Gerbil

[Gerbil]

Hi Toffeeapple.
I completely understand where you are coming from. I left a while ago and I can honestly say it was easily the hardest but best decision I have ever made!
You CAN do this!
I presume you have made plans? You made those plans for a reason.
Take care honey. I will be thinking of you x

[Gerbil]

Hi everyone
I am now in my own home!!! I cannot begin to describe how it feels! I feel excited and happy every time I walk through the front door ( not sick and nervous wondering what mood he will be in).
I would not be here without all the advice and support from this forum. I can not thank you all enough for the support and understanding you have given me.
I know the next few weeks will be a challenge but I’ve got out!
Take care xxx

[Gerbil]

I can not thank you enough for your replies and amazing advice. It means so much to me.
Only (detail removed by Moderator) to go until the man with the van comes!!! Aaahhh.
I don’t think I’m going to get much sleep tonight…my heart is racing…I will just keep telling myself I’ve got this and following all your fantastic advice x

[Gerbil]

Hiya@…absolutely fantastic! You have definitely not failed!
I hope you sleep so well in your new bed.
Take care x

[Gerbil]

Nbumblebee
Thank you so much for your calming techniques advice. I really appreciate it and I’m definitely going to try them.
As well as being so scared, I also feel like such a horrible person as I haven’t told him that I’m leaving him. It’s such an awful thing to do to someone x

[Gerbil]

Dear Learntoliveagain
I understand honey exactly how you feel. I have been where you are and just wanted to reach out to you. I am now further on in my journey than you but it has taken me a long long time. I’m not out yet ,but nearly. I followed all of the amazing advice from folks on here. I read lots and started to understand the cycle of abuse. I spent a long time reading posts on here. ( I wasn’t very good at posting though). I then contacted my local DA centre. They have been so supportive and got me counselling sessions. I started to become stronger. I have contacted a solicitor and taken legal advice. I have told friends what I have been going through for years and years. I did tell him a while back how unhappy I was. He cried and told me he would change. Since then he has been the perfect husband but in the past few weeks, I see little signs of the normal him coming through. Because of my reading I know he won’t change. And so I have sorted somewhere to go. But this post is not about me…I just wanted to give you some hope that there can be light at the end of this bloody dark tunnel.x

[Gerbil]

Thank you both for your replies. I really do appreciate it and I am sorry that you are both in similar situations. He keeps on talking about things in the future as if I hadn’t even mentioned anything to him. I honestly feel like I am going mad!
Xx

[Gerbil]

Lisa thank you so much for your reply.
My (detail removed by Moderator) has just attacked me verbally saying I hate you, you have done nothing.
I am absolutely distraught.
She says she thinks of me, the same way as she thinks of him.
I really can’t cope anymore

[Gerbil]

Hi Wildstar
I feel exactly the same way you do. The worst things for me are just getting 3 ish hours sleep a night. And at the moment my anxiety levels are so high that I feel like a metal plate is being pushed against my chest.
It’s awful isn’t it ..it just shows how much your mental health affects your physical health.
Have you talked to your GP?
Take care honey. X

[Gerbil]

Hi Amitoughenough
I am slightly further down the road than you. Our situations are so similar. Once I started reading on here and reading books recommended on here, I knew I was in an abusive relationship. I have made contact with my local DA service and have just started therapy through them. I have also talked to my GP as I was becoming a nervous wreck.
Once you realise that it’s abuse, you can’t unsee it
Take care and keep posting x

[Gerbil]

Hi Cornflake
I too am in a very similar situation to you, age and family situation wise so I completely understand where you are coming from…yes it is a living hell.
I am at the stage now when I am going to call our local DA support office and get lawyer advice.
Have you done any reading around domestic abuse? I found that really helped me along with being on this forum with people that truly understand.
Take care honey x

[Gerbil]

Dear Raven eclipse
I too completely understand where you are coming from. I too am always on alert for his moods and what is going to “set him off”. I used to think I could work out what would annoy him but I don’t seem to be able to do that anymore. My anxiety levels are sky high because of this.
I am really sorry that you and so many others on here are also going through this. It’s no life and you are right ..it is exhausting.
X

[Gerbil]

Oh darling. I really feel for you. Yes it is abuse. Yes it’s not right. You should not feel guilty…you are not the one at fault!

