EeyoreNoMore

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hey MamaMia, you are AMAZING!

You have broken free, you have recognised where potential issues are and you’ve fixed them. You are doing fabulous. We’re all here and we’re all proud of you.

Give Women’s Aid a call if you need to. You can always try and get some counselling through them to help lift you out of this dark time.

You got this! 🙂

[EeyoreNoMore]

Well he’s upped his game and reported me to the police for assault. I have to go in for an interview. Will this never end?

[EeyoreNoMore]

Thanks KIP, much appreciated.

I guess I just don’t want to be seen as being too much trouble. In the SS meeting was the first time he’s let his mask slip and his true personality started to show through. In that way, being in the room with him (with other people present) seemed to work to my advantage.

[EeyoreNoMore]

The mere fact that you feel like you’re walking on eggshells all the time is a result of his abuse. He’s still in control. He is still controlling how you feel.

The damage he did to you cannot be undone. You will never forget it.

He’s enjoying the control of letting you be in a good place. When he feels like it he’ll take that good place away and dictate your emotions again.

Unfortunately they really are all the same (abusers). Please do call WA, they are amazing (but it can be really hard to get through so persevere(.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Mediation is a no no.

When you go through the court process the first step is mediation, however, even our antiquated court rules recognise that if there’s abuse involved mediation will NOT work.

His views and opinions are likely to be agreed with. Do not expose yourselves like this.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Listen to MARAC!

The police can help if he is turning up at work. Get them to have him done for Stalking, NOT harassment.

Please get away from this man.

Do not listen to his lies. He doesn’t love you, he loves controlling you.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Mine also did this “are we okay” thing.

I think it’s twofold: partly because they put pressure on you that if you have any niggling doubts you will tell them so he can trample them; partly because they’re so darn needy.

interesting also that within a short period of knowing him you have a child – yet another red flag.

Please please call the helpline. Please also know that it will NEVER get better than this, only worse. Expect him to be pressuring you into another baby soon so he can keep his control over you.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hey Woolly. It’s the cycle of abuse isn’t it. He needs you close by in order to abuse you. There’s no fun in it unless he’s in control.

It takes an average of seven attempts to leave. Hopefully you’re getting the knowledge and support you need so that next time you leave it will be for good.

Stay safe.

[EeyoreNoMore]

So glad you are going to be free and do not believe his lies when he says he will change.

Please please be careful though.

[EeyoreNoMore]

You can totally walk away. Call the helpline if you need to and we are all here, begging you to get out now and not make the mistakes we did!!

You feel love. They don’t. What they think is love is control. He loves the control he has over you, not you.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hey, welcome!

For me personally, reading “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft was a huge help.

Then finding out as much as possible about DV helped, following on social media and listening to podcasts, helps me get it all straight in my head.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hey hun, welcome.

As Lisa says, counselling is a good place to start. Either thru GP or Women’s Aid ((who I’ve found amazing).

As for username, well Eeyore is the blue one in the corner. I’m determined to be more Tigger!

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hi Zizi, please do keep trying the helpline.

Please do not let him know that you’re wanting to part. It’s an incredibly dangerous time.

Stay strong.

[EeyoreNoMore]

You’re totally doing the right thing by complying with Social Services’ recommendation. Don’t even mention it to her unless SS say it’s okay.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Do you know, it’s okay to talk about abuse.

Since I ended my abusive relationship I’ve been quite vocal about what happened to me. The amount of people who say they’ve been through something similar or know somebody who has is astounding. Everyone knows someone who’s been there.

My reason for being open about it is that I feel as a society we need to talk about it. Remember when we weren’t allowed to be gay, or have a mental illness but now it’s okay? That’s where I want society to be re abusive relationships. The only way we will break the stigma is by talking about it. Obviously you don’t want to disclose all the details but I think it’s totally fine to say “I was in an abusive relationship but now I’m out and I’m healing”. Most people will admire your strength, just like we do.

[EeyoreNoMore]

I think what you’re feeling is totally natural.

But. He’s an abuser. You know, both in your heart and your head that he’s an abuser. You know that the only reason you are there is because he’s great at his game. It’s not because he treats you well. You’re there because he needs you to be. He needs a victim and you’re filling the role for him.

See if you can give the WA helpline a call. They are rather fabulous.

[EeyoreNoMore]

I agree with you 100%, we all do, I just wanted you to know how awful it can and probably will be.

Feel free to private message me if you need to.

Definitely give yourself a huge pat on the back. I’m glad you recognise how well you’re doing!

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hey Citrine

Glad you have a solicitor. Sol has hopefully told you that the view of the court and CAFCASS right now is “contact no matter what”. I’m firmly of the mind that if your ex was a serial killer they’d still give him unsupervised overnight access! Be prepared for the worst.

