NewWings

[NewWings]

Like the idea of skipping through the daisies, but you’re right it’s a really horrible way to get attention. I re read your post and realised she used a picture with your daughter it’s what I thought I read and the more I thought about it the more it reminded me of the behaviour I’ve put up with for years. Can I say they wouldn’t even engage if we did the same. My sister tried to tell me it was coincidence that she turned up on holiday in the same part of the world that I was staying. It was my ex who put her up to it but she volunteered. I am so glad I went no contact.

[NewWings]

I think once you under stand the power of manipulation and the fundamental crashing of boundaries that are necessary for effective coercion to work, you cannot stand it. You saw abuse it’s hard but what you saw hurt you and angered you naturally. When my husband lured my sons away I crumbled, all my divorce paperwork had been lost and my favourite uncle died. It was a perfect storm. I was bereft and then my sister decided to write to my doctors demanding to know my treatment. That I have to say was the final straw. She dismissed any of my boundaries and meddled in my life believing every lie of my no good husband. They would speak regularly on the phone and organise my life. She refused to listen to a word I had to say. What has this got to do with your friend? Their behaviour for one an unwillingness to listen a dismissal of any concerns. My sister has tried to get me to get in contact by sending me a picture of my son! I was so hurt. Another so called friend who had ignored any attempts by me to get in contact, when she heard I wasn’t well tried every trick in the book apps different phone numbers to get me to answer. I so low at that point I didn’t want to talk to anyone. When we eventually met up by chance it was all about her there were tears. I felt bad and said I was not fit then for company. Recently I bumped into her again and she told me she had bad news, all the indicators for cancer, i’d just been to the funeral of a very old friend who’d fought it for (detail removed by moderator). Turns out it’s (detail removed by moderator) so no cancer. My previous instinct was confirmed. This took longer to explain than I thought. You saw behaviour that you felt indicated abuse, you have put in place boundaries, standards of behaviour that you need to be respected. Neither my sister or my now acquaintance will be allowed any real attention. I have enough going on in my life without their drama. I think you did the right thing.

[NewWings]

Hi Kip,got the t shirt too,after an accident where the Dr was assessing my reaction to the collision. My appearance was commented on, middle aged woman slightly overweight! What that had to do with the price of cheese I don’t know. More recently from a female Dr it was, well presented and appropriately dressed. If I’d arrived in a mini skirt and thigh high boots and lots of makeup what would the description been, obviously takes her fashion ideas from Pretty Woman. I just think we are as gender judged by our appearance in a way that men can’t even begin to understand. Its discrimination.

[NewWings]

He does of course want a reaction, it’s food and drink to an abusive personality. They feed off our upset and emotions as it somehow makes them feel alive. My ex did this on a fairly regular basis and not just with me but our kids too. He is someone who requires a lot of attention from those around him. I am so sorry you are going through this but it,s not going to stop. It’s like WA say the first hit is never the last, as a point or line in the sand in terms of acceptable behaviour has been passed. To think something is one thing but to say it or act on it quite another. The devastation caused to the other person is mind blowing because it’s like another person is standing in front of you and in reality that is it. He has removed the mask and you see the real person and it’s not pretty. It sounds as though he maybe a covert narcissist but I suppose I shouldn’t make assumptions. He’s probably scared of the more confident woman you are and so hopes to keep you at home isolated. I’m sorry to tell you but they all do it. Mind games hiding keys,cards etc all to keep you where they can control you. So that even if you are alone at home you won’t leave the property. Grey rock is a method that my sister in law has employed her husband always came over as really nice but then he turned his rage on me and it was volcanic. Interestingly my ex wanted to get of our family car and I saw my world further closing in around me,that’s when I knew I had to get out. Good luck and I would definitely get in touch with women’s aid . You’re a brave woman deserving better.

[NewWings]

Thanks Diymum, I know that only we on here truly understand. My son talks to me like he’s my peer and in a tone that reminds of my sister who sided with my abuser. Putting up boundaries meant that I have had to go complete no contact with her and my ex. Now it looks as though this the next thing that I am going to have to do with my child. However, he is an adult but extremely immature so like his father, they really do seem to indulge in arrested development expecting others to take care of them and clear up their messes. Big hugs New Wings

[NewWings]

I’ve read all of these books and one by Hare on Psychopathic personality disorder. Hare said himself that they are head mashers and that they are so skilled they can even fool him and he’s studied them throughout the penal system in Canada. Those books are invaluable, but a word of warning, my ex kept getting into the house even though I told the kids not to let the keys out of their sight in fact I wouldn’t let them go to his house with them. He must have been in my bedroom as the next thing he’s telling everyone that in his opinion I was a psychopath. When he spoke to me it was horrific as he was so threatening and down right sinister. What do the books say whatever you do don’t tell a psychopath they’re a psychopath. They know the truth alright, but seeing it in print is another story. Why because there is no self reflection, if you tell them what they’ve done they PRETEND they don’t remember and on you go telling them exactly what happened and they don’t care(I think at this stage they’re laughing up their sleeves”. They know EXACTLY what they’ve done and they do it again and again and with multiple partners, because fear works and they mix up fear with respect and they’re generally so self righteous and entitled. Yes they know they’re bullies and they love the sense of power it gives them they wouldn’t dare try it on another bloke or let them know their dirty secret as most men would think this guy is a coward beating up women.

