ayanna]

Hi Rainydays, this guy is unfortunately a freeloader.
Please, don’t marry him.
If he was not able to secure himself a pension that’s entirely his own fault.
You are not responsible for his ailments and inabilities.
He can live on benefits if he is unable to do anything for himself.
He is never your responsibility and you have no obligation to ever give him anything of your money.
The best thing to do with him is to kick him out far, in my opinion. And never let him return.

[Ayanna]

It seems that the services have deteriorated.
The events of the last few years have all an impact on the finances for services for women and children.
We always come last in patriarchy and I do expect that it will get even worse.

[Ayanna]

I am glad you are safe.
Women are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised men.
It was not your task to fix him.
What you say about him reminds me of my ex abuser.
They all have such enormously silly reasonings. He did it because he was so passionate…..
Did he also say he loved you too much … Looool.
If he had loved you he would have never ever hurt you.
I heard the same nonsense.
None of what has happened was your fault.
It is his responsibility.
He is an adult. He does not need anyone to protect him.
What he needs is to be punished for what he has done to you.
Stay strong.
You deserve better and you have taken the right steps.

[Ayanna]

I have lots of flashbacks and as I have spoken about some very traumatic events at length in therapy recently, the flashbacks became intense and more frightening.
I make sure I have soft pillows at hand and warm blankets to wrap me in. That helps me to feel safe.
I get up from where I am and walk a few steps to take me away from the spot where I had the flashbacks.
I do something to ground me, like smelling on a bottle of perfume or massaging my face, drinking hot tea, turning on the TV or radio, checking the messages on my phone…..
I find facebook really helpful recently, as I have friends all over the world and somewhere else it is morning or a good time to talk and we can chat smalltalk about anything.

[Ayanna]

I had the same experience with these free legal advice places.
Have you tried the NCDV?
They were the only ones who were serious at that time and helped me to write my statements properly for the non molestation and occupation orders.
I got a lot of information from google, different forums and also cheap online legal advice.
I also found a lawyer through my union, who was very helpful when the anxiety during the awful divorce was extremely high.
I got bits and pieces of informations and I puzzled them together.
I hardly slept. I was on my case 24/7.

[Ayanna]

I wish you strength KIP, it will still bring up a lot of emotions.
Recently I have thought how I would feel if I did re-uptake the court trial for the rapes and sexual assaults. My interview is with the police.
He would deserve it.
But I do not feel strong enough and going through that traumatic process will be detrimental for the fragile balance I have achieved now. And it might not be worth all the effort, as there are no witnesses.
I think, I will leave the past in the past and carry on to rebuild my life.
My best revenge will be a book one day.

[Ayanna]

What you should really do is pack your things together and flee into the next refuge to never ever return.
Find out how to get into a refuge and where there is one with a space for you.
You need to do this without much thinking, otherwise you will never do it.

You are fully aware how bad your situation is and how trapped you are with this guy.

I am sure you also understand that things will never improve again, they will get worse gradually and one day your life will be in real danger.

You are not happy and not comfortable living like this.

So, what’s the alternative to that situation?
Leaving is the only alternative. That gives you a chance to get a happier life.

Once you left you need to block him so that he can never reach you again.

You deserve better and you can do better.
You can achieve so much you do not even know now.
Do not say anything to him. Just do it when he is in his delirium and not aware of his environment or not at home.

[Ayanna]

Holidays were horrible.
He beat me in public in the foreign country and sabotaged anything that I would have enjoyed to do.

[Ayanna]

I am glad you got rid of the coil.
I find it such an unhealthy thing to have in the body.
You could work on your liver to detox your body from excess hormone leftovers, with milk thistle, betaine, chlorella, dandelion.

[Ayanna]

Serenity, it is so good to see your post!
The perpetrator’s small acts of terror certainly cannot help with your PTSD.
I find it outrageous that you could be labelled as someone who overdramatises if you did report when he oversteps the set boundaries.
I am glad your son receives some support. Hopefully he loses interest in his father as he gets the support and learns more about himself.
Maybe you can ignore your mother and sister and refuse them any participation in your life.

