Neueranfang

[Neueranfang]

Thanks a lot for your reply.
I’m really sorry to hear that you are away from your child.That’s very sad and unfair. My ex would never asked our children to live with him as he can’t even look after himself.He moved himself back in with his mum after I left him as he needs someone looking after him.So pathetic really.It might be pre puberty as well.But I also believe my ex is badmouthing me in front of the children.
I hope you are ok!

[Neueranfang]

Thanks for your kind words.Much needed and much appreciated.I’m crying as I’m writing this.The situation actually got a lot worse.But it was out of my hands.We would have made the flight but because of heavy rain and flooding our express train to the airport was severely delayed and the we rushed around like mad and my son jumped on to one of the trains connecting the terminals.The doors shut on me and my other son and my poor boy was on the train on his own.Luckily a really kind woman was waiting with him at the next stop and we got reunited but we missed our flight.Lots of other people missed the same flight, too.We were then put on a waiting list for a different flight (I had to pay hundreds of pounds on top) which is far from where we need to go and even if we get that flight, we’ll have to travel all through the night.And now it is extremely delayed on top of everything and we still don’t even know what’s happening with us.I’m exhausted and no end in sight.In these situations, I feel so alone.I have to make all the decisions and my kids obviously rely on me when I’m just so tired and could do with someone to lean on myself.Someone to tell me that everything will be ok in the end

[Neueranfang]

Wow this sounds so familiar.I have been out for just under (detail removed by moderator) now but I was with a man just like your partner for over (detail removed by moderator) and we have got children together. My Ex also used to complain if his clothes weren’t washed but he wasn’t able to put them in the washing basket and he would also leave sweet wrappers, cans or whatever it was he used absolutely everywhere for me to clean it up after him and when I refused to do it and (detail removed by moderator) on one occasion to see if he would get enough of it and (detail removed by moderator), he told me I was sick to do that.How pathetic.That’s all I can say.These man are pathetic and don’t deserve us.My Ex wasn’t only pathetic though.He was also violent and broke my nose twice and put his hands on me on numerous occasions.I loved him, too and it was soooo hard to leave and he is still harassing me now but it was the best thing I have ever done and could have done for my children.They actually remember quite a lot of the stuff he did to me when I though they were too young but they are fine.I had this fantasy of this perfect family in my head and I was clinging on to that not realising that it would have always just been a fantasy as my Ex is an abusive, narcissistic monster and not capable, neither deserving of a happy family life.Children need structure and love and a sense of belonging.It doesn’t matter if you are a single mum, 2 mums, 2 dads, one dad as long as that’s given children will develop emotionally and cognitively. My children’s home is wherever I am and they know they can rely on me.I thought my Ex broke my heart, but I am realising that he broke my spirit.However, I am now getting that spirit back.It is a long journey but it will be worth it in the end. You are not alone.Sending you lots of strength and love xxx

[Neueranfang]

Thanks for your reply.
It definitely does feel like my ex cursed me.(detail removed by Moderator) is the ‘anniversary’.He moved out (detail removed by Moderator).Anyway, it has been the toughest (detail removed by Moderator) of my life and it doesn’t seem to get any better.He is still abusing me whenever and however he possibly can.No contact is not an option as we have children together.
And now I have got Covid again.I had the Delta variant back in (detail removed by Moderator) and now I’ve got Omicron.It doesn’t seem fair.I had just got out of the hospital with my son and started to get back to ‘normal’ life and in the few days I had back at work, I caught Covid.I’m working as a (detail removed by Moderator) …:(
This should have been a peaceful week for me and my children.But now the half term holidays are ruined.No one is gonna help me with the kids and I feel rotten.It can’t get any worse.Also, I’m worried about my son as he just got over (detail removed by Moderator).I don’t want to give him Covid.His Immunsystem is still suppressed…

[Neueranfang]

Thanks for your reply.
I know this has to stop but I don’t know how.I’m working full-time, studying part-time and all my family are abroad.I’ve got two kids to to provide for and look after without any financial help.
I’m exhausted…even the thought of reporting him or making an application for an order freaks me out.I been there before and then things calmed down for a while but now it’s back to full on abuse.
However, I am keeping all the evidence and I know I shouldn’t let him get away with it.But if I report him, his family will stop contact again and my children love having them in their lives and their dad.It is just all too much…

[Neueranfang]

