Tickleribber

[Tickleribber]

Quietgiraffe,

Hi, don’t know if this is a helpful comment but I’ve watched a ton of videos on YouTube about how dating and relationships are in 2020, as well as ones dealing with abusive partners and abusive family situations.

Fascinating, as it’s moved on a lot from my early dating experiences.
Also, For me knowledge is power, I’m a good communicator and I have been able to have relationships recently that haven’t followed an abusive pattern.

As you say, you may need time to trust your instincts and judgement again, everyone is different!

[Tickleribber]

Hi Everyone

This is my situation right now, I have had my own bed/room for a good while now, no physical contact, and he hasn’t often told me where he’s going out to for a really long time.
I do have my own life and interests, and try to avoid discussions with him about where I am.
Also he rarely eats anything I cook these days, I think that’s just a spiteful tactic to make me feel stupid for having bothered, so I just freeze the rest of the dish in portions for myself to eat another day.

He’s on his best behaviour also, since the whole COVID situation exploded earlier this year, before that he was threatening and awful. So unlikely I’d get an Occupation Order.
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I really wish I could get a divorce but truthfully I’d be looking over my shoulder the whole time, and living in a bad neighbourhood, which has its own problems.

No contact isn’t possible as I want to see grandchildren and keep my job, so he’d know where to find me.
He does have a long standing woman “friend” if he’d go off with her then that would be so much easier.
Actually I have really good time with my own friends and interests some days, fortunately he’s never stopped me going out as I’ve always been expected to work.

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[Tickleribber]

Thanks Hazy! That means a lot, I will keep you in my thoughts too!
The ripples from their incredibly bad behaviour are just mind blowing.
The usual reaction from the very few people that do know, is well, there must be much more to it than that, or there’s two sides to everything.

Actually there isn’t! We just have to hope for better in the future.

You have to be in it to understand it, and I know you do.

[Tickleribber]

Lazarus17 have you tried the Bright Sky app, it does have a journal feature and its got a shortcut to make emergency calls, as well as other useful things?

[Tickleribber]

I’m finding it so frustrating at the moment that it seems impossible to get even a very short interview with a solicitor to check my legal position without paying out a small fortune.
It’s not complex as my children are grown up.

Women’s Rights seem forever busy on their helpline etc and it seems soooo unfair that our GP is constantly chasing HIM with health education and advice On his medical issues (which he never takes) but I struggle to get help.

Seems a little rough when how he is is not my fault.

It would be awful to leave only to find you haven’t understood the legal side of it and get ripped off, this concerns me a lot as I’m not young enough to start from scratch.

[Tickleribber]

Crying is very therapeutic, so good you still can do that, I’ve pretty much lost the ability as I saw it gave HIM pleasure.

Please don’t sit at home pining for him though, it really hurts me to hear you are doing that, hopefully you’ve got past that a bit more now, life’s too short to be giving him so much space in your head.
Time to remember who you are and what your passions are, try to get out there and follow some of those things again? I used to start looking for posters and announcements of upcoming events in my area, write them down and try some of them.
Also it’s important to remember you can’t separate mental and physical health, so look after your wellbeing.
I actually watch a lot of self improvement and health videos on YOUTube, information is power and helps you see the bigger picture.
These people can’t interact in a meaningful way with anyone, they are lacking the skill set, so pity anymore else he gets involved with, they’ll get the same treatment you did sooner or later

[Tickleribber]

Hi Hazy, I’d just like to add that this is me too and you’re not alone in it.
KIP has excellent thoughts on this and I can’t suggest anything better.
A good few years ago I was attacked by my husband for nothing, which is rare, mostly it’s gaslighting and insults. Daughter was pregnant at the time, and the short version is that when I told her what he’d done she said we weren’t fit to be grandparents.
Husband worked on her over a few months, and now he sees her and her family and I don’t. I’m reminded about this frequently by him.
Not too long ago, husband said daughter wanted to re connect but it was a Lie, just a wind up designed to yank my chain.

My sons aren’t very supportive of my situation, but I do see a lot of my younger son and his child, husband tried to sabotage that relationship too but fortunately he failed.
My eldest son lives abroad permanently and though he’s very good to me when I do see him, and keeps in touch, but he doesn’t want to know what his stepfather is up to.
My daughter was always a daddy’s girl so that may have something to do with it. But she knows her fathers faults pretty well so I don’t get it.

All I do is be grateful she has a successful life and a non abusive husband, maybe with time and maturity on the part of our children, things will improve for both of us.
So wrong to try and remove us from our grandchildren’s lives, my hope is that in time my daughters children will work out they’re missing a grandmother and will come and find me.

[Tickleribber]

Hi again,
You’re so welcome, I hope things are moving along well for you too, sending you more virtual hugs and positive thoughts.

