Cheesequeen

[Cheesequeen]

Ahh that’s so nice ☀ well done for finding the energy! Seeing our kids happy is such a massive incentive isn’t it. I read something recently by Judith Herman, she’s a psychiatrist who specialises in trauma. She said it was amazing how some people she works with, who’ve experienced such horrors respond so well to the smallest amount of understanding and affection. I think this is something positive we can take from our experiences. We can do so much with a little bit of love.
Hope your next run is even better Xx

[Cheesequeen]

It’s common to talk yourself in and out of recognising abusr. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Growing up with abuse unfortunately means we form unhealthy boundaries as our parents allowed low standards for us emotionally so they don’t seem ‘wrong’. Try to feel proud you are aware you don’t want that for your own child. You could make a referral to children’s services if you feel you aren’t in a position to mediate with them. You can’t mediate with someone when you are being abused or coerced.
Or maybe start with a women’s center? I bang on about them all the time but mine have been able amazing resource. They are very aware of why we are worried of the consequences of taking back control and they won’t pressure you in to making a decision. But they will make sure you are represented well. Xx

[Cheesequeen]

This is so nice to hear ☺ I’m so happy for you. Well done on getting all your things done. This is the point I’m most excited about. Having my new home and not having the life sucked out of me day in day out. I had reinvented my home time after time and he just destroyed it constantly. Photo frames were always the first to go. Then his crap would sneak in to every corner of the room I had worked so hard to design.
You will get stronger every day ☀ Xx

[Cheesequeen]

Hi she-ra. Your reaction is completely normal. I had the hit by the bus period pretty much as soon as I realised what was happening. Terrible panic attacks so severe I genuinely thought it would never pass. I didn’t sleep or eat. The only way I could describe it was as though I hadn’t actually lived through everything he’d done and just experienced everything all at once. Your mind is only just starting to process what you have been through. It will take time and it will be very frightening, but it will confirm that you are right and you will survive.
Phoning the Police must be making your head spin but you can take the control in that situation. Maybe someone from your local women’s center will be an advocate for you and attend any interviews. I hope you get some sense of safety soon Xx

[Cheesequeen]

Hi Copperflame. Well done for taking the control back. That was very brave.
I hope thinga settle down now and you can move past it. It’s never ok to be abused by anyone. Good luck x

[Cheesequeen]

None of what happened is your fault. Shouting and being upset because you are being mistreated is totally normal and there is NOTHING to justify how he has hurt you.
He shouldn’t hurt you to rid the tension, the tension shouldn’t be there. You don’t deserve it at all.
Have you been checked out by a Doctor? It sounds like you should do if not to make sure you are ok. Xx

[Cheesequeen]

Hi Mumaoftwo. Do you have a local women’s centre you can go to? I found it really helpful to just talk through my fears about going to the Police and my support worker was fantastic. She didn’t try to influence me or even give guidance, but she listened and talked about options and I arrived at my own decision. It is such a personal and difficult decision and your concerns are real so don’t ignore them. You can come up with a plan that considers anything you’re scared about. Good luck Xx

[Cheesequeen]

I like going for a drive with my friend for coffee. We laugh about absolutely stupid stuff and that’s when I’m at my happiest. I have missed it so much as we didn’t really get to do it before I left. Just being giddy and silly is my favourite self care.
Also, might sound daft, but work is self care for me too. (Work detail removed by moderator). It is very satisfying and helps me feel strong and confident, even just for a few hours.
I also downloaded the Youper app which is really good for self care. It is helping me challenge my negative thoughts and has helped me down from a few scary ledges recently 🤣
I feel like I am indulging a lot these days in self care haha. It feels good x

[Cheesequeen]

I did tell them yes but I was ready to make a statement at the time because I was worried it would make things escalate. I don’t know when I’ll learn things escalate regardless!
I will speak to local women’s center again tomorrow they’ve been great, I just feel like I haven’t left them alone haha.
Thanks for your reply xx

[Cheesequeen]

Thanks again for your replies. I don’t know what I’d have done without all the support.
I’m still really up and down but the up spells are getting longer. I just wish beyond anything I didn’t have to speak to him!
He keeps changing the goal posts already with the kids after promising in front of everyone he wouldn’t. Not that I’m surprised but still disappointed.
I am hoping to apply for our new house today. Have my fingers and toes crossed we get it! Xx

[Cheesequeen]

Thank you so much. I suppose it was a bit brave 🤣
I have been to my local DV branch and have a great support worker. She has been really objective, not giving direct advice just presenting options and letting me talk though my decisions. I have read and read and read to arm myself with knowledge. It’s been scary to plunge myself in to the reality of it, but it’s what I know I need to do.
I have been in touch with the Police and have a DVM on my Mum’s house and will on my own.
Your words always mean the world to me. The sign posting and recommendations for reading have been so practical. It really does take a village 😊 Xx

