Daisy

[Daisy]

I just want to send you a virtual hug and let you know that I understand what you are feeling but add that you certainly aren’t a failure or rubbish mother.
You are showing your daughter no one should have to just stay and put up with abuse for one thing.
X x x

[Daisy]

I think you should continue to trust your instinct,
If things don’t add up ,you’re bound to be wary and question what’s going on , especially with matters regarding your children and the fact that he has lied and abused you, and not admitted to that and shown remorse by the sound of it, you are well justified not to just trust him or what he says.
Have you got support from your local d.v/ women’s aid team?
X x x

[Daisy]

Colouring fairy,
Reading your post and how you feel right now, takes me back and I’m so sorry how many of us have to go through this.
Hang on in there tight, you won’t always feel so distraught. It does pass , with time, but most of all with gentle care of yourself whilst you process the abuse you have suffered and whilst you heal.
X x x

[Daisy]

Lozzy, perhaps tell his family you mentioned your concerns based on what he has said, matter of factly , short and sweet and let then take over. I think we can’t be expected to be part of the solution any more. As the others say, it is a tactic often used by abusers, and whether as a ploy, or in some case as the final ultimate abusive act , you need to not to get dragged back in to being responsible for his actions or welfare. If you get a clear direct message, as already posted, just pass this on to the police.they can then start to get him the help he needs or he will be brought up sharp and clear as the manipulator he is. I think, if we are part of the problem , or visa Vera, we can’t get drawn in to being part of the solution.he needs to look to others, not you now for support here
X x x

[Daisy]

Teabag, your post is so well worded and so honest and in a way you are finding the words regarding what I felt , but couldn’t express back when i’d Left and had the peace and space to think, and out it all poured.
I’m concerned you feel your life isn’t worth living because of the shame you carry for what he did, and I will repeat that bit -for what he did. I can understand what you say, how you feel , and how you feel you colluded with him, or condoned his behaviour or what ever else you are punishing yourself with because I did that all too but the facts are he is accountable for what he did in his past relationship and to you, and what he goes on to continue doing. You have been a victim here too , Yes we were duped for our trusting and support and a hell of a lot wiser in hindsight but we are kind and supportive by nature and that was taken advantage of. We are human and sometimes don’t judge things right but that doesn’t mean we have to own the blame or shame of others actions ,no experience is wasted if we learn from it, we can’t go back ,only forward.please reread your post as if I was saying this to you, I think you would understand what happens and tell me I was not to blame myself, which is what I say to you
X x x

[Daisy]

And a big no from me too, he is the last person you need to speak to, he’s the problem, so he’s never going to be part of the solution.
Post on here, talk it through with safe, trusted people, read up on domestic abuse and it’s effects and save all your questions and care and time and effort for you.
X x x

[Daisy]

Sounds like you are self doubting,and suffering from low self esteem which is very common after effects of abuse. However from your post you have clearly had to go with your own instincts, that have been spot on,by the way, you have had to cut out certain people who were not good for your recovery and because of that you have made it through and because of all you have done your child is doing well.keep doing it your way,( it shouldn’t be so hard at a time we are not up to dealing with hard though should it)
X x x

[Daisy]

Beelodge, welcome from me too,
Yes, I can empathise too
It’s horrendous the torturous damage these abusers cause and it’s so hard not to feel forever guilty about the causalties and losses in life along the way and there are always those, being separated from your children is the worst ever.
Although you will still , please try to put aside any feelings of your guilt, regret etc -we do what we have to do to survive at the time and the decision to leave when and how you did wasn’t your action , it was a reaction to how things were for you at that time. It’s a awful thing to have happened to you, you have suffered enough. I agree too that you need to concentrate on you, and slowly slowly get the help and support to make things right for you and your children.hopefully it,s not a case of learning to live without them, more a case of just living without them for now.
X x x

[Daisy]

