Yellowflower

[Yellowflower]

Sorry for my slow reply! Yes it was a very big lie about his life and events that had happened. Basically an unthinkable lie. Now his threatening suicide and I know this could be a tactic but I can’t help but let it panick me. His trying to justify how his treating me by saying it’s not as bad as the last person I was with because it’s not physical abuse like it was with him so why can’t I give him another chance when I gave that man loads. I think I keep saying to myself well is this man abusive? But then I think it doesn’t matter if it can be classed as abuse it’s just not right to treat someone like that is it. Sorry to go on x

[Yellowflower]

It was the best thing I could have done. So nice to meet people who actually understandZ you feel like you’ve all been with the same person. Be warned though it can be trigerring and emotional but you develop such knowledge on how these men work and what to look out for in the future. Hope it’s as empowering for you as it was for me. Big hugs xx

[Yellowflower]

I’ve been reading all the replies and just wanted to check that you are ok. What your going through must be so hard. No one can tell you what to do but I know from my own experience my abuser stepped it up a gear when I was pregnant. Screaming in my face wears a daily occurrence as it has always been but there was a real sense of he felt I was going no where now. I had no support not emotionally not round the house just constant criticism. It was like he told himself I can’t physically hurt her now but I can still shout and scream in her face that’s fine that won’t affect the baby. But we all know the stress these men put us through. That isn’t good for a baby and had health impacts on my unborn child. When my baby was born it became hell and with a very young baby aswell it was really hard. Now years later his still there still using his flying monkeys and trying to affect my life as much as he can. Just do what you feel is right for you in regards to keeping the baby. You no one else it’s your body and your life! But like the ladies say bare in mine what these men are like and it won’t be a simple case of walking away. Big hugs hunni x

[Yellowflower]

Hi PB reading this today really has made me cry. Our stories are so similar. It is abuse and what his doing to you is so wrong darling. You deserve so much more than this. I know when your in it it’s so hard to see through the fog but please start to read up on abuse and the tactics they use. Once I started seeing the pattern and recognising what he was doing it was like something just switched and I said no more. He hates your family and friends because he wants no one close to you that could possibly help you see him for what he is. He wants you home for certain times because he wants that power over you knowing it will make you panicky and rushing home. He believes his entitled to these sexual acts whenever he feels like it because he sees you as his property. There’s a life out there waiting for you and your son I promise you a life of peace and not walking on egg shells. Keep posting on here these ladies are amazing x

[Yellowflower]

Thank you fizzylem and kip for your replies. I think I’m still carrying a lot of guilt for splitting the family up as he says. This time last year I was covering everything up to everyone pretending we were this happy family and that everything was ok. That I was ok..but deep down I was screaming inside. I couldn’t cope anymore with it all and I wanted him to recognise It and get help so badly. I didn’t want to let go of that dream of being this lovely family I’ve always wanted because at times we were. That’s why I think it’s so hard to just move on like he does. I loved him with everything I had and it’s just hard to accept that he didn’t love me and that he abused me. That’s something I’m working on trying to accept and understand. I do feel sad that his missing out on so much. But I have to remind myself his had chance after chance to put it right and he says I’m the abuser. I will make new memories tomorrow with my family… not how I thought it would be but I still have them to love with all I am. I hope you both have a wonderful Christmas I really do xx

[Yellowflower]

Good for you Landy! Enjoy! I very much remember this he hated Christmas and I could never understand how you could hate Christmas. The decorations the present giving the family gatherings he hated it all. Now we get to enjoy christms at peace. I hope you have a lovely one xx

[Yellowflower]

I think what I struggle with is he could be nice. There is a part of him that I love very very much. I don’t know how I’ll ever get over him. Did he ever love me? I’m just heartbroken and I don’t know how to feel any differently. Did he know what he was doing? I’m sorry I just feel so lost. I don’t know how to get through this I thought I’d feel ok in time but I don’t x

[Yellowflower]

Please don’t worry about him. My abuser constantly told me he would kill himself or really struggle mentally if I was to leave. I left and the first thing he did was to go out on the pull and sign himself up to loads of dating sites. These men are all the same don’t be fooled hunni. You’ve come so far already your incredibly brave and I promise the pain does fade xxx