[NewWings]

Hi once they have hit you, its the point of no return. He should have supported you re your boss so you had a bad day so what. There is no way someone who cares about you would say its your fault and that you’re mental. That is exactly the profile of an abuser. This will only go one way, he has now given you your ticket out. He will probably beg forgiveness when he sees that the other tactics have failed. Get gone, change the locks etc. I was never hit and in fact he claimed that I hit him on three separate occasions, this never happened of course. However, I do have a mental health issue that I put squarely down to him, he played with my mind so badly I could have succumbed but I didn’t. Keep strong he is not worth moment longer of your time.

[NewWings]

Thanks for bringing attention to this. I truly belief that only those who have gone through this really understand. By the time I managed to find my voice I was (detail removed by moderator) years too late. He’d been trashing me to my family drop by poisonous little drop. My sister was unable to the resist the catnip of his description of my horrendous behaviour, we no longer speak. I have lost everything but have regained myself. He still tries to control, the latest trying to guilt me by asking me to (detail removed by moderator). He has obviously found parenting our grown children extraordinarily difficult. God help them they believe he will buy them a flat but I’m convinced that he will live with his gf. My family think he’s great and yet he’s badmouthing them in front our kids. What goes on behind people’s front doors is a mystery to most unless were invited in. But it does surprise me that people who you would think would understand what coercive and manipulative behaviour can do or even is seem surprised to hear that family can be duped. I see bullies in my line of work and they are usually the ones that go and say they are the victim to figures of authority. My ex even managed to manipulate someone at my place of work to lie about me. Despite saying that I had done certain things to them yet there was no one who would back them up despite a roomful of witnesses. So it was dropped. I know it was my ex because he alluded to it. Of course if I’d said anything he’d have pointed out that I have mental health issues. So there’s another reason women keep quiet. We have learnt that in a mans world it is very hard for a woman to be heard. And now women are told they have to surrender their phones in a rape cases. Sometimes my mind flips at the stupidity of certain organisations is it any wonder that there are still so many conspiracy theorists out there.

[NewWings]

Yep these are the tactics of an abusive personality, ordinary people wouldn’t behave like that. Playing games is ok if both parties know the rules but if you don’t its abuse. My ex used to pick a fight to get of the house, or he would just shout in a loud voice I’m not eating that, and leave with the words Don’t ask me where I’m going because I won’t tell you. He did that one time and I didn’t react at all, he stormed off and 20 mins later returned obviously worried I might just lock him out completely. He looked a complete jackass. He would also go away for so called work weekends and be completely uncontactable.
Then if I rang he would tell my sister and his brother that I rang him too many times. If I didn’t ring there was trouble too. Now that I have refused to have any contact with him whatsoever, my mental health has improved dramatically and his has got worse. Its all about control and manipulation, if someone contacts you fairly regularly and then doesn’t, its manipulation. I seem to remember something about rats and a lever giving a reward initially the rats got lots of treats and them suddenly the rewards stopped, did the rats stop pressing the lever no, because once in a blue moon they would press the lever and a treat would appear. We humans are the same we hope that we can return to the period before they took of their mask and revealed to us who they really are. No one would ever say to their mark I am a con artist and I’m going to take you for everything you have. They charm and seduce. I would say that I don’t think my ex ever did anything that was spontaneous in our relationship everything was micro managed and manipulated..We would go places and these people that he knew would just happen to be there, or they would turn up at our house on the off chance and then tell me that they thought I should give up working..who were they to tell me what to do? He would pass on stuff I was supposed to have said and then I would be left further isolated. He read everything I wrote, broke locks on boxes and filing cabinets to see how much I knew, stole my phone and then suggested I get another iphone because they share so much info between them. He got (detail removed by Moderator) to break into my (detail removed by Moderator) account and to call the police for me. Even after he left he had to know where I was. I went away for a few days so he got a friend of mine to ring me to find out where I was. How did I know it was him because she hadn’t bothered with me for ages years in fact, so I was frankly suspicious of her ringing me apropo of nothing. When I suggested a catch up she made a big song and dance about having a cold. I have bumped into her several times recently and she has been very sheepish.
These creatures are resourceful and they do help each other where ever they can and usually money is at the heart of it, at least that has been my experience. My ex thinks I should just rollover and give him what he wants which everything I have and my families too. He described me as formidable recently why? because I am his foe, only I always was, I just didn’t know it. He knew there was money and that my father was old and in poor health, when he died and I didn’t get the inheritance he thought I would he was more angry than I was. That’s when things really began to change I was no longer as valuable an asset as I had been. Its interesting to me that his girlfriend has her own busisness, will inherit along with one other sibling a substansial estate form her father who is also old and in poor health. He did his homework there. I believe I was targeted and she has been too. There are way too many similarities and frankly I still don’t anything about his life before I met him, which I think is very odd. I knew nothing and yet was married to him for (detail removed by Moderator) years. If you stop contacting him see what happens, be unavailable.