[Ayanna]

Don’t withdraw your statement!
Stand up to him!
Abusers are often clever in hiding what they do, especially when they are n*********s.
You should not think of getting back together with him.
Plan your life without him.
He will never change. He will only become more dangerous and you will suffer more.
Free yourself! xx

[Ayanna]

In the risk assessment for victims of domestic abuse there is a question, whether the perpetrator also abuses animals.
If he does the risk for the victim increases!!!

When I got out I totally blanked out that he abused animals.
We had no pets, but he abused ducks and swans and scared dogs and cats and found it all very funny, whilst I cried inside for the poor animals. He did it unexpectedly, so that I was in the situation all of a sudden, paralyzed, in disbelief and feeling extremely ashamed for him. I could not criticize him, because if I did he would beat me and call me paranoid and the abuse would go on for hours once we reached home. He was that awful.

Be aware that he is an even greater risk for your safety, because he abuses animals.
You need to get out. xx

[Ayanna]

It is never too late to take up counseling.
Speak to your GP about therapy and get a referral.
Abuse leaves deep mental scars and without help they will never smoothen out.
The experience was obviously so traumatic for you that it took you all these years to begin the process of realisation only recently.
The time for you to deal with it and to confront yourself with the immense hurt it has caused you is probably now.

[Ayanna]

I think you should use this opportunity to observe men.
You will see different men acting differently in same situations.
At the same time keep yourself educating about abusive behaviours.
Over time you will become very knowledgeable about the rights and wrongs and also know what you want and what you do not want.
You will also instantly recognize an abuser, even if he is a sweet-talker.
As mentioned above by maddog, watch the video clip from the Thames Valley Police about tea and consent.
You have been through unspeakable horror and it will take time and patience to find your way.
Be gentle with yourself and keep posting, keep reading, keep observing.

[Ayanna]

Hang in there.
You have been so incredibly brave. You will see this through.
Regarding the scars: If they hurt you, cause you restrictions in movement and/or mental health issues the NHS can pay for their correction.
Let a plastic surgeon review them. The GP does not have the last word in this.
Stay strong. Things will get easier over time. xx

[Ayanna]

Christmas has never been a good time for me.
I avoid seeing my family during this time.
With the exes it was bad experiences en masse too.
I came to my own solution.
I decided that Christmas is a happy time for me.
I gifted myself with beautiful decorations and I have the tree that I was never allowed to have.
I listen to Christmas songs no end.
I eat all the food that I like and spoil myself with presents.
Over all this I completely forget about my family and all the miserable people who pretended to be my friends and let me down.
I also work often.
Whenever I have the time I go to a Christmas Market.
I have lots of distraction and when I return to my beautifully decorated home I feel happy.
This year I actually feel as if I have overtaken my family and my Christmas is better than theirs 🙂

[Ayanna]

The best way to deal with your trauma is therapy.
Have you spoken with your GP?
Get a referral to your local mental health service.
This type of trauma cannot go away until you dealt with it.
Keep posting here xx

[Ayanna]

Your trauma is just very recent.
You need counseling. If your GP can organise that, it would be great.
If not try charities, also rape crisis.
Also, contact Women’s Aid about the Freedom Programme.
You will not only meet other women with whom you can relate, you will also learn a lot about abuse and understand your own reactions much better.
All what you experience in the aftermath of the abuse is normal.
It is a very hard time in the beginning.
You need to be patient with yourself.
Set goals that you want to achieve and work on them slowly.
Be careful sharing with friends. Many people have no understanding and ask hurtful questions and say silly things.
Do nice things for yourself every day. Just little things, like a peaceful walk in the park or window shopping.
It will take a while before you can put into words what happened to you.
If it helps, write things down, the fractions that come to your mind, put on paper, will make sense later.
If you have to go to court that will help you with your preparations and memories.
Keep posting!
You are doing all the right things!

[Ayanna]

Do not feel bad about a low cost Christmas.
The peace is much more valuable than presents.
Also, debts should not worry you.
You work and you pay them.
You try so hard for jobs and you succeed.
In a few years all the debts will be gone.
I have to pay credit cards. I do not care about it. I just pay every month. One day they will be cleared.
Single parent life is just not easy, especially not when you have to get out of abuse and start allover again.
Do not be hard on yourself and enjoy the peace of Christmas.

[Ayanna]

I am glad you are back.
This time do not leave this forum again.
You are in no way selfish.
Maybe over time you come to the conclusion that leaving him will be the best decision of your life.
It takes time and you need to build up the courage to allow this vision.
You clearly do not want this situation you are in.
Take your time to think carefully how you can get out and build a happier and more peaceful life for yourself.

