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There are so many things what I was dreaming about.
with my first abuser – I was not allowed to buy clothes, or to watch any movie or program, which one I would like. I could not have TV programmes, we had no TV package. I could not even buy a women’s magazine to read. I was not allowed to go to hairdresser, or dentist even if I was in pain. I have to eat when he is eating and eating what he allows me to eat. I was not allowed to say my thoughts or opinion, or idea. I was not allowed to spend my money. I was not allowed to make any choices. I was not allowed to carry on with education or working on my carrier. Or to have any dreams or ideas. Or sleep when I would like to. He was not allowing me to sleep properly. I was not allowed to have friends or be in touch with family.

You have to do as I told you, or there would be consequences. He never stopped until he got what he wanted. No matter how you protest. So it was easier to give up, at least I would have a break from constant pressure and shouting, throwing things, verbal abuse, emotional, physical.

Now I can do all these things, it is part of my life. I’m in the driving seat and NEVER want to give up this DRIVING seat.

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Before you will start to feel better, you will feel worse for a time being. By going no contact – is the best thing, what you can do. There would be a mourning period, where you can be angry, extremely upset, anxious, crying not stop.
Please join the freedom programme, you are not alone. Read the books, which will help you to recover. If you can access therapy, please do so. Just choose the therapist, which is good for you. You need to feel that how you will get on. Not with all therapist is possible to do the deep work and heal woods.
You never deserved what was done to you! and no other human can deserve either. No matter that he is blaming you. His opinions – DO NOT MATTER! remember it is his version to justify his abusive actions, his despicable behaviour to another human being. Often abusive men, dehumanize a woman, it gives them the right in the head, that it is ok to harm her, because…. they can invent many reasons why… But NONE of them is reality.
It took me so long to feel more or less better. It is the work what you have to do on you. Healing is a super hard, but it is worth at the end. It will give you the EMPOWERED woman, a new version of you.
It took me so long to actually reach for help and start to speak. After I reached for help, this is when my transformation started and still in the process.

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There is a great book – Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Please read it, it will help you.
I have been asking a lot the same question and I stopped. It was the choice of harming me, intentionally. It was a choice of my abusers, for them, it is a normal thing to do. But it is not my fault. I did not harm people and never will. They feel entitled to do that, the best thing what you can do is to take away this entitlement by removing yourself from the abuse. The hatred after you do that, beyond the description, as you took something away from the abuser, so precious and so valuable. The abusers do not love, they use ‘love’ as a weapon to abuse. What they call love, never has been love and never will be. But you can choose the real love – love for you, love for life, love to make changes, love for friendship, love to create. Love is not about taken someone else choices, but the opposite to give more choices and more opportunities.

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First, it will be hard, very hard, but trust you will feel better with time. I guarantee you. Think about how nice it will be to do things what you wanted to do for a long time, but could not! And if you do not know what to do with your time and where you belong, then it would be a perfect time to discover who you truly are!
I advise you to create your support network to help you to deal with the loneliness and think about activities to make you feel less lonely. I know it can be scary to walk to a new life, but it will be beneficial for you and do not be afraid of this lonely period. Time to take the bad stuff from your life and substitute with the good stuff.

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Hopelifejoy, please do not get so upset about the interview, it does not make you any worse. It is only the interview, it does not make you a failure! You have to be persistent and if this interview did not work out well, it does not mean it always will be this way. Sometimes we need to try 100 times before it will work out, and the one who will be on winning side, who kept trying! Be more gentle on yourself, find the new ways how to comfort yourself and treat yourself well! I know from myself how I can struggle to be good to me and detach from the past experiences, and all abuse I went through. But I remind myself, I have survived and it means I have to make something good out of my life.
I have to change, I have to grow and helped along the way to other women with similar experiences.
Think about a few things how you can improve the way you feel about yourself, think about little steps what you would like to take on your life journey. It is better to take a little step a day, than none at all!
There is a good podcast I listen too, she is an american life coach, who helps me to build my confidence – champagne diet by Cara.
When I found this site – I was so broken, that I thought I’m beyond any repair. But I take time to heal all that was broken and taken away from me and I intend to continue this journey. Hope you will as well!!!!