[Yellowflower]

I’m sorry to tell you speaking from experience for universal credit your income is a household income. So your partners income will be taken into consideration for any claim. This would also include help with housing costs. Kip is right if you so try to claim as a single person while living with him you can guarantee he will threaten you with this. What his doing is financial abuse and control. Don’t let him have that power any longer x

[Yellowflower]

Colouringfairy kip is right a good support network is vital. I’m afraid to say your friend doesn’t understand it and that’s not her fault but I think you need to surround yourself with people who do get it. Have you thought about doing the freedom programme. It’s honestly been a huge life line for me. Educating myself and openly talking about it with other ladies who have been through what we have. They will be the ladies who just get it. You are not alone I promise you and you can do this. It’s one step at a time there are people who will understand. X

[Yellowflower]

I know how you feel I felt exactly the same the exhaustion is overwhelming. What’s so hard to accept is that isn’t the real him hunni. These men simply don’t have it in them to love. I’m not trying to take away good memories you must have and boy I hold on to mine too so I don’t feel completely like it was all a lie.. but this man is the true him. You can’t fix him or change him he has to want to do that himself and recognise what his doing to even begin to try and change. Even then statistics show its nightly unlikely they ever do. Take five minutes and think so you honestly want this for your whole life? It may also get worse in the future. Keep educating yourself keep going and one day you may surprise yourself how much strength you do have. You deserve so much more xx

[Yellowflower]

Yes hunni I’m afraid to say he was abusive. Look up the definition of assault too… he doesn’t have to physically be hurting you the threat is there. For me the emotional abuse is taking a lot longer to get over than the memories of the physical abuse. That’s because they get in your head they make you so confused so lost in the fog that you lose your sense of right and wrong. It’s a classic abusers tactic to spread rumours and try and blacken your name when you split up. Your abuser doesn’t want anyone thinking he was to blame… after all his so perfect isn’t he. Please don’t take note of the emails. They can have been very easily forged as I know from experience my ex did something similar in a bid to make me feel bad… it’s all lies. Depression does not make someone abusive it’s a choice.. I can guarantee he can turn the abuse on and off when people are around.. I used to think my ex didn’t know what he was doing until I sat and thought about that statement. It shows they are in control and he chose to abuse you. Google the cycle of abuse. His being nice to you now to try and suck you back in because his realised his other tactics aren’t working for him. You have been so brave leaving him don’t let him be a factor in your life a second longer. You need to go no contact hunni. I know that’s very hard but it’s the only way this will all stop. You don’t need people like that in your life. You deserve much more. X

[Yellowflower]

Sometimes honestly yes I do… I miss him being their with our family. Bring a couple and sharing the joy in our children’s milestones and celebrations… then I removed the drama and arguments he would cause before them. I remember the screaming and shouting at me and then turning it off as soon as someone was around. So instead I take a deep breath and enjoy the moment knowing I’m free and that no one will ruin or take them moments away from me. X

[Yellowflower]

Your really not a bad mom hunni. All of ladies on here know how hard the trauma bond can be to break. Have you thought about reading some books on abuse to begin with? Lundy Bancroft why does he do that is an excellent read. Educating yourself can really help to see it for what it is and to see what you deserve. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. You don’t deserve for you and your child to have to be in a refuge you deserve so much more. Both of you do. You question why his mom has said those things. That’s because his already got to her an poisoned her thinking.. just like I’m sure he will have done to you in the past she believes him. There’s a saying I love….. when a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth as you did…. you know how believable and manipulative he can be that’s exactly what his doing to his mom. Another thing that I feel would be a huge help to you is the freedom programme. Meeting ladies that are in similar situations and educating yourself on different types of abuse. It’s so hard when your in the fog but stepping away and trying to educate yourself may give you the push to realise you don’t need this toxic man in your life in any form hunni. Xx

[Yellowflower]