[NewWings]

I am so sorry to hear this if you can leave. Do you have children? This will not get better believe me, my ex forced himself on me after a car accident the same day. It was so awful I buried it deep probably to protect myself. I couldn’t stop him as the pain of the accident had begun to set in. He would regularly iniate sex whether I wanted to or not. I was so angry one time I deliberately went limp like a rag doll and gave no response he was livid and told me never to do that again. I found out he was on some pretty sick sex sites too, one in particular stuck out (detail removed by moderator) I was repelled and then it hit me, once I became obviously pregnant at about 3 mths he wouldn’t have sex. Why because he hates fat women he used to poke fun at me when I put on weight. So please leave the abuse will never stop once it’s started and can escalate I believe my ex has tried to kill me more than twice.

[NewWings]

Hi Serenity, Just wanted to say thank you for the advice you gave me in the past. They can’t let go and because of this I don’t think they can believe that we want nothing more to do with them. They’re emotionally retarded and everything is about them. When I read about your sis I thought immediately of mine who has thought all along that it is her god given right to interfere in my marriage. Her sense of entitlement knows no bounds and since I have cut her out of my life shes well miffed. This was the woman who followed me on holiday (detail removed by moderator) to almost the exact spot? Why because my nutjob of an ex told her I was going to abscond I imagine. Even now she fishes for any info she can pass on. My last conversation she alluded to my pension and the financial settlement, why because she doesn’t have one and knows that I will probably lose a lot. She even asked how I afforded the holiday, like it was her business. How can your family delight in your suffering? The drain emotionally on you Serenity must be hard to bear especially when your mother expects you to mother her, to cater to her depression. Hmm she sounds like a closet (removed by moderator) to me. The more I read about these people I realise that they do indeed gravitate to each other. My ex has a friend whose wife said he was physically abusive. My ex at the time kept asking me what I thought. I didn’t think he was but I do remember thinking later there was something very off about him. At one point he kept coming on breaks with us and I found my stomach feeling weird. His first wife divorced him very quickly and didn’t take much financially and has never remarried. His second wife has pots of money and her solicitor commented at a party you’ve landed on your feet. Interestingly my ex has hooked up with a girl whose father is very wealthy and she and her sister are his sole heirs he is elderly as was my father. I wonder, my father had money but it was settled on my brother much to his annoyance. These creatures care about one thing and one thing only their own comfort sexually, financially etc etc. They are parasitical in every way and so cutting off their supply leaves them almost in a blind panic. Once they’ve sourced another sucker they can then turn to making sure their ex is well and truly punished. My mother claims she has no money to speak of and must live frugally, this is nonsense as she made sure she got a huge settlement in the will. As the eldest child I did all the work in the house. She would return from town with the last 20mins of food preparation to be done, while I set the table and she didn’t even say thank you. All of us were packed off to boarding school as soon as possible. At nine I was told to do my own washing of clothes as she wasn’t going to. My sister got off scot free as I was doing enough to satisfy my mother. I would never have had my eyes opened had it not been for him. I do as little with my family as possible. They have always thought very little of me because of my mothers attitude to me, its liberating in some ways as I have brought so much shame to the family with having bipolar and divorcing my lovely caring sharing ex lol, that they want nothing to do with me either, other than to compare their wonderful lives. So Serenity you are free perhaps a bit scarred a bit jaded with your birth family, but ultimately a better human being knowing you did your best and that you were worth more than that. Thinking of you.