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Hello, nothinglikeme,
I’m not sure how fine all it was after beating because it just can not be. It is good that you started therapy and able to talk about how you feel and look deeper in a safe way. Why did you feel that you have to take him back?
He is clingy, as he sees the changes that are happening inside you. His separation anxiety should not make your heart melt, it is his own issue and you are not responsible for this. You have the right to choose what is good for you in life and make a priority of your well being. His words ‘it’s not about me, you’re are more important’ sound fake to me. If it was a happy relationship, you would not have doubts, you would live your life and love it. Carry on with the therapy and connect with yourself. During the abusive relationships, we get disconnected from ourselves far too much.
I’m doing myself therapy for the second year and it helped me so much, hope it will help you too, become more aware of everything.

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He is playing you up. It is one of the tactics – to go missing, so you will think more about him, worry and so on. He is disregarding you, it is one of the ways to take control away from you. Have been in two relationships myself and this is so typical. He wants to be in your head, raise your fear and anxiety, gives him more power and control over you.

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The abuser makes you intentionally vulnerable and you are looking validation from a very wrong person. He is not capable to give you the accurate answers and by seeking validation through him, this road will not lead you to a good place. Please learn more about the patterns, please find the freedom group in your area, please find at least one person outside to whom you can speak openly and who can help you see through the situation.
Somewhere I read the validation is only for the parking space.
Your feelings and emotions are important, please put yourself first.

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Thank you for doing so! with time she will understand, with time she will experience on herself, he will not change, he will not become suddenly a nice man. At least now she knows Clare’s law. More likely your ex makes the evil out of you, or call you a crazy woman. As mine two exes did, I was the crazy one, as I did want out and tried my best.
Time passes and she might be later contacting you and tell you, thanks for pointing me out. Police know what he did, he would not be on the register. I will be listening for sure, if someone would warn me now about a man, this will not be disregarded.

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I’m very sorry, what is happened to you. Hurting you and not to stop when you have asked it is not ok, and it is a violation towards you and your body. You have the strength inside you to leave him, but not realizing it yet.
I was ignored, I was very badly ignored when I said no, and I was crying non-stop, yet my abuser kept telling me the next day, this is what I was asking for. After cutting all ties and going no contact, maybe the survival instinct worked there, I started to realize every step, every little thing how I got manipulated and forced. Still can not put together how another human being can be to another human being, and act in such an evil way. I saw so much and I hurt so much and learning how to feel safe again, not sure I can make 100% progress there, but I try to foresee a better future. You can go to the rape center, they will listen to you and will comfort you. Create support around you to leave him.

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Hello,
Very good that you take off from him and started to make acknowledged what is going out. Clearly you are not happy, clearly you are feel pushed and clearly there is a coercion.
Have been to similar relationship – where it worked this way – sexually abuse me, then cover it up with gifts and pretending extra nice.
The words – he has high libido, he has his needs, it has been so long, expectations that sex should happen at least certain amount in the week – it is all coercion and pressure on you.
Taking off the condom – this is sexual abuse. Personally in my eyes it is a rape, you are forced to take the risk of your own health. You are very very clearly expressed that you do not want this happened. Secretly taking the condom – it was done intentionally, he clearly states with this action, no matter what – I will get what I want and I do not care about you at all. This man takes the power from you and it is not good. This is only the beginning and do not ignore your feelings and brush this behaviour under the carpet. Better to deal with the a such beast sooner than later. You are not obliged to sleep with him, even if he gets you a gift. It is his choice to give a gift and you choice must be – to choose you! and yours well being!
Even if you wish some help financially from a man, look for the safe one. There could be someone respectful, be nice to you, but will not put you under such distress and upset emotions like this one.
Be simple in decisions – you do not want to see him anymore, you have TOTAL RIGHT, to change the number or block him, without any explanation.