[Gerbil]

Dear Nbumblebee
You have given so much support to so many of us on here. You are on a journey now ( or a ladder), you have seen the abuse and know the patterns, you just need to get stronger now and go further on that journey. Like yourself, over Christmas and NY, I realised that I too need to really push forward on this journey to get to my end goal…to leave!
Big hug x

[Gerbil]

That is so fantastic that he is out. Although it will be hard in the next few months…just think about how good it will feel not having him there!
Take care honey x

[Gerbil]

Dear nbumblebee
This is typical abuser tactics. You like so many of us on here are always walking on eggshells…one minute charming the next raging. I feel for you and your children going through this.
Sometimes I don’t know which is harder .the rage or the nice charming periods…when he’s being nice I am so tense waiting for the rage .
Take care honey x

[Gerbil]

Hi
I have just read all of the above. I am always learning on here. I never knew about triangulation from abusers. This makes so much sense for the toxic relationships in our house.
There is nothing worse than seeing your children suffer ( or one of them). I also agree with you how kids can sometimes copy the abusers behaviour.
Take care everyone x

[Gerbil]

There is also the charity NCDV who I think will help prepare a non mol for free and will give advice.

[Gerbil]

You have all given me such good advice..thank you. I feel less alone in all this now.
He gave me a break from it all for a few hours ( thank God) but has unfortunately started again with blaming, accusatory texts. I will use the strategies you have suggested.
I am also sorry that you TS, Tiredofitall,Alicenotinchains and BananaBoat have been through or are going through similar experiences. I had stupidly believed that I would have a few days respite from him and that horrible pit in my stomach feeling…but no such luck!
Xxx

[Gerbil]

Dear Wildangels
I am so sorry that you and your children lived with this abuse.
I can often relate to posts on here but I could have written your post word for word ( apart from the fact that I am still here).
Please remember you are not at fault. You were trapped in the cycle of abuse.
Take care x

[Gerbil]

Dear nbumblebee
You are definitely not rambling! And what you say makes perfect sense to everyone on here.
I am sending you a big virtual hug.
It is your husband and mother who are at fault and not you!
You have lost your self confidence and fight because of them but just by getting your job, you are starting to build yourself up again.
X

[Gerbil]

Hi.
I am sorry but I don’t have long to reply.
I think that you do already know the answer to your question. Generally if someone asks is this abuse, then it usually is abuse.
It sounds to me like he is emotionally abusive to you.
I have learnt so much about abuse from this group.
As a starting point I would read the Lundy Bancroft book and I think this would help you understand your situation a bit more.
Take care and keep posting ( everyone on here understands!)x

[Gerbil]

You should be so proud of everything you have achieved and are trying to achieve. Keep sharing on here as we all support you and want to congratulate you for your achievements.
I totally agree with everyone else, your husband will never do this as it is not about him ( I know this from being married to someone very similar).
Take care x

[Gerbil]

Dear Chocolatebar
I am so sorry you are feeling like this.
There are so many people on here who understand completely how you feel (I am one of them) as they have similar lived experiences or are going through similar experiences now.
I too am having a drowning sort of day where everything seems too much to cope with.
Have you spoken about how you are feeling with your GP? Do you have a friend you could talk to?
Without the horrible home circumstances, you could most probably cope with the difficult work situation but it is understandably causing you additional stress.
Take care honey and keep posting on here x

[Gerbil]

Hi Nbumblebee
To ask for help takes so much courage. You are an amazingly strong woman who is so kind and strong ( that comes out in your posts on here). This is such a positive step.
Take care x

[Gerbil]

Nbumblebee
I also wanted to send you a virtual hug. You have come so far. Yes you have a set back (completely out of your control) but you are becoming so much stronger and you can do this. Can you take any time just for you today?
Big big hug x

[Gerbil]

Thank you so much for your concern and advice. There has been no more violence, just lots of emotional stuff.
I think my child who witnessed the incident is blocking it out. I have tried talking to her but she just shuts down and is not ready to talk yet.
I know I need to start planning sooner rather than later and call our local DA centre for advice.
Please take care everyone x

[Gerbil]

Dear greenplantgrow
It is good to be reflective. I do exactly the same as you and have done for so long, normalising his behaviour. Just remember you are not at fault. You are not weak …you have just been stuck in a spiral of abuse. Blocking out his behaviour has been your coping mechanism as it is for many of us on here. The fact that you now recognise and can’t stop seeing the abuse means that you are becoming stronger.
Take care x

[Gerbil]

Hi Mummyofboys
You have taken a huge step in trying to reach out for help. I am so sorry that you didn’t manage to get through. To take that first step shows that you are strong enough. Keep trying and keep posting here too for support.
Take care x

[Gerbil]

Thank you Banana boat. That is also good advice.
I think this will give me the push I need . I do not want my children to think that this is right to accept abuse.
X

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