Secretlife

[Secretlife]

His behaviour is a form of control (detail removed by Moderator). I’ve been experiencing this behaviour for many years and it has made me feel so utterly miserable and unhappy…… that’s how they want you to feel because they are inadequate and insecure people themselves. But, I’m pleased to say that since joining this forum and learning about abuse, I have tried to handle these situations differently. Although it is very hard to do, I simply don’t react at all! They do this because they want you to react and be affected by their sulking,so by showing no reaction at all and carrying on as if everything is fine, their plan isn’t working. It really isn’t easy to do but, slowly, over time, he’s stopped doing it as much and now it’s only occasionally. It’s also interesting to watch his reaction when I don’t react at all. The mood does get worse before it gets better as he’ll be trying so hard to get to you, but stick it out if you can, and keep doing this. I think with practise, and the more knowledge you gain about abuse, it does become easier to do. You’ll also get stronger emotionally and feel less confused about how he is treating you. I would recommend the book ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft, this book changed my world. It provided me with an understanding of what I’d been experiencing for many years and I’m a stronger person now as a result of the book and this forum. Xx

[Secretlife]

Hello Gettingtired

I am so sorry to read your post and I wish I had the answer. It sounds like he wants you to be as miserable as he is feeling, and after last night he has succeeded. You’re not alone and have the support of everyone on here. I’m sure there’ll be some good advice from someone who is further on their journey than we are. I hope today is a better day. Sending love and a hug xx

[Secretlife]

Hello nbumblebee

I am so sorry things are so bad for you. You say you want to find a way of letting him know how he makes you feel. Unfortunately men like our husbands aren’t the least bit interested in how we feel, our feelings don’t matter to them. They choose to behave like they do, and know what they are doing, they are devious and manipulative. And, everything is always our fault, they take no responsibility. Personal experience has taught me that trying to explain is absolutely pointless, and indeed, all the books say this too. Getting into battle about your feelings is a waste of emotional energy, and it’s exhausting.

It is so very hard to keep going, as I am finding at times. Whatever you do, don’t give up your job as this is your only mental release and escape from being at home, it’s vital you keep going to work. I think if I were you I’d contact WA for support and help now, and advice on what to do and how to cope etc. Remember, you are getting stronger and that is what he doesn’t like. Keep going nbumblebee, don’t let him take everything away that you have worked so hard to achieve. Thinking of you and sending hugs xx

[Secretlife]

There is just one thing your husband is right about – the fact that you have changed. You will have changed the day you joined this forum. Your whole view on your relationship will never be the same again because you have learnt so much and now know that the way your husband behaves towards you is not normal or acceptable. You have learned that what you have been putting up with for years is not your fault and that you are not some crazy mentally deranged woman that he has made you out to be. You will never be the same person you were pre forum. You have started on a journey to become stronger and you are doing more things for yourself. He is losing control and cannot deal with this. His mission now is to stop you doing these things. Nbumblebee, don’t ever give up your job. You are doing so well. Although I don’t have the answers or the experience of many of the women on here, and I am still stuck with my abuser because I haven’t got the guts to leave…. yet, I do know for sure that I will NEVER be the person I was before joining this forum. It has completely changed my mindset. Try and stay strong and focused on your happiness. Sending you a hug xx

[Secretlife]

I think unless you’ve experienced domestic abuse yourself it’s very hard to understand what it actually feels like. I saw a highly qualified person and spent a large amount of money. Their advice to me was “to make the most of the good times as he will never change” – appalling advice, I now realise after joining this forum.