Thanks so much for taking the time and read my post twisted sister.
It has been all a bit too much recently and I am feeling the impact of it now.Not only mentally but also physically.My son is much better and I have to go back to work asap really but I don’t feel up to it.I feel drained and don’t know how to change it.
My ex caused a lot of pain since I left him.I didn’t have any contact with his mum or the rest of his family prior to my son’s illness.My children’s school is literally next door to my MIL but she never helped.Only now.I was so upset all them months as I was very close to his family.All my family are abroad and of course I wasn’t allowed friends.So the only people I would socialise with would be his family.But once I left him, he put a stop to it and his mum allowed it.They made me pay hundreds of pounds for childcare so I can go to work when they were all next door to our children’s school not doing nothing.My ex is always around his mum’s and lives 5 min away.It is almost impossible to have a relationship with her and his sisters but without him.It just feels like I can never be free from him.When he is kind , I enjoy having a break from being called names but he soon wants something back for being kind and when I tell him, I won’t get back to him, the abuse starts again.Nearly a (detail removed by Moderator)… this has been going on.It was almost easier when I was with him.I just can’t keep going like this….

[Neueranfang]

Thank you all so much for your kind words.I felt horrendous yesterday.Exhausted, lack of sleep…so depressed.We did have a good sleep last night in a warm house…thank God but I had to move the rest of our stuff out of our old home (removed by moderator) while the kids were at school.I don’t even have a car at the moment (removed by moderator).Anyway I rented a car (removed by moderator) and just went back and forwards loading it up.Our old home was (removed by moderator)and I really had to push myself.It was so hard without anyone helping.My back is killing me and I’m absolutely exhausted.It makes me really sad all this as I always had lots of friends until I met HIM and my family are all abroad.They couldn’t help me.I’m trapped here until I have full custody as I can’t just move the kids abroad.I should be happy in the new house but I’m not.The last two days have been so hard and so many things went wrong anf I haven’t got anyone to turn to.My cooker isn’t working as there is an issue with the wiring.So every time I turn it on, the fuse goes plus I noticed a little leak.And again it would take a week for someone from the council to come out.It is impossible.I’m back to work (removed by moderator)…full time.I also had to tell my ex that we moved as he wanted to speak to the kids.When I unblocked him he told me that (removed by moderator).He then accused me of being in bed with someone else etc.I told him that we had moved and then got more abuse.Obviously I didn’t tell him where to.But that was the ultimate loss of control.He’s been doing this all through the holidays ‘passing through’ every other day demanding that the kids (removed by moderator) but really he was just checking if I was there and controlling me.Even though he didn’t live with us anymore, it was still my prison.

[Neueranfang]

Thanks for your reply.Today has been a very stressful day.I couldn’t stop crying.The council told me that the earliest appointment to get my boiler up and running is next Wednesday and because my children are not under one, we are not a priority.I still can’t believe that they would leave me without hot water or heating in this cold weather for a week.We were so cold yesterday, we could hardly sleep.My kids started sneezing and I couldn’t leave the fan heaters on all night.Anyway after wasting a lot of time crying today, I picked myself up and contacted British gas.I decided to pay for it myself.My mum sent some money over.It was expensive but it’s warm now.I couldn’t have done another night.Thank you so much for your kind words!

[Neueranfang]

Thanks for your replies and sorry it took me so long to post.I am still unwell with Covid and I feel like it has taken all of my physical and mental strength away from me.Just like you I often ask myself what I have done wrong other than leaving my abuser?I don’t understand why his mum erased me from her life.It makes things worse as she knows exactly what I was going through with him and she promised me to support me in every way when leaving him.My Ex partner’s dad abused her for over (detail removed by Moderator) years and nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years ago she left him.Nevertheless she is enabling her son’s abusive behaviour.I haven’t had any support from her.Not even a text asking how I am.Shortly after leaving my Ex, I would pop around his mum’s for a coffee during my lunch break but every time I did, she felt anxious he would turn up and I didn’t feel welcome.So I stopped doing it.(detail removed by Moderator) I took our kids abroad for a few weeks to see my family and my Ex mother in law didn’t even bother texting or ringing us on my son’s birthday.Then when we got back she complained that I didn’t send her any pictures of our holiday.Unfortunately I couldn’t backfire at her she did it in front of other people at my (detail removed by Moderator) birthday.So I bit my tongue for the peace.I feel very much let down by her.Ironically she lives next to (detail removed by Moderator).However, she doesn’t help with childcare.She knows I am paying hundreds of pounds a month for both my children to attend breakfast club and after school club and she also knows that her son is not supporting me financially.She hasn’t paid maintenance at all so far.Nevertheless she chooses not to help.I think it is disgusting what they are doing.She also knows that my family are abroad.I don’t have anyone here….