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Hello, Aliceinwonderland,
I did the freedom programme, as an extra thing to help myself. The therapy to one to one is working better for me. In my programme, the leaders were good, nice women. You have the opportunity to speak to other women, to hear how to overcome the past things, you feel less isolated. It was a big step for me – to come out of the house and be present among other people. For a long time – I have been isolating myself and there was the time, I can be out from the house only once a month, I would just not be going out. I started to be less scared of men and remind myself, I would not just let things escalate, neither I will tolerate the abuse, neither I will be silent if someone does not the right things and is disrespectful, abusive, pushing me, try to frighten me.
In the new man if you see the red flags, listen to your inner voice and follow it. If you keep attracting certain type – means you are not healed, you are not fully transformed. By transforming yourself I mean – to look deep inside you, what was the reason why you attracted the certain type. They exploit our weaknesses, our traumas, our fears in order to control you. Embrace who you are, think about changes what you would like to do in you and in your life. To be out from my pattern with abusive men – I need to change myself, so I will not be finding myself in the repeated situation, just with different men. It is like the scenario is the same, but faces are changing. Being out – I realised that how much danger I was putting myself with both of them, should be grateful that I’m alive and should try to do the best to reestablish what is broken. I can never be the same person, but I can create a new version of me.
Wish you all the strength and dedication to transform the pattern of your life. By noticing that this man is not good for you, or he shows the red flags and his behaviour belittles you or destabilizing you, choose yourself over him. The more choices like this you will be making, the more empowered you will become and your self esteem, respect will grow.
And next time when someone like him appear in you life, you will make an easier choice – thanks, have been there, no need of this crap, does not serve me anymore.
Choose only people who bring good emotions to your life and people who treat other not well or you, do not deserve to be in your life.

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Hi, Sunshinerainflower,
I liked your post, you are analysing your own ways and how you are feeling. You are more conscious about your patterns and an old way of thinking. I would not overthink about the post man. The reason is – I followed you and read many posts from you – you are too intelligent woman and I can feel the class + style between the lines. The post man would not be able to satisfy your needs and desires what you are looking in the man. May be I’m here very harsh, but I see it this way. It is the light flirt, take it and enjoy a little attention from the handsome man, no harm in that. His attention does not make you to oblige to go any further. More likely you are coming further on the journey of healing, you started to notice attractive men, which is good. But I have a feeling in time, there is someone for you, who would be right and will satisfy your expectations. Good looking is not enough, it is a bonus. I do not see anything wrong when a woman wants good looking, intelligent man and who is earning well. Why not? Do not put your expectations lower, just because right there is no one around, who will fit your ideal image. I invented a new motto after my experience with men – FILTER like a freak:)
Couple months ago when I started to go to the gym, I walked in for a very long break, turned on the way out, because I saw so many men there, had the panic attack. I managed to calm myself and said, it is not necessary someone from there will harm me, it is very hard to start for me, after locking myself in the house. We should try to process what we have been through, create new boundaries, create our new version of ourself. Our past should not be on the way to our future. It has been only a year for you on the recovery, it is only the very beginning, with time you will be making more and more progress, as now you are choosing yourself and working hard on transforming your life.

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You should celebrate what you have achieved and how you transformed yourself into the woman, you want to be. It is your right! I do not like the attitude that if you do not look like the true victim, you are kind of not qualified for help and something is wrong here. This person can not see what is inside, and what you went through, how much damage was done to you, and how much a man can destroy.
With my first abuser – I was not allowed to have things, to eat what I want, to dress the way it suits me or the way I wanted. being in my early (Detail removed by Moderator) – he would force me to dress like I’m over fifty. It looked very odd on me.
Despite of having my own savings, my own earnings, he was allowed to have rolex watch, living in two countries at the same time and flying over. My right was according to him – the charity clothes. And it was me who was working multiple jobs at the same time. at some point i had 3 jobs doing at the same time, just to pay for his lifestyle and still he was bitting himself in the chest – he is the man of the house.
When he found a new victim and all my resources were sucked out, my life as well – of course I gave myself a promise never ever again I will let a man do things what he has done to me. He did not care to take the last and that I will be without home, without income, he wanted to destroy all, any stability I was trying to create. That is what they do, instead of giving the stability, they take away.
I started to take care of myself, I started to earn and I had the ability to spend on myself. I remember the hesitation in the shop, to buy things for myself, as it still felt like he is telling me, i’m not worth it to have good things.
It took me years and years to take his horrible voice from my head.
And I wish you all get rid of what does not belong to you, return to the true you! Beneath the abuse what is done to you, is important to look for this special woman in yourself, nurture her and take a good care of her.

If I do not look like the typical victim now, it is due to the hard work I put into life to change things.