I’d get them to fully explain your entitlement so you can understand it or get a welfare agency to look into it for you. There is information online too at turn to us, money advice or the .gov website itself.
Mistakes can be made so I,d definately keep asking for explanations until you understand what income they have used and that you agree with the amounts of that income used. Have you also checked if you can get help with your council tax or any maintenance payments.
X x x

[Daisy]

Well done for getting yourself away from his horrendous abuse.
You now need to hang on in there tight and give yourself some Time in this safe environment rest, build yourself back up and process all you have been through. Without contact from him, you will be able , when you’ve rested , to see things much clearer and to start to think about your needs and future rather than him all consuming your thoughts. Early days, but you,ve already taken a big step forward to the abuse free future you deserve.
X x x

[Daisy]

If you are the main claimant for ALL YOUR legacy benefits the change is just a household change so I would expect your benefits to continue but may reduce now you are a single claimant not a couple. google universal credit to see the 6 benefits it replaces. if you need to claim any ONE then that’s when I would expect you to have to claim universal credit. There are some good benefits advice sites online. Turn to us is one , and money advice is another.the ogov website is also worth a google
X x x

[Daisy]

If you are the claimant on a benefit , that will continue. If you are not the main claimant, or he is and you are the partner on his claim then you would have to claim universal credit. So if your name is the main claimant and you receive the money for your job seekers or esa and tax credit and housing benefit, it would be a change of circumstances to current benefit, if partner left but if he is the one claiming and receiving any of the above you would need to claim universal credit x x x

[Daisy]

Stars in darkness, he is responsible and only him, it was his actions and he attacked her not you. We feel guilt because we are so critical of ourselves, some hang on effect of abuse, I think.
And really and truly, you didn’t do nothing, you reported him when it happened to you and if it didn’t proceed to orocecutiib at that time, it was still on record so you put him on that radar. When he was reported again, well two similar reports , different people, it would have spoke volumes, so you did help, as much as you could , whilst also protecting yourself and your child. X x x

[Daisy]

Letsgetout, stay strong and don’t take that step back, because that’s what it would be and you wouldn’t really be left feeling better after returning because it wouldn’t be real or long lasting. You are worth more than that,you need to remind yourself of all the reasons why you left, and stay strong. He’s just trying to reel you back under his control.
Sending you strength to help you stay out
X x x

[Daisy]

Shiny, you are brave, and strong and an inspirational mum who put a stop to‘a hell of a lot’ despite the fear and against the blinkered , blindness shown to you by others. You never felt you were strong enough but we saw your strength, and you did it. Your children are truly blessed with a different much better life now. There will be wobbles and lows, it’s still early days and it’s understandable for you to mourn what you have lost along the way. It is hard to accept and wrong when victims lose their homes and familiarity, their friends and family and the abusers keep that, but it had to be, it’s fight or flight , with flight being the only safe option in extreme cases as yours truly was.you are scarred but you survived. Keep going with the bio oil, the scars and the painful past will fade,it truly will but it does take time. I guess the children have moved on from unicorns and rainbows but I will always remember your inner inspiring strength even when things were so bad. X x x

[Daisy]

Mc, do try speaking to cab or shelter, or a local law centre regarding your current rights to reside. I hope they can support you to be able to provide the info required to be accepted for benefits and therefore funding for your refuge place.
X x x

[Daisy]

I’ve got to also second that, only give up the job you clearly love if it’s whole heartedly your decision and only yours.
If you were my friend or family I can only see further isolation and control for you and further worry for your friends and family if you haven’t got that reason To be away from there as now.
I think if you did open up to your most trusted supporting family member or friend you might be surprised that they do guess more than you think
X x x

[Daisy]

Maybe I’ve bombarded you with too much in one evening.
Don’t want you to end the eve feeling bad, soz.
Glad you have found the strength to start to look into things,
You found here, so you already know that things are not right.
Stay safe
X x x

[Daisy]