Be prepared for CAFCASS and/or Social Servs to come into your life, to poke your kids about and judge every single thing you do. Be prepared for them to be forced to see him, regardless of their wishes. Be careful however, not to prejudice their views with your own.

With a bit of luck you might get someone who actually recognises real life abuse, not just someone who did a course on it 3 years ago but has never actually applied the knowledge.

Sorry, I’m sounding a bit bitter here but you do need to be prepared. It isn’t plain sailing and is incredibly stressful. You can totally get through it though. You got through a relationship with him and this can’t be worse!

[EeyoreNoMore]

Huge congratulations to you FS! 💖

The road won’t always be easy but at least he’s now on the sidelines rather than blocking your path.

[EeyoreNoMore]

If I see a friend in a relationship now my first red flag is if he’s pushing for the relationship to move quickly. Mine did and it’s such a huge sign.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hi Stillwaters.

KIP has given advice about books and Women’s Aid and I’d absolutely agree. They will also help you get your head straight and understand his manipulations.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Can you call social services to let them know your concerns and then move away from the situation?

There is literally nothing you can do (unless you want to post her some abuse help info!) and all that’s happening is you are making yourself stressed.

I think you have to prioritise yourself and your children. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want your help.

Have you been to counselling to help you move on?

[EeyoreNoMore]

I echo the other ladies. If you have contact with him then he will use every opportunity to get at you emotionally. Research “No Contact” and “grey rock”.

You’re safe from him for the time being so now it’s time to regroup and put yourself and children first. Get as much advice and support as you can, Women’s Aid, Rights of Women, Social services etc, even ChildLine can give advice. Keep you and the kids safe. If he wants contact he can take the legal route to get it when he gets out. Hopefully by then you will be stronger. x

[EeyoreNoMore]

I think the true issue here is that you are NOT a selfish beatch and you maybe should be!

Did you know it takes the average woman seven attempts to leave?

There are thousands of women up and down the country, all in the same position as you. All beating themselves up for sticking with an abuser. If it were easy to leave then abusive relationships just wouldn’t happen. Its the nature of the beast.

You are here because you are a nice person. They don’t choose nasty people as partners. They don’t pick on uncaring, selfish people. They want us, the nice, sensitive, caring ones.

They lure us in by being the nicest people we’ve ever met. They show us glimpses of it every now and then and we hope it will get better. We hope Mr Nice will come back so we stay. We are confused when he doesn’t. Nobody ever warned us about this type of person. It must be me, right…?

Can you call the helpline? Can you read some of the recommended books on here? Knowledge is power. Recognising that it’s abuse is the first step and you’ve done that. Reach out and build a strong base to work from of people that will support you. There IS a freedom waiting for you, its just a hella journey to get there. x

[EeyoreNoMore]

Hey hun, sorry he’s making you feel so awful. He knows how exhausted you are and he’s staying on top of it to make sure you stay unable to think straight, unable to fight back (metaphorically).

Have you called the helpline? Have you read the Pat Craven or Lundy Bancroft books? The strength is inside you hun and getting support will help ease the burden a little. I always felt that knowledge is power too.

As KIP said, the only way to make things stop is to get out.

[EeyoreNoMore]

I should start by saying that I know nothing about OCD (true, diagnosed OCD) however, from here it does sound like an excuse to control you and your child. It sounds like he’s been testing the boundaries to see how far he can push it before you start to push back again. Each time you comply he pushes a little further next time.

He tested you and now he’s testing how much you will let him get away with in relation to your child.

Can you speak to an OCD professional and see what they say? We know these abusers will use every trick in the book, every excuse and every manipulation to cover themselves and make us feel guilty for daring to question them. If he is truly ill and genuinely wishes to keep the family unit as it is he will seek help. If he refuses then you know that ultimately, the only way to keep you and your child safe and to allow your child to grow into the free spirited child that they deserve to be, is to get away from him.

[EeyoreNoMore]

I’m with KIP (if our understanding is correct). Seek legal advice urgently. If there’s a chance you can get your property back then go fight for it.

Good luck

[EeyoreNoMore]

Yup, another reason why we must all report under Claire’s Law.

[EeyoreNoMore]

You’d need to double check with solicitor but I’m pretty sure that can do what they want in the allotted time (provided it’s not endangering the children).

Unless it’s something the court has specifically ordered that he do (or not do) I don’t think you have any control; as he likewise has no control over what you do with them.

[EeyoreNoMore]

I really do feel that knowledge is power.

Now, how do we go about educating police, judges, social servs, Cafcass etc etc etc!

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