Suntree

[Suntree]

You have so much coming at you. I just want to send some hugs x

[Suntree]

Social media can be a place for keyboard warriors, trolls and victim blaming. It can be a great source of help and support too. It is just finding out which is which that is a tricky part, which I think people should be very careful about what they share an online and to whom.

[Suntree]

It takes getting sued to but you will.
I joined a outdoor club, gave me a reason to get up and get out.
I used it to start rebuilding very neglected friends and I found that I made new friends where I would even just go out for a walk with them.
That then gave me time to sort out the other things that had to sort out, go through my wardrobe and try on clothes that were long put away and wear them in another way.
For me it was a mixture of me alone time and friends.
I had to learn to do both.
I also used he time to go away. I was given a tent and started to camp again.
You will find something that suits you.
Just takes a little time, a little learning and a little courgage.

[Suntree]

I am on the collection from the CM it was a nightmare. Despite him being in arrears on the last system they still told me they had to give him a chance “several in fact” where I had to report I hadn’t received a payment.
They did the chasing for the missed payments for me.
I also made sure that he did not have my bank account details. There are other ways of setting collecting payments rather than bank accounts. The CM website explains it, even if the people the other end don’t know much about it.

Currently even though I use them to collect the money and they could do direct to his employers (they say they don’t know who his employer are, I provided them with the details…) I keep getting letters to tell me they can’t collect from him and not to rely on the money.

Its a joke.

[Suntree]

Tiffany

Well done for getting out. I think that we are predisposed to think it wasn’t that bad, it could have been worse.
I also believe we hope that when we are out things will be just fine and the hurt will go like a magic wand.

The reality is our brains and emotions and self belief have been so badly messed with and abused it takes time and work to heal and find out what is real and what is fantasy and abuse.

It’s okay to cry.
I looked at my emotions like a toy cupboard fulled with toys that where shut away and now they all come out together. It is overwhelming and an awful lot to go through. It takes time but it is worth it.

[Suntree]

I get you.

Its almost as though we have changed so much on the inside and we are glowing with colour’s we want others to see it and tell us they see it.

But they can’t for we became experts at hiding the other emotions and abuse.

Everyone needs the acknowledgement from the ones we hold close to say we did the right thing and who well we are doing. We need it even more because it took so much for us to leave and we have been devalued for a long time we doubt ourselves very much.

it’s normal to feel as you do.

[Suntree]

Glad you have a great GP and will be getting support.
Mine are back in counselling and we are slowly working through anger, grief, guilt, understanding and a whole lot more.
I am also trying to help them direct that anger and feelings to a safe place and acknowledge it.
With that it can be doing something physical like dragging them to their club or we were outside in the rain bouncing off the emotions which had got stuck.
Sometimes just talking isn’t enough and I think that is very true for children who bottle their feelings up.

I know that one of mine is finding this time very hard as it is focusing on the abuse and it is showing from the triggers and behavour at home, but as they say if they stop they will have no-one to talk to. For they like yours had started to self harm, so they didn’t hurt anyone else and to get rid of the feelings that were inside.
I’m hoping now they will have tools to be able to help them in the future, but my heart breaks that they shouldn’t have been put through any of this at their young age and by someone who was supposed to be their protection against the world.

[Suntree]

Snowwhitedrifted

Your gut is telling you something and a man who can treat a pet like that big red flag.

Give yourself permission to leave.

Do another holiday with you and the kids. Kids don’t need fancy, they need safety and love.

[Suntree]

Hi and welcome.
Whoever advised you to come here was wise and can see what you can’t see at the moment.

It took me years to understand that abuse was not just lots of physical violence.
It took me years to work out that the little things that constantly work away at you are also abuse.
I thought I had to change, I was told that I needed to, it was my fault.

Read what you have written and read it as though it was your daughter, best friend, a stranger telling you those things. What would you say to them??

The thing with metal abuse and control it takes turns things on its head, behavior that shouldn’t be exceptable becomes normal and where normal behavior feels wrong or weird.

They are also amazing at attaching us to them which allows them to keep on abusing and up the abuse, for we will look at changing ourselves to try to reduce the behavior towards us. It is called survival.