Whilst in an abusive relationship it so all consuming, and you need to be alert at all times for safety. When out , it leaves a big void that takes time to get used to. When it ended up creeping round on eggshells, trying to predict every eventuality and step in and dispel it , all that doesn’t Die down instantly.so I would say all that energy and care now needs to be diverted to you. Try to do nice, relaxing things and things you enjoy. Be gentle and understanding with your self, give yourself time and don’t be too critical of yourself. I think it does help to get things out but only with a trusted safe person or environment and only when you are ready too.
You are grieving the relationship you hoped it would be, and it,s ok to still think and feel for him, just think and feel don’t act on these emotions, he’s not worthy of you and in time I can promise you, you will be wondering what you saw in him, won’t feel as you do now about him and will probably even go days or longer without thinking about him too.
In the meantime, try giving your bedroom a mini make over or change around,get some comforting things around you and when the nightmare wake you , reach out and touch those things to calm you.
X x x

[Daisy]

My abuser used to say, after a beating “i’ll Never let anyone hurt you ever you know that don’t you” yet he was the only one who ever had, often.
How warped was that and there was I hurting, humiliated and feeling worthless, quiet or apologising for no real reason other than to keep the peace , and hoping things dudn’t Start up again with my inner little cheeky survivor’s voice silently telling me what a suck minded bully he was
X x x

[Daisy]

Just saw your response re calculated actions pc,
Sorry I missed it earlier,you get stressed, as do I but we wouldn’t do to others what is done to us so it’s no excuse, there is no escuse for this cowardly violence.
I also don’t see it as your tolerance increasing pc more you survival instinct kicking in, i’ve Had to accept and Do ,and said some pathetic things just to stop things getting too out of hand but it just got worse and worse.
The effect it’s starting to have on you is worrying, it could really start to effect your job you love, that keeps you independent, and I somehow feel he would be quite pleased, and finally these abuser like the fact it effects us so much and becomes so all cumsuming, they don’t like us to have time and space to think clearly because it’s precisely that, time and space we do need to see the negative effects they have on us
X x x

[Daisy]

Yes, PC and IWMB, it is sad it’s happening so much but also it is good there is resources like this forum where we can support each other, share information and knowledge and just open up about what is happening.abusers thrive on our keeping quiet and covering it up, keeping their abuse hidden They like to control and build things up so we end up complying.good luck with the plus versus minus list , seeing it in black and white, with the minus list running on and on is undeniable and widens our eyes to what we are facing, I feel.be careful to destroy it or hid it safely though as if they realise they are losing their control and you are daring to start questioning things and seeing the stark truth the abuse often escalates, just to put you back in what they consider your place.
Do either of you have anyone for real life support, think hard and don’t let independent pride get in the way, i’d Want to know and support my mum if she was going through this, just as much as I would my daughter
X x x

[Daisy]

hello from me too, and i’m Glad you found the forum and your voice to post.
What you say is sadly so familiar, abusers often behave in the same way, and we as kind, compassionate partners, minimise this behaviour by making excuses and looking to see what we can do to stop it. Sadly we can’t , it’s their choice to treat us as they do and yes it is a decision or choice to do so.
Think about that for a moment and I ask does he treat his boss or work colleagues or friends as he does you? And the answer is no because he wouldn’t keep his job or friendships. I understand now , at this point you say he means so much to you. Is it him , everything the good and bad , the whole package that you talk about meaning so much or just the good parts, the good memories or even the idea of the happy relationship you want , is it really him that will make you happy because I don’t think it is, I think you know that he is treating you so wrong. It’s a good chance whilst you are apart to put down in writing the good things versus the bad and I expect that the bad will for out way the good. You are in good company here, we have all settled for way short of what we deserve, hoping things will improve, they will change, stop, and treat us as we treat them but it rarely happens , and often gets worse. I too covered up bruises and minimised what was really going on and had my possessions broken , thrown, smashed in arguments- never his so it’s controlled and even calculated actions really on their part, isn’t it.
X x x