[NewWings]

You have completely summed up how I feel. I don’t think my abusive ex will ever give up. He is constantly finding out ways to further ingratiate himself with my family doing odd jobs etc and bad mouthing me to get sympathy. Over Christmas the story I was being told was that he was going with our children to my brothers for Christmas Day. Then three days before my brother asks what I’m doing… what? I tell him I’ve already made plans and he said he thought I was coming over to his. Well I have always worked on the assumption you have to be invited first. So I brought over the presents and then went on holiday. My ex brought our adult children to his g/friends for Christmas day and said he thought it was disgusting that I wasn’t there for them. It was him who had made them believe they were going to their Uncles. So it was a setup so that I’d be left alone on Christmas Day. I have bipolar disorder and have managed to work all my adult life. However, he has used this to cover his tracks, he literally has his own gold plated get out of jail card. During my last episode, after which he said I had accused all the males in my family of rape, I found myself further isolated. I know that I didn’t say these things, but he has used my eldest child who is now an adult to say that I did. He tried to come back to social services after an initial meeting to say that I had threatened suicide and the life of my child. Thankfully they saw through this telling him he should have brought this up at the previous meeting and dismissed it. Why did he do this because he wanted to have residency of the family home, after years away and have me committed permanently? So he took the children with him.
WomensAid have been amazing over the years as I keep having to come back as I no longer have any familial support, my Aunt has been a rock ,but there is only so much you can do. Just when I think he won’t sink any lower he does. He has told the courts that I have assaulted him that I spent uncontrollably so I was in debt and that I was delusional when I accused him of infidelity. Three blue tablets say otherwise. So here I am literally on my own, I see my children very rarely… parental alienation and I think I saw my mother 3 times last year. I no longer speak to my sister as she has been my exes confidant for years. I no longer want my brother coming round on some kind of duty call as again he passes information on to his wife who you’ve guessed it passes it on to my ex. People say there is no such thing as evil , but that has not been my experience. He scared the living daylights out of me by coming around to the house they day I returned from hospital and knocking on the door in a way that he never did and I swear using a completely different voice. I have been hospitalised because of him and nearly lost my leg. I know now that none of this was my fault. These guys are however, silver tongued and charm all around them who, let them tell heir tale. My resolution get everything tied up and then I’m off, where to I don’t know yet but, somewhere as far away from my birth family and that sorry excuse for a human being.

[NewWings]

Thanks for your reply my ex too is a good 4ins taller than me. I have always been suspicious of people who try to tell me nasty stories about others there is generally an agenda. I realise now my sister always had her own agenda to make herself the most important sibling,she has had little good to say about myself or my brother. Or the people she worked with they were always the nasty ones. She and my ex are well matched and very covert. How else could he have charmed me. And as you so rightly say when you pick them up on a nasty remark you’re told you’re too sensitive. I must say at times I’ve retaliated but hated myself afterwards. My sister and mother even went round to see my only ally no doubt to enlighten them. Luckily they weren’t well and wasn’t up for a visit. The irony is my mother is jealous of this relationship and yet has made it plain to me she supports my ex. Yep people are far too quick to believe the lies of others but then maybe it suits them too? Lazy thinking perhaps but I don’t think so. Bullies are all the same,in my line of work I see how they operate and they always get their story in first but it always deviates. We’re strong we’ve had to be, as I’ve said before Warriors aswell as survivors.:-)

[NewWings]

Hi Freedom, It sounds as though you are ruminating a lot about your situation and feeling trapped. You mention you are a single mum, is there anyway you could get out for a walk? I have bipolar diagnosed when I was older. My ex used this as another stick to beat me with. I think my Dr realises that I have been living with a huge amount of trauma which can trigger ptsd and bipolar. You are right to fight against labels as they can lead people to assume you are less than capable. Isolation is the thing with perpetrators they know instinctively that if it goes on long enough we will do it to ourselves. Have you ever sat down and written down all your strengths triumphs etc. You completed college something to be very proud of, you are a single mum doing the work of two parents. I can only go on my experience but I decided to not give a dam what others thought of me,especially those that support my abusive ex and that’s a large chunk of my family. How people’s perceptions of an individual can be warped by smearing of their character. My advice is hold your head up did you do any of this to yourself? You were bullied by someone severely enough that it has caused ptsd. You were left with anxiety is it any wonder, the one you loved turned out to be a monster. People who truely love you have your back forever. All of us need love but we were duped by wolves in sheeps clothing. My ex played a blinder lied through his teeth and did everything in his power to keep me in my place. He even got neighbours to report back to him. Practise some self love a relaxing bath a book (books have been really beneficial for me a few chapters and I’m off to sleep straight away)Now I always have a book by my bed. You are smarter and braver than you think. Sadly not every woman gets away and as is born out by my ex and his brother their temper does not get any better. Although my ex has now got my sons,lovely new girlfriend all he does is moan and say his life is ruined and that I did it. They never ever self reflect ever. We aren’t just survivors we are warrior women. Hope this helps.