Who needs a chain or to beat someone when you can do it pyschologically?

As Ilovemusic said it is him and without sugar coating it, reading what you have written you are in a very abusive relationship.

No amount of you changing will stop that while you are there.

[Suntree]

iwillbeok I know that feeling. It is lovely to get to it isn’t it and it shows to ourselves that we have come a long, long way from the abuse.

[Suntree]

Hugs

I don’t really know, talk to school, keep a diary, talk to the NSPCC.
If it is affecting his school work then something needs to be looked into.
Talk to those who you trust might be able to offer ideas about how the system works.
So hard for children of abusive parents and the system allows the abuse to keep happening for the rights of the parent and not the child.

[Suntree]

From his reply he has now given you a few bits of written info for you to use.
Keep the replies.

First he has told you he is happy for you to do what you have to do.
You have already told him that you will be bringing in legal and sharing the costs.

Second he has told you that he wants the house sold. This is also important for legal.

Thirdly he has agreed he is not to contact you directly, again in order to get the house moved on you need legal.

All in all you now have a way forward in which he has agreed to and wants.

The cost of legal should come out of any house sale before it is split.

And by agreeing with you to take the lead, (not so many words) it will be your legal team and the Estate agents you deal with that should now be moving on selling the house.

You won’t and shouldn’t now have to have anything to do with him, they should deal with handling all the viewings, the legal side of it and communication with him and you. You should know what is happening at all times regarding the house. Including the presentation, the access to it, the lack of response, the stalling tactics etc.

You will need this should you have to go to court to get it sold.

[Suntree]

It seems to me that your eldest doesn’t know when “play fighting” stops and wen it becomes more than that.
It also seems to me that he is causing the shots over both you and your youngest.

I have put down a rule in our house even with my new partner that play fighting isn’t allowed at all. Because they, even the adult, do not know when it stops from play fighting to hurting the other one.

It was not an easy thing to do and a lot of discussion and interaction had to happen to reduce it to what it is.

I had to deal with “you’re over sensitive”, “it’s only a bit of fun”, “they have to learn some way”.

All typical and pout of date responses.

Funny how it was always play fighting until they got hurt….

I am still working on respect to each other. Especially on the big one to the kids, who seems to have a bit of a block on when it comes to “I want to play fight with them to bond…” attitude at times.

If someone asks the other to STOP, or tells them that they are hurting them , then the other should STOP. at the same time the one who said it should not then use that to get back at the other.

We still have rough and tumble. We box on the games consoles.

What has helped as well is using their interest spot on how to channel behavior.

AS for unblocking his number, block him for your peace of mind and believe me if people want to get hold of you for an emergency they will. They could do it before mobile phones or even landlines they can still do it.

[Suntree]

think about a child trying to get their own way, their own needs met. They first try one way, then they try another, then another, trying to work out which or what combination works and if the same tactics worked last time, which will get their goal achieved.
When it isn’t then the temper-tantrum that can come after or the sulks, but in their eyes it is your fault for not for-filling their needs.
But this is not a child who is learning about themselves, the world and boundaries.
This is a grown man who is abusive.
They don’t change, they just change the tactics to get their own needs met.

[Suntree]

They are not thinking about your child or you and are bullying you.
Is it no wonder you are feeling drained and exhausted.
Carry on like this and you will break and they will have the upper hand completely.

When you put your foot down they will make life that bit hard, think teenager tantrum and strops because you don’t give into them.

Have a mantra ready to use like a bad record.

Talk to your health visitor about what is normally considered best for children around your age.

They will tell you things like a regular routine, regular bedtime routine, times to feed, play time, wind down time etc.

Use that to help when you now set your boundaries down.

Write them down for you too look at and you to remind yourself of especially when things get tough.

Stay polite and firm and don’t engage in discussions.

Remember be prepared for the teenage type tantrums, though that is a bit unfair on teenagers but you get the gist

[Suntree]

I’d diary everything.
Every contact was done in writing.
Every agreement was held to.
Any advice I was unsure of I would get to know where I legally stood.
I made sure the school’s were aware of the contact arrangements.
I made sure that for school at least we had separate parents evenings and they gave each parent the same notes home.
School where aware of the molestation order to keep him away from me and why.
He was at this point the golden eye boy.