Like you I can’t think of exiting, truly it would just bring a fresh set of difficulties. I don’t have any emotional attachment to him and live my own life best I can. It would be nice to get a new pet, house feels empty, but HE uses my fondness for them against me so it doesn’t seem fair which is sad.
My (removed by moderator) said he’ll keep an eye on his social media in case anyone there needs to rehome a cat urgently that he thinks I’d like, we’ll see.

Do keep Samaritans in mind, it’s rare to wait more than a very few minutes to speak to someone, and it can be very comforting just to talk knowing you won’t be judged or gossiped about.

[Tickleribber]

Hi, Absolutely I hear you, and you’re not stupid to be out rather than home alone.
Losing pets is awful, happened to me (removed by moderator) so I get that one too.
Hard though it is, don’t assume the worst about your (removed by moderator), no doubt she’s in the right place with people who will do their best to help her.

If you can do phone Samaritans on their national number day or night, they’ve helped me many times by being there and listening when I felt it was all far too much and didn’t want to go on.
It’s not easy when you get a stack of problems as well as HIM to deal with, today is another day, thinking of you and sending you hugs xxxx

[Tickleribber]

Hi, just wanted to say that absolutely I agree with KIP that if you’d stayed it’s likely this would have happened anyway.
My husband managed to alienate my daughter a number of years ago by convincing her I was mentally ill, when in fact he had just attacked me physically for the kick it gave him and for no other reason.
Pure evil, fortunately my sons both see through him but I’m still not in contact with my daughter.
One of the reasons I will always loathe him, unfortunately I haven’t found a way out yet but I’m working on it.

[Tickleribber]

Hello Quietgirraffe,

My feeling is that if you don’t try you may regret not doing so, maybe just message him and ask if he’d like to meet for coffee or something similarly low key. If he says yes, when you’re there maybe ask if he sees the possibility that you could be more than just acquaintances/friends if it feels right to do so. Ideally use your intuition on the day to judge if and how to put this.

For sure any old wounds, either from past bad Romantic relationships or from Childhood do inevitably surface in new relationships but if you’re aware of that and keep grounded it’s worth a try.
Everything is a learning opportunity.
If he says no, then you’re not going to be wondering about what could have happened, and if as you say your professional relationship ended, it doesn’t matter because you don’t need to see him again.
I think at the end of the day, we only regret the things we wish we tried to do but didn’t.
One thing to avoid is talking any more about your previous abusive relationships unless he asks you specific questions, even then don’t dwell upon it and try to focus on what’s happening now and not the past.
Wishing you good luck

[Tickleribber]

I can see the point of this exercise, but I’m really having trouble getting my head round living in a one bed flat in the worst part of town.

If I do that, there’s a lot of crime and vandalism, probably no pets allowed, and it sounds like a nightmare of another kind.

Also he’s not willing to leave, which gives me the option of either leaving him in charge of my biggest asset, as the very little house we own is paid for and then renting which I can’t afford to do, or trying to get a divorce through while living with him. Both very bad options.

Perhaps my OH just isn’t bad enough, yes he’s a really mean and cruel man but still I feel in like I’m in catch-22, won’t win whatever I do.
Might as well just do my own thing as children are grown up, and hope for the best.
who wants to grow old anyway. Don’t think I do!

[Tickleribber]

Hi RedGiraffe

I love Theatre and live entertainment too, started going out on my own to those a good while back because he wouldn’t and life’s too short not to.
I didn’t want to have any regrets that he’d stopped me doing the things I love later on. Fortunately he’s never stopped me going out on my own, I am expected to work after all and contribute money.

Maybe think about open air theatres and shows, there are a few of those going on with social distancing that I’ve been to recently so maybe check in your area.
It’s surprising how one thing leads to another, I went from seeing bands in my area to the next show my favourite ones were doing nearby, that was a different venue I’d never heard of, and they had a wider range of outdoor entertainment.
Once I got started, I enjoyed it much more and talked to more people than if I’d gone with him sitting there glaring away and wanting to leave early.
You could wait a very long time for the “right” time to try this, but I’d say just go for it if it’s organised properly Official event and give it a try, good luck.

[Tickleribber]

I agree this is a massive problem as the helplines are overwhelmed just now.
I’d really like to speak to a solicitor about my situation, but I’ve tried many times to get through to Rights of Women and have had no luck.
Sometimes I just give up and can’t be bothered but I know I should.
I feel I would be wasting my time and money if I don’t find the right professional person to give me advice, but I’m not finding it easy to find out the best professional person in my area.

