one day at a time

[one day at a time]

Just wanted to send you a big hug of support. You’ve been through so much and shown such courage. Take a day at a time and be kind to yourself. You can and will get through this and brighter days are on the other side. Take care xoxo

[one day at a time]

It wasn’t until I was going through the process of divorce that the extent of my abusers lies became so apparent. He was so convincing and would swear on his children’s lives that something was true. Now I know exactly when my ex is lying – he is moving his lips.

[one day at a time]

Hi Eve, I’ve experienced very similar situation with both my daughters after their dad was removed from the home and then the divorce. One daughter became very anxious and the other daughter was displaying autistic traits – both were seen by camhs counsellors. Like you I didn’t want their dad involved because he would have been so negative and made things worse.
I would agree that chatting things through with the counsellor on the phone first could be helpful.
Just from my own personal experience I’ve found that getting everything ‘out there’ has been the best way forward. Even though at times it’s made me feel like a bit of a failure as a mum – like you say, you don’t want to say the word abuse because as mothers we have done our best to protect our kids. But when you’re faced with a teenager who is going through a difficult time, it’s hard to hear how awful they feel because of what’s happened in the past.
To encourage you that things will pass and will get better, my eldest daughter who saw camhs last year is now so much more settled and confident. Still a little anxious, but more of a teenage angst than anything out of the ordinary.
Children are very resilient and with a loving, strong, caring mum like you, I am sure your daughter will go from strength to strength. Keep doing what you’re doing – listening, being patient, loving her where she’s at.
Take care xx

[one day at a time]

Dear Ayanna, I can relate so well to your post. I hate my rings but I still have them. I don’t want to sell them and use the money exactly because of that feeling of it being ‘dirty money’. Yet at the same time I want to get rid of them and I feel how much you want to be rid of them too. They symbolise everything you wanted but never will have now with the man who you once loved.
Thank you for posting. You’ve helped me realise there is no set time or good time to get rid of the rings. I need to sell my rings and treat myself in the way that I deserved for so long. Because the alternative is them lying in a drawer like a little secret – ‘I used to be married’. Today I’m single, free and happy.
I wish that for you too Ayanna. x

[one day at a time]

Hi dog lover,sending you a big hug of support. You’ve had lots of good advice here and I agree with it all.
I am in a very similar situation – its scary how similar it is to mine. I have been free from my abuser for a while but he continues to blame me for everything, tells lies about me to everyone including his children and lives a constant pity party.
It can be very draining emotionally so take care of yourself and keep talking/posting. The best advice I can give is what’s worked for me. Go as little or no contact as possible and focus on yourself and your family not him.
Xx

[one day at a time]

Thank you so much mixed mum! Just what I needed today. I’ve been ‘free’ for a while but his abuse still impacts me and my kids. But you’ve reminded me that it’s worth the struggle to be free from living with chaos and fear day in, day out.
I’m slowly realising that despite all the difficulties, life is beginning to feel good again.

It’s those little things that you mention like eating what you want, being able to go out to see friends without having to watch the time, go to bed when you want, wear what you want …. Like you said the list is endless.
I’m glad to be free and wish everyone who is recovering from an abusive relationship a happy and fulfilled life. 🙂

[one day at a time]

Well done! These little steps are big achievements. Enjoy your proud moment!

[one day at a time]

So good to know there are good guys out there chatterbox. Hope your relationship goes from strength to strength!
I work with a woman who left her abusive partner years ago but has also met a genuinely nice guy, a real gentleman and friend.
Thanks for sharing. Gives me hope that all men aren’t abusive. Xx

[one day at a time]

It’s so awful that these men have been so manipulative and kept us from learning. I relate to so much of what you share Serenity.
My ex sabotaged every attempt for me to get back to work after I had children and then when I tried to get qualifications he would kick off whenever I tried to get out of the house.
I even made special arrangements to reduce the time outside and do more studying from home. But that didn’t suit him either because I would be accused of ignoring him. I gave up on so many courses. And I missed exams because he would agree to let me use our car to get to college then change his mind because he needed it. Or if I did manage to get to college he would sulk, accuse me of affairs, complain about the state of the house etc till eventually it was easier to not go at all.
Any time I tried to express my opinions he would start sneering ” who the f*** do you think you are? ”
Mental control is so hard to overcome because when all you hear is that you’re useless and that is reinforced by their extreme reactions when you do try to better yourself.
I’ve been apart from my abuser for a while but his comments and behaviour still impact me.
This year though I feel ready to start to learn some new skills and get some different qualifications. I know I can do it. We all can with a little self belief. Xx

[one day at a time]

Thanks for this encouragement. Sometimes I feel like I am free to fly and other days I am crawling along. But I am always trying to look forwards and not backwards. X

[one day at a time]

