Broadbodiedchaser

[Broadbodiedchaser]

We were unable to go through mediation.  Divorce is still going through as we sort a financial settlement.  It feels like a long time, but I feel stronger and certainly wiser.  I’ve learnt a lot about what is important in life, as well.  I have few regrets and I’m glad I found the desire and strength to be happier in my life.  I hope you are ok?

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Divorce is still ‘going through’ but I feel good and strong.  Friends told me, it’s just ‘stuff’ and you don’t need it back.  I disagree to an extent.  My things are part of me, my identity and when they are around me they make me feel comforted and ‘at home.’  I think it’s important for other people to realise that it is not just ‘stuff’.  I didn’t get everything back, but I did manage to get my photographs and some of my ornaments and plants.  I find that that is enough to make me feel grounded.  If you lose everything, in terms of possessions, it must be incredibly hard.  But, I wonder if you can afford to purchase similar ‘things’ off FB Marketplace, etc. and make new memories, etc.  You can rebuild some of what you’ve lost?

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Another (detail removed by moderator) since my post, and I can honestly say I feel strong.  My daughter is now an adult and she has explained to me that her Dad has been saying some a few of the things he used to say to me, to her.  She reminded me of stuff I’d forgotten; (detail removed by moderator) It’s horrid to see he’s doing this to her.  But, we had a lovely open chat where I explained what was happening and that this wasn’t ok. I told her that the chances are she did nothing wrong, but it’s a way that her Dad can feel in control.  She understood this and I told her to never think it is her, if he should do it again.  It was really nice to be able to discuss this.  I made sure I didn’t put her Dad down, I just talked through the ‘dynamics’ of what is happening in such a conversation.  She seemed to understand better that it wasn’t her fault.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Absolutely, this is abuse.  You have a right to feel safe, to feel good about yourself and to be you.  Please start to think about practical ways of getting out if you need to at short notice.  Fortunately, I never had to experience physical abuse.  Everything was emotional cycles of manipulation, repeat patterns of behaviour.  I’m sure someone could offer advice on how to help prepare, in case you need to leave quickly.  Please remind yourself that you deserve to feel good about yourself… we all do and if someone makes you feel otherwise… they are not someone you want in your life.  Take care and keep posting.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

A friend asked me, “How did he make you feel about yourself?” I replied, “Rubbish”. I say this to myself each time I get that craving to want to go back, each time I feel guilty for breaking our family unit.

I picture myself sat ‘numb’, arms folded defensively in our armchair, while he ‘lectured’ me on what I ‘did’ which resulted in him doing something to upset me. I picture this scene when I miss him. It helps me to get perspective on things and reminds me why I left and it makes me feel stronger.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

This is all a result of our experiences of love-bombing and trauma bonding. There’s a lot of information online which I used to help me deal with symptoms of ‘missing’ my ex and guilt over leaving. It about the comfort we get from what is familiar to us, however upsetting this might have been. Keep a diary to refer back to. It happens less frequently with time but, several years on I still experience this.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Just wanted to add that I did finally pluck up the courage to watch back the meeting. It was in fact fine, and a few things he’d said I did were, in fact a different person. It made me realise that for some reason he is pergaps feeling threatened by me. Be it more qualifications, I’m (detail removed by moderator) older, experience, I don’t know… but I finished watching the meeting with my confidence back and head held high again. I also arranged a meeting with him and my union rep.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Definitely signs of abuse. My husband ‘got worse’ after I had our children. I can only put it down to narcissism. He didn’t throw things but he poked fun at me, stonewalled me and put me down in front of our friends regularly. Trod on eggshells as could rarely express an opinion, if at all. You will always wo der if ‘it was just in your head’ because that’s a tell tale sign of dealing with love bombing one minute and abuse the next. Finally a friend asked me, “does he make you feelgood about yourself?” I said, “no”. That was point at which I realised it was not a positive relationship. I’d stayed in it for my children, but it affected them more than I initially realised (I only noticed when I finally left and our Children were teenagers). They started saying familiar phrases. I ‘nipped these in the bud’, but I realise now that there is never a ‘right time’ to leave. You just have to do it and plan a bit so you have all your important things safe with you (leave at a friends) before you go. Good luck and try to stay strong.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Thank you for your reply. He has now opened up to her about how difficult he is finding things. I have decided that sometimes I just need to take a step back and be honest to him that I don’t want to be involved, then other times I will listen and try not to interject too much. I do think my experiences with my husband have helped him to see things in a different way and he no longer blames himself for things which is positive. He’s far more likely to stand up for himself. Thank you.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