I’m sorry I’m not much help here… but yes I feel completely the same! I’m very anxious around men and luckily the work I do I can manage to avoid them… but I can’t live like that forever. I am completing the freedom programme. Have you thought about doing that? So far it’s making me realise that in the future if I could ever ever be with a man again I’d know exactly what I’d look for and know the red flags.. I think that would help you too to understand their are warning signs and not all men are the same. Big hugs though hunni I do know how you feel xx

[Yellowflower]

I’m currently completing the freedom programme. I too sat down and felt like a fraud for being there…. that was until the course has started to develop and it’s honestly like we’ve all been dating the same man. Please please bare with it and I promise you it will help you see the abuse for what it is. Abuse it comes in many forms and we need to educate ourselves to even begin to digest it. The ladies on my group are becoming closer the more we share and I honestly feel like I’ve made friends who completely understand. We don’t know everyone’s story and their are people in my group who sit there and don’t talk. Their is a lady who has lost two children… but she does look like she has the world on her shoulders. We don’t know others stories please do this for you. I promise you it will be worth your time hunni x

[Yellowflower]

It is a typical abusers response. Since I left for good my ex has totally ignored I exist mainly I think because I’m the one to usually feel bad and go running back for forgiveness for something I don’t even know what I’m apologising for! By telling you he loves you his planting the seed that he is the loving person you want but his shown you his true colours now. My ex tried every tactic before I left…crying, angry, degrading me making me feel no one would ever want me. It’s all tactics please stay strong don’t let him get into your head. You’ve come so far already xx

[Yellowflower]

Thank you ladies. I’m just struggling to shake it off at the moment. I just feel incredibly sad. Sad that I couldn’t get him to get help. Sad that he lied to me so much. Sad that I wasn’t enough for him. Sad that I don’t know if he ever really loved me. I just miss my little family together. I don’t feel strong not at all. I keep questioning wether I’ve done the right thing for me and my family. I just don’t know if I can do this. A future that I really didn’t see happening. I thought he would get help for us.

[Yellowflower]

Thank you both for your reply. You are right I know I wouldn’t have got those things had I stayed… I did have a good times with him though dates that were so lovely and he made me laugh and I felt like a princess… but I guess that was only for a short period and the odd occasion it felt like he could turn it on and off if that makes sense. Like we could do something together and it would make remind me how much I do love him and how amazing he could be… then days later he would be screaming and shouting in my face again. I did give it absolutely everything I had I was exhausted but I never wanted to walk away I really didn’t I just couldn’t take been spoken to like that again and infront of our children. I just miss being a family I guess the tiny glimmers of hope I was given at times I know they never lasted. I often wonder if I should have stayed and done anything differently to get him to see he needed help… but I don’t know how I could of. At the moment I’m finding out about slot of things he lied to me about and that hurts it really does. I don’t know where the truth begins and the lies end. I loved that man with everything I am.. I still do and I wish I could turn it off. I guess that’s why I feel guilt his not seeing them because I still blame myself for all this. I know that’s silly and I shouldn’t but I’m their mommy I was meant to give them a happy family home. Xxx

[Yellowflower]

I do too. I look at friends relationships in a new light now it’s shocking when you see it for what it is x

[Yellowflower]

Congratulations you should be so proud if yours self! And that’s great you have such supportive managers! Well done you xxx

[Yellowflower]

When a toxic person can no longer control you they will try to control how others see you. The misformation will seem unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth, just like you did.

[Yellowflower]

Yes you are right completely! He wants to give the councillor the idea that you are the problem. Give him the chance and he will gaslight her these men think they can pull the wool over anyone’s eyes. Insist he does not attend this is for you. If you have to explain in a few weeks you will give him an opportunity to speak to your councillor. If you let him lead your councilling there will be no point of you going because you won’t be open to talking especially with him there. Trust your gut hunni

[Yellowflower]

Dancing in the rain. What his doing is projecting how your feeling back at you. He knows exactly what his doing. It’s like a child having an argument in a playground saying you did this and the other child saying no you did it because they don’t want to get into trouble. What his doing is classic gaslighting. These men are so clever he knows you will feel so guilty if you believe you are the problem. Believe me for a long time my partner told me I was the problem. Sit back and think how have you behaved in the relationship do you honestly think you would have caused him to feel this way? It’s absolute rubbish and his belittling how you feel. Don’t get sucked in to that fog hunni you know who he really is as hard as that is for you. You deserve so much better❤️