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hi,
to get into second abusive relationship – it is more common, than you think. Do not beat yourself up too much, recognise it and make a plan how to get out. To me it happened exactly the same story – I got involved with my second abuser, while I was still with my first abuser. It looked to me – that could be a solution. I was so wrong and paid high price for this. The sooner you will get out, the better for you and your mental health. You list many flags here on your post. Possibly you were not ready fully face your emotions, just like me. I suppressed my emotions so much, I was trying so hard to run away from my life with the first abuser, that I could not see well ahead of me. Now I take time to heal and work on myself, everything what is in pain and broken, I try to repair. Just do not want to be in the same situation again and again, this change need to come inside me. Treats of suicide is a huge flag. Both of my abusers were doing this tactic to hold me for multiple times. They lie – very rare they really will kill themselves, it is emotional abuse and the attempt to keep you in the relationship.

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Hello, Julka,
I read your story and I recognise myself so much in you. Well done that you started to get the advice and support. The more information you will find out, the more helpful it will be to you. In your situation please do not tell him what are you planning. Even when you come to the certain plan or decision – do not tell him anything!
He does not know it, he can not sabotage it.
I stuck (detail removed by moderator) in one abusive relationship and then straight in to the next one fro almost (detail removed by moderator) again. Multiple attempts to leave – failed so many times, as i was making both of them aware of my decision to stop relationship.
They can trick you back, or find the leverage how to keep you.
Very often abusers accuse victims of the abuse. What you did – it was kind of self defence, often they use this tactic in front of the police, so you will be on the bad books. His tactic I can see why he did this way, he was making sure you will never turn to the police. Many abusers can create similar situations, or make you something to do, which prevents you to get help, so that can carry on do as they pleased.
Now register with your GP all the violent attacks, take photos yourself and resend to the safe email. Record him when he goes violent. Also resend to the safe place. It all be useful to you.
Just like you I’m not from here, and I found women’s aid when I already left the relationship. I wish I came across when I was in both of these relationships. You are in the right place and you are not mad. Of course you will be depressed and upset, and anxious, and doubting yourself, as you are with someone who does awful things to you. REMEMBER, it is not your fault, you did not deserve it. Neither you did something wrong, that gives him the right to harm you. Time to take this privilege away.
While you will be building your plan, do that he has no suspicion, do not give yourself away. In time when you attempt leaving or changing the course, abuser becomes even more violent.

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Too much of his contact, not healthy for you and for your kids. By telling them how much his suffering, he puts a pressure on them and on you. 30 messages a day – he is trying to pursue you, but it is very important to give in and create boundaries. Kind of protective walls so he can not get to you.
Now you decide what is acceptable for you, do not forget this, he can not mingle to your life too much, specially when it makes you upset like this.
In my journey – absolutely no contact was vital to help me to heal. I’m trying still do all the right step, but the most important is – abuse need to stop and no pressure from that person, so you can have time, space, facility to process things. Every day I repeat like a mantra – under no circumstances I let this person near me. I know how much poison, lies, deception, treats, emotional and physical abuse. I just have to do this in order to keep safe.
You have the right to feel well in life.

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You should congratulate yourself for getting out! I’m very pleased with every woman here, when she is sharing, that she is out. From abusive relationship is million times harder to get out, compare to the normal relationship.
Enjoy your freedom, enjoy the choices what you can make for yourself!
All the blessing, all the strength to you, to rebuild your life!

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I tell my dreams to my therapist and some of them were really awful, like the horror movies. To me it usually happens around 4 am and I also heard from my friend and family, that I can be sobbing. Your dreams are indicators – pay attention to them. Also for the future, if you will be seeing them, it means you can be not at the right situation for yourself. Nightmares are the signs, that it is not all good in our life.
You will start to uncover when you will be ready, and some thing will just pop in the memory, what you have suppressed. At least it happened to me. During the sexual assault I was so dissociated and some things, I can not remember well. Some of these will come in the form of a nightmare.
Keep working on your wounds, by doing so you will be able to start the journey of recovery. Hope you will get the right therapist, who will help you and support you.

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Hello, littleblue,
You need to give sometime to process things. It is not your fault what is happened! And never will be!
After you have been through, totally normal to feel empty, now it is the right time to pour in you – good stuff!
Care and kindness towards yourself, take care of your needs. And processing with the right support – it is one of them.
I would advise you to stop drinking, as it can be the escape for you, easy to get hocked to it, it numbs for sometime.
But next day you feel worse than before.
it takes long long time – to love yourself, to care for yourself and change how you deal with life, men as well.
I did the whole revision from my first abuser, but it was not enough. I was not knowing what I know now, and ended up with the second abuser, which turned even worse.

