Broadbodiedchaser

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Thank you for your reply. He has now opened up to her about how difficult he is finding things. I have decided that sometimes I just need to take a step back and be honest to him that I don’t want to be involved, then other times I will listen and try not to interject too much. I do think my experiences with my husband have helped him to see things in a different way and he no longer blames himself for things which is positive. He’s far more likely to stand up for himself. Thank you.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

The cycles were why I eventually chose to leave, after many, many years. You must be kind to yourself and recognise how brave you are being. It takes tremendous strength to “take” the cycle of verbal insults followed by the lovebombing that made us
think we made a mistake. It’s emotionally draining amd questions our sense of reality. Counselling helped me, but you should find the ‘right’ counsellor for you. I wasn’t comfortable with my first. You will need to decide if you want to continue this cycle or start to take steps to leave. Best of luck. Having an awareness of the cycles is important. It helps to keep a diary to remind yourself and spot patterns of behaviour.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

This is totally normal. Several years after leaving, I still think about my husband everyday. I have reoccurring dreams of jealousy where he meets someone new and I awake feeling sad. This is normal amd a way of your body processing your loss. It shows us what we put into our relationship. We go through grief, it makes no difference that it was our decision. In many ways, it wasn’t our decision. We had no choice. We did the sensible thing, and we feel grief. I miss the good times but when I feel regret I picture myself sat in the pink chair… curled in a ball while he lectured me about my mistakes, my faults and this reminds me how absolutely awful I felt. How I could not speak, and why I left.

Embrace the happy memories.
They are bound to be there, else you both never would have met. Remind yourself why you left. How did they make you feel about yourself? Everyone deserves to feel loved and respected.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Thank you Browneyedmum. I will try to use the yellow hand more. 😊✋️

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Thank you Bananaboat. He started to say about adversity to change which I thought, “here we go, stereotyping (detail removed by Moderator) year old not liking change” when in fact I love innovation and ideas. It motivates me! You made some interesting points. Thank uou. I just wish I could be more resilient and, as you day not get so excited to talk at meetings. Life is so complicated… look after you x

[Broadbodiedchaser]

I’ve yet to attempt a motorway! I’m over (detail removed by Moderator) 🙁

My husband didn’t drive aggressively or fast but he did criticise my driving and never let me drive on motorways, so that I could learn. Perhaos, I should have attempted it on my own? I never thought about my ‘phobia’ as being PTSD, but it could be?? My husband did get me to pull over into a layby once so that he could yell at me outside the car (except I refused to get out). He also shouted at me to drive and pulled over because I dared to ask him to slow down twice on the lanes. I really hadn’t thought about this in the context of abuse, so thank you for highlighting this. xx I think lessons to build self-confidence would be valuable. Good luck. We might pass one another on a motorway one day 🙂

[Broadbodiedchaser]

The anxiety was wholly unnecessary. Things seem fine, I’m just insecure. I think I fear being on my own as well. With hindsight, I should have avoided another relationship straight after leaving my emotionally abusive ex. But you can’t always plan timing of things. I try to take each day a step at a time and to some extent put myself first now. I think this is what’s needed to help me to get ‘back on my feet’ and to increase my confidence. Thank you.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

I have now left my husband, but for years, the ‘silent treatment’ I received after I shared an opinion still upsets me to this day. Since leaving, he has not spoken with me regarding our children for the past (detail removed by Moderator) months. Once he realised I wouldn’t return, he got awkward and still controls elements of my life and decisions. For example (detail removed by Moderator) he told the children he was picking them up from my house later on, despite me expecting them to stay all day and saying I would drive them over (detail removed by Moderator) (as he had done when he had them last year).

Silent treatment is passive aggression and used to make the other person feel guilt and remorse for ‘daring’ to speak against them. It devalues the victim’s own feelings and emotions as if to say, “You are not worth my attention or time, because I am in fact the victim here, not you.” The result is that the person on the receiving end is left angry, frustrated, and disrespected. They can not express how they feel which is torturous enough.

Be mindful of lovebombing when he returns as well. This is why writing stuff down helps you recall these instances clearly and recognise the cycles of abuse.

I am still angry years on about incidents that my husband would never acknowledge, leaving me belittled and insignificant.

My heart goes out to you, that you are having to experience this. All I can suggest is to recognise why and what he is doing. Keep a hidden diary. I found counselling helped to get my feelings acknowledged. See a good doctor to get it on medical notes that you are in an abusive relationship. This might matter in the future.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Surprise, surprise, this year I was having the children with me (detail removed by Moderator). I bought a load of food in, a game to play in the evening. Two hours after the children arrive they annpunce that their Dad is picking them up in the evening. Plans are ruined again… he still controls everything. Oh, and my Son’s plans to spend (detail removed by Moderator) with me have got cancelled because… his Dad is taking him clothes shopping! I’ve been visiting my Mum (detail removed by Moderator) as she’s been poorly, but he decided not to take him then. He still gets to decide!

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Auto pilot is how I was when I moved out. Behind my back a ‘friend’ accused me of having no empathy when, in fact I was just having to ‘get on with it’ because I knew if I paused to think, I would crumple and stay. It was the hardest thing to do. You won’t always feel this way. It lessens over time. Good luck x

[Broadbodiedchaser]

I made a mistake of jumping into a relationship too soon. I love him dearly but he lives a long way away from me. I think in some respects the distance has provided me with the space to breathe, to think and create a life and a home for me at last. But it’s still nice to know here’s watching out for me.

It doesn’t hurt to call and suggest something you could go and do together. Just for the company. Second meet is less daunting.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

I’m feeling full on anxiety now, can’t sleep and heart is racing. I hope it’s hormones and I’m not just ‘like this’ now? I said goodnight to him, he’s 5 hours behind me and my message didn’t reach him straight away on WhatsApp… just a single tick. Then he read it a while later and hasn’t replied 🙁 Why am I becoming ‘this’?

[Broadbodiedchaser]

I will talk with him, when I see him next week. We usually talk well together. He’s had the most amazing experience abroad and I just don’t want to ruin things. I should try to learn to trust someone again. Step at a time I guess. Thank you.

[Broadbodiedchaser]

It could be peri-menopause hormones as well?

[Broadbodiedchaser]

Thank you for responding to me so quickly. I’ve just phoned my elderly Mum and burst into tears when I was really trying to hide it all from her. My children are older. I cannot tell them what their Dad did to make me leave. It was subtle emotional abuse never physical. Thoigh he did push my youngest around a couple of times. We were together a very long time but I cannot use words like abuse around them and I have only ever told them a couple of minor things interestingly these were around importance of respect, feeling valued and happiness. Look after yourself. Thank you.

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