[Cheesequeen]

It’s so confusing isn’t it. I’ve just seen my ex for the first time since the split and although ours was an angry outburst rather than emotional (which it previously has been) I didn’t see it coming. I’m led to thinking I have exaggerated everything and I’ve maybe been as bad as he has.
But I know it isn’t true.
I have been using the Youper app to talk through my feelings and learn a bit more about my thought process and it’s been really helpful. I have also been looking over all of his horrible, abusive messages which remind me of how insincere all his talk was, as he’d constantly flip back and forth based on whether I stuck to my guns or not.
Maybe try tracking your thoughts and trying to understand your emotions and feelings again rather than thinking of his? I’ve really benefited from it.
Hope you feel better soon Xx

[Cheesequeen]

I have a meeting with the Police on (detail removed by Moderator) and now I’m really worried. The officer I spoke to today was so nice she really made me feel at ease and safe. She put DVM on my temporary address and told me there were 2 cars in the area if I couldn’t wait until (detail removed by Moderator).
I have a lot of texts were he has used manipulation and fear to get me to go back but now don’t know if this will be enough. I only hope this law will make future generations safe once people understand it.
My partner has also committed sexual crimes but I don’t know if I’m ready to open that can of worms considering the conviction rate. It could backfire and make him feel even more powerful.
Good luck to anyone pursuing this I would be really interested in hearing more about this from experience than the little online summaries. Xx

[Cheesequeen]

It’d the stuff of horror films isn’t it. I was honestly convinced at one point I was the one gas lighting! It was a brief but scary spell. My hopefully soon ex husband has done this from the beginning, since I was a teenager. I’ve been in hospital, self harmed and have been treated for severe anxiety and it was all down to his manipulation.
Luckily I have abundant texts where you can clearly see (once the gig lifts) what he’s been doing. I am meeting the Police and hoping they will see how harmful this has been.
Wishing you all the best on your journey Xx

[Cheesequeen]

Thank you all so much. You have no idea how much you have all helped me. The clarity this site has brought me has been so powerful. I know I am incredibly fortunate to have my family and friends close. I almost panicked today and told him but I kept my cool. I was going to ring the Police but I am so scared about my kids, I want to do this very thoughtfully. I will be ringing women’s aid first thing to get an idea on what to say when I do ring the Police as I definitely will be doing. I just don’t want it to seem calculated or over emotional. I’m so scared they will think I am just being a bitter woman. I have never felt fear about him being around the kids but now I am realising how much this has affected me I cannot imagine leaving him alone with them. My daughter tonight said ‘I wish every day could be like this’ and my mind was made up instantly.
I don’t care what people think of me, I am not putting my beautiful girls at risk of his temper, even if it isn’t ‘physical’ with them, it is just as harmful.
I have been reading through texts from the last few times I went out and I feel like I’ve been living with a stranger. So much manipulation and petulance when he couldn’t get his own way in coercing me to go back home. I don’t know how I fell for it!
Luckily I have kept them all without even realising how important they may be.
Thanks again for all your advice every single response has given me that bit more strength. I really hope I can help someone else some day even just a little bit. Xx

[Cheesequeen]

Thank you I will give them a call once I’ve dealt with today.
I’ve told my Mum this afternoon and come to hers with the kids. We’ve just been to buy a pull out bed and bedding for the kids and we’re staying here.
I can’t go back now I know it isn’t my ‘anxiety’ but genuine fear in a very frightening situation. I haven’t told him yet. Would women’s aid help me plan how to tell him if I ring them tonight? I’m scared I’ve acted too quickly but I just cannot be anywhere near that man right now. Xx

[Cheesequeen]

I’m so sorry to hear your pain. Being trapped in fear is very painful and I hope you can find something to jolt you out of it.
Have you tried ringing any women’s helplines? I am considering doing this today if I get some breathing space as I really need someone with a clear mind to help me process all the volume in my head.
You deserve more than anything to live a life free of fear and confusion. It is never ok for someone to make you feel this way. Xx

[Cheesequeen]

I’ve just started reading Why Does He Do That. It’s scarier than any horror I’ve ever read or watched 🙈😱 I need to stop reading it once I’ve relaxed as it just totally sets my fear off again.

So also on the look out for a healing book to help me feel better when I’m in a tizz. Sorry to jump in your post Xx

[Cheesequeen]

Thanks so much. I’m enjoying giving my mind a quick break! It’s nice to be in such a positive space Xx

[Cheesequeen]

Not threaten to. That’s what he calls it 😥 when I TELL HIM I’m leaving.

