Forum Replies Created
29th October 2016 at 2:13 am #31032
Just wanted to send you a big hug of support. You’ve been through so much and shown such courage. Take a day at a time and be kind to yourself. You can and will get through this and brighter days are on the other side. Take care xoxo
21st September 2016 at 9:22 pm #28625
It wasn’t until I was going through the process of divorce that the extent of my abusers lies became so apparent. He was so convincing and would swear on his children’s lives that something was true. Now I know exactly when my ex is lying – he is moving his lips.
21st September 2016 at 9:14 pm #28622
Hi Eve, I’ve experienced very similar situation with both my daughters after their dad was removed from the home and then the divorce. One daughter became very anxious and the other daughter was displaying autistic traits – both were seen by camhs counsellors. Like you I didn’t want their dad involved because he would have been so negative and made things worse.
I would agree that chatting things through with the counsellor on the phone first could be helpful.
Just from my own personal experience I’ve found that getting everything ‘out there’ has been the best way forward. Even though at times it’s made me feel like a bit of a failure as a mum – like you say, you don’t want to say the word abuse because as mothers we have done our best to protect our kids. But when you’re faced with a teenager who is going through a difficult time, it’s hard to hear how awful they feel because of what’s happened in the past.
To encourage you that things will pass and will get better, my eldest daughter who saw camhs last year is now so much more settled and confident. Still a little anxious, but more of a teenage angst than anything out of the ordinary.
Children are very resilient and with a loving, strong, caring mum like you, I am sure your daughter will go from strength to strength. Keep doing what you’re doing – listening, being patient, loving her where she’s at.
Take care xx
15th June 2016 at 1:37 pm #19184
Dear Ayanna, I can relate so well to your post. I hate my rings but I still have them. I don’t want to sell them and use the money exactly because of that feeling of it being ‘dirty money’. Yet at the same time I want to get rid of them and I feel how much you want to be rid of them too. They symbolise everything you wanted but never will have now with the man who you once loved.
Thank you for posting. You’ve helped me realise there is no set time or good time to get rid of the rings. I need to sell my rings and treat myself in the way that I deserved for so long. Because the alternative is them lying in a drawer like a little secret – ‘I used to be married’. Today I’m single, free and happy.
I wish that for you too Ayanna. x
26th February 2016 at 5:30 pm #10494
Hi dog lover,sending you a big hug of support. You’ve had lots of good advice here and I agree with it all.
I am in a very similar situation – its scary how similar it is to mine. I have been free from my abuser for a while but he continues to blame me for everything, tells lies about me to everyone including his children and lives a constant pity party.
It can be very draining emotionally so take care of yourself and keep talking/posting. The best advice I can give is what’s worked for me. Go as little or no contact as possible and focus on yourself and your family not him.
26th February 2016 at 7:49 am #10477
Thank you so much mixed mum! Just what I needed today. I’ve been ‘free’ for a while but his abuse still impacts me and my kids. But you’ve reminded me that it’s worth the struggle to be free from living with chaos and fear day in, day out.
I’m slowly realising that despite all the difficulties, life is beginning to feel good again.
It’s those little things that you mention like eating what you want, being able to go out to see friends without having to watch the time, go to bed when you want, wear what you want …. Like you said the list is endless.
I’m glad to be free and wish everyone who is recovering from an abusive relationship a happy and fulfilled life. 🙂
29th January 2016 at 10:42 pm #8602
Well done! These little steps are big achievements. Enjoy your proud moment!
29th January 2016 at 11:39 am #8564
So good to know there are good guys out there chatterbox. Hope your relationship goes from strength to strength!
I work with a woman who left her abusive partner years ago but has also met a genuinely nice guy, a real gentleman and friend.
Thanks for sharing. Gives me hope that all men aren’t abusive. Xx
29th January 2016 at 11:31 am #8562
It’s so awful that these men have been so manipulative and kept us from learning. I relate to so much of what you share Serenity.
My ex sabotaged every attempt for me to get back to work after I had children and then when I tried to get qualifications he would kick off whenever I tried to get out of the house.