[Tickleribber]

This sounds familiar to me too, the outside world doesn’t know what goes on behind closed doors and the public persona of the abuser is extremely convincing.
A great many women my husband comes into contact with regularly seem to develop a crush on him, until he’s told to knock it off by their partners.
Those that are single fall for it and he’s had many affairs.
Even his mother thinks the sun shines from his @@@.
It sounds like you’ve got clarity it what needs to be done though, which is a great thing, and please do look after your health that is so important going forward.
It’s also good you seem to have resources to get started on the legal side of things. The financial side is why I feel stuck.
Do keep posting, absolutely everyone here will believe you, and good luck.

[Tickleribber]

Financial mostly, as our house is jointly owned and paid for, he announced after the last child left home that he’d come and go as he pleases, and we wouldn’t be going on holiday together, or out for any kind of date night ever again. Pretty much he’s stuck to that and over time I’ve built up my own interests, but pretty much they’ve all gone at present due to COVID-19.

He’s got no intention of moving out because it’s cheap accommodation, and I don’t feel I can do that and leave him in charge of my biggest asset.
He’s also stopped most of the worst behaviour recently so not easy to get him removed.

I don’t have anywhere to go without running down my savings in rent, I’m semi retired so can’t recover financially from the fallout of court costs as well.
I’d rather give that money to my son as he needs a bigger house in a better area for my grandson.
I want to see my grandson so I can’t disappear completely.
I like my job, a lot of my identity is connected to it but I work in public spaces so he’d know where to find me.
He’s more than capable of plotting revenge, I get told stories of how he’s waited years to do that to other ppl but succeeded eventually.

He’s done so much bad stuff to me I have no feelings of affection or guilt at all, I do think it’s possible to meet someone else but I’d worry he’d try and hurt them physically, he has a criminal record for that.
I can’t see a way out at all just now, but I’d like to leave.

[Tickleribber]

I think it’s shocking that the doctor wasn’t more supportive!
This was my situation a very long time ago, and at that time my doctor wrote me a letter supporting my application for a non molestation order, and I got one very easily because of that letter.
The health professionals main concern should be supporting you through the pregnancy so you’re well and the baby is as healthy as possible.
It’s so frustrating when you’re knocking on doors trying to get help and it’s not forthcoming, hopefully soon the support worker will get back to you and recommend someone who can give you the right legal advice, so just keep trying.
The Police are Really only concerned with breaches of the law, I hope you can access support to help with the stress this situation is causing you, thinking of you and wishing you well.

[Tickleribber]

I’ve often thought of this as when the pain level of the abuse reaches 10/10.
Any lower number, even 9.5 and likely and you won’t go.
I hit 10/10 early (detail removed by Moderator) a handful of years ago, unfortunately I’m still here as I can’t figure out the practical and financial side of it, I’d have to pay a very high price in terms of where I’d live and even worse I’m worried he’d try and ruin any future happiness for me. I couldn’t disappear as I have grandchildren close by and work I really like that keeps me going, so he’d find me easily. It’s a small town and my work is done in public spaces.
Many times I’ve heard stories from him on how he’s plotted and succeeded in messing up the lives of people who’ve dared to cross him.
My 10/10 moment came after I went to see my favourite (detail removed by Moderator), oddly he doesn’t stop me from doing those things.
Trains were a bit strange so I arrived really early, and my very favourite (detail removed by Moderator) came out of the dressing room to greet some friends just arriving.
On the way back he decided to stop and chat to me for no obvious reason, and we’ve been friends ever since.
The way he spoke to me wasn’t in any way inappropriate or sleazy, but clearly he enjoyed chatting to me, still does, and then when I went home and got shouted and verbally abused for leaving a light on, the contrast of the two conversations hit me big time.
I’m disappointed with myself for not leaving but I’ve not found much support as the abuse hasn’t been physical for a while, but being with him stresses me out mentally, living a restricted life in lockdown with him was hell.

[Tickleribber]

Hi, I just read your posts and wanted to add that yes, this could have been me writing this almost exact thing a handful of years ago, particularly the bit about work. And how you don’t feel your former confident self, that’s down to him working on ruining your self esteem over the years, but definitely you can get it back in time.

Once I got onto this Forum and educated myself reading the info and others posts, and the material other ladies are suggesting, it all fell into place and I saw the bigger picture of what’s happened. Then I could start to regroup.
Once I figured it out, my perspective changed and yours will too, you’ll see it for what it is, you sound like a very smart woman.
Sending you virtual hugs, we all need those.

[Tickleribber]

Hi Helphelphelp

This is just classic abuse called gaslighting and projection, you can google these terms and read how it works.
You’re right weak men do this, it’s their way of altering your sense of reality so you think you’re losing the plot (which you’re not, it’s gaslighting) and pushing his sense of shame at his actions on to you (projection).
A really unpleasant way to behave but all too familiar to many ladies on here I think you’ll find, and unlikely to improve unfortunately.

[Tickleribber]

Hi,

Yes, absolutely this happens to me as well. It’s all part of the manipulation and control tactics they love so much.