The cycles were why I eventually chose to leave, after many, many years. You must be kind to yourself and recognise how brave you are being. It takes tremendous strength to “take” the cycle of verbal insults followed by the lovebombing that made us
think we made a mistake. It’s emotionally draining amd questions our sense of reality. Counselling helped me, but you should find the ‘right’ counsellor for you. I wasn’t comfortable with my first. You will need to decide if you want to continue this cycle or start to take steps to leave. Best of luck. Having an awareness of the cycles is important. It helps to keep a diary to remind yourself and spot patterns of behaviour.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

This is totally normal. Several years after leaving, I still think about my husband everyday. I have reoccurring dreams of jealousy where he meets someone new and I awake feeling sad. This is normal amd a way of your body processing your loss. It shows us what we put into our relationship. We go through grief, it makes no difference that it was our decision. In many ways, it wasn’t our decision. We had no choice. We did the sensible thing, and we feel grief. I miss the good times but when I feel regret I picture myself sat in the pink chair… curled in a ball while he lectured me about my mistakes, my faults and this reminds me how absolutely awful I felt. How I could not speak, and why I left.

Embrace the happy memories.
They are bound to be there, else you both never would have met. Remind yourself why you left. How did they make you feel about yourself? Everyone deserves to feel loved and respected.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Thank you Browneyedmum. I will try to use the yellow hand more. 😊✋️

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Thank you Bananaboat. He started to say about adversity to change which I thought, “here we go, stereotyping (detail removed by Moderator) year old not liking change” when in fact I love innovation and ideas. It motivates me! You made some interesting points. Thank uou. I just wish I could be more resilient and, as you day not get so excited to talk at meetings. Life is so complicated… look after you x

[Broadbodiedchaser]

I’ve yet to attempt a motorway! I’m over (detail removed by Moderator) 🙁

My husband didn’t drive aggressively or fast but he did criticise my driving and never let me drive on motorways, so that I could learn. Perhaos, I should have attempted it on my own? I never thought about my ‘phobia’ as being PTSD, but it could be?? My husband did get me to pull over into a layby once so that he could yell at me outside the car (except I refused to get out). He also shouted at me to drive and pulled over because I dared to ask him to slow down twice on the lanes. I really hadn’t thought about this in the context of abuse, so thank you for highlighting this. xx I think lessons to build self-confidence would be valuable. Good luck. We might pass one another on a motorway one day 🙂

[Broadbodiedchaser]

The anxiety was wholly unnecessary. Things seem fine, I’m just insecure. I think I fear being on my own as well. With hindsight, I should have avoided another relationship straight after leaving my emotionally abusive ex. But you can’t always plan timing of things. I try to take each day a step at a time and to some extent put myself first now. I think this is what’s needed to help me to get ‘back on my feet’ and to increase my confidence. Thank you.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

I have now left my husband, but for years, the ‘silent treatment’ I received after I shared an opinion still upsets me to this day. Since leaving, he has not spoken with me regarding our children for the past (detail removed by Moderator) months. Once he realised I wouldn’t return, he got awkward and still controls elements of my life and decisions. For example (detail removed by Moderator) he told the children he was picking them up from my house later on, despite me expecting them to stay all day and saying I would drive them over (detail removed by Moderator) (as he had done when he had them last year).

Silent treatment is passive aggression and used to make the other person feel guilt and remorse for ‘daring’ to speak against them. It devalues the victim’s own feelings and emotions as if to say, “You are not worth my attention or time, because I am in fact the victim here, not you.” The result is that the person on the receiving end is left angry, frustrated, and disrespected. They can not express how they feel which is torturous enough.

Be mindful of lovebombing when he returns as well. This is why writing stuff down helps you recall these instances clearly and recognise the cycles of abuse.

I am still angry years on about incidents that my husband would never acknowledge, leaving me belittled and insignificant.

My heart goes out to you, that you are having to experience this. All I can suggest is to recognise why and what he is doing. Keep a hidden diary. I found counselling helped to get my feelings acknowledged. See a good doctor to get it on medical notes that you are in an abusive relationship. This might matter in the future.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Surprise, surprise, this year I was having the children with me (detail removed by Moderator). I bought a load of food in, a game to play in the evening. Two hours after the children arrive they annpunce that their Dad is picking them up in the evening. Plans are ruined again… he still controls everything. Oh, and my Son’s plans to spend (detail removed by Moderator) with me have got cancelled because… his Dad is taking him clothes shopping! I’ve been visiting my Mum (detail removed by Moderator) as she’s been poorly, but he decided not to take him then. He still gets to decide!