I even made special arrangements to reduce the time outside and do more studying from home. But that didn’t suit him either because I would be accused of ignoring him. I gave up on so many courses. And I missed exams because he would agree to let me use our car to get to college then change his mind because he needed it. Or if I did manage to get to college he would sulk, accuse me of affairs, complain about the state of the house etc till eventually it was easier to not go at all.
Any time I tried to express my opinions he would start sneering ” who the f*** do you think you are? ”
Mental control is so hard to overcome because when all you hear is that you’re useless and that is reinforced by their extreme reactions when you do try to better yourself.
I’ve been apart from my abuser for a while but his comments and behaviour still impact me.
This year though I feel ready to start to learn some new skills and get some different qualifications. I know I can do it. We all can with a little self belief. Xx
28th January 2016 at 11:06 pm #8544
Thanks for this encouragement. Sometimes I feel like I am free to fly and other days I am crawling along. But I am always trying to look forwards and not backwards. X
28th January 2016 at 10:59 pm #8542
You are on a rollercoaster and he is taking advantage of your vulnerability.
When you feel like giving in, focus on your daughter. She needs safety, security and love too. Only you can give it to her.
Don’t be taken in by his lies.
It is so hard to ignore him, but no contact is the best way to keep safe. And when you are safe, your daughter is safe.
You are both precious and deserve so much more than the life he has forced you into.
Keep safe, use the support around you and slowly rebuild your life for you and your child.
You can do this! Xxxx
28th January 2016 at 10:48 pm #8540
Totally relate to what you describe. I feel numb too.
I think it is a normal reaction to trauma. So take each day or even each hour at a time and be gentle with yourself. Every one else around you can feel emotional because they didn’t go through it.
You’re reacting normally to the horrors of what you went through. Xx
21st January 2016 at 9:24 pm #8115
Thank you Confused. I do need to start crying from happiness that I am free. 🙂
11th January 2016 at 6:41 pm #7532
Hi Sparkle. So glad you’ve found the courage to post about what is really going on for you. It is so hard to admit to ourselves sometimes just how difficult it is. Particularly when it’s ongoing emotional and mental abuse, which is what he is doing to you.
I stayed in a very unhealthy and unhappy marriage for years where I suffered very similar abuse to you – silent sulks, nasty comments, threats to kill himself, putting me down, isolating me, blaming for how he felt….. the list is endless. It didn’t start like that and it just kept getting worse.
So please keep posting and keeping track of his abusive ways. This will help keep you focused on the days when he is being ‘nice’ and making you think that he is going to change.
Like your husband, mine also ending up being disowned by all his family members and had no friends. This is when it took really started to get worse for me, because his focus was on me 100% of the time and I sense this is what is happening for you. Everything became my fault. Nothing was good enough. I was accused of affairs when I didn’t even dare speak or look at a man. He accused me of being mental and an unfit mother. He sabotaged all attempts to improve in my career.
He ended up controlling everything about my life and little by little the abuse worsened.
Please remember that your job isn’t to keep him happy. You shouldn’t have to be walking on eggshells all the time. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.
You should be able to live your life as the woman you know you can be.
It took many years before he was removed by the police and for me that was the point of no return. It’s not easy making the decision to separate, but it was the right one.
I don’t want to make this about me, just wanting to give you hope that it is possible to get out of a horrible relationship and life can be good again.
Take care. xx
11th January 2016 at 2:09 pm #7520
It’s good you can come on here and share how you feel Serenity. You’re not moaning at all.
Look at the issues he has left you with even after all this time.
When we separate from our abusers it takes a different type of energy compared to living in the aftermath. The practicalities of divorce and finances can be she stressful. Like you he’s left me in a complete mess financially and there are times I feel totally overwhelmed at having to deal with it all.
And I can totally relate to how your mind can remember the cruelties. Out of the blue I have flashbacks to horrible events and vile words. Then I remember how he would tell me to lighten up and stop being so miserable.
How horrible for you too that he involves your children in his mind games. Yet another way for him to continue to annoy you from a distance.
I sense your tiredness, which is totally understandable. Look at what you’ve come through and still are going through! But you are an incredibly strong and insightful woman.
Hope you can take some time for yourself, to give yourself a bit of an emotional respite.
Take care. ((Hugs)) x