[Neueranfang]

Thanks for your lovely replies.I will try and find the energy to get the ball rolling and sort out this huge debt he left 🥲I am working full time and studying part time as it is really important for me to get a degree.My Ex made me drop out of uni over (detail removed by Moderator) ago and he wasn’t happy for me to go back to my studies.So I’m doing it now but it is very full on.Dealing with the ongoing daily abuse, full time job, part time studies and being a single mum to two boys.Now one of my kids contracted covid and we are at home.I constantly have to take time off work due to being ill or something with the kids.We are not co parenting.He is just demanding to see the kids every now and then.That’s it.He’s got drug problems and it seems to be getting worse since I left nearly (detail removed by Moderator) ago.Maybe better if the boys don’t see him.My family are abroad.I can’t go and see them over Christmas because of Covid and there is generally nothing to look forward to.

[Neueranfang]

Thank you ladies 🙏🏻

[Neueranfang]

Hi,
Social services have been involved in my life these last few months.They have been involved before (years ago) when I called the police after my Ex assaulted me.Back then, they just rung me up to have a chat but closed the case quickly.Basically every time the police gets called, ss get notified as well as my children’s school.My Ex moved out (after a final attack) a few months ago.Social services were satisfied that I left him and they were about to close the case but because my Ex started stalking me and I reported it…they escalated our case.They have to protect the children as domestic abuse is child abuse.I don’t find my social worker that helpful as she seems to be ticking boxes rather than having a true understanding of domestic abuse but I don’t mind working with her to keep the kids safe and I told her the truth.When I first heard from social services, I was mortified and cried a lot because there is a certain stigma attached to social services.I felt like a bad parent and was scared to lose my kids.However, they just want to make sure the children are ok and not growing up witnessing domestic abuse x

[Neueranfang]

Thank you xx

[Neueranfang]

Thanks for your replies ladies.
So very helpful to read about your experiences and hear your thoughts.
Today has been even worse than yesterday as I hardly slept and then couldn’t hold back the tears when at work.I just bursted out in tears so many times today and cried all through my lunch break.I suppose being tired didn’t help.Every single time I tried to talk about it, I started crying again.
So painful but I don’t even know why.All along I wished for him to move on to the next ‘supply’but I just didn’t expect it to happen that quickly.
And you are right with everything you are saying.He wanted to hurt me again and he did.
He’s toxic and I have to focus on myself but that’s easier done than said xxx

[Neueranfang]

Thanks for your replies and suggestions.
I will look into it but I only needed a little help to tie me over until payday.I should be ok with my wages just had these very high, unexpected childcare costs to deal with in order to continue working full time.
Very stressful day but my Ex partner’s sister helped me out.I did feel horrible asking but she didn’t mind.xxx

[Neueranfang]

Hi,
Thanks a lot for your reply.
He hasn’t stopped sending me emails and even though I am not replying to him, I can see a cycle of abuse even in his emails.
He will have an attitude in the emails, then call me names and insult my family, followed by threats.Then he will say sorry and tell me how much he loves me again.
It’s so weird because I’m now watching this cycle repeating itself in his emails but luckily I’m not actively involved.
He is telling me he will change/has changed and then the name calling and threats start again.That just proves he will NEVER change.
I just hope things will get easier as time goes by.
Thanks so much for your support xxx

[Neueranfang]

I can relate to you Numbnumb.
My Ex did exactly the same (detail removed by Moderator).
I blocked him ages ago but he emailed me:
‘(detail removed by Moderator)’
I also decided to ignore it but I felt horrible afterwards.As if I’m the cruel one
xxx

[Neueranfang]