You are on a rollercoaster and he is taking advantage of your vulnerability.
When you feel like giving in, focus on your daughter. She needs safety, security and love too. Only you can give it to her.
Don’t be taken in by his lies.
It is so hard to ignore him, but no contact is the best way to keep safe. And when you are safe, your daughter is safe.
You are both precious and deserve so much more than the life he has forced you into.
Keep safe, use the support around you and slowly rebuild your life for you and your child.
You can do this! Xxxx

[one day at a time]

Totally relate to what you describe. I feel numb too.
I think it is a normal reaction to trauma. So take each day or even each hour at a time and be gentle with yourself. Every one else around you can feel emotional because they didn’t go through it.
You’re reacting normally to the horrors of what you went through. Xx

[one day at a time]

Thank you Confused. I do need to start crying from happiness that I am free. 🙂

[one day at a time]

Hi Sparkle. So glad you’ve found the courage to post about what is really going on for you. It is so hard to admit to ourselves sometimes just how difficult it is. Particularly when it’s ongoing emotional and mental abuse, which is what he is doing to you.
I stayed in a very unhealthy and unhappy marriage for years where I suffered very similar abuse to you – silent sulks, nasty comments, threats to kill himself, putting me down, isolating me, blaming for how he felt….. the list is endless. It didn’t start like that and it just kept getting worse.
So please keep posting and keeping track of his abusive ways. This will help keep you focused on the days when he is being ‘nice’ and making you think that he is going to change.
Like your husband, mine also ending up being disowned by all his family members and had no friends. This is when it took really started to get worse for me, because his focus was on me 100% of the time and I sense this is what is happening for you. Everything became my fault. Nothing was good enough. I was accused of affairs when I didn’t even dare speak or look at a man. He accused me of being mental and an unfit mother. He sabotaged all attempts to improve in my career.
He ended up controlling everything about my life and little by little the abuse worsened.
Please remember that your job isn’t to keep him happy. You shouldn’t have to be walking on eggshells all the time. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.
You should be able to live your life as the woman you know you can be.
It took many years before he was removed by the police and for me that was the point of no return. It’s not easy making the decision to separate, but it was the right one.
I don’t want to make this about me, just wanting to give you hope that it is possible to get out of a horrible relationship and life can be good again.
Take care. xx

[one day at a time]

It’s good you can come on here and share how you feel Serenity. You’re not moaning at all.
Look at the issues he has left you with even after all this time.
When we separate from our abusers it takes a different type of energy compared to living in the aftermath. The practicalities of divorce and finances can be she stressful. Like you he’s left me in a complete mess financially and there are times I feel totally overwhelmed at having to deal with it all.
And I can totally relate to how your mind can remember the cruelties. Out of the blue I have flashbacks to horrible events and vile words. Then I remember how he would tell me to lighten up and stop being so miserable.
How horrible for you too that he involves your children in his mind games. Yet another way for him to continue to annoy you from a distance.
I sense your tiredness, which is totally understandable. Look at what you’ve come through and still are going through! But you are an incredibly strong and insightful woman.
Hope you can take some time for yourself, to give yourself a bit of an emotional respite.
Take care. ((Hugs)) x

[one day at a time]

Keep strong. You can do it 🙂

[one day at a time]

You’ve made it this far Moon, please hold onto the good feelings you’ve had since you left. It takes enormous courage to leave, but it can be so tempting to go back to the security of what you know even if it was hell on earth.
But keep taking each hour at a time and reaching for the support that is there.
You and your precious daughter deserve to be free from the fear, treading on eggshells, control, pain and no life of your own.
He has caused all this and he will do anything to get back control. He’s not used to not being able to make you do exactly what he wants. Please stay safe.
Your new life starts now. This is your chance to truly break free and live how you want, as the woman you know you are inside, not the low life he made you feel like.
(((Hugs for you and your daughter))) xxxx

[one day at a time]

You’ve done nothing wrong! He has. And he knows it which is why he transfers all his anger to you.
It’s a horrible way to come to the realisation he’s not going to change. But now you know for sure that he is just as abusive as ever (whether he has a probation officer or seeing the doctor or not).
I think you feel it’s going to get worse, so trust your instinct and have a plan in place.
Take care. Xx

[one day at a time]

Well done for getting out. I know it’s very hard for you and frightening too. Ignore any threats from him. He will say anything to make you out to be the bad one.
Your daughter needs to be safe with her mum. Love and hugs from you is all she needs to feel secure. Belongings can be replaced.
Try to see the positive in nothing happening until Monday. It gives you today and tomorrow to yourself without all the questions from the authorities. It gives you time to bond more with your daughter. It gives you a little space to start healing emotionally and physically.
Don’t reply to his messages but do keep them as a record.
Keep posting here and ringing the helpline too. You will get through this. You’ve made the first step. Take each day at a time and remember that every hour that passes is another hour free from the torment and abuse.
You’re a survivor. And life will get better for you. (( Big hug)) for you and your precious daughter. Xx

