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Get legal advice. You would think the answer would be no but my lawyer said it was just giving him more stupid reasons to take me back to court so I told him.

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As soon as my child reached the age of criminal responsibility I just kept getting told ring the police if he hits you but it’s not something I could do. It all got so bad that I felt that I was living with his dad again. He hated the family worker speaking to him and he hates the thought of social work being involved. I’ve crumbled to an absolute shell of myself and he hates seeing that as well. But he doesn’t know why he keeps doing it. It’s a lot of work and I’m exhausted all the time but if I see what he’s doing at the time it’s easier to unpick in front of him so he knows he’s gaslighting me or using different ways to manipulate me. That and the social worker helping me is all I’ve got. Sorry I’m no help x

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My son’s only young and he’s been abusing me. Violence, psychologically….by the looks of it I’m really lucky. Someone from his school saw him hit me and he made an adult at the school cry. The whole thing got escalated and they told me I was being abused by him. It really felt like full on abuse from a little boy and it was making me deranged. A little while ago it got too much to cope with and I went to a&e. I had no idea what to do and it’s shameful to admit I told them I wanted them to take the kids away from me because I didn’t want them any more. We had a family support worker already but then they called social services for me (not the children) to help build me back up. I’m an absolute mess but this social worker is here for me so I can be string enough for the kids. As for the boy Barbados are doing a programme for his self esteem and there’s something called leapfrog for children from abusive homes that he’s waiting to start. It’s scary admitting it…..I feel like it’s me that’s made it happen because I was so scared of it happening. If your children are older I don’t know what to say. The main thing I’m doing is building myself up and the social worker is getting people I know to help me too. Sending big love x

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Don’t leave him a letter the reason it’s wrecking your head is because deep down you know he doesn’t deserve an explanation and he doesn’t want to know why you left he’ll just use it to garner sympathy and support….don’t leave yourself open to it. Your son will understand after time. Dont forget he’s seen so much and his dad will be working on his head as well. Take care and good luck 💜

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Don’t do it….just enjoy having a crush and making cute eyes at him. I got with an abuser and had known him since childhood. I saw red flags immediately and kind of brushed them under the carpet……then he wanted things sexually (more than I wanted to give) and it took me longer to get rid of him than I was actually seeing him. Dont forget everything that comes with a relationship, even a healthy one. Do you want that right now or are you after some company and fun? If you’re bored get a puppy or a kitten….don’t put the pressure on yourself x

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IgnorIgnore any attempts he makes to try and link your mind between his trauma (if it even exists) and your own. They’re tricky and he’s doing everything he can to bring you back into his sphere…….try your best not to get sucked in x

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I’m getting therapy back. I feel so deflated, I’m tired all the time and the inprint from all the trauma I’ve had manifests in weird ways and like bolts out if the blue

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His life isn’t perfect and I’m telling you know if she thinks her’s is she’s going to be in for a shock!! It won’t be long before he’s telling you that you’re jealous of them just to torment you. Your feelings are normal but even if they’re happy now he’s an abuser and his mask will slip. Leave them to it, be glad it’s not you there and tell people you don’t want to know anything about him. You can do this 💙

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Like kip said just try for a few minutes at a time, nothing bad will happen in a few minutes. All those feelings you’re talking about i still feel like that after a lot of years. My youngest begged me to unblock him so I have but I know there’ll come a time when I need to block him again and I can feel the anxiety rising in me just thinking about it.
You won’t need nasty texts as proof of anything his behaviour and any outbursts about not being able to contact you and name calling will be in front of other people.
I used to have a phone where numbers were just blacklisted and I could read messages in my own time …not his. That gave me a few feelings of control but now I just see that I was using his nastiness as a rid to beat myself with.
Block him. It’s the best thing for you. Forget about his feelings he’ll feel whatever he wants if you do it or not. Stay safe lovely one 💜

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Do not feel bad!! You’ve done an amazing thing you need to stick to it. You’re so brave. Can’t you block his number to stop the texts? You know what he thinks you don’t need to keep seeing it. Well done x

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Say whatever you need to say. He will use this against you but he’ll find something different. He’s a criminal and a bad man and do not waste a second of your time on feeling guilty for saying words he made you say. Stwy as safe as you can and the police must be told they’re putting you in danger. Take care lovely one 💜💙

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Hi rainbowcloud I remember you. I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation. Especially with a new baby. These men do escalate the abuse when they get their foot in and now you’ve had his baby……you’re his!! Stay safe. If you’ve got the money saved make plans to leave. My kids are old and their dad still won’t leave us alone. Don’t waste half your life on one nice day here and there 💙

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Don’t try and get him to speak to you. Just ignore him back. If he knows it bothers you he’ll do it more. Concentrate on yourself and your children. He doesn’t deserve your time x

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I’m sorry that you’re going through this. People do have bad days but I’m sure your bad days don’t cause a physical stress response in him. Stay safe lovely one 💙

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I’m glad you got another job. It’s so hard juggling knowing what you can put up with without work adding pressure. You’d think the drs and hr would know better than the people we work for but they just want the moneymaking machine to keep moving.