[Ayanna]

Wonderful!
You will feel so much better once you let all the pain out!

[Ayanna]

I strongly advise against meeting him.
What he does is harassment.
Rather report him to the police for harassing you and get a non molestation order in place.

[Ayanna]

I can so relate to your post.
I felt similar when I moved into my new place.
The peace and calm are so nice and relaxing.
And you can do what you want and do not have to justify anything.
Life just gets better and better and the money problems will get better too!

[Ayanna]

It can take a few months to get a court date.
But they should let you know within a few weeks.
You can also contact them for updates.

[Ayanna]

Complain!
You need to request the caution to be removed.
Make a big fuss at the Police complaints commission.
Also, look for your nearest Sisters Uncut group and tell them. They might have advice too.
Speak to Rights of Women.
Do not accept any of this.
You deserve a life free from abuse.
You need to fight.
Many of us have to fight, even years after.

[Ayanna]

As a matter of fact, as long as you are mobile enough, there will always be jobs, even when you are old and not in great shape.
I have made financial mistakes in the past due to abusive partners. Therefore I do not think of retiring ever, just to work as long as I am able to, even with disability and not so great health.
The thing is in my personal situation, the longer I am away from the abuser, the more stable my health gets. I do not know whether some of the problems can resolve. Some can be managed well with devices and I can work despite having these issues.
It is possible to rebuild life, to start over again at a later age with determination and goal keeping.
The little miscalculations on the way to a better life are hickups that do not count.
I too need to pay credit cards. I do not mind. I know why I got into this and now I do my best to get out of it.
There was no other way at the time. I needed accommodation and had to start from scratch.
Without the credit cards I would live in an empty apartment and have hardly any nice clothes. I appreciate their existence very much.

[Ayanna]

SunshineRainflower, this is a great decision.
Make these days extreme self care days.
Buy nice bath ingredients and skin care, hair care, put on your favorite music, watch movies and eat nice food.

I have no more friends, because I am unable to deal with people acting like spoiled princesses, being unreliable and complicated.

Stand up to your brother and the rest of the family.
You do not need them. You are fully able to live and enjoy your live without this abusive family. Show it to them!

I am fierce with my family and in the meantime they are aware that I do not take any bullsh.. from them any more. They have become very careful with me and some of them actually seek to contact me whilst I keep my distance and emphasize my strict boundaries.

I feel better about myself since I do not allow them to abuse me in any way and I have a feeling they respect me now.
This took several years though, but it was worth it.

[Ayanna]

Beatrice, please look up Sisters Uncut and contact them.
Also contact Rights of Women. You need to use their call back function as they are in very high demand.
They may be able to advise you and guide you how to get out safely.

As to my knowledge immigration status has nothing to do with a place in a refuge.

I was in work but an immigrant and I experienced similar abuse by those who were supposed to help me.

Do not give up.
Make your inquiries secretly.
I hope you find someone who helps you.

Please keep posting here. You are not alone. xxx

[Ayanna]

Hi Unsureofwhattodo, I was extremely angry for a very long time and even these days I feel enormous anger sometimes.
I could not hold it back and screamed it out at the top of my voice.
Sometimes I went to the park and screamed until I had no voice left.
This does not happen as often as it used to happen any more.
The anger subsides over time as other things become more important slowly.
I do not believe in this whole forgiveness thing.
I loved that man and was fully committed to him. Therefore I did what I could to make the relationship work.
I rather believe in learning to see the signs, the red flags, so that we can leave early, before any harm happens.
In the end we do not choose to be abused, it is the abuser who is at fault.
And also, I can highly recommend the Freedom Programme, as Lisa said.
It is an amazing course that will help you for life and make you stronger.

[Ayanna]

Eve1 I hope you did ring the helpline and you feel a little better.
In the end it is just money and you work hard on rebuilding your life.

I remember so well, when I was with that abusive man and had no idea how to get out, that I thought, I would be a happy person if I had just money problems right now and that man was not in my life.

Depending on our own is very hard, with rising costs for everything but too low pay for work.
However, it is so much better than the situation a few years ago.
You know that you will get out of this again.
Do not let this get you down. xx

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