I made it a rule with me that we did not keep secrets. I did the what was a good secret and what was a bad secret with them.
I made a safe place for them to talk to me but left space if they didn’t want to.
I made it so they were talking about just another parent of a child in school, which allowed me to not get emotional.
I used their still vivid imagination to help them when they needed help.
Taught them about choices.

I made sure that our home was happy, with boundaries and normal as possible.

To keep me sane because I needed to be the best I could for them.
I took up a hobby, I got fit, I worked as much as I could when they weren’t with me so I could be with them as much as I could when they were with me.
I stayed at friends house a lot so I didn’t have to be in the house alone.
I went to counselling and did the freedom program.
I made sure I learnt to eat even when I wasn’t feeling hungry and put a bed time routine in so I would sleep.

I learnt to start finding out who I was again and that was quite hard.

I truly believed if I didn’t look after myself them.

[Suntree]

I wish I was like those people who can say it once and then walk away. and not care if the other person doesn’t believe me, makes up their own story not care.

However I am not. It is important to me to try to make sure what I have said is understood and heard.

But I am learning and I am also learning to be that bad record without emotion.

I have been out of the abusive relationship for a while, but I do see the same patterns in other relationships ie work.

I am slowly changing how I respond to fit the situation. However sometimes there is a trigger hit and that is when I struggle the most.

The last one was when someone instantly dismissed my review of a situation even though they never dealt with that bit.

[Suntree]

Sorry to hear your youngest is struggling. Can you get him any therapy to help, with a therapist that understand autism?
Mine are back in therapy and most of it is from the abuse they suffered at their fathers hand, most of it emotional abuse.
Asking your and their abuser back in their life when they are at their most vulnerable because they share DNA is not always the best way to go.

Finding people who care and love them who won’t abuse them and/or who are trained is the only way.

Hugs

[Suntree]

You keep a diary of everything. Ever conversation, every time he comes home starving, every time they are late.
Every time that they refuse to give you a time or, won’t have him, or change something, you keep a diary of every short notice change or demand.
In other words you start showing the narrative that is going on.
You keep your calm, when dealing with them.
You note how your child is.

You ask nursery to home diary your child’s day. That way you can also match up how they are doing the day, weekend after contact to how they are with you.

Because if this does go to court, they will say you are being obstructive, that the child has no issues while they are there with you.
That you haven’t had an issue with this because this is how things have been done for x amount of time.

Use the change of your child going to nursery as the reason as to why there is a need for structure now.
They won’t see it that way and you as being the award one. But stay strong, firm and polite.

If the child they want the child just before tea time and drop off late, then say sorry its a nursery day and they need to be in bed by… However if you would like to have them, then offer another time and date.

This way it is not about you it is about the child.

The same as if you have something planned, if they can’t give you a time and you have had to book a childminder or there is a party for you child to go to, that again is okay to say, sorry my child is not available then, would you like to see them and offer a few choices.

Make sure all those choices are given in writing or you record a diary of what you offered and how it was responded to.

Good luck

[Suntree]

Hi houndgirl

It took me a long time to realize I was in an abusive relationship. I was that lobster in a pot of slowly boiling water, but he would turn it down and up.
I had worked out how to survive and live with this man “for the sake of the children”. Not realising that he was also abusing them.

I was slowly isolated, sleep deprived and broken over and over again. He looked like the wonderful “father” and I was the unstable one. Even I bought into this as well.

The hold was so strong it was like those elephants who are only help by a bit of rope.

Don’t ever underestimate the mental control these people can put on you, that can be strongest than the strongest physical restraint known to anyone.

I also had the misconception that I wasn’t abused because the physical damage wasn’t enough, or I wasn’t told what to wear and I worked etc.
His control was greater than that.

My eyes were opened when I did the freedom program on line.

My eyes where also opened when I was told to go to Women’s Aid (I actually think the person was trying to call my bluff, but it was very good advice).