[Daisy]

Perhaps try to speak to your baby’s health visitor, they should be able to help and advise
X x x

[Daisy]

GoingInsane, there’s an aweful lot in your posts about what he wants ,because he’s bombarding you ,that’s part of the abuse and it’s so time and energy consuming but I would say , it’s not just about what he wantswhat’s so much more important here is for you to shut this out for a while as much as you can and think about your needs, what you want, your free from abuse life and then to use your strength for moving forward safely with that not getting caught up, going round in the endless circles of his nasty GameStop xxx

[Daisy]

Funny how you felt surprised Ssss how things were going along without him, because YOU were the one dealing with everything all along anyway – weren’t you. But him not being there dragging you down is clearly good for you, and your self esteem, you seem more relaxed and confident – do you agree?
Yep , urgent report and non urgent keep a record of as a lot of little breaches still add up too and get too much and need reporting.
What ever he has been ordered not to do, you need to enforce.
He needs to realise that he can’t just do as he pleases anymore.
Well done Ssss, I know it’s not easy but it does get easier , by sticking to the no or least contact.
X x x

[Daisy]

You need to keep a diary Ssss and be firm with your child that they speaks to you before taking thing to their dad, and it shouldn’t keep happening either, Is these requests for urgent stuff or is this just continuing nonsense from him, the later I expect.
You need to have no contact with him , or him with you, so you can have the space and time needed for you to decide without pressure what is the right way forward for you and the children
X x x

[Daisy]

Yes, really good thread and common what ever age I think, although teenagers are much harder to communicate with at the best of times.
I recall hating that transition period.
Girls are much better at talking it through I found than boys but it still was a day or two later.
The thing to try that helped me, is to try to plan and let them know, something to do perhaps the day after they return. So they have that at least to look forward too whilst away and to rely on and adjust back to, and it doesn’t need to be expensive either , just sharing some time or activity or favourite meal etc.

[Daisy]

With young children no contact really will have to be minimum contact, just relating to contact arrangements.
But when dealing with abusers, nothing is as it should be and as you have found out already, it’s not about planning to see and doing things with the children that they arrange, it’s a pretense to continue to upset, unsettle, control and further abuse you.
This may sound harsh but I don’t mean it to but if you agree to contact, you are deciding that your child will be safely looked after by their other parent. So that said whilst they are with them they will have to initially deal with all issues, if you don’t think they will You perhaps shouldn’t allow or be pressured into unsupervised contact Arrange an email address to contact you and a separate one just for that would be good. That way, it’s lest direct and a written record too.
Try to get a set routine or arrangement, that way you and your children will be more settled or able to prepare. No small feat I know but I can only echo you are not tied forever; just still tied every other weekend or what ever you arrange and only until your child is a teenager then They will not need you to do all the communicating/arrangements, you child will be more used to dealing with most of it.
Abusers use every avenue to continue to abuse but if you do go as much no contact as possible, you can limit what abuse you have to continue to receive.
I’m not a believer in FaceTiming ,it seems so anti healing for you having to listen to your abuser’s voice in your now safe home but if you feel it is working for you and best for you child I understand and you can always monitor it and end the call if not
X x x

[Daisy]

sending you a hug and some virtual strength Ssss and poodle power he was abusive and cruel right to the end, please be kind to yourself , allow yourself time to heal from the horrific time you have had. what happened is quite common with these abusers, harming others, threatening to harm themselves, threatening our friends and family, pets , everything and anything to keep us doing what they want , or what they think they want at the time as god knows it keeps changing ,not caring the damage to us because if they did , they woukdn’t Do what they do and when the power shifts and we start to see them for what they are -using that final act to abuse and hurt right to the end. He did this to himself, you hold your head up high and if you don’t want to hear or read his final probably false words you shouldn’t Have too. There should be guidance online for you regarding this , sending you a big virtual hug too poodlepower
X x x

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