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Well done for doing what you need to do and show him you don’t need anything from him for yourself,only your child 👏

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I feel really guilty reading your reply kip. I dont think it’s her fault and she’s tried to help me do much. I’m a grown up and should stop being such a baby. The dr wants a nurse to come round and see but. But when they tell me I need that support all kinds of crazy start coming out if me. I’m trying so hard to keep it all in

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It was happening to me as well but it’s stopped now

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I’m not surprised you feel like that. Have you got a dr you can speak to,? I really think that maybe professional help is the way forward. I’m sorry I’m not much help but speaking to someone in the real world might really help x 💙

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They don’t live in a happy-ever-after as we would want. Their happy-ever-after involves destruction and heartache…..our destruction and heartache!! I don’t know about you but I strive for s calm and loving life all he seems to want is your see me and our kids miserable and tormented. It depends on your perspective. As far as I wish I was concerned he’s getting nothing because I strive for everything he hates….love peace and a harmonious home. The only way you can feel ok is by forgetting him and his agenda……he is nothing! You are everything 💙

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Wow he is an absolute piece of work. He’s definitely abusing you. He doesn’t deserve all your time and effort and even though you’ve tried to help him with his kids he is taking advantage of you and your history. He knows that you have no frame of reference for what a good relationship is so he works on that to abuse you more. His kids ate his problem it’s his fault, not yours, he doesn’t see them and considering your history you should be so proud of yourself for recognising what he is. Cut ties with him. Let him leave. You and your kids are better off without him. He sounds like a complete (detail removed by Moderator).
Not going to the hospital with you when you’re going through the trauma of losing his baby….my ex made me walk the hospital once with a serious injury and I honestly thought , at the time he was right. He’s suckingbthe life out of you. Don’t let him. You deserve so much more lovely one x

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If you haven’t processed the event it can be anything that brings it back; a smell , a sound……the change of the seasons winter-spring does something to me and u dont know why. Emdr therapy is amazing to process complex trauma but you’d have to speak to someone. Where I live to can refer yourself to mental health therapies but I’m sure that’s not the same everywhere. Take care lovely one 💙 you’ve been through so much x

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He wants that to be your default setting so that it’s always your fault coz sure as hell he’ll blame you as well!! My ex always did it when we were together and still now we’re apart. Now my default setting is to instantly distrust him but because I get flustered I am sometimes wrong. But like fizzy said I show humility and admit it straight away. Even though it galls me so much to admit he’s right and I was mistaken anything else would make me like him.
Trust your gut. He’s a liar and you were expecting the news about your child’s back so why would you simultaneously ignore him saying whilst wanting to know the information. Go with what you know is true….the opposite of what he’d have you believe xx

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Thanks symphony and fizzy. These feelings are so overwhelming. I dont think I’ve ever known who I am. I’ve been told I’m a liar and a thief since I was little by someone who lied his way through stealing my childhood and any semblance of a real life I might ever have had. The things I look at are so disturbing but but somehow it gives me comfort. I need to speak to someone about it because with every peek into the dark I lose a bit of me. I’ll have a look at those things fizzy. Thank you both xxx

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My mum told me this because I get obsessed about him winning or me losing and sometimes no contact doesn’t stop him doing it through the children. I know he’s making a point with the little un because his eldest hasn’t seen him for years. Anyway….he might see at as a game but it isn’t. If you concentrate on what he thinks he’s always won. Just forget his games because if you dont he’s living inside your head. Instead do the best that you can because your time can be better spent thinking about you and your needs and the children’s. They’re the only ones that matter and they’re the only ones that lose out……..on your time when you’re dwelling on what he thinks!! She tells me all the time, and I’m glad she does because it’s true. I find it really hard not to obsess over what I know his motives ate and it’s hard and I’ve got to consciously stop myself doing it. He’s not worth the torment it causes me. I have to tell myself not to think about what my child is going through when he’s at his dad’s because it affects me so badly. (detail removed by Moderator) social worker thinks hes safe and the police thinks hes safe so I’ve got to trust in our establishment. I cant always do it and the abuse I’m putting up with because of it is unbearable at times but if I dont keep trying whatever game HE’S playing I definitely haven’t won.
Sorry if it’s long but feeling like hes eon knowing he thinks of our children as a game and laughing because I’ve lost something. It drives me demented

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You need to find the strength to get rid! If not for yourself for your children. Especially if they’re acting like him already. I have a young child who is abusing me physically and verbally and gaslights me. This child doesn’t even rem6me and his dad living together. I cannot believe what a detrimental effect this has had on him after seeing the conversion his dad exerts from afar. Please for the sake of your young, especially boys, get out. I’m so scared that if my son doesn’t stop abusing me then that’s who he’ll be. I’m hoping that I’m doing enough , earlier enough so he wont grow up to abuse his partner. I’m terrified of it. Even if you dont believe you deserve better your little ones really do x

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A few days after I’d had a baby I had to go and sign on. The woman made a huge deal of it because …..well because to her it was unheard of. The only answer I had was it’s my turn. I had to get people to mind the baby while I signed on because he was never in the house and refused to get an actual job. He used to work for drugs whilst i had to do everything. It is abuse but you’ve been conditioned to believe what he says. Talking to him wouldn’t make a difference because he doesn’t think that there’s a problem x

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My child’s still young and we’re getting help from a family worker. Still early stages but I’m doing the gateway programme 1 to 1 with her as well.

@same-again you’ve just got to keep those dark thoughts in the light. Have you spoken to a health professional about these feelings? I find talking openly to a dr I trust helps me through the black times. We all deserve the good times but be open and honest to a dr about your thoughts. It’s hard work and it’s scary but we can do it 💙

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That’s really lovely kip and I share your sentiments. I think people dont realise the damage to their children. One of my children is acting like an abuser because they’ve seen me give in to their dad’s outrageous demands. Even though I try to be a good parent and no means no they’ve seen that their dad gets what he wants and me saying it’s just easier to let him have it than all the aggro and now I’ve ruined my child. Thank you for this x

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I think that knowing he’s the problem may help with how much you’ll take from him and keeping notes means you can see how much it all adds up to. I dont know. I didn’t know it wasnt all me and it was him with the problem. I had no idea…..saying that I don’t think it would have made any difference my friends and family tried to tell me and I thought they were jealous. Just know that there’s a brighter future waiting out there for you when you’re ready. It’s so hard what you’re going through give yourself credit for your strength 💙

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