To cut a long story short, if things hadn’t turned out how they did, I don’t think I would have ever left on my own my circumstances became such I had to leave and then couldn’t go back. For I was told years ago by others to leave and I couldn’t.

[Suntree]

Empty promises to try and bring you back in.
The only way they change is to pretend to be nice so they can get away with worse abuse towards you.
I would now if you can change your phone number.

[Suntree]

I had to use them and the CSA.
What can I say, he had a large amount owed under the CSA and the new lot said I had to keep giving him a chance and to sort it out ourselves.
They did the calculations and did some of the chasing when I reported he hadn’t paid again. Each time I was told to give him another chance because he would pay something eventually.

I refused for them to give him my bank details and set up a paypal account he could pay into (there are some other similar things).

He already knows where we live so I couldn’t tell you about that.

It was only when the right person saw my file that they took over the getting the payments and paying to me. I have to pay the extra to them for this service.

However they still haven’t gone to his employers to get the payments directly and I get each month a letter from them saying they have had difficulty collecting the payment please do not rely on the money coming in, but will be back in touch when they do get it.

Currently he owes more than he has ever paid and I doubt if I will ever see it.

[Suntree]

Hate lies and always will. Some people don’t call it lying. They might say its on a need to know bases and you don’t need to know.
Others do misinformation so you will go in the direction they want you to rather than where the truth is.
Some are just deceitful.
Others say they are protecting you.
Some think if what you don’t know can’t harm you (or them)
Some give a nugget of truth then smoke screens and mirrors.
Otherprended they already told you, or didn’t say that.

Its all tangled webs. I hate lying too

[Suntree]

I understand where you are coming from. Mine never took anything with them they weren’t okay not having back.
Mine broke the contract so badly and the state they came home in he, until we go back to court he is not to see them.
I am completely within my rights to keep my children safe and out of harms way.

However I we are still struggling with the after effects of the abuse and because school are doing an NSPCC course without any counselling it has thrown triggers up all over the place and I am now going to have to get some more play therapy for them.

Can I suggest Child line for your children. Mine have used it.

I struggle with wanting to say some home truths to the “professionals” who send the children to be further abused, because they put the rights of the adult over the safety of the children.

[Suntree]

what would you advice your closest friend to do if you heard what you just wrote?
I’ve been in a similar position to you. It is abusive and the kids are also being subject to it.
Don’t hang on for dreams look at what you have right now, because the dreams you want don’t come and stay not with someone who thinks its okay to already treat you that way.

[Suntree]

I would talk to women’s aid and a solicitor to see how to get the divorce moving forward and what steps you can do to protect yourself and get him out of your house.

Keep talking to people that understand, keep a diary of everything.

Hugs

[Suntree]

Having been ambushed I can only guess that something similar which happened to you has happened to me.

Hang in there, keep talking to WA for advice. What helped me was other women who had been there already to help me prepare for the tricks used.

Keep a diary of everything and everything in writing. It if nothing will help keep you sane when you will be spun so much you won’t know what is true and what is made up.

Hugs

[Suntree]

Sending hugs

[Suntree]

I have some situations where he hurt the children and managed to turn it around as though it was my fault or they were okay and I was causing issues where there where none.
When we split up the abuse on the kids became worse and I was powerless because I had to do what the professionals thought was best.
I would beat myself up because I could protect them even less.
I knew if I had left when I first wanted to they wouldn’t have gone through the pain they did.
There is a long way to go, but we are all slowly healing from him. Though I am sure that he will be like a bad penny when he needs to hurt someone else again or look like a wonderful person to someone who doesn’t know who he is yet.
I am slowly forgiving myself and I am grateful I did get out when I did for not to would have been even worse.

The one thing I have worked hard on is staying in the house for we too would have to leave a lot and spend hours in the park or the car to keep away from the house and not to upset him.Now our house is a safe home.

[Suntree]

Confused123 Thank you.

I am scared for them if the authorities do get brought in for I have learnt to have no faith in any of them, for they do not protect the children at all.
And when they have caused devastation they leave without support and say we have nothing to offer you in your area.

Plus he seems to be someone who can and does get away with whatever he does every single time.
Making sure he uses others to cause as much harm to his victims as he can while he portrays himself as one.

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