[NewWings]

Hi I want me back and DIY, can’t agree more with your obs and advice. Funny thing is he is calling me a (detail removed by moderator). No doubt he looked at my reading when he moved back in whilst I was in hospital. He’s not afraid of anything I’ve seen him do daredevil stuff that hardened soldiers would not risk. He is feeling stress because our son isn’t well so he shouts and blames everyone but himself. He has told me the kids won’t be seeing me anymore because of my mental health. They are adults but as you say Diy they are extensions of him. He tried to do the same with me. When I got knocked down and nearly lost my foot he took it upon himself to ring the doctor to suggest I might be suicidal. I’m done I will not be bothering to email him anymore each email is more venomous than the last. He wants me to sell the family home so he and my sons can get a bigger house. Everything is on me. Yet I am paying maintainence and despite not having to pay rent he is living in straitened circumstances it’s laughable. Tomorrow I see the big chief and I know he will be pushing me to retire I’m dreading it. How is it that these (detail removed by moderator) still get under my skin. My father was a wonderful man thank goodness I know better. How I ever got entangled I will never know. Big hugs for you both your support means so much. Until recently a relative was very helpful, but she’s battle weary this divorce is never ending.

[NewWings]

Hi thank you for your support. As I said I can take it, but for my sons to see both their uncle and father indulging in this behaviour is to me unforgivable. Bullying is bullying there is no excuse. But as is so common I was the one who was blamed by my ex for bullying him! They repeat their lies so often they get believed. I was given the option of having him at my treatment meeting, I decided yes and it was traumatic but the team saw him for who he was. He behaved abominably no filter at all and lied his head off. The comment of one of the team was poison pure poison. So now those who are supporting me realise I have been dealing with a seriously disordered individual. I wish my family could have seen it. Last night I spoke to my son who was very low and shaky he is the more sensitive of the two. He was apologising for being a poor son and said he had self loathing. Where does this come from I wonder. I wish I could scare my ex the way he has terrorised me and my sons. I’ve made my mind up I will be leaving once the divorce is through and he will not know my address. Keep strong having got this far we can thrive too.

[NewWings]

You are both spot on. They back each other up no matter what. What I find interesting was my mother in law got into religion in a big way. I remember one hateful Christmas when my father in law tried to bully his grandson into eating his veg it went on and on. Neither his father or my mother in law tried to step in and divert my father in law. (Detail removed by Moderator) after my ex left I was pulled in to see senior management I was accused of pushing a teenager. There were no witnesses(Detail removed by Moderator). Later I discovered the boy in question lived beside (Detail removed by Moderator). So it’s a family of abusers. My mother in law used to wait table on Christmas Day not even after we had all been served would she sit down with us for her Christmas lunch. My husband didn’t think this was strange. I am going to see my solicitor asap and get this down on record. Men like that don’t deserve a partner, and even that is the wrong name as it implies equality. Both of them do as they please because they’re men ha and they are the bosses. Is it any wonder there is still slavery in the world. Thanks again and a peaceful weekend to both of you. Xx

[NewWings]

Ambient gaslighting, removing things which then turn up in very strange places. Items bank cards, keys, almost anything essential.
Going on holiday coming back and realizing someone had been through all personal stuff papers etc
Bank statements going missing jewellery that I had had for years. Response you’re always losing things.
Telling family that I had said horrible things about them and mutual friends none of it true.
Ran my brother down to me, he’s not good at his job his wife would divorce him if it weren’t for the kids yet quite happy to go to concerts my brother had bought tickets for, never reciprocated.
Found blue pills had growing suspicions he was having an affair told he was looking after the pills for friend.
Applied for an extra credit in my name on his account. Company rang him he started giving them my details when I asked why he said they had sent him his new card but no pin. Found the letter where he’d left it with the new card attached it was in my name. I was already in debt and had my own credit card with same company. More sinister was that this was a contactless card. When asked about it he started talking gobbeldy gook.
By far the most upsetting was the disappearance of things and feeling that anything could go at any time and did. I carried a handbag around with me with everything in it.
Told my family that I was the one abusing him and that I had spent thousands on myself to the detriment of my children this all to explain the debt I was in and why I had a breakdown. When I was given diagnosis of bipolar he was even more vindictive and reminded me at every opportunity of my brother who died. I could go on. He was always the long suffering partner.

[NewWings]

Hi There She Ra just came upon your post, I too suffered financial abuse firstly I went to Citizens advice who helped me out but, the last time I was in serious debt as he paid for nothing and I’d been off work on half pay I had no idea who to turn to and WA suggested CAP(Christians Against Poverty). I can honestly say they were amazing, they got in touch with all the various cards etc that I owed money to and helped me set up a way of paying off the debts in 18mths. I can honestly say they were completely wonderful there was no judgement just straight forward advice and practical help. I never thought I could repay these debts let alone in 18mths I was back at work and at times had to use food banks but then you do what you have to do. Hope you get some help soon. Good luck.