From the first one – he constantly called me useless, slag, fat, ugly cow, whore, there was so much. During this relationship – I was feeling the ugliest woman in my life, they brainwash you with it. I never though there would be anyone else for me ever. I was very young woman and he brainwashed me that I’m already past the date, my time for marriage is over. This is so funny now, as he was old and I was young.
By leaving this relationship – I ended up with plastic surgery, as I thought I need serious fixing. Which is not true!
Without tears I could not see myself in the mirror during the relationship and after.
It took about 5 years to get out his voice from my head.
And with dedication, you will be able to do it too!
But start with the plan, think which woman you would like to be, how this woman feels in life? who is around? what she is doing? how is her lifestyle?
And then start to make the steps what need to be done, to be this woman. Remember – kindness to yourself is important!
It is enough that someone else abused you, you do not need to do it to yourself! You are the one, who need to take care and look after you!

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You know what you want and focus on this, do not let the people who judge you, to distract you or take away your precious energy. Turn this anger, turn this pain into reorganising your life, chase your dreams. Every woman should try her best by rebuilding herself. Commit to your dreams, your vision and have patience for everything. Better go slowly, but steady. No one should hold your from who you really want to be. Specially someone else opinion, they are just people. And the people who are labelling you now, could go themselves through depression in their life. it happens, no one is immune to it.

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Hello, sunshinerainflower,
I can relate to you very much, not all people can correctly deal with it. And myself had recently experience which made me feel very upset. I was doing some short term counselling, it was extra to my therapist ( which is an amazing woman), all was going well, i have learned new things. On the last session when saying goodbye, me decided to give a hug, not the very close one. The lady jumped from me and said I can not do that. And here I’m questioning myself, I misunderstood her, for some sessions I was really working hard to be open, to transparent, so someone from outside can see me and help me navigate or point to the right direction, where I can help myself with traumas. This made me feel very much judged and I felt not great.
Leaving the place, I felt, may be it was the wrong place for me to share my staff.
My therapist never gave me any little sign, that I’m being judged, she remember my life story, she supports me and if the session was hard for me, she will give me a hug by the end and will ask me if i’m ok to leave?
And the reaction from this lady was so different, and I did not expect it. Made me really question what she really think about me?

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@freedoms – I wish you to achieve this, taking slowly steps helps. It is hard for sometime to start doing it, but once you are back on track – you can become unstoppable. You kind of like to have the freedom to make the choices and decisions over your life. You do not need anyone’s permission to do the right thing for yourself!

@DIYmum – this is a bit hard to achieve, but there are the ways how to control your fear. Personally I struggle to feel safe, I still so much scared of both my abusers, it never goes fully away. It is based on the experience what you went through and totally natural to feel scared, anxious. Good to make a safety plan – like if the emergency you know in advance how you will deal with the situation. I play often in my head this and it made feel less anxious.

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Hello, poppymayflower,
All what you have described is abuse, the blaming on his drinking problem – it is not true, it is not legit excuse to behave the way he does. Many drank men do that, they put on drinking their aggression and abuse. But for the fact they perfectly aware what they do. It starts smashing things in the house, but unfortunately it will escalate smashing us.
Every case individual, for some it will be 2 years, 5 years, but when smashing furniture, your things, is not giving the desired results, they move to you. That you live in fear and do not know what to expect, this is already enough to leave him. Trust me, it is not worth it, the longer you stay, the more he will chop from your personality, your self esteem goes down and it makes harder to leave or even turn for help.
Have been twice in very abusive relationship. Both of them were attempting so called suicides number of times, when they knew I want out. You start to pity them, you blame yourself and they got what they want – CONTROL. Suicide is an emotional abuse, what they put you throw.
Do not pity him, pity yourself! When you are in these type of relationship, hard to care for our own needs. They are so ignored, and soon it becomes the norm.
He does lots of playing here. Sorry – it is not real, it does give him opportunity to carry on the abuse. How easy it is done? I say sorry, you are the love of my life, I will be good for a certain time and then he slips back to his normal mode. He says sorry, without truly meaning there, it is just one of the ways to carry his behaviour.
Once you prepare the plan to exit – do not go into direct contact with him. You need spend time alone and go no contact. As he will poison you, and you might get back, there would be crying, begging, stalking, suicide and much more coming. They magically find the perfect words. With my first abuser – I had so many attempts to leave, at some point I was successful and went to other country to live. And he still got back on me with all these mastered lies. With every return to him – I made my escape even harder. Slowly he took all my options in life and closed the doors for me.
Please read the book – Why does he do that? Lundy Bancroft.
Please read – Boundaries after a pathological relationship – Adelyn Birch
No rule contact – Natalie Lu – for everyone who is struggle to break the cycle with the abuser. It will help you to detach from him and focus on your life.