No these men don’t have any empathy.They only think about themselves and their needs.You are lucky you haven’t got any children with your partner.Recovering from giving birth was also impossible with my Ex.He dragged me out the house a day after giving birth and told me not to stay in all day as he’s got things to do.He made me miss my midwife appointments and thanks to him I had a really bad infection that had long lasting effects and scarred me forever.When I was coming down with the infection (developed a fever) we were at (detail removed by Moderator) with our newborn and I had to beg him to go home.(detail removed by Moderator) I had to drag myself to my gp (I could hardly walk)and he was busy, shouting at me when I called him to ask for help.My family are all abroad.
Even straight after giving birth in the hospital, I asked him to get me something to eat.I fancied a (detail removed by Moderator) which was odd but I remember I was starving.He went off but never returned.He thought it was a joke and went to the pub instead to wet the babies head.It’s beyond selfish, beyond having empathy.He’s ruined giving birth to our children for me (both times) unfortunately x

[Neueranfang]

My Ex NEVER looked after me when I was ill.He might have took the kids off me for a couple of hours (only if he wasn’t busy though) and that’s about it.I remember the last time when I was really unwell with fever and body aches.I couldn’t move…couldn’t leave the bed and I had to get the kids dressed on my bedside cause he couldn’t do it and if I would mention that he never supports me he would say things like ‘you have been in bed all day and haven’t done nothing’.Well yea cause I couldn’t move.He would also get annoyed because I couldn’t look after him when I was unwell xx

[Neueranfang]

Thanks for your replies ladies.I’m sorry to hear about your own, similar experiences.
You are absolutely right ISOpeace.
My Ex’s father was very abusive and my Ex mother in law stayed with him for over (detail removed by Moderator) years.Her son is unfortunately just as bad as his dad.All her (detail removed by Moderator) children grew up witnessing domestic abuse in their childhood.Only one (my Ex) turned out abusive himself but sadly they’ve all got other issues to deal with.Like unhealthy relationship with alcohol, drugs.One has got a gambling addiction.
They all won’t say a bad word about their dad but the sisters recognise that their mum will live with the impact of being emotionally and physically abused over (detail removed by Moderator) years for the rest of her life.
My Ex partner downplays domestic abuse as he thinks it is normal.That’s all he has ever seen/known.His mum feels guilty as she stayed with his dad for such a long time and she feels responsible for my Ex and says it isn’t his fault that he is abusive because he doesn’t know any difference.
Well I think that’s an excuse.His sisters and his brother are not abusive towards their partners.Plus I witnessed da as a child and I’m not abusive xxx

[Neueranfang]

Thanks for your kind words.That’s exactly what I was trying ti do…seeking their validation.But it backfired because now I’m the selfish one causing everyone too much stress.
I hope it won’t always hurt that much.It is really sad that I had to give up these people that I once was very close to x

[Neueranfang]

Yes they definitely prefer a quiet life (who doesn’t) and I’m just the bearer of bad news to them…really bad news.They rather don’t have nothing to do with me now instead of hearing what he’s done to me.
(detail removed by moderator)  But I didn’t get a reaction from her.She is completely detaching herself from the monster in him.His sisters don’t want to know either.In fact, they don’t like me anymore because I told their mum about the abuse and I’m also using her as a third party to arrange child contact.The sisters think I’m causing the mum too much stress and I’m selfish 😢

[Neueranfang]

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had enough.But at the same time, I’m not surprised.Have you thought about confiding in your work colleagues?
It took me a very long time to do so but once I did tell them about my horrendous private life, they were ever so supportive and understanding and it really helped being able to talk to my colleagues to validate that my relationship wasn’t healthy and far from normal.My Ex was the same.He would constantly text me while I was at work, knowing I shouldn’t be on my phone.He changed the settings on my iphone…so he could see if I read the text and if I didn’t reply he would call, FaceTime and send more abusive texts.So very stressful.I was so scared in the end that he would call my work place up and humiliate me that I decided to confide in my boss and my colleagues.My heart was beating so fast when at work.I’ve only been out of the relationship (detail removed by moderator) and it is very hard but I’m not looking back xx

[Neueranfang]

I’m sorry to hear you are struggling.It sounds pretty much like your Ex is still controlling your life.If you are scared to seek him regarding your son because of HIM and if you are scared to leave the house because of him.He is still in control even though you are not together.Have you had counselling?You need to free yourself once and for all from him.He is clearly the cause for your anxieties and your son’s unusual behaviour just adds to the stress.I know the kids are off school today but have you tried to speak to the teachers about your son’s behaviour.They might be able to help or pass you on to someone who can help without letting your Ex know.You have done what’s best for you and your children and your Ex is clearly just interested in causing you more stress and pain by trying to find a fault in your parenting skills.Don’t feel like you are being watched because you are not doing anything wrong xxxx

[Neueranfang]

