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cool thread 🙂
I rely on music a lot to get me thru the days…
A song I recently discovered which I find really empowering is Quiet, by Milck, which she wrote about surviving sexual assault.. (link removed by Moderator)
Tiffany- I also really like Sia 🙂 I have been obsessed with Breathe Me lately…although it’s a very emotional song. Not exactly uplifting but I just find it so powerful and relatable…
x

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Hi LizSKY,
So sorry that you’re feeling low and struggling with your situation. Really wanted to say that you are NOT partly to blame. None of it is your fault. I know it’s hard to see this tho.. take care x

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Hi SunshineRainflower,
Sorry that you’re experiencing this. Just wanted to say I can completely relate to your post. i have it all the time and it’s exhausting.. trying to match up the two sides of the person and having massive resistance in a way in accepting he was abusive as well as “nice, loving etc”… Hopefully we will get to a point where this gets resolved in our minds.. :/

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Hi KIP,
you should definitely do this! I think it sounds great. I have had similar thoughts myself. I think it would be really empowering to set something up and other people would really appreciate it I’m sure 🙂 With services getting funding cuts etc I think we kind of have to create things ourselves.

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hi ConfusedAgain,
i rent privately and am on benefits/housing benefit. I had to get a guarantor so that might be something you will need, but not necessarily. I have had loads of issues in the past trying to rent while on benefits, so when i moved recently I was really stressed out and thinking there would be no agencies or private landlords/landladies that would accept me, but I was surprised that in the town I moved to there were several who were fine with it. Good luck and I hope you find somewhere without too much worry and stress x

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hey Tiffany, sorry to hear this 🙁 I have the exact same thing… I was just reading something yesterday that said that when we have bad dreams it’s our sub-conscious processing things that we’ve experienced.. Personally I think this might be true..? Some people find writing their dreams/nightmares down helps. I don’t know what else helps really cos I am struggling with the same thing.. But hopefully it is just part of the healing process for us. I’m sure that the bad dreams will lessen over time. x

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Hi KIP, yep I plan to. We have to try and keep doing the things which help us feel relaxed and happy 🙂 x

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Hey SunshineRainflower,
Really sorry to read your post about your family 🙁 I think it’s really positive and hopefully therapeutic to be writing all the memories down. I definitely agree that the way your mum and other family members have acted is abusive. Im sorry that you experienced this. It sounds like you are setting healthy boundaries tho. This is so hard I find. I’m actually quite bad at this but am starting to work on my boundaries with people who are abusive or toxic. x♡

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hi Freedomfighter,
really sorry to hear this….sounds so stressful. You’d like to think this male gp wouldn’t have any bias towards what your husband might have said to him about you but abusive people can manipulate so easily, so maybe he has influenced the gp… All you can do is go and speak your truth and ask for the letter. If you feel uncomfortable in any way then just get your sick note and get the letter for legal aid from your other gp asap? Hope it goes ok and your anxiety subsides a bit. Anxiety and panic attacks are the worst 🙁 x

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Argh.. well done for saying no! He probs isn’t “in bits”, just annoyed he isn’t in control and you’ve set a boundary.

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Hi SunshineRainflower,
So sorry to hear you’re feeling low and that things have been so hard and frustrating with your mum and other family members….I can really relate. Must be hard with the financial situation too 🙁 I think your affirmations are great 🙂 hope you have a relaxing day away from the family. Have lots of cat cuddles 😀 x

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Hi ineedtosurvivethis,
Just wanted to add my support again… ♡ I’m so sorry you are having to go thru this and you’re having the shittest response from the police. It doesn’t surprise me tho. Sorry that Paladin weren’t able to help. Maybe keep ringing them and emphasise how scared you are atm. I think going to a refuge sounds like a good idea. It may give you some much needed breathing space. x

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Hi Tiffany,
Aw that’s great to hear 🙂 I had a similar experience. x

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Hi puzzledatlife,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I’m sorry that you tried to take your life ♡ Suicidal feelings are so terrible (I have had them a lot) and I just want you to know you are not alone in feeling this way. Tbh I don’t know the words to say that will help but I do know that that excruciating pain you feel that leads you to want it to all stop, that pain does subside eventually. But I know it doesn’t feel that way…
Your ex is definitely abusing you and your and his kids. Google emotional abuse and ‘discarding’ (he has done this to you many times it sounds like), there are loads of amazing YouTube videos on abuse and it will hopefully help you to get your head around things (it did for me anyway). x

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Hi shine bright 2,
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation.
..losing everything like that must be horrible. Loneliness is the worst. But you will get thru this. Keep posting on here and take things one tiny step at a time. Find something, anything, to keep your mind occupied if you can tho I know it’s not that simple when you are feeling really awful.. x

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Hi Trefle,
I answered your question before reading your post- NO you are definitely not the problem ♡ you are with an abusive person and you don’t deserve any of what he is doing to you and your kids. Keep posting here and learn about abuse. Get help from the national domestic abuse helpline and your local domestic abuse service if/when you feel up to it. I’m really sorry that you are experiencing all of this. x

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Yep, please ring the police and could you go stay somewhere safe for a while? So sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds so awful and scary. Hope things feel a bit better soon xx