[Cheesequeen]

Thanks fizzylem, we have got this!! Xx

[Cheesequeen]

Thank you KIP! I am hoping I have not gone over optimistic. He is being very agreeable at the minute so I always have this nagging fear he is going to ruin it all when I least expect it. But I am trying to stay in a positive frame of mind whenever I can seize it. Xx

[Cheesequeen]

Oh She-ra I’m so sorry your friend has acted in this way. She might think that is helpful but it is the cruelest thing she could have done without it meaning to be. Unfortunately people really don’t understand how terrifying it is to leave these kinds of situations. I’m sure you are all over the place. Try to hold on to your good and hopeful thoughts as long as you can.
The Police will not act at a pace you aren’t comfortable with. To be honest, they might react more slowly than you think.
Can you go to a local women’s center? The one I’m at is fantastic. They offer very practical advice and will validate your concerns for safety and help you come up with a plan. It’s never too late for a plan. It can help you feel more in control and that is so important in the leaving stage.
Easier said than done, but try to avoid ‘catastrophic thinking’. Just remind yourself you are powerful and resilient and you can take everything one step at a time. It’s going to be hard but you CAN do it. Xx

[Cheesequeen]

Thanks so much. I’m glad you are all getting some peace. That’s what I keep reminding myself of. The kids are going from strength to strength. So much more relaxed and I’m actually looking after myself which is crazy.
We just have to keep riding the waves I suppose.
Congratulations on getting you and your family out and wishing you lots of positivity Xx

[Cheesequeen]

I’m so sorry you didn’t get the house. It’s ok to feel sad and have a little time to mourn while things are bad. It hurts a lot and there is no escaping it sometimes. It will pass though and things will definitely get better.
Hope you feel better soon 💜

[Cheesequeen]

This is so uplifting! I really needed this tonight. I’m sure your happy and confident spells will get longer and longer.
This made me laugh too because I was literally talking about how excited I am to live in an organised space and I will walk back in to my home the way I left it 💜 I’ve wanted it for so long. Best of luck with your move Xx

[Cheesequeen]

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. Realising someone is sexually exploitative and abusing can be so painful and confusing. Your mind desperately seeks to justify what they are doing. It is not ok. It is wrong. Just because he makes it seem like he’s paying you compliments doesn’t make it any less wrong. I have felt sick to my bones as I’ve realised how I’ve been manipulated in this way.
Have you got a friend you can say this out loud to or your GP? I’ve found that not ‘keeping it secret’ has given me the clarity I needed. Hope you have a peaceful night Xx

[Cheesequeen]

I’m sorry your having to put up with it too! He was in hospital last year after a serious failed attempt and it wreaked absolute havoc on my life. Having to think about whether to lie to my girls or ruin their bright little minds was devastating. Plus financially it set us right back as he was in hospital for (detail removed by moderator) and off for (detail removed by moderator) months in total. It’s terrifying when he says it I lose my kind completely and now I am recognising he knows that. That’s what I need to be prepared for.
I will be seeing it as abusive behaviour from now on and letting the Police handle it. Xx

[Cheesequeen]

Thanks very much. I do feel a bit better today although it’s been exhausting. I will definitely take your advice re: ringing the Police. They suggested the same today. He made a serious attempt of suicide last year and pulls me back with that. When I leave or threaten to he holds it over me so I usually say I’ll get someone to go round and check on him but they said not to out anyone at risk. I hadn’t even considered that! Too busy thinking of him 😫 I will be doing in future though. They also said it would be better because if he’s messaging me saying he’s suicidal and on the walls and the Police go round to welfare check and he’s sat there cool as a cucumber it will help.
Thanks again for your help, I just wish everyone didn’t have to go through this to give the advice 💔 Xx

[Cheesequeen]

Thanks so much for you reply. What you said made so much sense to me!
I went today and they hinted I could access refuge if and when I wanted to but I think they realised I’m just not there yet.
They have helped me with a crisis plan and I’m looking at private housing. I’m going to a 12 week programme called AIM which will hopefully help me break the cycle of ‘is it really that bad/is it me/ will he be ok when I’m gone’ which is what I’m currently in. I have squared it with my boss too, not gone in to detail but she’s aware something is taking form.
They also offered children and a legal clinic for when it goes to court. That made me panic a lot! I don’t think I was ready to hear that.
I am trying not to focus on the bigger picture right now though and just take it step by step, decision by decision.
Thanks again for your reply this site has been so helpful to me xx

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