[NewWings]

Hi TS you gave me some real insight recently and kind words. Can’t sleep just yet without sharing, we are good parents we care we go that extra bit. But we broke the line and left what for our children was a family. A crazy broken head mashing family for us, but for them the only one they’d known. We took the blame at least I did to protect them. My son came over for the first time in months for his birthday he just wanted the money sad but true. I’ve heard nothing since and he had ignored all contact. How do the abusers get away with it? I think perhaps because they are unequivocal ,they are right and we are wrong make your choice it’s my way or no way. My children were forced to go with him he made them. Let go for now TS, it’s too painful to hold on. You have done all you can. If you blame yourself you are letting the abuser get to you on another level. Hold your head high. I cried my eyes out earlier thinking of my son and when I read your post I think I felt your pain and disbelief. I know my ex will never leave me alone he’s obsessed with being right no matter the cost. Thinking of you.

[NewWings]

Thanks T sister, he’s of an age where he knows right from wrong but is very angry I think because he blames me for breaking up with his father. His father used to quote parts of Mein Kampf to me like repeat a lie long enough it becomes the truth! So really in a nutshell you have it. His father even got him to perjured himself but the powers that be realised it was a pack of lies. How do they do it years of practise within their families of origin? Even in my own there are two flying monkeys helping him spread around vicious lies. No doubt when I’m no longer around I’ve in another place they’ll find someone to bitch about. Both my sister and my ex used to say pretty awful things about some many people pushing me to agree with their point of view. Whether I did or not was immaterial as they went to these people and told them I was a horrible person and had said these things. My sister has been my exes right hand man and has thoroughly enjoyed what she sees as my demise my divorce or rather lack of it my accident where I nearly lost my foot. In none of these situations did she reach out to me. In fact on the day of my near fatal accident she posted about going to the docs with a blood blister. Weeks later she went off on holiday with my ex and children whilst I was left behind on crutches with no one to help! I know my enemy and I know he’s trying to control me either through my son or others. He can’t use my sister anymore as I no longer speak to her. If I talk to my mother it’s about the weather as she passes everything on to my sister. She never talks about my sister to me. As far as I’m concerned my birth family is now his and I want nothing to do with them. I’m just sad that now my sister has no direct contact, he uses our sons. I know in my heart I have done my best these people don’t allow you to parent they compete all the time. They think that everyone who doesn’t think like them is a fool. My mother called me that to my face recently. He has told my sister that I have stashed away thousands of pounds and that I spent a fortune on clothes and jewellery. This was to cover the fact that he paid for nothing and they wondered how I had run up a massive debt! My family have been so involved in my marriage and life for the past (detail removed by moderator) it makes me sick. It also means that they don’t have to look too closely at their own affairs as they can sit in smug judgement of me. Going grey rock with my sister is the best thing I have done in the past year. I miss my niece and my brother in law who are lovely. My sister husband and mother are to me covert they portray one face but because I have sees and suffered at their hands they are terrified that the truth will come out. What they don’t know is that it already has. Thanks again for your support you are such a strong woman and I admire you. I think we are more than survivors we are warriors of the truth we may bend the knee but in our hearts we carry the truth of what real love is. Hope that’s not too preachy. Big hugs.

[NewWings]

Beautifully said Jane Eyre

[NewWings]

It is a war zone in your own home, and the person who you thought was your friend lover has been replaced by a monster. I have been following (Detail removed by Moderator) and he said that only those who have been through it understand and that if you tell others the details of the psychological abuse you can seem like the crazy one. He said that his partner would wake him up in the wee hours by screaming! My abuser played with my mind I often wished he would hit me as at least then I would have something to show. I mentioned gaslighting to a mental health professional and was met with incredulity. I can imagine the assumption “this woman is delusional” I don’t think that anyone outside of this community really gets the levels of psychological bullying that can be meted out. For sometime I actually convinced myself that it was all me and then when I finally realised it was true I wondered who would believe me it was too awful to comprehend. I was right my family believe him to this day,he has told them that it was me. He got to them first and that’s how they do it. I will not be telling others apart from those who understand. Most people don’t want to hear it or just don’t believe it. Maybe now that people are wakening up to the levels of sexual abuse in society they will begin to understand that it is down to access and an innate ability to manipulate and intimidate. No wonder it is so dangerous for us when we decide to leave. Before suffering this I had no idea.