Thanks for your replies xx
Unfortunately I haven’t got any orders in place yet as I was hoping to be able to arrange child contact through his mum but (detail removed by moderator) his mum and his sister told me they can’t be the ‘third party’ anymore as it is not working.I’m so upset.I was very close to his family and in their lives (detail removed by moderator) .Now I’m just forgotten about and no one wants to listen to me or help me as it is too stressful.I left him because he controlled every aspect of my life and because he emotionally and physically abused me for (detail removed by moderator) and they know that but still I’m the one who gets cut off.My family are all abroad and thanks to him I haven’t got any friends.The only people I was allowed to have contact with was his family but no one wants to know me now when HE is the abuser.It is so unfair.I was meant to look after his (detail removed by moderator) but he send me an email now telling me to stay away from his family and that he will put a stop to me looking after his (detail removed by moderator) .I’m saying his (detail removed by moderator) but I was there when she was born and watched her grow up and I took her out with us over the last few years.It is like I never existed.His family advised me not to have any contact at all…not even through them.For me that means they are not bothered having my kids/their grandchildren/nephews in their lives either xx

[Neueranfang]

Thanks for your kind words Darcy.I know I did the right thing by leaving.I actually met his mum and sister (detail removed by moderator) and they also reassured me that I did what’s best for me and our children.It’s still sad that he couldn’t be ‘the one’ but I have to let go.I don’t even know if I still love him.I haven’t had the chance to figure that out as he hasn’t left me alone and I just feel harassed.He is now threatening with suicide.It just doesn’t seem to ever stop.One thing after the other.I left because of the unbearable stress and pain but things don’t seem to get any better xxxx

[Neueranfang]

I can absolutely relate to what you are describing.My Ex is playing the victim and telling people I left him for my job.I mean to be honest, people who know me should know I’m not that shallow that I would chose a job over my family and my partner of (detail removed by moderator)  years.
One should note, he NEVER wanted me to work and made me lose many jobs.He thought I would give in to him again and give this job up as well.He verbally abused me every day before work and I was scared to wake up in the morning.Anyway, I told his family about a few things that had happened and they understood why I’m leaving but he is still trying to blame me because his family are sad about the break up and we have got two kids together.I still feel the urge to tell his family about everything that I had to suffer over the years as I’m being portrayed as the bad one when I tried to make our relationship work for (detail removed by moderator).I just don’t understand how he doesn’t understand why I left.It’s making me feel like I really did do him wrong and I’m crazy.I need people to validate my experiences and tell me I’ve done the right thing.I was suffering in silence for years not him.Xxx

[Neueranfang]

Hi,
I definitely believe it is abuse and you are not overreacting.I made excuses for my now Ex partner for over (detail removed by Moderator) and held on to what was normal to me but far from normal.Unfortunately things got very nasty in the end and social services got involved and basically told me I have to leave him for the well being of our children.It has been (detail removed by Moderator) now and the kids are fine.Things are a lot calmer at home.However the stress he is causing me is still unbearable.He isn’t accepting that I left him and he is trying to lure me back in by sending hundreds of emails.(I had to block him on everything)I was also holding on to the positive sides but unfortunately the negative got too overpowering.And to be honest I started disliking him.How can I be with a person that I don’t even like.My Ex did similar things to yours.He would make me eat take aways late at night and when I stopped that bad habit, he would comment and say things like ‘who do you want to lose weight for or we always used to enjoy food together’ (he is very slim) and he would pick on me for exercising but at the same time tell me I should walk more and that I’m lazy going in the car everywhere.Very confusing.It doesn’t sound like your husband is heavily involved with your kids.Why are you scared they would suffer under the divorce?Plus he might only say he won’t see them as another way of controlling and manipulating you xxx

[Neueranfang]

Hi,
I absolutely understand that you felt lonely and isolated after leaving your Ex but it does sound like you didn’t give yourself enough time to get over your last relationship or even to start the healing process.I’ve often come across posts on here saying ‘we should start loving ourselves again before being able to love someone else’.It sounds like you never really closed the chapter with your Ex.You really need to focus on yourself and try to build up your self esteem.I know it’s easier said than done xx

[Neueranfang]

Same…just peace.Not that much to ask for.First the years of abuse and then the denial of healing.That’s what I feel like at the moment.He is denying me to start the healing process.People say I’m strong and brave for leaving him but I don’t feel strong.I feel very weak and drained x

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