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hi Fuzzyfelt,
try not to be hard on yourself and go no contact again. It’s normal to feel like you want revenge on someone who has hurt and abused you… (detail removed by moderator) I was just so unbelieveably angry, mainly at myself, but also at him for getting to me so much), I’m sure most, if not all the other women here have felt they wanted to get back at their exes. I don’t think it’s fair for your friends to be mad with you…it’s maybe cos they care but still…you need a lot of support and love right now. So maybe seek out someone who isn’t angry with you. Someone who will just listen and not judge you. Sorry that you are feeling suicidal- please reach out for help with this. I know how it feels. It’s the worst feeling ever. Just take things really gently and slowly if your brain will let you and try if you can to remember you have been abused and you deserve to take your time to heal and recover. x

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Ah this is such a nice thread, thanks SunshineRainflower for starting it!
Recently I have treated myself to-
– 2 new t shirts, one I had wanted for a while but couldn’t afford it before
– massages (which reminds me I need to book another!)
– tonight I’m going to a new dance class, it’s a kind of dance I wanted to try years ago but never went
– like a few others, I’m planning a couple new tattoos (have saved up at long last), one will be around the idea of self love and one will be to mark my time right after I left my ex when I felt such a sense of freedom ♡
– the other day I bought a self-help book by someone I really like from YouTube, looking forward to reading it while I wait for counselling to come thru

I love having flowers but never buy any for myself but reading this thread I am now going to go and treat myself to some ♡♡

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Hey Greyskydarkdays,
Sorry to hear you feel this way. I can really relate. I have such low self esteem and confidence and get really anxious around people. I’m sure you will get there and slowly build your confidence up. Even tho I haven’t experienced this yet, there are other women who have posted really positive and inspiring stories of them finding themselves and having confidence to do different things. You will get there. Also, well done on your courses, that’s great 🙂 x

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Hey, yep I have this too…it’s really annoying.
I was thinking about this yesterday as something came up which I feel conflicted about cos it’s something I only started doing cos of my ex and now I don’t know how to feel about it… 🙁 anyway, just wanted to say you’re not alone. I think it’s probably pretty common. x

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hey Freedomfighter,
don’t really have advice, just wanted to say i’m sorry you’re feeling this way and struggling so much. Sounds like you have so much to deal with, it’s no wonder you feel like that… hope things start to feel a little easier soon. I know it’s so horrible that feeling of everything falling apart…i know it’s easier said than done but maybe focus just on today if all the future stuff is too overwhelming x

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Hi Freedomfighter, thanks for your reply. Sometimes I worry about posting positive stuff cos I know most of us here are struggling so much.. but on my really down days it can help me too to read other people’s positive experiences so im glad it gave you hope. I hope that next Xmas will be a better one for you x

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Ah sorry you’re feeling so sad. I’m not good at all with dealing with that emotion, I don’t know about you.. :/ and especially around family stuff.
It can feel so so hard to accept when things aren’t actually how we thought they were or how we would like them to be..
I have the same thing when i think about dealing with being ill on my own.. It’s scary and really tough to get thru by yourself. But you’ll be able to do it. It’ll just be a different experience than when you were living with your family. I do get it tho, you want to have someone there when you’re ill. I bet your cat picks up on when you’re not feeling so well. If only cats could make us dinner and cups of tea tho hehe.. 😉
The pressure to be all happy with your family at Xmas time is very real and can make you feel bad when you don’t have that option. I think definitely spend the day doing what you want to do, even if that means being by yourself next time. Who knows where you’ll be at next year, maybe you’ll have connected with someone who you spend it with, or maybe you’ll just want to be by yourself.
Sorry to hear your friends didn’t get in touch. That must feel rubbish. Hope things feel easier soon x

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Aw that’s great Anewbreath 🙂 glad to hear someone else had a nice day. And yeh, I’m starting to see that life can be ok after abuse. Hope you feel better soon x

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Hi Starsbright, so sorry to hear about your situation.. Just on the benefits front, are you able to appeal against your pip decision? Just cos I did and a huge percentage of people who get turned down actually have their decision reversed when they appeal/go to tribunal…I was getting help with mine from a local charity.. also you may be eligible either for jsa or esa. Definitely look into this like Lisa said. There are agencies out there who can help with this. Tbh loads of women don’t leave an abusive partner cos they think they won’t cope on their own financially but actually you can. Good luck x

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I’m so sorry to hear this…. I haven’t experienced stalking but i have heard stuff along the lines of what you’re saying re police not doing much until something really serious happens. Which is crazy… Im sorry you feel so alone. Have you contacted the organisation that was mentioned above??x

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Hi Freedomfighter,
It’s understandable that you feel overwhelmed at times and feel scared etc. It’s a really big thing to leave but it sounds like you’re doing all the right things. I think if your gut feeling is to see a different doctor, then maybe if you can handle it, book to see another one? Since your gp is one of your sources of support at the moment you want to feel safe and comforted when you see them. You can always go back to your other doctor if it doesn’t work out with a new one. Take care x

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Hey, you deserve it too 🙂 and I promise you are not useless! The fact that you are surviving being in an abusive relationship means you will have a massive amount of strength, courage and resilience 🙂 not to mention your diplomas, looking after your kids and I’m sure you have loads of other strengths besides that. I’m sure that as your confidence builds you will make some friends. I’m sorry you are feeling lost and alone..I really know that feeling and it’s beyond horrible. It won’t be forever tho (have to tell myself this too!) x

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Hey SunshineRainflower,
Sorry to hear about your experience of that group… 🙁 am I right in thinking you did the pattern changing one? A friend of mine did that and had a really good experience so I guess it can really vary.. Yeh my freedom group is in person. I have 3 more sessions to go. I have felt some benefits I guess but due to my personal circumstances I don’t think I got as much out of it as some of the other women.. I should be able to do the recovery toolkit one after which I feel is going to help me more, but I don’t know I guess until I do it.

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