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Auto pilot is how I was when I moved out. Behind my back a ‘friend’ accused me of having no empathy when, in fact I was just having to ‘get on with it’ because I knew if I paused to think, I would crumple and stay. It was the hardest thing to do. You won’t always feel this way. It lessens over time. Good luck x

[Broadbodiedchaser]

I made a mistake of jumping into a relationship too soon. I love him dearly but he lives a long way away from me. I think in some respects the distance has provided me with the space to breathe, to think and create a life and a home for me at last. But it’s still nice to know here’s watching out for me.

It doesn’t hurt to call and suggest something you could go and do together. Just for the company. Second meet is less daunting.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

I’m feeling full on anxiety now, can’t sleep and heart is racing. I hope it’s hormones and I’m not just ‘like this’ now? I said goodnight to him, he’s 5 hours behind me and my message didn’t reach him straight away on WhatsApp… just a single tick. Then he read it a while later and hasn’t replied 🙁 Why am I becoming ‘this’?

[Broadbodiedchaser]

I will talk with him, when I see him next week. We usually talk well together. He’s had the most amazing experience abroad and I just don’t want to ruin things. I should try to learn to trust someone again. Step at a time I guess. Thank you.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

It could be peri-menopause hormones as well?

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Thank you for responding to me so quickly. I’ve just phoned my elderly Mum and burst into tears when I was really trying to hide it all from her. My children are older. I cannot tell them what their Dad did to make me leave. It was subtle emotional abuse never physical. Thoigh he did push my youngest around a couple of times. We were together a very long time but I cannot use words like abuse around them and I have only ever told them a couple of minor things interestingly these were around importance of respect, feeling valued and happiness. Look after yourself. Thank you.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

That’s interesting. I used films as a coping mechanism when I lived with my husband. I got through a lot of Jane Austen (I’m that age!!) and looking back I realise it was escapism and romance… a stubborn belief that things could be different somehow. I haven’t watched Jane Austen since I left him. It makes me sad to think of all the women (and men) who watch JA to get romance back in their lives… missing that feeling of connection.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

My husband often threatened to leave. Sometimes he’d go out all day and I’d worry because his family had a history of depression but I soon began to realise this was part of his plan to get me to show remorse and stay with him. It took me (detail removed by moderator) to finally find the courage to actually leave. I had a lightbulb moment outside a (detail removed by moderator) that I could no longer ‘ride the emotional cycle of love bombing, false security, abuse, sadness, doubt, rows, guilt, love bombing, false security anymore… I was just too tired of it all. It’s difficult now but at least I can choose not to go there again.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Thank you Browneyedmum. The school used to be pretty good at emailing me but results forms are on paper etc. I’d forgotten to ask for those things. It’s also things like my ex leaving our youngest in the house alone until (detail removed by Moderator)pm instead of responding to my request that he stays with me for a weekend. I think he’s doing it to provoke me and perhaps to ensure I have to get in touch????

[Broadbodiedchaser]

You seem to be going through periods of doubt because you are seeing him occasionally and perhaps getting glimpses of ‘the good bits’. Are you sure he isnt sinply seeing other women to hurt you and make you feel guilt? A kind of payback because you dared to leave him. This simply shows how insensitive he’s being. I have dreams where I wake so anxious (they are usually about my husband meeting someone new) as a result I feel ‘regret’ and doubt all day about leaving him. But to ‘get myself into perspective’ I picture cmyself dealing with one of ‘his bad days’ – me curled on the armchair while he “lectures’ me about what I did wrong. Thus usually makes me realise… no I don’t want thus again… this time I have my freedom. I no longer have to deal with his behaviour and I can simply watch TV and relax. Your emotions will be all haphazard for a while but try to recognise patterns in how you feel and you’ll start to realise this is part of the grieving process of leaving a relationship. It doesn’t matter who ended it, it is just as hard to adjust.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Thank you Mellow. I know I’ve got a huge amount to be grateful for. Just some days I feel so tired out by it all…

[Broadbodiedchaser]

I left (detail removed by Moderator) years now. Still ups and downs, get lonely but I’m free to make choices, home is my own. I have a new distant relationship which is going well. Accept the low days bit know that it is just a blip… the guilt and trauma bond fades as time goes on.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

The things your husband does are the same as what I experienced for (detail removed by Moderator) years. It’s controlling, manipulative behaviour and you will never get out of the cycle of it, unless you eventually leave him. It took me (detail removed by Moderator) years to leave but I did it. If you ever need a chat, message me. It’s not you. Keep a diary. Even when you leave, you will feel guilty for a long while and still question yourself. But that’s totally normal and simply part of the grief process. Take care, trust yourself.

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