[one day at a time]

((((Huge hugs)))) to you. Just want you to know you’re not alone. You’re not only managing your grief for your dad but the realisation that even if you were still with your ex,he would have made it all about him or used the situation to manipulate you.
You deserve a comfort and hugs but not from someone who was so horrible to you and didn’t deserve to be with you.
Reach out to those who genuinely care for you and be kind to yourself. Xx

[one day at a time]

Thank you foggy for posting. It’s hard to confront the reality of our abuser. Your story is so very similar to mine. My abuser was removed by the police after nearly (removed by moderator) of being together. I went no contact and it was only then I could clearly see how controlling and manipulative he had been.
Yet like you I still had feelings for him that didn’t make sense. Even though I found out he had lied to me from day one, I felt a bond to him.
I also went through days of despair and panic. Any little thing can trigger me. And I have days when nothing makes sense at all. I don’t want to make this all about me, just want you to know you are not alone in your trauma bonding.
Hate is a very strong emotion and it’s confusing to feel that level of negativity towards someone you loved. I think you can love the person they pretended to be but hate the person they actually were. You can hate their actions and words, but at the same time show yourself enough love to realise you weren’t to blame.
The shock when they leave isn’t a one off event. There are lots more shocks as you realise what you’ve survived.
Well done for your courage to stay away. Keep strong. Take care. Xx

[one day at a time]

Yay! Big pat on the back for you! That’s a huge sign you have taken control of your emotions instead of having them controlled by him.
It’s a great feeling to have no feeling – just calm.
Keep strong. Xx

[one day at a time]

Well done Serenity for seeing your divorce through. I’ve read your posts and comments and can relate so much. At the same time you have inspired me to keep on track with my own journey of separating from my abuser.
I’m still going through the process. Such a long and hard process, but reading you are free has made me feel like I can do it too.
I know it’s a bitter sweet situation, but I think you’ll grasp your freedom with both hands and head for a bright, beautiful future – living your life as the woman you were meant to be.
Take care. Big hug. Xx

[one day at a time]

It’s early days in your healing and the celebrating will come later.
Look at what you’ve been through! You’ve been amazingly strong. Now it’s time to rest, relax and start to live life without fear and chaos.
It will take a while but you will get to the stage when you can breath easy, laugh and enjoy every day life.
Be gentle on your self. Treat yourself.
Take care. Big hug. Xx

[one day at a time]

Well done for being so strong. It would be wonderful if you could get the explanation, apology, reassurance etc that you deserve but the reality is you’re not going to get it. As you say, you’ve heard it all before.
It’s incredibly hard going no contact but remember that silence is your greatest weapon against control. It gives control back to you and if he’s anything like my ex, (he sounds very like my ex!) it will be driving him nuts not to get a response.
Keep a record of any communication and if it gets threatening tell the police.
If you feel like replying I agree with KIP that you write it down but don’t send it. If you get the urge to phone him, phone the helpline and sound off to them. I’ve done that a few times and felt so relieved afterwards that I didn’t break my no contact.
Wishing you all the best. Stay strong. Take care. Big hug. X

[one day at a time]

Hi. He sounds a very manipulative and controlling man, so I think from even the little bit you describe here, he clearly knows what he’s doing. He hasn’t accidentally misunderstood any messages! What a horrible, nasty way to treat you and your daughter.
My ex was similarly controlling, manipulative and cruel. It took me years to find the courage to end the relationship, but like you I can now start to live my life again. It’s frightening starting over but freedom to be me again is worth it. And my daughters have seen that it is not OK to live with abuse.
You deserve your freedom too. And your daughter deserves to be treated with respect and not have to put up with his mind games.
I’m glad you have times when you feel good about him being gone. Hang onto the feelings and remind yourself during those times when you miss what you should have had in the relationship.
It does get easier with time. He sounds very needy and insecure, but your job was never to be his security blanket. You’re not responsible for his happiness – he is. Time for you to focus on you and your daughter and putting your happiness first.
Stay strong. Take care. Big hug x

[one day at a time]

Merry Christmas to all you brave, amazing women who make this forum a little haven of support and kindness. Wishing you all a safe and calm time. Xx

[one day at a time]

Just wanted to send you a big hug. You are amazing for having got through everything so fae. Take each day as it comes, keep in touch with everyone who can support you and know life cab be good. Be kind to yourself. Xx

[one day at a time]

So sorry you are in such an awful situation. I felt the same as you this time last year and promised myself that next year would be different. Maybe you could promise yourself that this is the last Christmas you have to go through with your abuser and that next year will be very different for you and your son. It could be the best Christmas present you could give yourself 🙂 Take little steps to break free and start putting yourself first. You deserve to be happy and safe. Keep strong and keep reminding yourself that it doesn’t have to be like this. Big hug x

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