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Right now to me, it sounds ridiculous when a man throws such words. It is objectifying. One of the similar words ‘Men would be men” finding very repulsive as well. No, thanks do not want to be with someone, who thinks this way.
One of my abusers – had the thing – he will go only for women who are under 30 years old. When you get closer to 30, you are an old, unwanted good, which passed the date. How disgusting is that?
And he will be with the women until this age only.

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@CityMum – I hope you will be able to do that, slowly, but steady steps. We so much think about someone else need and were put into the pressure of his needs, that it can erase us, as a person. Abuse does that, it erases the person, you feel you do not live, but hardly exist and holding on. Time to live up for your standard and your vision, not to his, where it is distractive to you. With therapy I figured it out, no man in my personal life was a healthy relationship.
And if someone was a decent and good man, I will stick to the awful, because my self-esteem was erased, my feeling of myself was erased. For me it is such relief I took control of the situation, I took the power back and hope other women will find the courage to do that.

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@fizzylem – what a wonderful thought you have, to choose your own path, your own idea of life and how things should be in your life. IT IS YOUR LIFE! Go, go and get all that you lie for yourself!
I’m trying hard this for me, I survived so much and no longer, I want just to float in life. And no longer I going to accept creepy behavior towards me. Hope all women look for inner strength to grow and rise from ashes, to be reborn.

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Hello, dear shine bright.
You did the brave thing – to start to talk about what is happened to you, it is a very hard part and this one step towards healing from what you have been through.
It is very sad for me to hear what happened to you and none of this is right.
The police office is right – if you have been crying, if you asked him to stop and he did not, if you have been in any distress – it is rape.
By being your husband does not give him the automatic consent from your side and green light to have sex on you, whenever he wants. You are human being, you are woman, you not obliged to do. And if for the future you decide you never want to have sex again – it is your RIGHT! And other people should respect it and not to push you.
If someone pushes you to have sex, when you do not want, it is not ok, no matter who this person is.
You might not aware, but women are it risk to be raped by their partners more than by a stranger.
I decided that I will not have sex, unless I will marry and feel this is what I want. Since that decision I started to feel I’m more in control finally.
Finally there is no one who will be coercing me with fear, pressure, blackmailing, obligation, physical, emotional abuse. I feel that my body belongs to me, I hope with time you will feel the same.
What he did to you, you are not to blame, it is his action and you should not put his blame on you. Detach yourself from it.
Abusers use many excuses to abuse and none of them valid! There is no excuse for it !
Not all men are like him, but I understand your fear about them, it is the consequences of his actions.
The condom is too small and hurt him – it is the lie! He thinks only about his agenda.
In Islam – wife can divorce husband if he is abusive to her, have no guilt feeling about it. Also he should have treated you well as wife, it is his duty.

Please read the myth vs realities about sexual violence. Hope the link will show up.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/about-sexual-violence/myths-vs-realities/

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You worked hard to be successful. He wants money, he need to work. He is responsible for his own life, not you. And he is not deserving money from you and live off you.
It is guild trap, which is not fair on you.
I’m against when a man lives off woman. Have been myself in this situation, takes my money + abused me.

[fridges]

not a big loss here, obviously he did not like the confrontation and that you have raised your voice on this matter, showed you have a healthy self esteem and respect to yourself. You should be proud of yourself. You are becoming more aware of your environment.
Before I would ignore such jokes, but in my current state and my experience – I would not do that. Neither I advise to women to accept this type of joke. If the man would get the opportunity to do that for real, he will do it and he only ask about it, to try if it is going to work out.

[Author]

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