[NewWings]

Thanks for your reply my problem is the smear campaign my ex and his flying monkeys went in for. He had to shut me up and I know that there are so many people who have been warned off. He told everyone he could about my diagnosis and my sister wouldn’t have thought twice about that. She and my mother even went so far as to visit my Aunt who has always supported me. Luckily she made an excuse so they didn’t get a chance to trash me. Why would they even bother to travel all that way to make it plain that I am dangerous, most people I think would say it’s between the two of them. My family would say they were neutral but they have made a point of leaving me out. Recently there was no one to go to a family funeral and despite not having transport I managed to get there. What were my family afraid of that I would say something detrimental about them I suppose? I belong to a small community where everyone knows everyone else so making new friends is difficult. Most of the people I know are married and divorcees are taboo. On the upside I enjoy my own company and have been able to learn a new language and a musical instrument. I’m going to look at volunteering or a sport. However, I still think I will leave as I don’t think he will ever stop coming into the property where I may live. He’s in my opinion (detail removed by moderator) and has to have complete control I am not a person to him I am a belonging. Thank you again for reaching out I really appreciate it.

[NewWings]

This seems to be a typical trait of these losers. They love to run and tales to the police about us. Mine even managed to get my (removed by moderator) to ring the police. They arrived thinking there’d been violence,me against him! Yes they’re arch manipulators and will use anything and anyone to control a situation or person. Look at the way Trump trashed Hilary and then said no hard feelings and yes didn’t he threaten to have her locked up. They think they’re untouchable above the law. They don’t need to obey the law but everybody else does cos they’re stupid. They’re liars of the first water, if they’re talking they’re lying.

[NewWings]

I really can’t imagine how you’re feeling. Maybe like a cast off shoe. Mine ex had a new gf within weeks of leaving. This was simply because he wasn’t prepared to live on his own. These guys see us I think as beasts of burden there to serve them. I read somewhere that living with a narcissist is like being a slave. I don’t know about you but my ex refused to use contraception I wasn’t able to use pill medically. Womens aid pointed out that this is again a form of abuse, disrespect. My ex got (removed by moderator) pregnant he still thinks I don’t know,must admit at time it completely broke me. I went into meltdown. Now luckily I have nothing but contempt for him. Hopefully you will get to a place where you really won’t care anymore. These creatures never change. How can anyone believe that their feelings are genuine..they move on to their next victim at the speed of light. Why because they are parasites that need a host to sustain them. If anything it proves that they need us more than we need them. Take care you’ve had a horrible shock.

[NewWings]

I would imagine pretty pissed off. They can’t manipulate in the same way. That’s why as far as is possible no contact is the way. Mine was so rude to me recently I thought what is the point, why am I allowing someone who doesn’t think the rules of common courtesy apply to me and mine, back into my life even for a nano second.
All that I have read over the past (detail removed by moderator) years indicates that there is no real self reflection with these people. They are simply unwilling to do it and what’s more they will never admit to themselves or anyone else for that matter that they have done anything wrong. If you cross them its all about retribution and making you pay.
I can truly say that I don’t think there is a good bone in my exes body. He treats me as his property even though he has another woman, he found her so quickly I thought she was his mistress and he is still constantly trying to get into the house or intercepting mail. These people will always try to get back in again no matter how much water is under the bridge, another indicator that they are not normal. I’ve heard of them turning up years later just to see if they have a hold on you. They can’t believe it when we call them out on their nonsense and say no more. Perhaps because we put up with it for so long. Sorry but they’re all con artists and no con artist likes it when we don’t believe them, or walk away. Mine recently referred to me as being formidable. Normally I would associate that comment with that of an enemy. They are not normal, so normal rules don’t apply, its way too dangerous to listen to them because they are silver tongued. My ex lied for fun, I don’t think I heard much in the way of truth from him for a very long time, as they get worse. So if one of these people tells you they love you check your pockets as they leave. What they mean is I love the life you afforded me and how you bent over backwards to prove your love for me whilst I did nothing at best or betrayed you at every opportunity. That’s why the bad behaviour gets worse as they have to use even more drastic types of control to keep you from leaving or seeing the horrible truth and it is terrible. I remember the first time it really dawned on me that the horror was real and that I was living a nightmare from which I couldn’t wake up. So now you’ve shut the door be aware that he will be trying to find a new way in and that he will never believe that it is truly over. It is a real shock to them when you call time. Mine even sent my brother round to check if I really meant it. What kind of man sends someone else round to do their dirty work? Just be aware too that this can be a dangerous time when you call time. That is their prerogative. Didn’t mean to go on but it just sort of happened.