I actually don’t ever get kisses from him at all now. I might get a hug if I ask, but it won’t have any feeling behind it and will last a Few seconds.

Recently he commented that if I wanted to “do anything” I should let him know.
That’s because he’s got a girlfriend with the physical type that he prefers (detail removed by Moderator).
Thanks but no thanks.

This has nothing to do with your attractiveness as a woman by the way.
Fortunately I know this because I visit several different (detail removed by Moderator) for my work, and even in my non flattering work top I get stared at and hit on a lot, especially by younger men, so it’s not me.
Must be confusing if your world is smaller though due to child care and isolation though, and you rely on him for approval.

I believe this type of man isn’t capable of giving real care, love and commitment, except possibly to their mothers, but they’re great at self love and sucking out what they need from others though, without giving anything back.

[Tickleribber]

Hi, I’ve watched lots of Dr Ramani’s videos on YouTube too, they’re a real eye opener and you will recognise lots of the behaviour and topics she talks about.
Also excellent is Surviving N********m on YouTube with Dr Les Carter, his business partner Laura also makes videos and was in a abusive relationship for many years, she talks about what she experienced, about getting out, her mixed feelings about it all.
Knowledge is power I’ve found.

[Tickleribber]

Been there too. You’re not stupid at all, I think we need to feel we’ve tried everything, eventually the realisation sets in that you’ve thrown everything you can into the relationship, there’s nothing more you can do, and it’s not working. That’s the red line?
Actually I seriously question these days if I’m in a relationship, as my husband just takes the things he likes from it that suit him, and ignores the rest. So no real participation, I’m just being used!

[Tickleribber]

Hi, I just wanted to say, lots of your story is similar to mine although the abuse I get is more verbal / derogatory these days.
My grown up children aren’t acknowledging their father isn’t a nice person, in fact yesterday when I mentioned to my son I thought his father was behaving unfairly, he told me to shut up or he wouldn’t bother coming to see me. I do get it a bit as they work together, my husband contributes a lot to their business and passes a lot of knowledge on. It’s important my son earns good money for his young family.
My daughter won’t actually speak to me as the last time he was physically violent a handful of years back, he turned it round and somehow blamed me for it, so now he sees her and I don’t.
So I’d advise not discussing their father’s behaviour with your children, as it could create more problems you don’t need.
I can remember my half sister pointing out my mother’s less pleasant (borderline personality disorder) traits, and though I knew it was true it made me feel very uneasy and I didn’t want it in my head.
Just my opinion.

[Tickleribber]

Hi, Yes, people are amazingly shallow when it comes down to the nitty gritty of actually giving help. Happens all the time in my world too.
Might just be worth giving the police a call to see if they would be prepared to escort you out and give you a lift, nothing to lose by asking.
I was offered this by my local police service when I talked to them on their non urgent phone number about an assault a while ago,so theoretically it’s possible.

[Tickleribber]

Just wanted to say, being clingy and insecure, and not knowing where you’re going in life doesn’t make you in any way a “bad” person who brings out the worst in people.
A lot of us are just like that, particularly when we’re still young and trying to figure life out.
As someone else said, abusers exploit your weaknesses and are masterful at making you feel you’re a little crazy.
I like to think I’m A very grounded person, but even now my grown up children say I was bat crazy sometimes, that was before I figured out what was going on.
It’s not your fault.

[Tickleribber]

I put a lot of effort into staying well, as anytime I’m ill I’m faking it to get attention apparently – like an inconsiderate employer who only believed it if you got a doctors certificate – or if I clearly wasn’t as I had a fever and couldn’t do much at all except lie in bed, I’d be left there to rot.
And If, God forbid, I was a bit restless In bed due to aches and pains, I’d get yelled at for disturbing his sleep.
Once he did go to the corner shop to get me a bottle of Coca Cola, but he got the sugary kind which he knows I never touch instead of the diet one, on purpose I think.
There’s actually some talk he needs some surgery soon, hope he’s not expecting me to wait on him at home after that.

[Tickleribber]

Please do research hoovering, and as the other participant says, cycle of abuse. I have experienced this too, and the nice persona is confusing, but in my experience, which I think is fairly standard, boom, one day, you’ll see the nasty side again for sure.
Its just how they are, they don’t change.

[Tickleribber]

Samaritans are very good, don’t judge you and there’s no follow up, they just listen, please think about calling them

[Tickleribber]

You’re really so lucky to have friends and family who are supportive, that’s worth a lot, wish I had that!
I would t see him as a lost soul, for whatever reason these men can’t be nice for more than short periods of time, then as other ppl has written, you will be back to the same situation you were in before for sure.
so please do stay away and don’t talk to him, he’ll say whatever he needs to say to suck you back in (you can research “hoovering” which is what this is) and things never improve permanently, trust what everyone here is saying on that one.

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