[Secretlife]

My situation is very similar to yours. One of the things that holds me back is having no one to support me. I don’t have family and although I have friends, they don’t live particularly close and wouldn’t be the same as family if I needed support, so this really keeps me trapped here. It will be helpful for me to see the replies to your post, thank you xx

[Secretlife]

Hello Gettingtired

I am sorry to read this. I can imagine how hurt you must feel about him speaking to a family member. Would it be worth opening up to this family member about exactly what is happening to you? They could become a good source of support for you? I do know what you mean about the evil look and I have taken advice from what the ladies are saying above. I do also find thesedays that when he is at his worst (usually after drinking) it actually fuels my determination to leave, and enables me to become just that bit more detached emotionally from him, which is a good thing in helping me build strength to one day leave. I really hope you have a better day today. Sending a virtual hug 🤗 xx

[Secretlife]

I wish you lots of luck, you have done so well to get this far. Keep going and never look back. Stay positive and focused. Huge WELL done to you xx

[Secretlife]

Thank you for sharing, I have noted what you say as I prefer to try alternative therapies before medication x

[Secretlife]

Thank you so much Grey Rock for sharing this. I have just failed at my first attempt to leave, but the fire within me is still burning and I desperately want to get out of this relationship. So, your post is enormously supportive and helpful as I need to look at doing and planning things differently in my next attempt. I don’t know what I would do without this forum and all the knowledge on it, once again, thank you xx

[Secretlife]

Thank you Eggshells. I’m feeling more positive today. Your message is very inspiring, thank you xx

[Secretlife]

Thank you Eggshells and Wants to Help for your replies. I’m realising this is not an option, I think I would go under mentally. I’m going to explore other options. I have been talking to my husband about a trial separation, I would have no intention of coming back, but he has agreed to help with rent (which I would of course get upfront from him). This would give me breathing space and the chance to start divorce proceedings and I would not then be living in the same house. Today, quite coincidentally a friend has said her tenant us leaving…… So, maybe there is a possibility – I am so scared, I’m almost frozen. I know I have to get myself out. Thank you ladies for your advice and support xxx

[Secretlife]

Thank you Hazydayz for this. It would certainly be very difficult, but things are difficult and very grim now! Your response has confirmed I do need to contact WA or similar for advice. Thank you, that information is good to be aware of as I move forward xx

[Secretlife]

Thank you Whisky Rose. I will look at these websites. I have visited one solicitor for free advice, but may try a another one. I hope you’re OK and I wish you success in your efforts to sort things out. It’s an awful time isn’t it. Many thanks xx

[Secretlife]

All the responses above are really helpful and informative to me, particularly at the moment as I’m struggling. I will be reading them over several times. And this is why this forum is essential. Emotional abuse is something that few understand, until you are in the thick of it. So many women, like us, are living miserable lives. This forum provides not just understanding, but knowledge. This knowledge clears the smoke away and enables us to see the real abuser we are living with. We can then make choices about the rest of our lives. I don’t know how I would have survived without this forum, it changed my world and is helping me move forward to a better life. Thank you to everyone for all the support given.

[Secretlife]

My husband has also accused me of being abusive to him. There is such a thing as ‘reactive abuse’, living in the situation we’re all in surpressive and tough, and for me, days or weeks of silent treatment have lead me to explode with anger and frustration many times. Google about reactive abuse as it may help the way you feel. And, don’t forget, abusers never take any blame for their behaviour and actions and they will always make out that everything is our fault, and caused by us. Go, go and see the solicitor, it’s usually very valuable and reassuring advice – I speak from experience here xx

[Secretlife]

Hello Stuckinturmoil

I sought legal advice pre covid, and it was valuable advice and reassuring regarding what I could realistically expect from a divorce. Like you, I did suggest a separation, but for me this was a sweetener to just get out, but, he said no, it’s divorce or nothing. From what I have learnt from this forum, no contact is the best way and I would welcome this. Its a little easier for me in a way as I moved into his house, and it has never felt like my home anyway, so leaving it will not be an issue. I also have no feelings for him and will never allow myself to feel sorry for him after all he has, and still is, putting me through. Let’s see if we can get some advice from my post to help us both move forward. Good luck with your appointment, you’ll be glad you went, I bet! Take care and stay safe xx

[Secretlife]