[Yellowflower]

Wibbles well done. You are so brave taking that step I know how hard it is. I’m unsure of your situation but your probably right he thinks you will just come back. Especially if you have left and gone back before. Stay strong and know you’ve done the right thing for your children. They deserve a life free from seeing their mommy abused. I’m sure he will find the house very lonely and quiet but don’t let him talk you back into coming home. If he loves his children he should give you the home and move out. That’s what a real man would do but these men never see it do they? You’ve done a very brave thing today be very proud of yourself❤️

[Yellowflower]

Your grieving for the man that you loved. The man you thought he was it’s natural. I cannot recommend enough trying to educate yourself in abuse. I’ve read many books and they are a great insight into their minds. Yes I do very much struggle with it but I get my highlighter out and I go through a book and pick out things I can really relate to. That helps so much when I’m questioning why I left. Your little boy will be ok I promise you. You are a fantastic mommy and have done the right thing for him. No one deserves to live in a home where daddy is abusing mommy. You may think he would never know but kids are clever. Im sure he would hear the shouting while he lies in bed. Or learn to see the looks daddy gives mommy. Or know when to leave daddy alone because his in a mood. Your little boy deserves better than that he deserves a mommy who’s free to be herself. Who shows him that isn’t the right way to treat a lady. So that when he grows up and dates he is a gentleman and he knows what is right and wrong. That’s what being a mommy is all about. So please don’t beat yourself up about wether you did the right thing for you and your boy. I promise you you did❤️

[Yellowflower]

I can really relate to how you feel. You are happy for your friend of course you are but it’s so hard at the same time to see love all around you. Like you i believed my ex was everything the one I’d been looking for. These men sure hook us in. Please don’t be hard on yourself you’ve gone through such a traumatic experience and need to be kind to youself. Of course you are worthy of love and when the times right it will fall into place. You need to build yourself up first. Know your self worth and know what your boundaries are moving forward. Those good guys I believe are out there. I’m sure you know people who have fantastic partners not all men can be bad. But also remember that what you see from the outside isn’t always what it’s like at home. We know that only too well. I know how much it hurts to miss someone this much. I try to write lists of things that come into my head that he has done to hurt me. It’s taken me months to remember it all I think I blocked a lot out. Whenever I feel that pull I look at them and they are all the reasons not to go back to him. I deserve love and so do you one day it will come. We all deserve someone to adore us as we do them. Keep going one baby step at a time and be kind to yours self❤️

[Yellowflower]

Thank you ladies. I do struggle with the guilt. Some days I think yes he was abusing you had no choice. Other days I’m here thinking what did I do wrong? And I know I need to snap out of that because that’s how I felt with him. Constantly confused about what I’d done wrong and I thought I was a band person because I didn’t understand. It’s just so hard isn’t it. The man I loved can’t be here for me now. I know if I went back he wouldn’t admit what he is. I guess I just don’t know how to get over him. Having children means I will never be able to cut all ties x

[Yellowflower]

Hi overcome I understand your in a very tricky place but from what I’ve read on here people strongly advice not leaving your children behind. Abusers use our children to continue the abuse against us. No doubt if you left he would stop you seeing the children or dictate to you constantly when you are allowed to see them. Can you imagine the power trip he would be having knowing he has that power over you. Also if you was to go to court I have heard that if you say they were was abuse within the relationship they will argue why have you left your children there. Leaving them with an abuser. They love their dad and that is ok they have every right to. However I’m sure on occasions they will have seen him be abusive or heard him? They may well have heard it downstairs or in the other room but that does affect them. They may be under his control too? I think you need to seek advice from women’s aid. They will point you in the direction on a solicitor. Most give a free half an hour. Please don’t leave without your children I fear you may regret it xxx

[Yellowflower]

I can also relate. Saw it in black and white but still somehow got talked into i had got it wrong. When you look back you think how on earth did he get me to believe him?

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