[NewWings]

I realise that this an older thread but I just wanted to say that my experience with my own family has been one of abuse too. Only when I realised that my abuser was only carrying on where my family left off did I understand or rather begin to understand why we stay with these men for longer than we should. I think I thought if I stick around and do my best to make this work he’ll believe in my love and return it. Fat chance of that bug then that’s where the cycle would kick and he’d be nice for a while. Exactly the same as my mother. Niether my ex or mother would listen to me, I was shut down immediately, my social worker told me I should confide in my sister not realising she was in cahoots with him. She too knew he was abusive to me but seems to think it’s ok but then she’s my mothers favourite and therefore very like my mother. Towards the end of my fathers life my mother delibrately isolated me from him and he from me. Eventually he ended up being sectioned she used this weapon before with my brother. Now my father was a very strong man but when eventually retired he lost a lot of his joy for life. I did try to tell him that my mother didn’t treat me right but he didn’t see it until the end. He made the mistake of telling her that he had been very disappointed in the marriage and that he married the wrong person. I can’t imagine what she said but it’s interesting that neither my brother or father have a headstone.
If her behaviour isn’t that of a covert narcissist I don’t know what is. (Detail removed by moderator).  My mother never said a word about it, but later after my father died she told me “you know I loved your father don’t you? ” well to my mind actions speak louder than words. She said the same thing to me recently. ” you know I love you don’t you?” Years ago I might have been taken in but all her dealings with me over the years have been less than what a mother should be. It’s so taboo to say bad things about your mother but she has been a monster to me. The scars were all to obvious to my ex and he delibrately aligned himself with mother and sister to carry on the abuse. Their cruelty has to be seen to be believed people who know me have been absolutely dumbfounded by it. Others have just not seen it as they are both pretty charismatic. I now loathe charmers probably because I was taken in. We have all done so much hard work on ourselves to heal and part that halting is realising that we are survivors of abuse on top of abuse. Getting us to believe we’re crazy or hysterical means they get off the hook. Like I asked to be treated like dirt. He knew instinctively that I’d been hurt by my birth family. My mother can’t give love and neither can he. It’s hard to bear the truth at times that those who are abused by family are further abused by their partners. It’s like a double whammy and leaves us with a lot more to deal with psychologically. I know now that I truely am worth it, some days I don’t feel it but other days I can see that I am now free from still wanting them to love me back. Yes I wasted my love on them but you know what that’s ok now too. They don’t have the power to manipulate that they did. The littlest contact I have with any of them the better. I’m polite but that’s all I share nothing but trivialities with them as they too manipulative and therefore dangerous to share anything but the wether forecast with. Lol

[NewWings]

Hi there I had the same advice given to me by two different solicitors to leave for the sake of my mental health but, how could I leave my children to the tender mercys of their father. I knew there had to be a better way and there was, I got a (detail removed by Moderator) and was able to get him out. He still does everything he can to manipulate me but I ignore it and pretend it hasn’t happened. He did get the (detail removed by Moderator) overturned but that was because he was prepared to pay. Its funny how important their reputations outside of the home are to them. He makes a very big deal about being honest and a good guy. Good people generally don’t they just get on with it. Try to find a solicitor who will listen to what you have to say. My ex never hit me but he threatened and would take keys etc so that I wouldn’t be able to leave. He also took passports and gave them to (detail removed by Moderator).

[NewWings]

Please enjoy every moment you have with your child. I lost my boys to my abuser (detail removed by moderator). For years now he has been stalking me even when we were married. There was no way of proving it as he always managed to gain access without any obvious sign of entry. During the winter my security lights flickered on and off until they blew and then my heating starting coming on and going off independently of the timer. These were repaired. As usual my family celebrated Xmas with each other and left me and the boys out. I’m afraid I lost the plot and was hospitalised voluntarily during that time my ex moved back in again even though in the eyes of the law my children are adults. I had to go to court to get back into my own home. He has lived with his gf from almost the moment he left so why move in to gain access to my paperwork for the divorce which he promptly disappeared.
I have had no support from my family they openly back him. My sister even had the nerve to write to my doctor demanding to know what my treatment was. I was so shocked this time that I decided to go no contact. To say that my sister is antagnostic is an understatement she even followed me to an obscure holiday destination as no doubt my ex told her I might disappear with my children. She tried to make out that this was just a coincidence. (Detail removed by moderator) What was I thinking? Now I am on my own rarely seeing my children estranged from my sister and let down by my mother. I am seriously thinking of relocating when my divorce comes through. I feel that my ex has used a sorched earth policy against me and won. He has been in contact via my brother supposedly to ask my advice about our younger son! Why now because I have stuck to my guns and not bothered with my sister (detail removed by moderator). My problem is this he chased most of my friends away to the point that I feel there is nothing left to stay for. I hope someone will give me some insight. I thought naively that after (detail removed by moderator) years out I was safe, my God was I deluded.

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