I have spent years trying to explain to my husband how his behaviour is affecting me and our relationship. It all been a waste of time, he doesn’t listen to a word I’ve said. He has never given me any emotional support when I most need it and I now realise he is emotionally dead. Recently I’ve reached the point where I can’t go on like this and we have discussed divorce. He shows no emotion, takes no responsibility for how things have become and simply tells me that I need to see a solicitor and start proceedings. He then continues daily life as if nothing has been said!! I’ve given up trying to understand him and instead think about how he is affecting my health and my need to leave him. I’ve been with him for many years now and I know he will never change. These men don’t deserve us. Xx

[Secretlife]

KIP, what you describe above is exactly what has happened to me, and the revenge is awful, even worse than it was before. I felt so strong, but now I’m just crumbling again and weak – and he is seeing this which makes him feel in control again. Be careful Gazebo, go to your appointment, it could be so valuable to you xx

[Secretlife]

Hi nbumblebee

Thank you for asking. I’ll be OK, today’s a new day. I know what I need to do, just haven’t got the strength to do it at the moment. I feel so worn out by it all. We all know this feeling but cantmakedecisions’ post has lifted my spirits xx

[Secretlife]

Thank you so much for posting such a positive, inspirational message. I needed to read this today as things are really horrible at the moment. I was going to sit and have a good cry, but I feel inspired now instead. Thank you. And, WELL DONE to you. Sending love xx

[Secretlife]

You haven’t done anything wrong. You are a normal, healthy person being made to feel you doing wrong. A few years ago, I could have written your post. For many years I thought being given the silent treatment was all down to me saying or doing something to upset him. I tried so hard to make everything be OK, trying to please him and always putting his needs first. This eventually became exhausting. His silence treatments worsened over the years and lasted longer and longer, I found them absolute torture and like you, I would eventually explode with anger and frustration and he would then accuse me of abusing him – I wasn’t allowed to get angry. I, like you, then worked hard on myself not to get angry. I think at this point I began closing down inside. He was destroying me, and the person that I am. I realised he wasn’t accepting me for who I truly was and was trying to manipulate me into who he wanted me to be. I was losing my true self and became deeply unhappy. At this point, long story etc, but I discovered this forum, which saved my sanity. Initially it was a huge shock to learn I was in fact experiencing emotional abuse. I have since learnt so much more about this subject and it is hugely reassuring to know there is nothing wrong with me. His behaviour is abusive and he is highly unlikely to change. I am still with him, but I will leave when I feel I can. What I would like to say to you is think carefully about your future with him, the chances are he will not change. You will feel stifled by him, and the hardest thing is feeling you cannot be your true self. My mental health has suffered enormously from his years of abuse and I am emotionally quite weak thesedays. But, knowledge is power and I am coping better than I was before joining the forum. I would recommend reading ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft, you can download this book for free. This book changed everything for me and helped me understand his behaviour. I hope I haven’t waffled too much here and I hope you find this useful xx

[Secretlife]

I agree with Bananaboat, the research I have done and the things I have learnt have helped me recognise and understand what is going on, which has lead to acceptance. But, that said, when I first joined this forum I knew nothing and initially went into shock/numbing mode. Give yourself time for what is happening to you to sink in, at first it is a disbelief xx

[Secretlife]

Nbumblebee, having my job as saved my sanity. I honestly feel I might have had a breakdown otherwise. Indirectly, it has also given me inner strength to stand my ground with him. It’s so true what the ladies say above, don’t waste your energy trying to explain and reason with him, he will never see your point of view, understand your needs or appreciate your feelings. He will also never encourage or congratulate you on anything. I have found that accepting this and no longer wasting my energy on trying to explain things has helped me enormously. My happiness no longer depends on his happiness. Things are still tough at times, but, overall, I’m coping much better than I was before I joined this forum. Stay strong Nbumblebee, you can do this! Xx

[Secretlife]

My husband hates me going to work. I do as many hours as I can just to get away from him. Work is my salvation, my sanctuary, and a place where I can truly feel and be myself. What Eyesopening says above about the more you learn about why and how they behave does make things easier. I’ve stopped playing his silly games now and although I do find things hard sometimes, I don’t show this anymore and as a result things are definitely easier. He knows he has to accept me working because it is NOT going to change.

Stick with the job, the pleasure you will get from going to work and getting out the house will be worth it, it really will xx 🤗

[Secretlife]

Hello Mime

Firstly, don’t ever feel you’re a drain on this forum, there is no such thing, we are all here for you, as we are for each other as and when there is a need. Your situation is not your fault. Please seek help, I’m not sure exactly what to advise but the ladies on here will know more. I think I would contact my gp and seek advice from Womens Aid. Please, please contact someone for help. Xx

[Secretlife]

Hello Mime

I am so sorry to hear things are so tough for you. I can relate entirely to your post. Giving me the silence treatment because I have said or done something he doesn’t like is my husband’s speciality. I have spent years apologising, sometimes not even realising exactly what it is I’ve supposedly said or done just to end the silence treatment. It is emotional torture,and he knows it! It makes me feel utterly miserable and usually ends when I completely crumble and break down or when I explode with anger and frustration, and I am then accused of abusing him!

But, since joining this forum, my world has changed. I have learned a lot from reading others’ posts, watching YouTube videos recommended by the ladies on here, and most importantly I have read the book ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft (which can be downloaded for free). This book changed everything for me. It explains in detail why our abusers choose to behave like they do towards us. This knowledge has enabled me to adopt a different mindset which helps me cope and I no longer crumble or get angry, there is no point. I still struggle at times, and have bad days, but things feel so different and I feel stronger within myself. He still gives me the silent treatment, but he seems to give up when I don’t react like I used to. I’m sure as time goes on he’ll find some other tactic to get to me, but I’d like to thing my newly found coat of armour will continue to help me. I have said before in my posts, and this makes me smile to myself, this forum is my secret weapon! I do plan to leave ultimately, I have accepted he will never change and I will not continue to live a miserable life with him.

I really hope my little bit of advice helps you here. Sending you a hug 🤗 xx

[Secretlife]

This is fantastic news! I am so pleased for you. I speak from experience, it will do you the world of good and make such a difference to how you feel about yourself. Huge WELL DONE! I feel all the ladies on here are cheering for you! Xxx

[Secretlife]

Hello Stargazing1

Thank you for posting. I still have days when I feel weak and beaten by it all, but those days are not as often as they used to be before I discovered this forum. It is very comforting to know you are not on your own, and there is support here whenever you need it from people who understand completely. I have also learned about books and videos recommended by the ladies on here and these have been enormously helpful in gaining an understanding of abuse. I found the book ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft very, very helpful, and I have watched several videos on YouTube by Dr Ramani and Les Carter which have been very informative. I find knowledge is power, and this is really helping me cope. I’m still with my abuser, but I am planning my escape. I am now in a very different place to where I was before joining this forum, so hopefully, in time, I will have the strength to leave. Sending you a virtual hug 🤗 xx

[Secretlife]

This is such an interesting post, thank you Ghost for your post. ISOpeace, you explain things in such an amazing way and I have read, and re-read your post several times with great interest. Sadly I can relate to so much of it. Particularly I have spent years trying to introduce changes into our married life and he chooses to never adopt any of them, I didn’t understand why and I have often felt extremely frustrated about this. I know why now, and this is something else I can add to my list of him not accepting me for who I am. It’s also interesting when you talk about power. As I am gaining knowledge, I can feel my strength building so much, I actually feel ‘powerful’ at times and I can now see the weak, inadequate man I am married to. I feel the dynamics of our relationship are shifting very slightly. I sense the feels I am becoming stronger and I know he is changing his tactics accordingly. I’m trying to stay one step ahead, but it’s not easy. I still have bad days, but I suddenly realised the other day that I don’t cry nearly as much as I used to. All this is largely down to this forum, the book I have read ‘why does he do that’ and the YouTube videos I watch on abuse. Knowledge is power, it really is, and I’m working really hard mentally to get myself out of this situation. I’ve waffled here, sorry, but this post has been enormously helpful to me. Thank you so much Ghost and ISOpeace xxxx

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